I Can't Even Say "Damn You, Autocorrect."

I can't even say "Damn you, autocorrect."

Me: types "mpre" instead of "more"

Autocorrect: "Mpreg"

Me:.... no that sounds about right

my brain trolls me

me: I think this male character is intriguing and want to see how he and his companions would react in a variety of situations, so I'm going to write a fanfic and

my dumbass brain:

KNOCK HIM UP

KNOCK HIM UP

The Book of Moltres James: The Bird(man) Who Got Away (part three)

The story calms down for a bit, but goes back to its usual bonkers self in the next part. Teen-me just couldn't help herself and had to shoehorn in some blueshipping.

Part one

Part Two

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge; bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; odd ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Third person point of view)

“James, if you’re going to wear those awful maternity clothes, at least wear matching shoes instead of your boots,” Jessie said.

“No way! I don’t want anyone to see my ankles,” James said.

His ankles weren’t that badly swollen, but to James, they were huge.

James also thought he looked awful in his Team Rocket uniform because he was very heavily pregnant, so he got a black maternity shirt and sewed a red “R” onto it.

Team Rocket hadn’t chased the twerps for eight months. The twerps wondered why. So they knocked on the door of Team Rocket’s cabin. James answered it.

“What are you three doing here?” he asked, peeking out from behind the door so the twerps could only see his face.

“How come we can only see your face?” Brock asked. Then he added, “Are you decent?”

“No,” James said. “I won’t be for another month.”

“You’re naked?!”

“No!”

“Then why would you be indecent?” Misty said.

“Because I don’t want you to see me.”

“Why not?” Ash said.

“I just don’t!” James said. He tried to push the door closed, but Ash started trying to push it open.

“Why haven’t you chased us?” Ash asked.

“Because we don’t want to!”

James pushed the door shut and locked it. The twerps were surprised.

“Team Rocket doesn’t want to chase us?” Misty said.

“I feel so rejected!” Brock said.

“Something’s up,” Ash said.

The twerps ran around the cabin, looking to find a window to look in, but all the windows were covered with shades.

“Wait a minute. They haven’t chased us for eight months. James said he didn’t want us to see him for a month. That makes nine months,” Brock said.

“What does that mean? Is James in school?” Ash asked.

“School is ten months, Ash,” Misty said.

“And when Team Rocket drank the purple Shuckle potion, Meowth fell in love with James,” Brock continued.

“Brock, where you’re going with this story is just weird,” Misty said.

“Where is he going with it?” Ash said.

“Don’t you get it?” Brock said.

“No,” Ash said.

Brock and Misty face-faulted.

“He’s saying James and Meowth had sex and James is pregnant!” Misty yelled.

“Eww! I wish you hadn’t told me!” Ash yelled.

“But James is a human and Meowth is a Pokémon,” Misty said.

“There are times when that doesn’t matter,” Brock said. “However, we don’t know if this is one of those times.”

“We don’t even know whether or not James and Meowth had sex,” Ash said.

So the twerps forgot about it and minded their own business.

-O-o-O-

James was a little over nine months pregnant.

He had become quieter and emotional. He was eating more than he usually did.

Sometimes he would run to the temple of Moltres and stay there for hours, praying for a safe birth.

He still got feverish fits. Sometimes he would just get really feverish for a few hours.

One day, Meowth was sitting with James, who was lying down in bed.

“I know you’re hot and uncomfortable, but it’s part of the pregnancy,” he said, stroking James’s hair.

“Meowth….I’m two weeks overdue so far. Maybe it lasts more than nine months,” James said.

Meowth hated to see James so miserable. He knew Moltres had chosen James because he was pure and a virgin, but James was so young. He was only eighteen.

Meowth had had plans for James and himself. He wanted to capture Pikachu and other Pokémon and sell them to the boss, get rich, quit, run off, and marry James and raise kittens with James.

