Giovanni Is Just The Worst Boss (part One)

Giovanni Is Just the Worst Boss (part one)

This is a darker fic. I was twelve when I wrote this and I honestly can't remember what spurred me to write this.

Content Warnings: Mentions of abuse; injuries (including burns); workplace violence mention (that will be shown later); James's cover stories for his injuries sounding way too similar to real-world cover stories; misunderstanding of medical issues and injuries; Meowth gets kind of weird about James's feet at the wrong time (wouldn't be a past!me fic without misplaced possible sexuality)

-O-o-O-o-O-

(Meowth’s point of view)

The day James came back to the cabin with a black eye, Jessie and I got worried.

“Where did you get that black eye?” I asked.

James looked at me and said, “I ran into a wall.”

Since this was a reasonable excuse, I didn’t say anything else about it. But the black eye looked painful and hard to see through.

And he didn’t actually run into a wall.

-O-o-O-

We sent James to the boss the next day. We had to choose a member of our team and send them to the boss for further orders every day for the next five days. James said his meeting with the boss went okay, so Jessie and I sent him because he wouldn’t start a fight.

To our surprise, one of James’s teeth was knocked out. We noticed it because it was one of his side front teeth.

Butch would have a field day if he was there.

“James, what happened? Why is one of your teeth knocked out?” I asked.

“It was a loose tooth,” James said. “I pulled it out.”

Two injuries in a row. And humans don’t usually get loose teeth in their late teens.

Something’s up, I thought.

-O-o-O-

James’s mouth had mostly healed by the next day. We sent him to the boss because the boss called him there.

When he came back, I didn’t see any injuries. But James was limping.

“Why are you limping?” I asked. “Did you sprain your ankle? You should stay off it. Let me—”

“No. Nothing happened. I’m fine,” James said. He tripped over his foot and fell.

I decided to seize the opportunity to examine James’s legs and feet. I took off his boots and socks. His feet were delicate and soft. They looked graceful and rather slender. Maybe James seemed so clumsy because his boots were slightly too big.

Anyway, there were no injuries on his feet.

I rolled up his pant leg. Nothing on his left leg. But on his right leg, there was a burn mark.

“James, why did you try to hide something like this? How did you even get this?” I said.

“I tripped over a Charmander’s tail and it burned me.” James sounded dead serious. He had a serious look on his face. I looked closer at his eyes. I could’ve sworn I saw tears.

Something told me that burn mark wasn’t from a Charmander.

-O-o-O-

The boss called for James again. James went to his office. I wished and hoped that James would not come back with an injury.

It didn’t work.

James came back with his arm in a cast. His eyes were completely glazed over and his hair was a little messed up. He was blushing slightly. Other than the flush on his face, he looked drained.

He saw Jessie staring at him and said, “Victreebel bit my arm and broke it.”

I thought this explained the cast and his skin being washed out. I thought James had been poisoned.

He wasn’t.

-O-o-O-

The fifth day we had to send James to the boss was the day we found out why James was injured.

James set off for the boss’s office looking pale and drained. He came home with a nosebleed.

“How did you get a nosebleed?” I asked.

“I fell out of a tree,” James said.

Both Jessie and I stared at James for a minute. Then Jessie said something that threw a wrench in all of James’s stories.

“If you fell out of a tree, then how did you climb up the tree with a broken arm?” Jessie asked.

James looked us both in the eyes. Then he ran into the bathroom, crying.

“I don’t think he was ready for that question,” I said.

“I don’t think those injuries are by accident,” Jessie said.

-O-o-O-o-O-

Serious moral of the story: Workplace abuse is wrong. Actually, any kind of abuse is wrong.

