Depression And Anxiety - Tumblr Posts

Unspoken breath

Sadness creeps in uninvited with sweeping viteral, never shaking and always taking its unfar toll. A Quiet room with sun soaked walls, all is soft inside its gawls. Sunrise peeks at the edge of a dew heavy lawn, will it lead me to the dawn.

I've never been the most social.

I don't call, I don't text, and after awhile poeple leave you be in that respect. But maybe that's the reason for all my lonely nights. I don't reach out and I forget to shout.

I'm hear I swear it, I'm just to scared to share it.

So yesterday i went to a party and had a great time, i overate again and again... i ate like i saw food for the first time. I have never ate as much as i did yesterday. I am so ashamed of myself.. i kept telling myself to stop but i could not because i was anxious and anxiety means uneasy and we eat our feelings in this house...

I want to lose weight I am trying my best but this depression anxiety shit got me suffering and all i can do is eat and eat... i was too full i ran to the bathroom as soon as i got home and spilled everything... this is not me, I hate it... I absolutely hate it... why can i not stop eating? Why do i not have control of my feelings? Why does it suck to be me? Is there a way out of this?

Am i going to die of heart attack or something like that? I am too young to have these kind of diseases and all i want is for depression to leave me alone... so automatically today sucks cos i am in deep shame and regret..

When is it ever going to get better!!!!!

I cannot recognise the person that i have become. I used to be bubly and bright and so ambitious but then i oversold myself and over dreamed and thought the world was for me to take over. Then after one too many disappointments i became dull and boring and bitter... this is just too exhausting 😪

1 -

*trigger warning - suicide, depression, substance abuse*

Today, I got discharged from a psychiatric hold & I feel weird. I wasn’t in there long enough to make me forget about my “normal life”, but it was enough to make me feel different. Maybe it’s just the leftover Seroquel or the fact that I’ve barely been able to eat - have barely eaten in a week. Or maybe it’s the fact that I saw some real shit and I am not sure what to make of it all.

I’m sitting in my bed & my husband/dog are in the other room. This is my safe place, right? I should be happy. I thought that if I didn’t get out of the hospital today, THEN I’d ACTUALLY lose my mind lol. I even started feeling slightly paranoid this morning - that the doctors and nurses all had these secret “tests” they are running and I wasn’t going to pass them….so I wasn’t going to get out.

And yet, I almost want to be back there because the anxiety is sitting on the edge of my periphery, waiting for a moment to creep back in. The shame, the guilt, the depression, the anger, the fear, the doubt, the hopelessness - magic ingredients for my homemade recipe of suicidal ideation and paranoid delusional thoughts. ;) Oh and can’t forget substance abuse to cope. Years of it!

Also, the psychiatrist threw in a little offhand “Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder?”. Gosh, I sure can’t WAIT to unpack that!!!!!!

Anyway, that’s a little taste of how I got to this point. In the hospital it seemed so easy, the plan that my psychiatrist and I came up with to deal with all of the issues I’ve been ignoring for years. Now back home, I’m not so sure. Now back home, I just want to keep feeling numb.

I feel really antsy and uncomfortable. But also I’m happy I’m here today…

HAHA ok nah fuck that, I just said that because it is “what I’m supposed to feel”.

But, honestly? I feel terrified of my life looming in front of me. I see the person I want to be, the person I could be….vs the person I am right now. I just want to see the steps of how I get from point A to point Z so I can…..believe that I can get there? So I can see the proof that I will. So I stop feeling like I missed out on the secret sauce that everyone else seems have been given. The one where they can live a fulfilled life. The one where they believe in their purpose. The one where they HAVE a purpose. The one where they aren’t living a seesaw life of extremes.

I’ll make it a point to end these with one thing I am grateful for/one thing that brings me a glimpse of happiness:

This whole mess forced me to tell/show my mom the truth. And she wasn’t disappointed in me or disgusted by me nor did she think “oh great, here’s my narcissistic & traumatic ex-husband all over again”. She didn’t run. She told me she loved me and that she will be there for me for whatever I need. So did my husband. I’ll take it.

Sincerely, I.

4 -

10 days sober. All my feelings are coming back. And WOW I remember why I started to numb out in the first place.

I just want to curl into a little ball under a blanket and hide for the rest of my life.