He also sort of thought that fantasy was too good to happen and figured he would end up being a thug while James was pregnant and barefoot in a Team Rocket trailer near the jailhouse.

The reality was a lot like Meowth’s worst-case-scenario fantasy. They were living in a shack little bigger than a trailer. Meowth was a criminal and James was pregnant, but not barefoot.

“He wouldn’t want to be barefoot. Then we’d see his ankles,” Meowth thought.

James raised himself off the bed slowly.

“Where are you going?” Meowth asked.

“The bathroom,” James answered, limping towards the bathroom for a nice long cry.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If you really love someone, you will learn to let them go and get impregnated by a mystical fire chicken spirit after reading a fortune-telling book.

Dude idk about you but I think saying you would rather commit an act of beastality instead of I don't know telling that guy to go fuck himself isn't really the own you think it is like ....that was a MASSIVE L

It was a dumb joke; I wouldn't really commit bestiality (I thought that would have been obvious, but apparently not)

anyway, he's the one posting a graphic telling me to kill myself

I think my edgy joke is the lesser of two evils here

A Worse Pill to Swallow: A Bonkers Blueshipping Mpreg Pokéfic (part one of three)

I was twelve years old when I wrote this. Enjoy my oldfic if you dare.

Warnings: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story); unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy (I think mpreg is fine, just explain it maybe); bizarre anti-abortion overtones (the views expressed in this fic by twelve me do not represent the views of adult me); general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; weepy!James (even moreso than he is in canon); dickish!Jessie; generic boyfriend!Meowth; odd ideas about romance; kitten birthing scene; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*Meowth gets ready for bed. His beautiful, blue-haired virgin waits quietly for him. Obviously, that's James. He's wearing white pajamas: a white button-down shirt and white shorts. Very cute.

Meowth: (thinking) He looks so innocent, I almost hate to take his virginity away. (out loud) Are you ready? James: (turns around and smiles) Yes.

*James isn't afraid to reveal his body. He used to cringe at the thought of naked people, but he isn't afraid to expose himself to Meowth and let Meowth "explore" his body. If they're going to break the rules, they might as well enjoy it.

*A few weeks later, James wakes up nauseated. He goes into the bathroom and starts vomiting. Meowth wakes up because he notices James isn't in bed with him.

Meowth: James? Are you okay? James: (puking noises)

*Meowth goes in. James is wiping his mouth.

Meowth: What's wrong? James: I don't know. I guess I'm coming down with something. Meowth: (takes James's temperature) You don't have a fever. Hey, wait! I have an idea! Maybe it's hypothermia. James: Meowth, it's not even cold outside. Meowth: It was worth a try.

*They're both silent for a minute.

James: Remember when we….you know. Meowth: The night after the Shuckle incident? James: Yes. What if….something strange happened? Meowth: There's only one quick, private way to find out.

*Meowth takes out a pregnancy test for Pokémon (because James would have kittens).

Meowth: Here, pee on the grey oval. Then we need to wait a minute.

*James pees on the grey oval. Then he and Meowth nervously wait for sixty seconds, which feels like sixty years. When they look at the oval again, a blue plus sign has appeared. James and Meowth stare at it, then stare at each other. James has tears in his eyes.

James: Oh, Meowth, what are we going to do? Meowth: It's not the end of the world, Jimmy. James: Is there anything I can do? Meowth: There are pills that can end it in twenty-four hours.

*James rests his head on the toilet seat and starts to cry. He does not want to kill anything, especially a little kitten that hasn't even had a chance to live.

James: How long does it take for kittens to develop? Meowth: About sixty-three days. James: I have to put up with this for nine weeks?! Meowth: It's been a few weeks, maybe you're a few weeks pregnant? James: (sighs) I might as well get used to it. Meowth: You mean, you're actually going through with this? James: What else can I do?

*James and Meowth gaze into each other's eyes. They hug, then make out. James looks down, then looks away, giggling.

James: The kitten is already feisty. Meowth: I guess if it's moving, you're about four weeks along.