Not-so-serious moral: Meowth, bro, not the right time for foot stuff!

for what its worth, I got it was a joke, not to be taken seriously

it's the internet people, weird things get said

At least one person got that that post wasn't meant to be taken so seriously.

don't threaten me with a good time

(flashy gif below i don't know if it's enough to cause seizures but behind cut just to be safe)

okay hear me out

What if there's blueshipping, but James and Meowth are the tougher, gay version of Jessica and Roger Rabbit

And Jessie is Eddie Valiant

okay hear me out

What if there's blueshipping, but James and Meowth are the tougher, gay version of Jessica and Roger Rabbit

And Jessie is Eddie Valiant

A Worse Pill to Swallow: The Return of the Jilted Jessiebelle Plot

Jessiebelle kills Dumbledore Meowth! The resurrection ritual will blow your mind!!!1eleven!

Here lies the thrilling conclusion to "A Worse Pill to Swallow."

Part one is here.

Part two is here.

This fic contains: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship; unexplained mpreg/male pregnancy; bizarre anti-abortion overtones; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; weepy!James (but can you really blame him, considering what twelve!me did to his life?); dickish!Jessie; generic boyfriend!Meowth; random “Jessiebelle does dark magic” plotline that goes absolutely nowhere; odd ideas about romance; loose understanding of the occult; possibly demonic kitten plotline that goes nowhere; kitten birthing scenes (make it double!); Twerps witness the miracle of Pokébestial childbirth; major character death (that gets undone by the most bullshit of methods); questionable song parody; JAMES EATS A PLACENTA; desecration of grave; ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-

*They all get ready for bed. That night at about 12:30 AM, Meowth is woken up by James shaking him.

James: Meowth! Meowth! I think it's time! Meowth: Breathe and push. (takes James's pants off)

*James starts breathing and pushing. He screams because of the pain.

James: It's not easier the second time! It just hurts more! Meowth: Hold my hand, Jimmy.

*James holds Meowth's hand. His pain increases.

James: (squeezes Meowth's hand) AHHH!

*James's other hand is in a fist.

Meowth: Push, James! James: (crying) I'm trying to!

*Team Twerp is spying on them.

Ash: What the crap?! Brock: This is weird. Misty: ….Maybe we should've camped out in a cave.

*James is pushing as hard as he can. He feels a kitten coming out.

Meowth: Push! James: AHHHH! (pushes)

*The push makes three of the kittens pop out.

Kittens: Meow! James: If I could get this last one out….(straining) Just one more left, Meowth….(squeals, pushes) Meowth: You're almost there! James: (weakly) Help, Meowth…. Meowth: Push, James! James: (pushes) EEEEE!

*A little kitten pops out.

Kitten: Meow! James: Ohhh….(falls back into bed)

*Meowth bites off the umbilical cords, then goes back to gingerly patting and rubbing James's hand.

James: (tired) So I didn't have ten kittens. Jessie: You do realize you just gave birth in front of the Twerps?

*James blushes, smiles sheepishly, and sweat-drops.

Meowth: You should just rest, James. It's late and you just had four kittens.

*Meowth gives the kittens bottled milk pumped from James's nipples. He scrapes the afterbirth onto a plate for them to eat. James goes back to sleep.

*The next day….

James: (sing-songishly) Oh, kittens! It's feeding time!

*James opens his shirt and picks up a kitten. The kitten bites James on the nipple and glares at him.

James: He hates me. I birthed him, and he hates me. (teary) What did I do wrong? Meowth: The others like you.

*All the other kittens sniff and lick at James.

James: I think they're just hungry. Meowth: I'll take care of this one for now. (picks up a milk bottle) James: I'll feed the other three.

*Two of the kittens suckle from James. The third one drinks a bottle of James's milk. The kittens take turns drinking from bottles and suckling from James, like the last litter did.

*A few weeks later, James takes a ride on Meowth's rocket again. A few weeks after this, James wakes up in the middle of the night to vomit.

*Minor detail: the snowstorm has kept up and Team Twerp is still stranded there.

*James gets out the pregnancy test for Pokémon and pees on the grey oval. Meowth notices James isn't in bed with him and gets up. He sees a light under the bathroom door.

Meowth: (knocks on door) Jimmy? You okay in there? James: (spaced out) Meowth? Meowth: Yes, James? James: (spaced out) Would you believe me if I told you that I'm pregnant again? Meowth: This is the third time. James: (spaced out) I know.

