I Can't Even Say "Damn You, Autocorrect."

I can't even say "Damn you, autocorrect."

Me: types "mpre" instead of "more"

Autocorrect: "Mpreg"

Me:.... no that sounds about right

Giovanni Is Just the Worst Boss (part one)

This is a darker fic. I was twelve when I wrote this and I honestly can't remember what spurred me to write this.

Content Warnings: Mentions of abuse; injuries (including burns); workplace violence mention (that will be shown later); James's cover stories for his injuries sounding way too similar to real-world cover stories; misunderstanding of medical issues and injuries; Meowth gets kind of weird about James's feet at the wrong time (wouldn't be a past!me fic without misplaced possible sexuality)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth’s point of view)

The day James came back to the cabin with a black eye, Jessie and I got worried.

“Where did you get that black eye?” I asked.

James looked at me and said, “I ran into a wall.”

Since this was a reasonable excuse, I didn’t say anything else about it. But the black eye looked painful and hard to see through.

And he didn’t actually run into a wall.

-O-o-O-

We sent James to the boss the next day. We had to choose a member of our team and send them to the boss for further orders every day for the next five days. James said his meeting with the boss went okay, so Jessie and I sent him because he wouldn’t start a fight.

To our surprise, one of James’s teeth was knocked out. We noticed it because it was one of his side front teeth.

Butch would have a field day if he was there.

“James, what happened? Why is one of your teeth knocked out?” I asked.

“It was a loose tooth,” James said. “I pulled it out.”

Two injuries in a row. And humans don’t usually get loose teeth in their late teens.

Something’s up, I thought.

-O-o-O-

James’s mouth had mostly healed by the next day. We sent him to the boss because the boss called him there.

When he came back, I didn’t see any injuries. But James was limping.

“Why are you limping?” I asked. “Did you sprain your ankle? You should stay off it. Let me—”

“No. Nothing happened. I’m fine,” James said. He tripped over his foot and fell.

I decided to seize the opportunity to examine James’s legs and feet. I took off his boots and socks. His feet were delicate and soft. They looked graceful and rather slender. Maybe James seemed so clumsy because his boots were slightly too big.

Anyway, there were no injuries on his feet.

I rolled up his pant leg. Nothing on his left leg. But on his right leg, there was a burn mark.

“James, why did you try to hide something like this? How did you even get this?” I said.

“I tripped over a Charmander’s tail and it burned me.” James sounded dead serious. He had a serious look on his face. I looked closer at his eyes. I could’ve sworn I saw tears.

Something told me that burn mark wasn’t from a Charmander.

-O-o-O-

The boss called for James again. James went to his office. I wished and hoped that James would not come back with an injury.

It didn’t work.

James came back with his arm in a cast. His eyes were completely glazed over and his hair was a little messed up. He was blushing slightly. Other than the flush on his face, he looked drained.

He saw Jessie staring at him and said, “Victreebel bit my arm and broke it.”

I thought this explained the cast and his skin being washed out. I thought James had been poisoned.

He wasn’t.

-O-o-O-

The fifth day we had to send James to the boss was the day we found out why James was injured.

James set off for the boss’s office looking pale and drained. He came home with a nosebleed.

“How did you get a nosebleed?” I asked.

“I fell out of a tree,” James said.

Both Jessie and I stared at James for a minute. Then Jessie said something that threw a wrench in all of James’s stories.

“If you fell out of a tree, then how did you climb up the tree with a broken arm?” Jessie asked.

James looked us both in the eyes. Then he ran into the bathroom, crying.

“I don’t think he was ready for that question,” I said.

“I don’t think those injuries are by accident,” Jessie said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Serious moral of the story: Workplace abuse is wrong. Actually, any kind of abuse is wrong.

Not-so-serious moral: Meowth, bro, not the right time for foot stuff!

The Book of Moltres James: The Annunciation to the Virgin Moltres James (part two)

In which our Man-Mother of Everlasting Blaze is born anew in the purifying flames of the fire chicken. We're getting real weird with this one.

Part one is here.

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; loose understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge; bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; odd ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James's point of view)

I wanted to die.

I knew I was Pokébestial and in love with Moltres. I wanted to be with him, but he was dead. Even if he were alive, I couldn’t do it with him because I valued my virginity.

I didn’t know Moltres was in love with me until one fateful day.

I was fine until Jessie, Meowth, and I got in the van. I had been driving for about five minutes before I felt like I was going to vomit. Jessie and Meowth noticed.

“Why are we driving so slow?” Jessie asked. I pulled over.

“Hey, you okay, Jimmy?” Meowth asked.

I grabbed an empty paper bag and threw up in it.

“Jessie, I think you better drive,” Meowth said.

