I Can't Even Say "Damn You, Autocorrect."

I can't even say "Damn you, autocorrect."

Me: types "mpre" instead of "more"

Autocorrect: "Mpreg"

Me:.... no that sounds about right

The Book of Moltres James: He's Going to Need Burn Heal for His Soul (the fourth and final fraction)

He'll probably also need burn heal for another part of his body, but I'm not going to say which one.

Parts of this story are....very 2002.

Part one

Part two

Part three

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge (especially when it comes to "natural medicine"); bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; Butch and Cassidy are probably out-of-character, too; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; birthing scene; JAMES EATS THE PLACENTA (offscreen); ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, James found out something he really shouldn’t have to deal with in his condition.

He found out who had been driving the truck that hit Moltres.

He was at the convenience store with Jessie, buying diapers. There was no one in the store except for the girl working there and two old ladies.

Butch and Cassidy walked in. They saw James in the diaper section and couldn’t help tormenting him.

They didn’t know Jessie was nearby.

“So, James, how does it feel to not be a Moltres?” Cassidy said.

“Actually, you’re wrong. In the real fortune-telling book, I was still a Moltres. So how does it feel to know I don’t care about your insults?” James said.

“Well, you will care—after we tell you about the death of Moltres,” Butch said.

“What do you know or care about the death of Moltres?” James retorted.

“You know that truck that ran over Moltres? What was on the truck?” Cassidy said.

“A black ‘R’.”

“Haven’t you figured it out? We didn’t know until it happened. But we looked back and saw this giant yellow fiery chicken,” Butch said.

“You didn’t….” James said.

“Oh, yes, we did.”

“And you’re proud of it.” James’s tone was dark.

“Yeah, we sure are.” Cassidy laughed in James’s face.

Then Butch and Cassidy walked out, laughing evilly and somewhat hysterically. The two old ladies stared at them.

James was left in a state of shock. He paid for the diapers.

“Jessie, we have to leave the store, now,” James said. He saw Butch and Cassidy hanging around outside.

“Why? What’s the rush?” Jessie said.

“We just have to.”

Jessie thought Officer Jenny was there, or James was about to go into labor, so she followed James out.

“Where are you going?” said a froggy voice.

They turned around and saw Butch and Cassidy. Jessie realized why James wanted to leave.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Trying to run away. That’s not very Moltres-like,” Cassidy said.

“And what were you doing in the diaper aisle? Do you wear diapers?” Butch said.

“Wait, he doesn’t. But I bet he and Meowth got together and did it and the kitten needs it!” Cassidy said.

“I knew you looked like you gained weight,” Butch teased.

James turned red.

“Leave him alone. Does he really need you to deal with? He lost Moltres and he’s going to have a baby. Don’t you think you should just piss off?” Jessie turned to James. “Let’s go.”

“Coward!” Cassidy screamed.

Jessie turned around. “Who are you calling a coward?!”

James tugged on Jessie’s shirt sleeve. “Jess, we should go.”

They got in their unmarked van and drove away.

“They ran over Moltres,” James said flatly.

“They did?!”

James nodded solemnly.

They were silent.

“Why does Cassidy have to be such a bitch? Like, who does she think she is, insulting you like that—”

“Jessie….”

“What is her problem? She needs to just shut the fuck up.”

“Jessie….”

“Maybe I should give her a good beating next time she does that.”

“Jessie! I think it’s time!” James cried out.

Jessie sped up. “We’ll be home in a second,” she said.

They got to the cabin. Jessie got out the van. “Can you walk?” she asked James.

“I think so….” James got out of the van and doubled over.

“You can’t walk,” Jessie said.

She tried to help James, but he resisted. “I want to do it myself,” he said.

Jessie ignored him. She picked him up and went into the cabin. She put him down on the bed. Meowth walked in.

“What’s wrong with James?” he asked, sounding worried.

“He’s in labor. Call the doctor,” Jessie said.

She went back to James. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” James was almost in tears.

“Maybe the doctor could give you some painkillers when he gets here.”

“No, Jessie.”

Jessie looked at James. “You don’t want painkillers?”

“I’ve never needed any unnatural medicine in my life.”

“What?”

“Not all medicine is man-made, Jessie. Most of it is made out of plants. But I’ve only taken medicine that has no chemicals in it.”

“What about the times when there wasn’t any natural medicine?” Jessie said.

James’s eyes glazed over. “I managed without it.”

Jessie remembered all the times she called James weird for running out to get all those weird plants. She wouldn’t help him find the plants because she was working on their plans. Meowth, who thought dandelions were flowers, wouldn’t have been very helpful. So James had to go out alone and find the plants himself, while he was in pain. If he didn’t find the plant he needed, he would just come back and suffer. Meowth would try to comfort James, but Jessie made them both work, so they hardly had any time to rest.