*There is silence for a minute. James is thinking about how his life got to this point.

James: Meowth? Will you please come in and nurse me? I'm about to get very, very sick.

*Meowth "nurses" James and makes sure none of the "sickness" lands outside the toilet. That's pretty much all he can do at this point.

Meowth: You definitely have a kitten in there. James: How many this time?

*Meowth gets out the "Kitten 2000 Pregnancy Test," a test that tells how many kittens a Meowth (or a James) will have. James pees on the grey oval. After a minute, a blue "1" appears.

James: Finally….A single birth. Meowth: But it'll probably seem equal to at least three kittens. James: (sighs) I'm used to it.

*James gets off the bathroom floor. He will probably be back there soon.

James: I guess I'll go back to bed. Any suggestions on what I should do?

*James is standing with a hand on his hip. His blue hair looks wet and his white pajamas look translucent because of the sweat. Meowth has a few ideas about what he wants to do with James in bed, but he wisely keeps them to himself.

Meowth: I think you should stay in bed—I mean—off your feet for a while.

*James sits down on the bed, feeling the kitten move.

James: I don't know why, but I'm really nervous this time. Meowth: You shouldn't be nervous. You're practically a pro at this. James: I just feel like something very bad is about to happen.

*Let's skip ahead to see why James is so nervous.

*Jessiebelle breaks in and kills Meowth with an occult knife.

James: No….He can't die. I'm still pregnant with his kitten. Jessie: He's gone, James.

*Like James is going to settle for "he's gone."

James: No. He can't be. He's not. This is just one of my crazy dreams, isn't it? Isn't it, Jessie?! This is just a dream, right?! Right?! Jessie: James, he's dead for real. James: Oh, no….(sits down heavily) No! (starts crying) Jessie: Don't cry, it's not good for the kittens. James: (weakly) This must've been why I was so nervous. (screaming and sobbing)

*The next day is a cold, cloudy day. The weather makes Meowth's gravesite look like a barren field. James comes out of the cabin, dressed entirely in black. He's wearing a black cloak with a small red "R" on it. He looks sad and his unkempt hair is blown limply by the wind. Basically, he looks defeated. He walks over to Meowth's grave and kneels down.

James: Why, Meowth? Why did you have to die? You never got to see your kitten. I'll never get to see your face light up at its birth. Sure, Jessie will help me, but now I'll need a photograph to compare the kitten's looks to yours.

*James stands up. He starts singing quietly.

James: (singing to the tune of "American Pie," the Madonna version) You left me singing….Why, why did Meowth die? We've got kittens, you were smitten by Jessiebelle's knife. We're down to two, with Jessie and I. I can't continue being a bad guy. I can't continue being a bad guy….

*The twerps are watching from a distance.

Misty: That's a nice song. James: (blushes) Thank you. (sighs) Meowth used to love helping me sing the kittens to sleep.

*They stand there silently.

Misty: I should be getting back to the group. James: Goodbye, Misty. Misty: Goodbye, James.

*James goes back into the cabin. His face looks drained of color, except for a red flush because of the cold wind. He goes into the bedroom and lies down in bed. He dreams Meowth's spirit comes back. He wakes up, quietly.

James: Meowth's spirit came back to me. Maybe Meowth will, too.

*James feels the time to give birth coming closer until one stormy night….

James: The kittens are coming! Jessie: Push! James: (pushes and screams) I know I can do this! (pushes) Kitten: (pops out partially) Meow! James: OH MY GODS! (screams, pushes)

*The kitten pops out fully. This time, James must bite off the umbilical cord.

Kitten: Meow! James: He's beautiful. (gets teary-eyed) But Meowth won't see this. (starts crying)

*Jessie comforts James and holds him as he breastfeeds the kitten. A little while later, he and the kitten share the placenta as a snack.

*The next day, after the kitten is more alert, James takes him outside to see Meowth's grave.

