Smittenbypoetry - Tumblr Posts

I was never like you

And for a long time that confused me

Because all I wanted was to be

Part of your world.

-S.Lilobell (But I could never be the ruby you wanted.)

Cyclical Human Beings

There’s not much you can say to seasonal people.

Temporary words stay longer than they do and

The December air is too crisp for their never ending need for change.

Their blankets of fall get tucked away before winter is even over

And no amount of warmth will keep them near for summer.

So what can really be said to someone who leaves a mountain of avalanches in their wake?

“Stay close for the seasons have more to offer than the rivers you’re used to…”

Or maybe something with a little less substance?

“There’s a bonfire tonight and a s’more with your name on it…”

Maybe it’s useless to try and contain running water like them.

They’re made of iron slivers that will leave you with a mess of wounds to clean

And a fountain of new anxieties that will never let you sleep in peace again.

So instead, say goodbye before ever saying hello to a Cyclical Human Being…

-S.Lilobell (They won’t stay long enough to hear your farewell otherwise.)

It was never like you to

Kiss me until the sun came up.

It wasn’t until I opened

My eyes did I realize

You still wouldn’t…

-S.Lilobell (Excerpts from a dream.)

I saw colors in your eyes

I’ve never seen before.

A beautiful hazel that hid

Generations of pain,

And I couldn’t help but wonder

If mine looked the exact same.

-S.Lilobell (“You have pretty eyes.”)

control and compliance

I'm sorry I could not morph you into what I wanted

Some illuminescent being with a soft touch

I ask forgiveness from both myself and you

for I was bested by a control with omnipotent fingertips

All I have ever craved was some makeshift authority

a fanatical over-compensation in place of what I lack

an autonomy to not fall upon bruised knees for any pleading voice

of a deeper degree

for I attempted to dominate my body

the growth of my girlhood into some cursed depiction of a blooming woman

my waist, my thighs, my shoe size

and even that revolted from my rule, escaped from my chokehold in the midnight hours

for now who do I see that looks back at me?

my captor, I am in a locked cage and am groveling for mercy

I tried to hold death in my hands

steadfast and determined

I kissed wrath's palms, wet with crocodile tears

as I burnt my lips on sorrow's flesh

and lust tainted my veins

the moon has now coaxed you to the precipe's edge

steep is the fall, jagged and beckoning

as their departed faces lay upon bare feet

whimpers still echoing throughout the blowing wind

a red ink stain upon the blossoming greenery

they were once our kin, a child's heart

still beating in the chests

sounds of love radiating within ribcages

pink cheeks and sun-kissed faces

far too similar to our own

lost from our being, stolen from our lungs

by some higher-power who found themselves entitled to take what we had created

within our own machinery

come back to my embrace, I shall entice you with a delicate song

of a sweeter touch, an embrace so warm it will melt your armored layers

I will not send you to an early demise, like the others before you

youthful and ignorant, past lives still apparent upon my skin

for I am unaware of how many I may have left

I shall not take you for granted, I am submitting control

to a happenstance that has haunted me since I could comprehend

the fear in the unknown

and the agony in chaos

Perhaps there is peace somewhere lost in the middle of this uncharted territory

-lauren a.p

A Haunting Impersonator

There are still moments

That I can’t listen to certain artists

Monologues haunted by deviant memories

To a strangely familiar tune

The soundtrack to your traumatizing touch

Painting my innocent frame

Hazy purple and fragile, broken and blue

I hate you sometimes

When the forgiving lenses placed upon my all-knowing iris’

Begin to crack, dampened by age and tears of a past-life

And my chest constricts as I struggle to catch my breath in clammy grasping fists

I lose my footing, spiral down a rabbit hole as I curse your life

An existence far from my own in some other state

Harboring a fugitive, a great impersonation of a man playing pretend

Bowing behind red curtains for your newest subject

Fresh and clean with youth to waste

Unaware that months from this day, or as the seasons bleed into years

And you trick and coerce with sickly-sweet promises of half-truths

With your fingers crossed behind your back

That she too shall wage a war upon your oppressing figure

As you stain and taint every surface you touch

I still will be here, too

Plotting your demise, manipulating the stories

I replay on repeat in the roving theatre hijacked within my mind

Or perhaps I will forget, and learn to breathe once more with the composure of knowing you may never touch me again