Jessie and I switched places.

“Maybe it’s just carsickness,” Meowth said.

“No, I never got carsick. Why would I start now?” I said.

When we got home, I went to the bedroom to lie down. I overheard Jessie and Meowth talking.

“No way! That can’t be what’s happening to James!” I heard Jessie say.

I went to the hallway so I could hear more clearly.

“I know the signs,” Meowth was saying.

“What signs?” I thought.

“After what happened while we were on the Shuckle potion, it wouldn’t be surprising if James was pregnant.”

Oh my gods.

“You did that with him?” Jessie said.

“No, not like that. I mean, I didn’t do it with him. But maybe some magical Poké-force was attracted to him and did it.”

You are crazy, Meowth.

“That could be possible,” Jessie said.

Please stop talking about that! I silently screamed. I ran back to the bedroom. A few minutes later, Meowth came in.

“Want any water?” he said, holding up a glass of water.

I just stared at him, dazed.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He knows! He knows I overheard him and Jessie, he knows what I’m thinking. I just know it, I thought.

“James, there’s a special doctor you can go to,” Meowth said.

-O-o-O-

“A midwife?!”

“It’s just for a checkup,” Meowth said.

We were standing in front of a small building.

“They check for interspecies pregnancies in case anything really weird happened,” Meowth said.

We went inside. We were the only people in the lobby except for the receptionist. We already had an appointment. The doctor came out. He led Jessie, Meowth, and me into the exam room.

“According to what the receptionist told me, you’re here to get a pregnancy test,” he said.

I nodded.

“Okay.”

I had to lie down with my legs spread. The doctor used his machinery to look around my nether regions. When the test was done, the doctor looked over the results of the test. He looked completely surprised.

“Would you come in my office for a minute?” he said.

I went into the office with him.

“Have you had sexual intercourse with any Pokémon?”

“No, I’ve never even had sex. Why?”

“Because these test results are positive.”

I was shocked. “But that can’t be….”

“The test results are positive and you show all the signs. Also, my machinery detects that the child is of legendary Pokémon ancestry.” Then, he leaned in closer. “I think a greater force did this to you,” he added.

“What…?”

“This isn’t just a regular hospital. We study magic here, too.”

“Oh.”

When I walked out of there, I still had questions, but the doctor probably couldn’t answer them.

When we got home, Jessie and Meowth went to talk privately. I went into the bedroom, dazed.

Then, suddenly, a voice called me over to the window.

It was Moltres!

“Moltres!” I whispered, running over to the window.

“It’s me, James,” Moltres said. “I returned to tell you I did this to you.”

“You mean I’m…? O Mighty Moltres, it is an honor,” I said, bowing.

“I chose you because you were the purest Moltres Witness. Also, you are a virgin and still will be after you have the child.”

Then, just like that, Moltres disappeared. Just before Moltres disappeared, I saw a ghostlike figure of a person. The person had red-streaked yellow hair and was wearing golden robes.

Could they be Moltres’s human incarnation?

I told Jessie and Meowth the whole thing.

“Moltres did it?”

“The spirit of Moltres came back and told me.”

“Moltres? It would be okay if Meowth did it or even one of the twerps, but if Moltres did this to you, it might be some sort of evil spirit.”

“Jessie, don’t preach. Moltres isn’t evil.”

It wasn’t easy, but I finally convinced Jessie that Moltres wasn’t evil and he did it because I was a virgin and I was pure.

-O-o-O-

(Meowth’s point of view)

James was seven months pregnant with Moltres’s child.

He got emotional at times.

He seemed to be getting weird cravings for chicken blood.

We had found out James’s child wouldn’t be a Moltres, but a human.

James still worshipped Moltres every day.

One day, James got a fever. Jessie and I took care of him so his unborn child wouldn’t be harmed. We later found out that James was feverish because Moltres was a fire Pokémon. That’s also why the child was unharmed by the fever.

Once, I saw James streaking his face with blood and chanting to Moltres under the full moon. It was pretty weird, because I thought James wasn’t the gothic type.

Another time, I saw him crying in bed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Why did Moltres have to die? Who would be so cruel to run over the Mighty Moltres?” James sobbed.

At that moment, I wished I knew.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Apparently James's conception was an Immaculate one.

for what its worth, I got it was a joke, not to be taken seriously

it's the internet people, weird things get said

At least one person got that that post wasn't meant to be taken so seriously.

you might want to check out the antishippers vs proshippers debacle

I don't think I'd like to get caught up in that sort of imbroglio.

Fascinating to observe from the outside, though.