*James and Meowth make out again.

*A few days later, James is five weeks pregnant. He gets out a plate and warms up a hotdog. Then he covers it in chocolate sauce and starts eating it. Jessie stares at him.

Jessie: What's the deal with that food combination? Meowth: Well, we definitely know he's pregnant now.

*James then drinks two glasses of milk.

*Later in the bedroom, James and Meowth are getting ready for bed. James is folding his clothes on a chair, when he suddenly gasps and clutches his stomach.

James: Those kicks couldn't have come from just one kitten. Meowth: Kittens can come in groups of three to ten.

*James sits down heavily on the bed and winces as the kittens kick again.

James: Three to ten?! I thought I was only having one. (winces) I feel like a Snorlax. Meowth: It's definitely more than one. James: (eyebrow raise) Really? (looks down at stomach) Meowth: Cats can sense these things, you know.

*James has a puzzled look on his face as he looks down at his stomach. He's feeling the kittens settling down and….gently vibrating?

Meowth: What are they doing now? James: I think they're falling asleep. And purring.

*The next day, James wakes up at noon. Meowth is sitting next to him on the bed.

Meowth: You slept a long time. You must've been beat. James: Bearing a whole litter of kittens is hard work.

*Meowth makes sure his claws don't come out when he strokes James's soft, silky, blue hair. This immediately makes James smile. It also causes the kittens to move, making James sigh.

Meowth: Is it the kittens again? James: Of course. (blushes)

*James and Meowth start kissing and stroking each other. This is very soppy and like a romance novel, but Meowth did impregnate James, so….

*Later, Jessie, James, and Meowth are watching TV. James's mood swings begin to kick in when a romantic telephone commercial plays.

James: (wipes away tears) What a sad commercial. It makes me want to— Jessie: Cry? That's all you've done since you first started this ridiculous relationship! The commercial wasn't that sad. James: (irritated) Are you calling me a crybaby? Jessie: What if I am? That's what you are, anyway. Count one day out of the last five weeks when you didn't cry.

*James glares at her.

James: At least I'm not heartless! Meowth: Quit fighting, you two. It's not good for the kittens. James: (angrily, at Meowth) Haven't you done enough?!

*James flounces out of the room and slams the bathroom door.

Meowth: See what you did to him! You know he's going to be irritable. Jessie: I didn't know James could be irritable. He should wear a mood ring so I know. Meowth: Not funny. Jessie: It wasn't meant to be. Meowth: Do you mean the joke wasn't meant to be funny, or that James wasn't meant to have kittens? Jessie: Yes.

*James is listening to their conversation from the bathroom. He immediately goes to the toilet and throws up. He starts to regret having a Pokébestial relationship and starts to cry silently. A sharp pain makes him crumble into a ball on the floor, sobbing helplessly.

*After James cries for a while, he feels the pain go away. The kittens aren't kicking him anymore and have gone to sleep. James dozes off in front of the toilet.

*Jessie, James, and Meowth don't talk to each other until bedtime, when James apologizes.

James: Jessie? Meowth? Jessie and Meowth: Yes? James: I've been thinking. I may have said some things I didn't mean. I was just irritable from the hormones. I'm sorry. Jessie and Meowth: Apology accepted. James: (voice breaking) And Meowth, if I offended you when I….(sniff)…when I said you've done enough….(gets teary-eyed, then starts crying) I'm sorry! I didn't mean it. I love you. (hugs Meowth tightly to his bosom) Meowth: (smushed) Apology accepted, but not needed. James: Thanks, Meowth. (sniff) Meowth: (smushed) You're welcome, but please stop hugging me. James: Oh. Sorry. (puts Meowth down)

*A few weeks later, James is nine weeks pregnant. He's actually not showing that much, since Meowth kittens are a lot smaller than human babies.

*Every time James has to go to the bathroom, Meowth comes with him in case it's time for the kittens to be born. One night, James gets up to use the bathroom. Meowth goes with him.