If Jessie had known James was so uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have teased him.

“Natural medicine is better for him anyway.”

Both Jessie and James turned to the door to see who spoke. It was the same doctor who gave James the check-up.

The doctor went over to James, who was having another contraction. “Just breathe,” he said.

James was breathing, but it sounded more like sobbing.

“All right, you’re ready to push!” the doctor said.

Meanwhile, the twerps heard a scream.

“What was that?” Misty said, scared.

“I think it was a scream,” Brock said.

They ran, following the screaming.

Back at the cabin, James was experiencing childbirth.

“You’re almost there! I can see the head. Now, just push really, really hard this time!” the doctor said.

James screamed and pushed. That last push did it.

“Congratulations!” the doctor said. Everyone heard the baby cry.

James cried. “I wish Moltres was here to see his child.”

Unknown to James and the others, a yellow-clad figure with red-streaked yellow hair floated outside the window.

“Worry not, James,” the figure said mentally. “I did.”

James got the telepathic message and looked toward the window. The figure smiled at him. The next thing James knew, the figure turned into the spirit of Moltres and flew off. James’s eyes filled with tears of joy as he held his child.

The doctor went into the other room to talk to Jessie and Meowth. James sat in bed, feeding the child from his breast.

Team Twerp had watched the whole thing through the window.

“What the hell?!” Ash screamed.

“Shut up, Ash! He’ll hear you,” Misty said.

James looked up. “What are you twerps doing here?”

“James….What did you just do?” Misty asked.

Ash climbed through the window.

“Take another step and I’ll slap you with the umbilical cord.” James’s tone was dark and ominous.

“James, please don’t tell me you just gave birth to the child you’re holding,” Misty said.

“Fine. I won’t tell you.”

“I don’t think you should become a parent,” Ash said. “Maybe you should give the child up.”

“You’ll get this child when you pry her from my cold dead arms.”

“Who’s even the father?”

“Why would you care?”

The doctor came back in. “Who are these three?” he asked.

“No one important,” James said.

“Did he really give birth to that child?” Misty asked.

“Yes. I helped him,” the doctor said.

“Maybe you three should go now,” Meowth said.

The twerps left.

“You should get some rest. You’ve been through a lot today,” Jessie said to James.

James put the child in a basket.

“He’ll be a good Moltres Witness,” Meowth said.

“It’s a girl. Her name is Twilight,” James said.

The doctor took out a dried plant, a pestle, and a mortar. He ground the plant up and mixed it with water.

“Here, drink this. It’ll help get rid of the pain,” he said.

James drank the potion.

“Natural medicine never fails to do its job. It lasts longer than synthetic medicine,” the doctor said. “And I saved the placenta. You can eat it for strength later.”

“No wonder you was always so healthy,” Meowth said.

They were silent for a while. James finished drinking the medicine.

“I just realized something,” James said. He must’ve been feeling better. “I don’t think I can fit into my Moltres costume.”

Everyone but James face-faulted.

“Well, at least I can lose weight by catching Pokémon,” he continued.

“You can’t, at least, not yet. You should try not to do anything that physical for six weeks.”

“Six whole weeks?” James exclaimed.

“Six to eight weeks. And you should try to stay off your feet.”

James lay back down, sighing.

“Get some rest, James,” Meowth said, tucking James back into bed.

Then the doctor left and James went to sleep.

-O-o-O-

James sat, nursing the tiny blue-haired baby.

He loved his daughter, Twilight. “If only Moltres could see her….”

He suddenly got the urge to look at the window.

He looked and saw the spirit of Moltres, in human form.

“Hello, James,” Moltres said.

“Moltres! You’re here!” James cried.

He went over to the window.

Moltres noticed Twilight. “Is she our child?” he asked.

“Yes,” James said.

“She’s beautiful. Just like her man-mother,” Moltres said.

“Look, Twilight, this is your father,” James said, showing Twilight to Moltres, but not in a Michael Jackson-ish way.

“Now you don’t have to be sad about her not knowing her father,” Moltres said. He hugged James. “I must go now. Goodbye, James.”

“Goodbye, Moltres.”

-O-o-O-

Epilogue (editor's note: PRAISE THE MIGHTY MOLTRES THIS SHIT IS ENDING)

Jessie, James, Meowth, and Twilight live happily in their new house.

Jessie, James, and Meowth got a new job where they get paid $1,000 a week so they have money to buy a small house. They all quit Team Rocket to set a good example for Twilight.

The twerps are not at war with Team Rocket anymore. They live next door to Jessie, James, and Meowth and visit them regularly.

Butch and Cassidy will probably feel the flames of Moltres and not in a good way.

James still goes to the temple of Moltres. He takes Twilight there, so she knows how great her father was.