Safe and sound in a world I crafted and exiled you from

All but the memory of the gnashing scars you left

Buried deep beneath the bones of my body

Holding my soul captive with an eerie whisper

Of bittersweet lies

And mimics of a man

-lauren a.p

Hate your love

when you said you liked my curls,

i spent hours

straightening them out.

you complimented

the calm blue of my nails,

so i painted them a fiery red.

then the skirts left my knees bare,

unlike the denim that kept them warm

before you said i looked good in jeans.

and the day your fingers tied

the laces of my high tops,

i replaced them with stilettos,

the heels as sharp as my tongue

slipping poison onto yours.

i didn't mind when your hands

grazed the flesh of my cheek;

after all, i craved it.

i wanted your lips chasing mine,

needing to stain them

the shade of my new lipstick,

wanted the pads of your fingers leaving icy trails

down the heat of my skin.

i craved your touch,

but i resented your affection.

with every change i made,

i swore to never be

what you wanted me to.

entangled in my fabrications,

deceived by a false sense of control,

little did i know,

that you had me

exactly where you wanted me.

i couldn't recognize myself anymore

and you loved every part of me.

i want to know the answers.

the correct ones,

the perfect ones,

the ones that will stop me

from gazing up at my bedroom ceiling

as the night passes by.

i’m afraid, though.

fear crawls up my spine

soaking my skin.

i'm afraid the answer

simply doesn’t exist.

am i in the wrong place?

or an old puzzle piece

unable to fit in the right place

due to edges frayed by time.

in her cruel nature,

she snatches everything away.

like a forest fire,

unrelenting as it turns

lush green to ash grey,

nothing but mournful black land in its wake.

but we can’t blame time,

for cruelty is in her nature.

so we blame ourselves;

i blame myself

for not fitting in,

for not catching up,

for not growing and

shaping myself into the mould

of other’s expectations.

and all I can do is wait

and hope time will do it for me:

hope time will smoothen

my frayed ends

or tear them off entirely—

whatever it takes

to make this the right place;

whatever it takes

to find the perfect answer.

Colours

pink like the roses you gave me

like the blush tinting my cheeks

like my lips lifted into a smile

blue like the ribbon binding the flowers together

like the infinite sky above us

like the little birds chirping their tunes

green like the leaves of those flowers

like the soft grass beneath our feet

like that four-leaf clover;

handing you my luck

orange like the sun’s rays

streaming in through the window,

bathing everything in a warm glow.

silver like the ring encircling your finger,

like the one identical to mine

like the stars twinkling in the night sky,

when I fell asleep in your arms.

gold like the pendant glinting at my throat

unlike the promises

that you made to me,

and broke.

white like your t-shirt

before it was stained with your deceit

like the little lies you told me;

till I didn’t know what to believe

black like your wavy hair

silky to the touch

like the murky air

that’s suffocating the two of us

grey like the storm that’s been brewing

lightning striking in flashes,

like those pink roses,

the ones I burned to ashes.

Autumn

the soft pink painted sky

a backdrop

to the viridian mountains

lining the infinite horizon

behind the ochre autumn trees

whose golden leaves fly down

to kiss the solid earth

on which is perched a squirrel

shaped like the pillowy cloud

hiding the orange sun which glows

like your hazel eyes

fixed on mine

as your delicate fingers clasp

my hands gently

stroking my warm skin like

the frigid fingers of the october wind

stroke my hair

blowing around when

you reach out and

tuck the dancing strands

behind my ear and

the silky sound of your laughter

tickles my heart

causing my own to escape

past my lips against which

you press your own

to swallow the sounds

before they get lost in

the soft pink painted sky.