Meowth: You'll only have to put up with this for a few more days. James: It feels like….(winces, holds stomach) It feels like a kitten could just pop out now.

*James starts to feel like he needs to poop. He suddenly feels a sharp pain in his stomach.

James: (yells) Meowth! Meowth: What?! What?! James: (strained) I think it's time now. Meowth: Breathe. Lie down.

*James's attempt to birth the kittens backfires. They go back to bed. James gets up several more times in the night.

James: (moans) This is the ninth time I've had to get up.

*Meowth is still in bed. James didn't bother to wake him up. Meowth wakes up to hear a small cry from James. He runs into the bathroom. James is sitting on a towel on the floor, legs spread and pantsless.

Meowth: James! Are you all right? James: (dazed) Yes. (reveals four Meowth kittens) Aren't they precious so far? Meowth: Yeah….Wait a minute, you said "so far." There are more kittens coming? James: Yes. I just feel one more left.

*Meowth goes over to James and coaches him to breathe and push. James is screaming. Luckily, Jessie is a heavy sleeper.

James: (straining and breathless) I can't do it, Meowth. I'm too weak from getting out the other four. Meowth: You can do it, James.

*James screams as the contractions get more intense. He pushes as hard as he can.

James: (nearly crying) Oh, the pain….(squeals, pushes) Meowth: One, two, three, push! James: (straining) Come on….come out….(continues pushing) Meowth: When you push, I'll catch. One, two, three, push! James: EEEEEEE! Kitten: (pops out of James's nethers) Meow! James: Oh my gods! (cries) Meowth: It's so cute! And loud!

*Meowth bites off all the kittens' umbilical cords. James smiles blissfully and opens his pajama top. The first kitten puts their mouth on James's nipple and drinks the milk that comes out. Meowth holds the second kitten up to James's other nipple. The others crawl around and nibble at the afterbirth while they're waiting their turn.

*Months later, the Meowth kittens have grown older and can mostly look after themselves. They've formed a pack and gone hunting. While they're out, James blasts Meowth's rocket off again. A few weeks later, this conversation happens.

James: I think I've acquired a fondness for hotdogs with chocolate sauce and milk. And maybe it's just regular that I cry during telephone commercials. Meowth: It's happening again. James: What are you talking about? (realization hits him) I'm….pregnant?! Again?! (looks down at stomach) Meowth: (sweat-dropping) Heh, heh. Maybe…. James: (trying to sound calm) How many kittens am I likely to have this time? Meowth: Judging by your eating habits and your four-hour nap on the couch yesterday, I'd say….Oh, about ten to twenty. James: Ten to….(faints)

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: James really should've used Plan B, but knowing Team Rocket's luck with plans, it probably would've failed.

A Worse Pill to Swallow: Second Litter (part two of three of a old Blueshipping Pokémon fic)

The sequel sure is a thing.

Part one is here.

This fic contains:

-Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (warning because some people might be disturbed by it, even though Meowth can consent in this story)

-unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy (I think mpreg is fine, just explain it maybe)

-bizarre anti-abortion overtones (the views expressed in this fic by twelve me do not represent the views of adult me)

-general angst

-swear words

-shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy

-possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth and extreme out-of-character moments for Brock (I don't even know why I made him a super douche; I actually liked Brock)

-random "Jessiebelle does dark magic" plotline

-weepy!James (even moreso than he is in canon), dickish!Jessie, and generic boyfriend!Meowth

-no, seriously, Brock is just the worst in this fic

-odd ideas about romance

-ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*James wakes up on the couch.

James: What happened? Meowth: You fainted. James: You mean I fell asleep. Meowth: What are you talking about? James: It's not yesterday? Meowth: Did you hit your head when you fell, Jimmy? James: I dreamt you told me I was going to have more kittens. Meowth: That wasn't a dream. You fainted and I dragged you onto the couch. James: May I be excused? Meowth: Sure.