James is an official Moltres Witness convert. He hopes Twilight will follow in her parents’ footsteps.

And as for Moltres, well, he’s out there. Moltres may just be reincarnated. James was never sure of that.

But he’s bound to find out!

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Eat the placenta.

E A T ~ I T ~ F O R ~ S T R E N G T H

The Book of Moltres James: A Religiously Clueless Pokéfic (part one)

Other contenders for titles: Yes, Virgin James, There Is A Moltres God; The Blood of the Chicken

This is a fic I wrote when I was thirteen (possibly old enough to know better). Apparently, I watched "The Fortune Hunters" and thought it needed a fix fic. Unfortunately, this fic is just a little broken.

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it's the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it's okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; a loose understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; bizarre focus on James's virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out-of-character moments for the twerps; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

(James’s point of view)

I was a fallen soul.

“I’m not a Moltres,” I thought. “My life is trash.” That was what I used to think.

That was before I realized that I had looked up the wrong date. I had looked up the date March 20, 1984 instead of April 20, 1984.

“I’m not a Magikarp!” I thought. Oh, happy day!

Then another thought hit me: What if I was something worse? Like a Weedle? I was afraid to look at the fortune book for a week. Then I realized it’s only a fortune. It can’t hurt me. I looked up my fortune. I couldn’t believe it.

I was actually a Moltres.

-O-o-O-

I watched a group called the Moltres Witnesses. They were very serious Moltres worshippers.

Jessie called it a cult, but I didn’t care. I, too, had become a serious Moltres worshipper. I stopped eating chicken because Moltres is a fire chicken. I prostrated myself in the Temple of Moltres. Before I went in, I purged myself, forcing my body to rid itself of all impurities.

The only part of the chicken I would consume was its blood.

Later, I found out the Moltres Witnesses weren’t that extreme, they just bowed down and prayed to Moltres every day.

I didn’t really join the group at first. I only watched them, hiding, and secretly worshipped Moltres with them. I was too shy to ask them if I could join.

But one day, Moltres came. He was right next to me all along and I didn’t even know it.

I heard a voice on the wind say, “What are you doing over here in the bushes?”

I turned around. Moltres was there.

“I….” I was speechless.

“Yes?” Moltres patiently awaited my answer.

“I was honoring you,” I said, while bowing, “O Mighty Moltres.”

“I’ve seen you. You have given up eating the flesh of the chicken. You only drink the blood. You purge yourself before entering my temple,” Moltres said.

“You can talk?!”

“Yes, James, I can talk.”

I was shocked. He knew my name! Wow!

After that, I loved, respected, and honored Moltres even harder.

Then the accident happened.

-O-o-O-

Jessie and Meowth were watching the news on TV. An accident report came on. The accident wasn’t far from us.

“Wow. That’s nasty. That huge thing must’ve caused a really big fire,” Jessie said.

“Jessie, be quiet! Don’t let James hear!” Meowth said.

As soon as I heard the “don’t let James hear” part, I ran out into the living room.

The accident was Moltres.

Moltres had been hit by a truck.

I ran into the bathroom crying. I heard Meowth say, “I knew it would break his heart. I just wanted to protect him.”

After about five minutes, I snuck out of the bathroom to the crash site. Officer Jenny was there with Nurse Joy. The twerps were there, too.

I didn’t care who was watching. I bowed down to Moltres and talked softly to him.

“What’s he doing?” Ash said.

“Moltres must’ve been like a god. The legendary bird deserves a proper burial,” Officer Jenny said.

I attended Moltres’s funeral. The Moltres Witnesses were there, too. The twerps, Officer Jenny, and Nurse Joy were there, also.

I didn’t cry. I knew I had to be strong for Moltres. But I was thinking, “Why did you leave me like that, Moltres? Why did it have to be you?”

“It was just a chicken with fire on it,” Ash said.

I got mad. “No, he wasn’t! Moltres was a god to a group called Moltres Witnesses! How can you say he was ‘just a chicken’?”

Ash shut up for the rest of the funeral.

The Moltres Witnesses came up to me.

“Hey, you’re the one Moltres talked to!” one of them, a blond man, said.

I got a little scared. What if that was forbidden?

“What’s your birthdate? I wanna look up your Pokémon type.”

“April 20, 1984.”

The man flipped to April twentieth in the Pokémon fortune book.

“He’s a….a Moltres!” the man yelled.

“No wonder Moltres liked him. He’s kinda hot,” a red-haired guy said.

“Oh, give it up Ronald, he’s too young for you,” a green-haired woman said.

“What’s your name?”

“James. What’s yours?”

“Cujo.”

“I’m Rosemary,” the woman said.

“I’m Ronald,” the other guy said.

When the funeral was over, we said goodbye to each other. I walked home. I couldn’t believe Moltres had died.