Ask me in an hour and I’ll probably feel on top of the world bc that’s life I guess.

6 - Who cares? I feel blah. I feel disconnected from my life. Is this why I got sober? Life feels dull and boring.

It’s probably my ADHD or depression or possible borderline that is craving dopamine or something impulsive, but I’m trying. so. hard. to resist. Ok I lied, I’ve definitely done some secret shopping and I still feel empty.

I almost miss the chaos. For pretty much the entirety, I’ve lived this up and down life. It’s been a rollercoaster of anxiety, euphoria, depression….rinse and repeat. I know I should be grateful for the quiet, mundane but today, right now - I’m not. I’m fucking bored!!!!

I can’t see the point to anything. My therapist was talking to me about sitting with my feelings and I’m like “What the fuck does that even mean anyway?”.

Anyway, sitting with this “feeling” FEELS really annoying and like a waste of time. I should be out doing things, achieving goals!!! I’m also irritated that I don’t feel like doing anything, that I’m feeling low energy. I’m annoying myself lol. So that’s fun.

Where did my pink cloud go? I want that back. I guess I tend to think one day I’m going to magically wake up and everything will be rainbows and sparkles and even if I struggle, I’ll remember the fucking point to it all. Because I sure don’t today.

My baseline will get higher, supposedly.

I don’t know how to do this (life) sometimes and I hate that.

7 -

Still blah but somewhere deep in the trenches of “I don’t want to do anything and I feel like shit and I am shit all the time” was a little voice that said “you can do it, I believe in you even if you don’t believe in yourself”. The greater She.

So I met with my sponsor and then I got my little booty to the gym. I can almost deadlift my body weight (!!!!!! Hi it’s me, muscle woman !!!!!). Also I managed to get down two chicken tenders and watermelon. WE ARE MOVING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION PEOPLE EVEN IF IT DOESN’T FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. I feel almost positive and have more energy. Mood swings are wild lol.

I can do hard things! I will attract a happy fulfilled life with all that I dream of. Cheers :)

8 -

Got in one of my impulsive moods. You know. Where “I need to blow up my life this instant or my brain will explode and nothing will be ok!”. My therapist says that I’ve been in fight or flight my whole life, so my body instinctively doesn’t trust the calm. And yet that’s all I crave? I’m like a freaking human onion with all these layers.

So we took some deep breaths and put on some lip gloss. And drove straight to the tattoo shop and got a piercing haha.

But hey, at least I didn’t pick up or get drunk. The small triumphs :)

Anyway, now I can’t sleep because my ear throbs from this new piercing. (Side note, it’s a conch and it’s really cute!) So I woke up with a low mood, low energy today.

I could feel the catastrophic thoughts swirling through my mind like a stress tornado. Something like: I’m a horrible person, I chase my friends away, I’m selfish, I’ll have no one at the end, this is why people leave me, I am always getting it wrong, I’ll never find happiness, I’m a waste of space, I will only hurt those who stick around, why bother having kids because I’ll only ruin their lives, I’m weak and should be stronger, I am not as much of a good person as I think I am, I am not deserving…yada yada yada… this, beautifully compiled with imagery of humiliating & regrettable moments of my life. I think I paced aimlessly for about an hour or two. Life is fun.

The world is literally ending!!!!! (inside my head) I’m not crazy!!!!!!!

I decided to walk until I felt better. I checked my watch and it was 5.5 miles later….haha. But I DO feel better. Sometimes I swear I can feel my baseline rising.

One day at a time. Each day a little better and brighter.

Sincerely, I.

9 -

Friend: How’d your day go?

Me: Well…today I felt rage, depression, euphoria, sexual energy, excitement, wild and reckless, nervousness, paranoia, irritation, jazzed, fear, anxiety, and numb.

But rn I’m just chillin.

remember:

it’s not about where you need to be tomorrow, one year or even five years from now. your future is a blank canvas. it is always changing.

it’s not about where you were or who you were yesterday, a year ago or ten years ago. your past has passed. it can’t be changed.

it’s about who and where you are right now. because right now, this moment, you are exactly where you need to be.

tomorrow will become this moment. yesterday was once right now.

trust in yourself. one day at a time. each day, a little better and brighter.

a friend sent this to me. sharing it in case it helps anyone else ❤️

having a lot of no energy/low energy days lately. such is life.

i’m trying to listen to what my body and spirit are telling me, rather than shaming them for not feeling the way i “should” feel. or trying to tamp down the feelings.

it’s a hard practice. but helping me be more intentional with my choices & my time.

each day, a little better and brighter.

