Also Self Care SUCKS Most Of The Time. Like Its Not Fun At All. Its Doing The Stuff You Dont Want To,

Also self care SUCKS most of the time. Like it’s not fun at all. It’s doing the stuff you don’t want to, like cleaning your room, submitting that form, going to the gym that first time, having that conversation you avoided or making that call. It’s doing stuff that lets you unwind and stop worrying, and most of the time, that involves confronting and overcoming something you really would rather avoid.

41 -

Made myself go to a hot yoga class & it was HOT. I think I died and was reborn in that class lol. I used to do hot yoga consistently but have fallen out of it over the last 2 years (read: alcoholism, depression, drug addiction).

I’m all for finding what works for you and hot yoga is my thing. There’s something about dripping in sweat & heart pounding…but focused on the breath. The breath really is everything. I find a surreal peace in my mind. I can tune out my mind and the world and just stay focused on my breath. The here and now. It’s so much easier to focus on my breath when I’m on the brink of death (lol) in a class than it is in real life. Yoga has taught me so much about body awareness and how much of an impact our breathing has on our nervous systems.

I read this quote: the true measure of success is a calm nervous system. SO TRUE. As a self proclaimed ADHD poster child who “lives life on overdrive” (again, my therapist) — all I ever want is to feel calm.

Honestly, most of the time you could describe me as a wind up toy that just goes and goes and goes and goes, the song gets distorted and it starts to move all wonky, and then it crashes.

Anyway the class was what I needed. A sign. I needed to return to myself a little bit.

Started my day off with a super nutritious breakfast. I always feel like if my breakfast is solid then it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Like if I’m eating candy for breakfast, then I know my ass is going to be a lazy blob or a hot mess for the day lol

I also made myself get ready today, go on a long walk with my dog (she was the goodest girl) AND even sat down to look for jobs instead of putting it off like I have for months….go me!

Procrastination? We don’t know her!!!

My therapist suggested I write a response to a situation that has been weighing on my mental space for months. I did it & it felt very cathartic. Like the last piece of the puzzle so I can let. that. shit. go. Someone give my therapist a raise!! Jk don’t because I’m broke and can barely afford her.

(side bar: very very very thankful and privileged to not have to work during these early months of sobriety)

Going to bed with a serene feeling in my heart & my body. All I can ask for.

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Lately I’ve been feeling a sense of peace within myself. It’s really nice but I can’t help but wonder when it will go away and I’ll be back to the me as I’ve always known myself: melancholy, aloof, insecure, anxious…

But what if it stays?

Been trying this new thing where I trust my intuition (my greater She) in how I behave, the decisions I make, the things I say. I’m starting to trust in myself to choose the right thing over what’s easy or simply status quo.

I have faith that if one door closes, a window will open. Because it always does.

While I don’t have it all figured out yet, not even close, I’m trying to relish each present moment - the joy of figuring it out.

Happiness is a choice, it’s a mentality.

Not to downplay my own struggles or past regrets/mistakes - but I have a lot to be proud of. I’m not perfect by any means but that is okay too. Because I continue to try, be open minded, stay unassuming, learn and challenge myself. I don’t give up on myself.

Even if I think I am, I’m not. Because I’m still here and I’m still taking on the next day.

Does this mean I’m a good person? Or does this mean I am just human, with all the complexities.

A big thing I noticed is that black or white thinking. I’ve had a hard time forgiving myself for anything really….because it didn’t jive with me “being a good person” or “being worthy”. I couldn’t be one without the other.

But then I’d forgive others in a heartbeat. Second chances? More like 3, 4, to infinity. Because I believe in the power of people changing. I’ve been trying to view myself as how I’d view someone else. I’m much kinder to others than I am to me.

Like I have it all ass backwards haha.

Now I realize that I have to cheer myself on. No one else will do it for me. And if I don’t, I’ll never get anywhere because I’ll always be too scared.

So if anyone is reading this, do what you need to let it all go. The expectations of what “should be”or how you “should be”. Scream in the car, delete that person from your friend list, go on a road trip by yourself, write affirmations on sticky notes and post them everywhere, cry your heart out, listen to your favorite song on repeat, throw yourself into your favorite hobby or start a new one, write all your worries on a piece of paper and burn it, break some shit then break some more shit, journal all your feelings on a random tumblr blog (haha), do something that scares you, make conversation with a stranger….I don’t know - just do something! Anything.

If it doesn’t work, do it again. And again. And again. Until it does.

Don’t worry if you look stupid or silly or uncool doing it. Do it for you. Forgive yourself for it all. You were and still are doing the best you could.

And don’t laugh at me when I say that because I used to make fun of all the people on social media who would say “X and X” solved all my problems and now I’m just this happy little leprechaun finding rainbows and gold everywhere. It’s not that simple but it also is.

Way easier said than done am I right *rolls eyes*

Know that you don’t have to have all the answers and you sure as hell don’t need to be perfect.

You are the one who writes your story so you get to decide who the main character is. Who you are. Who do you want to be?

As I’ve been healing, slowly but surely, people have fallen off. It really sucks to lose people. But the right ones have stayed & our relationships are so much sweeter and truer.

As I’ve accepted what I can do and what I can’t do, it’s been so freeing to feel like I’m not disappointing the world.

One day it will work. And then life will feel like magic.

Because lately, the thought that crosses my mind is: this is what it was meant to feel like all along.

me, in a downward spiral:

*self sabotage and high-risk behaviors*