A Worse Pill to Swallow: A Bonkers Blueshipping Mpreg Pokéfic (part one of three)

I was twelve years old when I wrote this. Enjoy my oldfic if you dare.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy (I think mpreg is fine, just explain it maybe); bizarre anti-abortion overtones (the views expressed in this fic by twelve me do not represent the views of adult me); general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; weepy!James (even moreso than he is in canon); dickish!Jessie; generic boyfriend!Meowth; odd ideas about romance; kitten birthing scene; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*Meowth gets ready for bed. His beautiful, blue-haired virgin waits quietly for him. Obviously, that's James. He's wearing white pajamas: a white button-down shirt and white shorts. Very cute.

Meowth: (thinking) He looks so innocent, I almost hate to take his virginity away. (out loud) Are you ready? James: (turns around and smiles) Yes.

*James isn't afraid to reveal his body. He used to cringe at the thought of naked people, but he isn't afraid to expose himself to Meowth and let Meowth "explore" his body. If they're going to break the rules, they might as well enjoy it.

*A few weeks later, James wakes up nauseated. He goes into the bathroom and starts vomiting. Meowth wakes up because he notices James isn't in bed with him.

Meowth: James? Are you okay? James: (puking noises)

*Meowth goes in. James is wiping his mouth.

Meowth: What's wrong? James: I don't know. I guess I'm coming down with something. Meowth: (takes James's temperature) You don't have a fever. Hey, wait! I have an idea! Maybe it's hypothermia. James: Meowth, it's not even cold outside. Meowth: It was worth a try.

*They're both silent for a minute.

James: Remember when we….you know. Meowth: The night after the Shuckle incident? James: Yes. What if….something strange happened? Meowth: There's only one quick, private way to find out.

*Meowth takes out a pregnancy test for Pokémon (because James would have kittens).

Meowth: Here, pee on the grey oval. Then we need to wait a minute.

*James pees on the grey oval. Then he and Meowth nervously wait for sixty seconds, which feels like sixty years. When they look at the oval again, a blue plus sign has appeared. James and Meowth stare at it, then stare at each other. James has tears in his eyes.

James: Oh, Meowth, what are we going to do? Meowth: It's not the end of the world, Jimmy. James: Is there anything I can do? Meowth: There are pills that can end it in twenty-four hours.

*James rests his head on the toilet seat and starts to cry. He does not want to kill anything, especially a little kitten that hasn't even had a chance to live.

James: How long does it take for kittens to develop? Meowth: About sixty-three days. James: I have to put up with this for nine weeks?! Meowth: It's been a few weeks, maybe you're a few weeks pregnant? James: (sighs) I might as well get used to it. Meowth: You mean, you're actually going through with this? James: What else can I do?

*James and Meowth gaze into each other's eyes. They hug, then make out. James looks down, then looks away, giggling.

James: The kitten is already feisty. Meowth: I guess if it's moving, you're about four weeks along.

*James and Meowth make out again.

*A few days later, James is five weeks pregnant. He gets out a plate and warms up a hotdog. Then he covers it in chocolate sauce and starts eating it. Jessie stares at him.

Jessie: What's the deal with that food combination? Meowth: Well, we definitely know he's pregnant now.

*James then drinks two glasses of milk.

*Later in the bedroom, James and Meowth are getting ready for bed. James is folding his clothes on a chair, when he suddenly gasps and clutches his stomach.

James: Those kicks couldn't have come from just one kitten. Meowth: Kittens can come in groups of three to ten.

*James sits down heavily on the bed and winces as the kittens kick again.

James: Three to ten?! I thought I was only having one. (winces) I feel like a Snorlax. Meowth: It's definitely more than one. James: (eyebrow raise) Really? (looks down at stomach) Meowth: Cats can sense these things, you know.

*James has a puzzled look on his face as he looks down at his stomach. He's feeling the kittens settling down and….gently vibrating?

Meowth: What are they doing now? James: I think they're falling asleep. And purring.

*The next day, James wakes up at noon. Meowth is sitting next to him on the bed.

Meowth: You slept a long time. You must've been beat. James: Bearing a whole litter of kittens is hard work.

*Meowth makes sure his claws don't come out when he strokes James's soft, silky, blue hair. This immediately makes James smile. It also causes the kittens to move, making James sigh.

Meowth: Is it the kittens again? James: Of course. (blushes)

*James and Meowth start kissing and stroking each other. This is very soppy and like a romance novel, but Meowth did impregnate James, so….

*Later, Jessie, James, and Meowth are watching TV. James's mood swings begin to kick in when a romantic telephone commercial plays.

James: (wipes away tears) What a sad commercial. It makes me want to— Jessie: Cry? That's all you've done since you first started this ridiculous relationship! The commercial wasn't that sad. James: (irritated) Are you calling me a crybaby? Jessie: What if I am? That's what you are, anyway. Count one day out of the last five weeks when you didn't cry.