James: See that? That's Meowth's grave. He helped give you life. (softly) Unfortunately, you'll never get to meet him. Kitten: Meow? James: He was murdered. (starts to cry) Kitten: Meow. (snuggles up against James)

*The little kitten meows and smiles up at James.

James: (sniff) I love you. And your father did, too. (holds kitten close, starts crying again)

*After a while, James stops crying.

James: (dark voice) I cry too much. Jessie was right. Every single day, I cry.

*James's tone scares the kitten. The kitten starts to cry.

James: (near to tears again) Now I've scared my own kitten. (to kitten) It's all right, I didn't mean to take that tone of voice. I'm sorry I scared you. (sniffles)

*Tears run down James's face. He cradles and rocks the little kitten. The kitten stops crying.

James: It's all right. Don't cry.

*He is answered by a quiet snore and a small meow while breathing. The kitten has fallen asleep.

James: (smiles sadly) How sweet. He snores like a combination of me and….(voice trails off) I don't know what I'm going to do if I end up mentioning….I can't even say my own teammate's name. Am I too traumatized?

*Jessie comes out to comfort James. Wobbuffet comes out of his Pokéball.

Jessie: Get back in, Wobbuffet!

*Wobbuffet goes over to Meowth's grave and pees on it.

James: (gasps) Wobbuffet! Show some respect!

*The dirt shifts. A paw punches out of the earth, followed by the rest of a very dirty Meowth. Jessie and James are surprised.

James: Meowth? You're….you're alive?! Meowth: Apparently, Wobbuffet urine has regenerative properties. (looks at James) Is that the new kitten? James: Yes. I'm sorry you didn't get to see his birth. Meowth: (smiles) Don't worry. I saw it.

*A simple, happy ending to a complicated Pokébestial story.

-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Wobbuffet should pee on my music taste; maybe it'll get better.

The Book of Moltres James: He's Going to Need Burn Heal for His Soul (the fourth and final fraction)

He'll probably also need burn heal for another part of his body, but I'm not going to say which one.

Parts of this story are....very 2002.

Part one

Part two

Part three

This fic includes/will include: Pokémon/Human romantic relationship (but since it’s the human form of the spirit of Moltres, maybe it’s okay?); mpreg/male pregnancy; shaky understanding of religion, cults, and the occult; lack of medical knowledge (especially when it comes to "natural medicine"); bizarre focus on James’s virginity; mentions of blood; general angst; shaky grasp of the realities of pregnancy and childrearing; possible out-of-character moments for Jessie, James, and Meowth; definite out of character moments for the twerps; Butch and Cassidy are probably out-of-character, too; unrequited blueshipping from Meowth; original characters; bad ideas about romance; birthing scene; JAMES EATS THE PLACENTA (offscreen); ellipses abuse

-O-o-O-o-O-

The next day, James found out something he really shouldn’t have to deal with in his condition.

He found out who had been driving the truck that hit Moltres.

He was at the convenience store with Jessie, buying diapers. There was no one in the store except for the girl working there and two old ladies.

Butch and Cassidy walked in. They saw James in the diaper section and couldn’t help tormenting him.

They didn’t know Jessie was nearby.

“So, James, how does it feel to not be a Moltres?” Cassidy said.

“Actually, you’re wrong. In the real fortune-telling book, I was still a Moltres. So how does it feel to know I don’t care about your insults?” James said.

“Well, you will care—after we tell you about the death of Moltres,” Butch said.

“What do you know or care about the death of Moltres?” James retorted.

“You know that truck that ran over Moltres? What was on the truck?” Cassidy said.

“A black ‘R’.”

“Haven’t you figured it out? We didn’t know until it happened. But we looked back and saw this giant yellow fiery chicken,” Butch said.

“You didn’t….” James said.

“Oh, yes, we did.”

“And you’re proud of it.” James’s tone was dark.

“Yeah, we sure are.” Cassidy laughed in James’s face.

Then Butch and Cassidy walked out, laughing evilly and somewhat hysterically. The two old ladies stared at them.

James was left in a state of shock. He paid for the diapers.

