Ninicolyz - Allen - Tumblr Blog
I love Cecilia's vintage wedding dress.
They should've buried her with it :(
I'm such a pig... Why can't I do anything right? Is it stupid to continue, despite the failures?
Someone told me I have lost weight. I'm glad. I'll keep going until I can smile at my reflection in the mirror.
Headache and weakness are good signs. It's working.
I need to hear "wow, you're so skinny" again. I need to hear "you lost some weight" again. I need them to look and be amazed by my small figure. I need it.
I know I shouldn't think this way, but I don't want men around me. No men. Maybe my dad, but he's not around anymore, and so his presence doesn't matter.
Except Him... Well, He came as a man and so He counts as a man.
I can't self harm. I can't drink. I can't medicate myself.
I know it's for my own good, but how am I supposed to stop this pain when I'm never clean enough to reach for Him?
I miss Him. I can't seem to let go of the disgusting life I put myself into. I don't even know the actual problem, I just know it's all my fault. It's always my fault. I never do anything right.
Except for reaching for Him. This I did right. But I have ruined it, as I always do.
I miss Him, I miss him, and I miss my baby. I always lose, and I'm always lost. I'm never found.
I know looking pretty won't change the fact that I'm a sinner, stained by what's evil in His eyes, but... It's something. I have nothing good about myself, so maybe the looks could get me to smile at my reflection and finally give myself some approvement.
I'm a walking failure. I don't even know why I try.
I'll try not to eat. I have been a whale for too long. Ate too much yesterday. Out of control, I have forgotten how delicious it is, when people compliment my losses of weight.
I don't know who I am.
I was supposed to be small, pretty and girly. But I'm just disgusting. I have grown. I'm not his little princess anymore.
I'm not me anymore. I'm not who I was supposed to be, And I'm not who I truly am.
I wish I wasn't so disgusting. And so ugly.
I wish I could be pale like a vampire, and skinny as a pretty little girl.
Too bad I'm so tired all the time.
There's something interesting about the absence of existence.
I came into this world and I'm not allowed to leave. Why is living so difficult? And why is death so ironic?
I wish I wasn't so hungry all the time. And I'm not talking about physical nourishment.
I need to stop and take control of myself, of my life, of things... I'm stained by sin again and I can't seem to stop and drive myself to the Lord.
I just hope He won't give up on me...
My physical is shaking, no kidding. Damn. I definitely will get addicted to coffe, I can tell.
Screw it. I'll drink more coffee. With less sugar, of course. I don't know, the fun of the coffee is the coffee breath afterwards. I simply love it.