“Who will I look up to now?” I thought.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: If a book says you're a thing, immediately join a cult for it and get hit on by Ronald McDonald at a funeral for a fire chicken. (DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS)

I actually like blueshipping.

But most of the past!fic I'll post on here will probably be blueshipping Pokémon fic because I wrote a lot of it as a kid.

I still write it, but I'd like to think I've improved.

Giovanni Is Just the Worst Boss (part two)

The conclusion. I put warnings for the really bad stuff in the tags as well as the preamble.

Part one is here.

Content Warnings: Abuse; workplace violence; misunderstanding of medical issues and injuries; Giovanni on crack; Giovanni says the r slur; workplace sexual abuse; death and rape threat and mention; Jesus Hades Christ twelve!me tortured James a lot in fic

-O-o-O-o-O-

That night, James cooked dinner without a word. Not that that was strange. Even if he wasn’t talking, he would usually be smiling.

But he wasn’t.

I could’ve sworn I saw him wipe away tears.

After dinner, Jessie and I got James and sat him down on the couch. We were going to have a nice, long talk about why he was injured five times in a row.

“Okay. Spill it. Why were you injured five times in a row? How did you get those injuries? Why did you—”

I cut Jessie off. “You can’t just start firing a million questions in his face. Give him a chance to answer,” I said.

“All right. James, how did you get those injuries?” Jessie asked.

“I was hurt,” James said quietly.

“By whom?”

“I….I can’t say.”

“I’m just going to keep asking until I get an answer.”

“Don’t you think maybe he’s afraid to say?” I asked.

“Please, Meowth. He’d only be afraid to say if the boss was hurting him,” Jessie said.

I saw James looked scared. “James? Was it the boss?” I asked. “Has he been abusing you?”

James nodded and started to cry quietly.

“Why were you hiding it?” I asked.

“The boss said that he’d know if I’d told anyone because either I wouldn’t show up or you guys would go to his office,” James said through his tears.

“We can’t send you back there,” Jessie said.

“But he’ll know I told you and he’ll kill us all,” James said.

“But we can’t let him abuse you like this,” I said. “Maybe you could go in and we could stand out of sight if you need backup.”

“That’s a good idea!” Jessie said. James managed a small smile.

Operation Peek-a-boo was underway.

-O-o-O-

One thing got in the way of our plan. James got sick the next day.

We panicked. James, who was in no condition to panic, passed out. I wiped cold water on his face until he woke up.

“What are we going to do?” Jessie said.

James just said, “Don’t worry. I wasn’t feeling well for the past two days and I think I’m getting over it.”

Then how come you can barely stand up, I thought.

James still had to go to the boss’s office. We couldn’t stay out of sight because one of us had to stay with James in case he fainted. Lucky for us, the boss was drunk.

Actually, it wasn’t that lucky because the boss could’ve had a fit.

I went in with James. The boss threw an empty beer bottle at James. It hit James and fell on the floor.

We were lucky it didn’t shatter.

The boss took out a crackpipe and started smoking it. James hid behind a door. I followed.

“Hey, what are you hiding for?” the boss yelled. “Get out here, you retarded boy.”

James walked out there. I couldn’t believe he was letting the boss mistreat him like that. The boss touched James in some places that he shouldn’t. The boss must’ve been on drugs. He poked James in his nethers. I jumped out, in front of James.

The boss touched the red flag area. I wasn’t about to let him get away with it.

-O-o-O-

“What are you doing!” the boss yelled. He was coughing smoke from the crackpipe in James’s face.

I scratched the boss across his face. I helped James by jumping up and breaking the crackpipe. We both ran out of there.

Jessie saw us and started running, too. We all ran back to the cabin.

James collapsed on the bed as soon as we got in. His face as completely drained, except for a red flush. His breathing was unsteady. I knew his condition had gotten worse than it was in the morning.

I helped James into bed and gave him medicine. He was able to think more clearly and was stronger by the end of the day.

James’s sickness aside, Operation Peek-a-boo was a success.

-O-o-O-

We ended up running away after that. The boss was so drunk or on crack, he probably didn’t care.

I hope he dies from a hangover.

James didn’t get abused by the boss anymore. The boss said he was too ugly to rape.

The boss has bad vision if he thinks James is ugly. Or maybe that’s just how drunk or on crack he is.

Anyway, to make a long (about three more chapters) story short, we started camping out again. We have the unmarked van.

Everything worked out.

As if we planned it.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Giovanni's power is stored in his crackpipe. Break it and you break his hypnotic hold on your teammate/possible love interest (whose feet you get weird about at the wrong time).

silly headcanon time

The Lord of Light, R'hllor, sometimes manifests as a Moltres. If James had really stuck with the Moltres thing, he could've become the Johto Melisandre.