*James glares at her.

James: At least I'm not heartless! Meowth: Quit fighting, you two. It's not good for the kittens. James: (angrily, at Meowth) Haven't you done enough?!

*James flounces out of the room and slams the bathroom door.

Meowth: See what you did to him! You know he's going to be irritable. Jessie: I didn't know James could be irritable. He should wear a mood ring so I know. Meowth: Not funny. Jessie: It wasn't meant to be. Meowth: Do you mean the joke wasn't meant to be funny, or that James wasn't meant to have kittens? Jessie: Yes.

*James is listening to their conversation from the bathroom. He immediately goes to the toilet and throws up. He starts to regret having a Pokébestial relationship and starts to cry silently. A sharp pain makes him crumble into a ball on the floor, sobbing helplessly.

*After James cries for a while, he feels the pain go away. The kittens aren't kicking him anymore and have gone to sleep. James dozes off in front of the toilet.

*Jessie, James, and Meowth don't talk to each other until bedtime, when James apologizes.

James: Jessie? Meowth? Jessie and Meowth: Yes? James: I've been thinking. I may have said some things I didn't mean. I was just irritable from the hormones. I'm sorry. Jessie and Meowth: Apology accepted. James: (voice breaking) And Meowth, if I offended you when I….(sniff)…when I said you've done enough….(gets teary-eyed, then starts crying) I'm sorry! I didn't mean it. I love you. (hugs Meowth tightly to his bosom) Meowth: (smushed) Apology accepted, but not needed. James: Thanks, Meowth. (sniff) Meowth: (smushed) You're welcome, but please stop hugging me. James: Oh. Sorry. (puts Meowth down)

*A few weeks later, James is nine weeks pregnant. He's actually not showing that much, since Meowth kittens are a lot smaller than human babies.

*Every time James has to go to the bathroom, Meowth comes with him in case it's time for the kittens to be born. One night, James gets up to use the bathroom. Meowth goes with him.

Meowth: You'll only have to put up with this for a few more days. James: It feels like….(winces, holds stomach) It feels like a kitten could just pop out now.

*James starts to feel like he needs to poop. He suddenly feels a sharp pain in his stomach.

James: (yells) Meowth! Meowth: What?! What?! James: (strained) I think it's time now. Meowth: Breathe. Lie down.

*James's attempt to birth the kittens backfires. They go back to bed. James gets up several more times in the night.

James: (moans) This is the ninth time I've had to get up.

*Meowth is still in bed. James didn't bother to wake him up. Meowth wakes up to hear a small cry from James. He runs into the bathroom. James is sitting on a towel on the floor, legs spread and pantsless.

Meowth: James! Are you all right? James: (dazed) Yes. (reveals four Meowth kittens) Aren't they precious so far? Meowth: Yeah….Wait a minute, you said "so far." There are more kittens coming? James: Yes. I just feel one more left.

*Meowth goes over to James and coaches him to breathe and push. James is screaming. Luckily, Jessie is a heavy sleeper.

James: (straining and breathless) I can't do it, Meowth. I'm too weak from getting out the other four. Meowth: You can do it, James.

*James screams as the contractions get more intense. He pushes as hard as he can.

James: (nearly crying) Oh, the pain….(squeals, pushes) Meowth: One, two, three, push! James: (straining) Come on….come out….(continues pushing) Meowth: When you push, I'll catch. One, two, three, push! James: EEEEEEE! Kitten: (pops out of James's nethers) Meow! James: Oh my gods! (cries) Meowth: It's so cute! And loud!

*Meowth bites off all the kittens' umbilical cords. James smiles blissfully and opens his pajama top. The first kitten puts their mouth on James's nipple and drinks the milk that comes out. Meowth holds the second kitten up to James's other nipple. The others crawl around and nibble at the afterbirth while they're waiting their turn.

*Months later, the Meowth kittens have grown older and can mostly look after themselves. They've formed a pack and gone hunting. While they're out, James blasts Meowth's rocket off again. A few weeks later, this conversation happens.

James: I think I've acquired a fondness for hotdogs with chocolate sauce and milk. And maybe it's just regular that I cry during telephone commercials. Meowth: It's happening again. James: What are you talking about? (realization hits him) I'm….pregnant?! Again?! (looks down at stomach) Meowth: (sweat-dropping) Heh, heh. Maybe…. James: (trying to sound calm) How many kittens am I likely to have this time? Meowth: Judging by your eating habits and your four-hour nap on the couch yesterday, I'd say….Oh, about ten to twenty. James: Ten to….(faints)

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: James really should've used Plan B, but knowing Team Rocket's luck with plans, it probably would've failed.