Curious Fear

Curious Fear

i'm dreading it

i can't wait

i want time to slow down

i want it to hurry up

Future holds me in her hand

the strands of my hair

entwined around her fingers

and my feet glued to her palm.

i stray to Past sometimes

longing for her knowing embrace;

the comfort of her certainty.

but my hair only reaches my waist,

and the hands of the clock move fast.

so I look through the gaps,

watching the Sun

plunge below the horizon,

hiding its colours except

a pitying pink trail in the sky.

the following darkness is unbearable

until the Moon proudly shows off

it's blemishes in monochrome.

yet if their beauty were measured,

the scales would be left balanced.

i crave more,

hoping a new sight will find me through the spaces.

i look on with curious fear,

not knowing what shades of the sun

will paint the clouds tomorrow,

and which leaves will bathe in silver moonlight.

or if any of it will happen at all.

curling my body

into the ridges of her palm,

my lashes entangle to welcome sleep.

it comes with dreams of warm orange,

cold grey and midnight skies.

thinking about the casual intimacy of showing someone you love an unfinished work of art, the underlying message saying, i trust you with my unpolished heart

“Start now. Start where you are. Start with fear. Start with pain. Start with doubt. Start with hands shaking. Start with voice trembling but start. Start and don’t stop. Start where you are, with what you have. Just… start.”

— Ijeoma Umebinyuo

Colours

pink like the roses you gave me

like the blush tinting my cheeks

like my lips lifted into a smile

blue like the ribbon binding the flowers together

like the infinite sky above us

like the little birds chirping their tunes

green like the leaves of those flowers

like the soft grass beneath our feet

like that four-leaf clover;

handing you my luck

orange like the sun’s rays

streaming in through the window,

bathing everything in a warm glow.

silver like the ring encircling your finger,

like the one identical to mine

like the stars twinkling in the night sky,

when I fell asleep in your arms.

gold like the pendant glinting at my throat

unlike the promises

that you made to me,

and broke.

white like your t-shirt

before it was stained with your deceit

like the little lies you told me;

till I didn’t know what to believe

black like your wavy hair

silky to the touch

like the murky air

that’s suffocating the two of us

grey like the storm that’s been brewing

lightning striking in flashes,

like those pink roses,

the ones I burned to ashes.

you don’t know how much you meant to me.

how the words that left your lips

pierced my heart,

lurking in my head for hours.

how the sweet texts you sent

are locked up in my gallery

after all these months.

i look at them sometimes,

the screenshots taking me back

to a time that may have existed,

to a version of us

that looks perfect

in the haze of nostalgia.

is that a smile or a grimace?

a bittersweet taste on my tongue.

you don’t know how much you meant to me.

that drunken voice note still haunts me.

“i love you”s whispered in the dead of the night.

hours before dawn broke;

days before your heart did too.

i'm not sorry though.

i was sick of us,

sick of running in circles,

of the loop we were stuck in,

of our never-ending endings,

one step forward, two steps back.

you were a habit I couldn’t break,

but it was time to stop.

like a wilted flower clinging to a branch,

it was time to let go.

old habits die hard,

but as the nostalgia fades,

reality slams into me in waves.

and I’m glad I never told you

just how much you meant to me.

I’m drunk and my head is spinning and there’s this pressure in my chest; I feel like my old tendencies are back to haunt me but if that was the case then why aren’t you here?

- S.R.