“Jessie, we have to leave the store, now,” James said. He saw Butch and Cassidy hanging around outside.

“Why? What’s the rush?” Jessie said.

“We just have to.”

Jessie thought Officer Jenny was there, or James was about to go into labor, so she followed James out.

“Where are you going?” said a froggy voice.

They turned around and saw Butch and Cassidy. Jessie realized why James wanted to leave.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Trying to run away. That’s not very Moltres-like,” Cassidy said.

“And what were you doing in the diaper aisle? Do you wear diapers?” Butch said.

“Wait, he doesn’t. But I bet he and Meowth got together and did it and the kitten needs it!” Cassidy said.

“I knew you looked like you gained weight,” Butch teased.

James turned red.

“Leave him alone. Does he really need you to deal with? He lost Moltres and he’s going to have a baby. Don’t you think you should just piss off?” Jessie turned to James. “Let’s go.”

“Coward!” Cassidy screamed.

Jessie turned around. “Who are you calling a coward?!”

James tugged on Jessie’s shirt sleeve. “Jess, we should go.”

They got in their unmarked van and drove away.

“They ran over Moltres,” James said flatly.

“They did?!”

James nodded solemnly.

They were silent.

“Why does Cassidy have to be such a bitch? Like, who does she think she is, insulting you like that—”

“Jessie….”

“What is her problem? She needs to just shut the fuck up.”

“Jessie….”

“Maybe I should give her a good beating next time she does that.”

“Jessie! I think it’s time!” James cried out.

Jessie sped up. “We’ll be home in a second,” she said.

They got to the cabin. Jessie got out the van. “Can you walk?” she asked James.

“I think so….” James got out of the van and doubled over.

“You can’t walk,” Jessie said.

She tried to help James, but he resisted. “I want to do it myself,” he said.

Jessie ignored him. She picked him up and went into the cabin. She put him down on the bed. Meowth walked in.

“What’s wrong with James?” he asked, sounding worried.

“He’s in labor. Call the doctor,” Jessie said.

She went back to James. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” James was almost in tears.

“Maybe the doctor could give you some painkillers when he gets here.”

“No, Jessie.”

Jessie looked at James. “You don’t want painkillers?”

“I’ve never needed any unnatural medicine in my life.”

“What?”

“Not all medicine is man-made, Jessie. Most of it is made out of plants. But I’ve only taken medicine that has no chemicals in it.”

“What about the times when there wasn’t any natural medicine?” Jessie said.

James’s eyes glazed over. “I managed without it.”

Jessie remembered all the times she called James weird for running out to get all those weird plants. She wouldn’t help him find the plants because she was working on their plans. Meowth, who thought dandelions were flowers, wouldn’t have been very helpful. So James had to go out alone and find the plants himself, while he was in pain. If he didn’t find the plant he needed, he would just come back and suffer. Meowth would try to comfort James, but Jessie made them both work, so they hardly had any time to rest.

If Jessie had known James was so uncomfortable, she wouldn’t have teased him.

“Natural medicine is better for him anyway.”

Both Jessie and James turned to the door to see who spoke. It was the same doctor who gave James the check-up.

The doctor went over to James, who was having another contraction. “Just breathe,” he said.

James was breathing, but it sounded more like sobbing.

“All right, you’re ready to push!” the doctor said.

Meanwhile, the twerps heard a scream.

“What was that?” Misty said, scared.

“I think it was a scream,” Brock said.

They ran, following the screaming.

Back at the cabin, James was experiencing childbirth.

“You’re almost there! I can see the head. Now, just push really, really hard this time!” the doctor said.

James screamed and pushed. That last push did it.

“Congratulations!” the doctor said. Everyone heard the baby cry.

James cried. “I wish Moltres was here to see his child.”

Unknown to James and the others, a yellow-clad figure with red-streaked yellow hair floated outside the window.

“Worry not, James,” the figure said mentally. “I did.”

James got the telepathic message and looked toward the window. The figure smiled at him. The next thing James knew, the figure turned into the spirit of Moltres and flew off. James’s eyes filled with tears of joy as he held his child.

