Soberlife - Tumblr Posts
If I think about it, I can really scare myself. If i think about it, I can notice my perception become untrustworthy. I can notice my breathing pattern become mechanical and in need to be fixed. I wonder if it’s just me feeling more “in my head.” Living in my thoughts, or “feeling like I’m watching a movie,” “a simulation.” Sure, I identify with who I see in the mirror. But opposite to that idea, I need to reassure myself that I am still me; when I’m driving, when I get into the flow at work, when I just haven’t seen my reflection for a few hours, the panic sets in. And the worst kind, a difficult to pin point kind of panic.
I feel like a child how I can’t find the right words to express the fear I get all of a sudden. Am I just an amateur at being sober? What perception did I have when I was a stoner? I don’t bother asking myself what being sober was like before weed because I know I don’t remember. And what I do remember is skewed by the oppression and injustice I did face during those times.
I can feel myself get better every day tho. I got really excited last night because, despite me losing track, I can confidently say that I’ve been sober for 2 whole weeks. How cliche to say “I never thought,” but I never even imagined. I am proud of myself, I feel hopeful, and I do feel happier. But more annoyingly I feel like I’ve got a shit ton more to work on. Which is a blessing, a privilege,and an opportunity that others don’t. I reckon I just take it slow,
Forgot to post but im a yr sober !!
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I’ve been doing okay. I’m content. Life isn’t chaotic and my days aren’t riddled with anxiety as much anymore. The meds are working!!! Yay.
I can taste, like really taste the texture & the flavor of my food. I find a joy in cooking nourishing meals. I’m grateful to have access to these.
I can smell, this is good and bad (lol). Right now, the air is bursting with a light floral scent, I think it’s rose? From my candle.
I can feel. I’ve felt irritation, I’ve felt contentment, I’ve felt anxious, I’ve felt like I’m moving too fast, I’ve felt shame, I’ve felt embarrassment, Ive felt angry, I’ve felt shock, I’ve felt doubt, I’ve felt nervousness - I’ve FELT EMOTIONS! And funnily enough, they aren’t as scary anymore. They are just signals.
I can see. Sometimes I’m still stuck in my head and so disconnected from what’s around me but I can bring myself back to present. I can ground. I can take in a beautiful sunset and let it warm me to the core.
Sleep is well….it’s still elusive. Tossing and turning and anxious dreams. Waking up startled. Oh what I would give for 8 hours and to feel rested.
I’ve been struggling to write. The words just ping pong around in my brain and I can’t hold on long enough to get them down.
It’s getting easier to think through my responses instead of reacting (yes hello I am enlightened!!!!). I feel grounded these days.
I am unapologetically me. Lately I’ve found a renewed sense of purpose - I’m thinking of the bigger picture of my life.
I’m building my dream life, one that feels good, and I believe, no I know, that it will come true for me.
This peace and self-certainty is everything to me. Maybe it’s selfish. Eh
I recently shared in a meeting that I can’t remember why I ever drank or used in the first place. Perhaps my pain and shame were so great - I didn’t know how to work through them. I didn’t know how to hold them and live. I thought they were a part of me I had to “fix” to be worth anything. I let them define me. For so long. I feel sorry for that little girl. She was confused and chasing all the wrong things - things that maybe looked “good” on the outside, but were full of emptiness on the inside. I wish I could tell her that it gets better, I promise.
I told my mom recently about a decision that I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I was sooo nervous to tell her, like I wrestled with it for days. Didn’t want her to think I was stupid or foolish or impulsive. (lol hi mommy issues)
And then I just had to do it. Did it without apology or justifying - just a confident “this is what I am doing, it’s my life, and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me as a result”. Holy fuck, it was so empowering. And my mom took it. Sure she had her little mom things to say and her sniffs and tone….but I let it roll off me. Fuck it!! Man it was so good. Like drugs ;)
I forgive myself. For all of it. I know I was doing the best I could, with what I knew. It doesn’t make me a bad person — it makes me a human being.
I wasn’t always the best me (and still not 100% of the time) but I didn’t give up. I held on to a sliver of hope and kept trying to be better.
I’m happy with myself today.
There is a greater She within me (the spirit) and I am trusting in Her plan for me.
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I just feel shitty these days. I know I can’t drink. But the temptation to turn it all off is there.
I have a small window of time today and man, I am so tempted to cave and get just one drink. I’m not very good at being “bored”.
I am hot, my thoughts are disjointed, I feel disoriented, I feel antsy.
I made myself drive to a cafe and am sitting and eating lunch hoping to ride out the craving.
But I’ve made it 11 days without the booze! Yay! And tumblr just wished me happy 1 year to my blog.
My blog that I started with the intention of quitting alcohol….lol let this show that addiction isn’t easy people!
But we keep trying.
I’ve decided to surrender. When I start to feel like things are getting crazy in my body and it’s time to numb out - I try to challenge myself with staying within. Being present.
Apparently you can’t blanket surrender and just let life have its way with you. You have to actively surrender every day - how annoying lol
FEEL IT ALL BABY! Relearn how to live. Some people never do.
Reasons why I won’t drink today even though I feel like it would be fine:
• it affects my mood - down mood for the next 3 days, do I really want that?
• anxiety feels like whiplash every 10 minutes
• I will feel like a failure starting over again
• temporary relief that creates a bigger long-term problem
• I cannot control it
• to prove all the haters wrong lol (read: friends that gave up on me, exes that thought I was a mess)
This is my best today and it’s ok! I’m sober :)
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Random thoughts lately:
I used to live my life assuming my mom’s started the day she had me. It was so hard to imagine her as a person, just like myself, with hopes and dreams and failures and a whole other life.
I glad I have the opportunity to know her now.
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It’s funny how we continue to discover new versions of ourselves. I’m having a hard time letting the old version of me go. I feel like I’m wearing shoes that don’t fit quite right…at least not yet. I’ll have to break them in.
I think it’s so easy to stay stuck in an idea of who we are or who we are meant to be. Who I was at 20 is not who I am today at 30 and I sure hope it will not be who I am at 40. I want life to change me.
I will wear the scars of my life on my body and in my heart to show that I am a warrior.
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I wish I could feel things less. I wish I didn’t think so much. I wish I didn’t constantly seek the deeper meaning.
When I feel numb, I feel empty.
When I feel sad, I am devastated.
When I feel happy, I am euphoric.
I’m not tired, I’m exhausted.
Maybe I need to go re-read that BPD criteria again.
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I do not fear my vulnerabilities. I’m not pretending - what you see is who you get. I’ve been told this makes me appear confident……which just makes me laugh.
The only person who gives power to your fears is you.
I am not giving mine any power today.
Drank some Cream Soda from a whiskey glass last night. I thought it looked cool enough to shoot, but I wanted to make sure that it was unquestionably soda and not beer. These days, you have to be careful with what you put on the internet.