*James goes into the bathroom and starts vomiting. Meowth goes in with him. James finishes vomiting and just sits next to the toilet, crying.

James: (sobbing) I just can't stand it. Meowth: You can always take the pills…. James: (sharply) No! (folds arms)

*Meowth is a little surprised by James's tone of voice.

Meowth: Okay, I won't make you do it. James: You better not.

*James's voice is as cold as the snow falling outside Team Rocket's cabin. Meowth decides not to say anything else about the pills.

*A few weeks later, a snowstorm occurs. Team Twerp is wandering around the forest.

Misty: Hey, look, a cabin! Maybe we could ask to stay there.

*They go to the cabin and knock on the door. Jessie answers it.

Jessie: What are you twerps doing here? Misty: We're stranded and we need a place to stay. Jessie: Sorry, we can't. Ash: Why not? Jessie: Because….(gets a Pikachu-stealing idea) I changed my mind. You can stay.

*Ash and friends come inside. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, James is drinking milk. The kittens are asleep. He looks up and sees the twerps entering.

James: What are they doing here? Brock: You're looking a little fat, James. James: Shut up. Brock: Well, you are.

*James shoves Brock up against the wall.

James: You understand that I can sit my so-called "fat" self on your skinny little twerp butt, right? Jessie: Get off the twerp. You'll scare him.

*James backs away from Brock, letting him slide down the wall and onto the ground. Jessie takes James aside and whispers the plan to him.

Jessie: It may interfere with your kittens, but you can probably bear it.

*James looks shocked at the deviousness of Jessie's plan.

Brock: What is your problem? James: (folds arms) Why do I have to tell you? Brock: Just answer the damn question! James: (smirks) No. Brock: What is your freakin' problem?! James: You're my problem! You bug me! Brock: If you think you aren't fat, then why does it bother you? James: Because I'm pregnant, not fat!

*The room is silent. Then Team Twerp starts laughing.

Brock: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard! Who would even want to do it with you? James: Why, you little punk!

*James grabs Brock by his shirt and is about to double slap him.

Meowth: James, calm down! It's not good for your kittens if you're like this! James: (to Brock) How do you think you'd feel if you were going to birth a whole litter of kittens in a week and someone kept bugging you? Brock: Put me down! Put me down! Meowth: Put him down, James.

*James drops Brock. He then storms out of the room into the bathroom, where he slams the door.

Meowth: What did you do to him? Brock: I just asked him what his problem was. Meowth: Never ask James that question. Especially when he's having kittens.

*Meowth goes into the bathroom. James is sitting with his head on the toilet seat. His hair is messy.

Meowth: Are you sick again? James: No. But I think I'm going to be. Meowth: Is it the kittens again? James: Yes. They keep kicking. I tried eating only bland foods, but it's not working. It's been like this since the start. It's almost like the kittens are purposely trying to hurt me. Meowth: They wouldn't be. They don't know any better and why would they want to hurt you? You're giving them life. James: Maybe you're right.

*James shifts slightly, which earns him a kick from the kittens. He winces.

Meowth: James! Are you okay? James: I'll be fine. (feels another kick) Ow! It's just getting worse. (winces) Maybe they're….coming early. (clutches stomach)

*The kittens stop kicking James and go to sleep.

James: I think they're finally asleep. Meowth: Maybe you should go to sleep, too. James: Good idea.

*Later, James is awakened from sleep in the early morning by the kicking of the kittens. He drinks a glass of warm milk and goes back to bed. James's departure from the bed and return wakes Meowth.

Meowth: You okay? James: I feel like they're going to claw their way out of me. Meowth: It must be Jessiebelle. She did dark magic to them. What has she put inside you instead of normal kittens? James: (crying) They're hellcats! All ten or twenty of them! She's put demon kittens inside of me! They're all demon kittens! (sobs)

*James feels a lot of kicks from the kittens. He cries out in pain, cursing his pregnancy.