The doctor went into the other room to talk to Jessie and Meowth. James sat in bed, feeding the child from his breast.

Team Twerp had watched the whole thing through the window.

“What the hell?!” Ash screamed.

“Shut up, Ash! He’ll hear you,” Misty said.

James looked up. “What are you twerps doing here?”

“James….What did you just do?” Misty asked.

Ash climbed through the window.

“Take another step and I’ll slap you with the umbilical cord.” James’s tone was dark and ominous.

“James, please don’t tell me you just gave birth to the child you’re holding,” Misty said.

“Fine. I won’t tell you.”

“I don’t think you should become a parent,” Ash said. “Maybe you should give the child up.”

“You’ll get this child when you pry her from my cold dead arms.”

“Who’s even the father?”

“Why would you care?”

The doctor came back in. “Who are these three?” he asked.

“No one important,” James said.

“Did he really give birth to that child?” Misty asked.

“Yes. I helped him,” the doctor said.

“Maybe you three should go now,” Meowth said.

The twerps left.

“You should get some rest. You’ve been through a lot today,” Jessie said to James.

James put the child in a basket.

“He’ll be a good Moltres Witness,” Meowth said.

“It’s a girl. Her name is Twilight,” James said.

The doctor took out a dried plant, a pestle, and a mortar. He ground the plant up and mixed it with water.

“Here, drink this. It’ll help get rid of the pain,” he said.

James drank the potion.

“Natural medicine never fails to do its job. It lasts longer than synthetic medicine,” the doctor said. “And I saved the placenta. You can eat it for strength later.”

“No wonder you was always so healthy,” Meowth said.

They were silent for a while. James finished drinking the medicine.

“I just realized something,” James said. He must’ve been feeling better. “I don’t think I can fit into my Moltres costume.”

Everyone but James face-faulted.

“Well, at least I can lose weight by catching Pokémon,” he continued.

“You can’t, at least, not yet. You should try not to do anything that physical for six weeks.”

“Six whole weeks?” James exclaimed.

“Six to eight weeks. And you should try to stay off your feet.”

James lay back down, sighing.

“Get some rest, James,” Meowth said, tucking James back into bed.

Then the doctor left and James went to sleep.

-O-o-O-

James sat, nursing the tiny blue-haired baby.

He loved his daughter, Twilight. “If only Moltres could see her….”

He suddenly got the urge to look at the window.

He looked and saw the spirit of Moltres, in human form.

“Hello, James,” Moltres said.

“Moltres! You’re here!” James cried.

He went over to the window.

Moltres noticed Twilight. “Is she our child?” he asked.

“Yes,” James said.

“She’s beautiful. Just like her man-mother,” Moltres said.

“Look, Twilight, this is your father,” James said, showing Twilight to Moltres, but not in a Michael Jackson-ish way.

“Now you don’t have to be sad about her not knowing her father,” Moltres said. He hugged James. “I must go now. Goodbye, James.”

“Goodbye, Moltres.”

-O-o-O-

Epilogue (editor's note: PRAISE THE MIGHTY MOLTRES THIS SHIT IS ENDING)

Jessie, James, Meowth, and Twilight live happily in their new house.

Jessie, James, and Meowth got a new job where they get paid $1,000 a week so they have money to buy a small house. They all quit Team Rocket to set a good example for Twilight.

The twerps are not at war with Team Rocket anymore. They live next door to Jessie, James, and Meowth and visit them regularly.

Butch and Cassidy will probably feel the flames of Moltres and not in a good way.

James still goes to the temple of Moltres. He takes Twilight there, so she knows how great her father was.

James is an official Moltres Witness convert. He hopes Twilight will follow in her parents’ footsteps.

And as for Moltres, well, he’s out there. Moltres may just be reincarnated. James was never sure of that.

But he’s bound to find out!

-O-o-O-o-O-

Moral of the story: Eat the placenta.

E A T ~ I T ~ F O R ~ S T R E N G T H