41 -

Made myself go to a hot yoga class & it was HOT. I think I died and was reborn in that class lol. I used to do hot yoga consistently but have fallen out of it over the last 2 years (read: alcoholism, depression, drug addiction).

I’m all for finding what works for you and hot yoga is my thing. There’s something about dripping in sweat & heart pounding…but focused on the breath. The breath really is everything. I find a surreal peace in my mind. I can tune out my mind and the world and just stay focused on my breath. The here and now. It’s so much easier to focus on my breath when I’m on the brink of death (lol) in a class than it is in real life. Yoga has taught me so much about body awareness and how much of an impact our breathing has on our nervous systems.

I read this quote: the true measure of success is a calm nervous system. SO TRUE. As a self proclaimed ADHD poster child who “lives life on overdrive” (again, my therapist) — all I ever want is to feel calm.

Honestly, most of the time you could describe me as a wind up toy that just goes and goes and goes and goes, the song gets distorted and it starts to move all wonky, and then it crashes.

Anyway the class was what I needed. A sign. I needed to return to myself a little bit.

Started my day off with a super nutritious breakfast. I always feel like if my breakfast is solid then it sets the tone for the rest of the day. Like if I’m eating candy for breakfast, then I know my ass is going to be a lazy blob or a hot mess for the day lol

I also made myself get ready today, go on a long walk with my dog (she was the goodest girl) AND even sat down to look for jobs instead of putting it off like I have for months….go me!

Procrastination? We don’t know her!!!

My therapist suggested I write a response to a situation that has been weighing on my mental space for months. I did it & it felt very cathartic. Like the last piece of the puzzle so I can let. that. shit. go. Someone give my therapist a raise!! Jk don’t because I’m broke and can barely afford her.

(side bar: very very very thankful and privileged to not have to work during these early months of sobriety)

Going to bed with a serene feeling in my heart & my body. All I can ask for.

67 -

Depression is so weird. It’s not that I don’t care - I’d love to want to care. I desperately want to care.

Anything is better than feeling a dullness inside of you. What’s the point? I’m going to die anyway.

I don’t feel sad or angry, I just feel empty. And it is all consuming.

I feel like I’m watching my life slip away. Witness to my own self destruction.

I can’t muster the energy or desire to do anything even though I know I should. I know it’ll make me feel better but I’m not fully convinced enough to actually take action.

My floor is covered in laundry that hasn’t been done in longer than I want to admit on the internet.

I haven’t showered in over a week. My eating and sleeping habits are a joke. I’m slipping.

The worst part about depression is that is snowballs and you don’t. see. it. happening.

Then it’s a few years later and you can barely take care of yourself. The fact that I have so far to go to get back to where I’ll feel okay is daunting; it makes me give up without trying sometimes.

But then I think, I get to set a new standard for where and how I’ll feel okay.

But what if I set the wrong one?

You see I am EXHAUSTED at trying to figure myself out. I just want to get to a point where I can manage the stress of life without relying on a substance. Where I can ignore intrusive thoughts. Where I have the capacity to consistently be a good friend, daughter, wife, worker….

I ran out of my meds a few days ago so I want to blame that for how I feel okay.

But I’m not drinking.

76 -

The anxiety built up. I kept sitting there in a daze, unable to concentrate & subconsciously holding in my breath (as if to block out pain).

Then I gasp and come to. Idk a weird fugue state.

I’m such a talker and yet when it comes to describing what I feel or why….I often find myself speechless. Riddle me that lol.

So I sat on the bathroom floor and cried. Had to force the tears at first but then it was like a dam breaking loose.

Then my husband held me and soothed me and he really is the best.

Ok see, I just have to remember that I am loved and seen and cherished - so it’s not the end of the world!

It felt so cathartic to cry. To really sob. And poof, it feels a little less scary now. You know, life.

One day at a time. Each day a little better and brighter.

81 -

Feels like I’m losing my mind every other day.

Questioning my sense of reality more often than I ever have. Am I crazy?

I’m exhausted.