James: (strained) She's mad that I wouldn't make an heir with her, so she's punishing me, using my body to create demons. That bitch.

*Team Twerp has been listening from the other room.

Brock: So he's really got a jelly doughnut in the oven. I guess he really is well-bred.

*The door they're leaning on swings open. James and Meowth see that they're being spied on.

James: What are you doing spying on us? Brock: I should take some of your "demon kittens" and breed them. Then they'll grow into pretty good battlers. James: Stay away from my kittens when they're born.

*Team Twerp goes back to bed. James turns over.

Meowth: Are you all right? James: Where did I go wrong? I was happy at first, but I don't know what to feel now.

*The next morning at 7:00 AM, a falsetto scream is heard.

Brock: The James trap worked.

*James comes out of the bathroom. His face is flushed and there is a glue trap stuck in his hair.

James: There is a glue trap stuck in my hair. I suggest the person who did this come over here and remove it. (puts hands on hips) I'm not leaving until you do.

*Brock comes over to him and takes out a pair of scissors.

Brock: This will be easy.

*Brock holds the scissors to James's hair and is about to cut some of his hair. James grabs Brock's arm.

James: Drop the scissors.

*Brock drops the scissors.

Brock: How am I going to remove it without scissors?! James: (sugary sweet voice) Well, then, I guess you'll have to find another way, won't you? (folds arms, smiles sweetly) Misty: He does look pretty cute like that. Brock: Whose side are you on?!

*Brock is about to get a handful of James's hair and pull it out of the trap. James flips his hair out of Brock's reach.

James: (giggles innocently) Lay one hand on my hair and you'll no longer have a hand. Brock: So what am I supposed to do? James: I don't know. (giggles a little too sweetly) Brock: First he's a brute, now he's an innocent ditz. James: (steps into Brock's space) What did you say? Brock: I said….There's no dispute! Yeah, we totally need to get that glue trap out. James: (steps out of Brock's space) That's better. (smiles sweetly)

*Brock reads the back of the glue trap.

Brock: It says "comes off victim in warm water." Okay, come over to the sink, James. James: Like I said, I'm not moving until you remove the trap. Brock: God damn it. (under his breath) You can lead a whore to water but you can't make him put his head in the sink. (gets an idea) I know what to do.

*Brock gets a small pail and fills it with water.

Brock: Want a shower? 'Cause I should pour it all over your dirty ass. Cool down the kittens. James: (sugary voice) I wouldn't do that if I were you.

*Brock holds the bucket up to James's hair. James puts his hair in the bucket. The glue trap dissolves and falls off.

James: Now behave yourself. You wouldn't want me to get ugly, would you? Brock: (sotto voce) You're already ugly. James: (ominously) What was that? Brock: Um….nothing! James: (smiles sweetly) That's better.

*James walks back into the bathroom and closes the door.

Brock: How did he possibly hear that?

*Later, in the bedroom….

Meowth: Ash is so annoying. James: It's not Ash, it's Brock. He keeps messing with me. Meowth: All Ash talks about is being a Pokémon master. Give the subject a rest. James: If I hear the word "fat" come out of Brock's mouth one more time….(goes back to bed) Meowth: (surprised) You just got up and now you're getting back in bed? James: (sighs) I'm just tired. Cats sleep for thirteen hours and I guess I should sleep that long for the kittens. Meowth: Actually, kittens sleep for sixteen hours. James: The longer the better. (yawns) Meowth: Are you sure you're not sick? James: I'll be fine.

*In a few seconds, James is in a deep sleep, snoring. Meowth watches him for a while.

Meowth: (thinking) He's so cute when he's sleeping.

*James has a dream where Jessiebelle comes and tries to take his kittens. He wakes up screaming.

Meowth: What's wrong, Jimmy? James: (shakily) I dreamt Jessiebelle tried to kidnap me and make me give birth to the kittens in her dungeon.

*Brock bursts into the room.

Brock: Are the kittens ready to come out?! James: No, and even if they were, you wouldn't be getting any of them. Brock: Oh, come on. You don't mean that. James: I believe I do. Brock: I can heal your pain. James: How? Brock: Give me the kittens and I'll tell you how. James: No. First of all, you're not getting any. Second of all, they haven't been born. Brock: I can heal your pain and help you birth them at the same time. James: No. (backs toward bedroom)

*James runs out of the room. Brock chases him through every room in the cabin. Brock finally traps James behind the couch.

James: (looks up, sees Brock) AHHH! Brock: Won't you let me help you birth the kittens? James: First, you insult me, then you threaten me? No way. If you want kittens, get your own two Meowths, and let them screw each other.

*James gets up and starts pushing Brock backward.

James: I'm going to birth them, and I'm going to keep them. (shoves Brock against the wall) Got that? Brock: (scared) Yes.

*James backs away from the wall, letting Brock fall to the ground.

James: Good day.

*James walks into the bedroom, after shooting a kind of flirtatious smile at Team Twerp.

Misty: Cute smile. Brock: Whose side are you on? Ash: That's the second time today he did that.

*Later that day, they're having lunch. James cooks meatballs and puts chocolate on his portion.

Brock: Why are you pouring chocolate on your meatballs? James: Because I like it.

*James eats every meatball on his plate and every last drop of chocolate. he drinks four glasses of milk. Brock stares at him.

Brock: Are you feeling okay? James: What's it to you?

*James puts his plate in the sink. He begins washing a spoon.

Brock: This fell off of your Pokéball belt. (holds out Pokéball) I'll give it back if you give me a kitten. (waves Pokéball in James's face) James: (slowly, ominously) Give me Victreebel's Pokéball. NOW. (holds up spoon)

*Brock walks over to where James is sitting and gives him the Pokéball.

Brock: (mockingly) Here ya go, Sugar-tits.

*James grabs Brock by his shirt and pulls him close to him.

James: (narrows eyes, smiles sweetly) Don't call me Sugar-tits.

*Victreebel comes out and bites James on the ass.

James: Let go of my sweet ass! (puts Victreebel back in the Pokéball)

*James smiles sweetly at Brock before getting up and walking back into the bedroom.

*Later that day, there is a telephone commercial on the TV. James bursts into tears at it.

Brock: What is your problem? Why are you crying at a commercial? It's just a friggin' commercial! James: You're getting on my last nerve! I'll bear the kittens, but I won't bear your constant harassment! Brock: Why are you even having kittens? Humans don't do that. James: This one does. Brock: Well, you're a Pokébestial freak. James: That's it! I may be a lot of things, such as irritable, hormonal, and emotional, but I am not a freak! Brock: Take a chill pill. Or maybe an anti-pregnancy pill. James: Maybe I will!

*Everyone looks at James, who has just realized what he's said.

Brock: You monster. Do you realize what you just said? James: You're right. I'm a monster.

*James runs into the bedroom, crying.

Meowth: What did you do that for?! Couldn't you see he didn't realize what he said?! Brock: I broke him. (yelling) Hey, James! Do you still have your Moltres personality now, kitten-murderer? James: (from bedroom) Shut up! (screaming) Just shut up, okay? (kicks door closed)

*Loud cursing while crying can be heard from behind the door.

James: That bastard! He knows I plan to have the kittens! He just wants them to come out all fucked up! He just wants an excuse to ridicule me! I hate Brock! I hate Brock! (crying) I am such a fiend for hating! I can't believe I almost considered taking the pills!

*Outside the bedroom door, Meowth is listening in.

Meowth: I better go in and talk to him.

*Meowth goes in. James is kneeling next to the bed with his face buried in the covers.

Meowth: James, what's wrong? James: It just hurts. (sobs) Meowth: That's a good sign. It means they'll come out soon.

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Nobody is safe from the out-of-character plague.