Let go

i want to let go

let go of everything

that's keeping me closed.

i want to untie the knot and unravel the rope

wrapped tight around my body

holding captive

everything that i am.

it tightens further,

squeezing my insides

until my feelings are stuffed into my organs

and my arteries threaten to burst

and bleed blue.

all the frustration tucked into

the nooks and crannies,

coerced out of my heart,

leaving the vessel hollow.

and now it just screams to be filled.

i want to let go and explode,

uncaring of the consequences.

i want to crush

under the soles of my shoes

the titles and expectations

like i did my dreams

for they were 'unrealistic'.

assurances of 'you're still young'

don't comfort me.

let me be young then.

let me be reckless like the rain

as i watch from the safety of my window.

let me live like a storm

that wreaks havoc in a few hours,

the aftermath echoing for years.

i want to be unpredictable

like the weeping clouds that turn

the clementine sky gunmetal grey.

i want to let go.

do i love him or his kisses?

butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

dusting my cheeks with a blush.

do i love him or his compliments?

words pouring over me like silky sweet honey.

cascading down in a delicate melody.

do i love him or his hugs?

warmth spreading through my chest

like a beam of sunshine.

wrapping me up in a cozy blanket.

do I love him or his whispered secrets?

smooth voice leaving a trail

of goosebumps along my skin.

trusting me;

a key securing a lock

do I love him or his hands

clasping mine tightly,

fingers entwined,

murmuring a promise.

do i love him?

or do i love the way he makes me feel?

i wonder what it's like

in that head of yours.

is it waves of sadness

pulling you under till you can't breathe?

or fists of regret

crushing you under their weight?

do claws of guilt pierce your skin,

talons drawing lifeblood?

or do flames of greed lick your arms,

scorching your entire being?

is fear your nicotine?

killing you from the inside out

while life without it is unknown to you?

or does a leash of longing tug at your heart,

as you desperately seek

what it is that you long for?

do red clouds of rage

paint your world bloody?

or does a dark cloak of anxiety

cast a shadow over the rest of us?

do you wear a blindfold of jealousy

until you've worn yourself down?

or a mask of annoyance

shutting us all out?

does loneliness engulf you

in a mocking embrace?

or do you spend your time

struggling to crawl out the grave

you dug yourself?

who's the puppeteer

pulling the strings that lift your smile?

is your smile real?

i hope;

i hope it is.

i hope you see it flicker in your darkness;

i hope you salvage a sliver of it—

of hope.

did i know you?

i still think of you

a passing thought in my mind's traffic.

i pay no attention,

"ignore it and it'll go away"

most days, it works.

but some days, in the dead of the night

when the darkness engulfs

both me and my musings,

it does not work.

it does not work and I reach out,

clutching that thought,

clinging to it

the idea of you.

the you I've built in my head.

the you who's soft as the petals of a rose,

comforting like a cup of warm chocolate.

but it isn't real,

it never was.

the real you pricks me

like the thorns of that very rose;

the real you is cold, indifferent.

or maybe,

i don't know you.

my mind deceives me,

there is no black and white,

only a grey haze.

as my fingers hover over your name on my phone,

i pull them back.

maybe I know you, maybe I don't.

maybe I miss you, but it's not enough.

your thorns have pricked me more than once.

so I still think of you,

but I'll never let you know.

i've gotten so used to it,

living with that buzz in my brain.

the background noise

telling me to move,

do something

it whispers of incomplete tasks and

people lost along the way

i've gotten so used to it though,

that it merely adds

a touch of weight to my shoulders,

disappearing when my mother pulls them back, correcting my posture.

the sound is all but gone

when i'm with my friends,

shouting out the lyrics

of the songs that shaped our childhood,

looking out of the car window

as the glowing lights flash past.

red, white, warm yellow.

the sound is gone

until i'm alone again.

but, still, it's nothing more than a buzz

one i ignore,

telling myself i'm fine.

the new year's given me that:

the ability to believe I'm fine, truly.

i've been walking at the edge of the waves

positivity, optimism, gratitude.

i repeat these, louder than the buzz,

but the waves gently lick at my feet,

threatening to wreck all I've built

the sandcastle standing precariously

on foundations of a new year and hopeful words.

i'm scared of my poetry now.

words i pulled out of my chest

by piercing my heart with thorns and needles

until they spilled out,

red and raw.

but i've decided to do it anyway.

pick up the pen

and momentarily

invite the buzz into the foreground.

dig holes that welcome the sea in streams

into the moat around my sandcastle.

it's a new year

so i've decided to trust myself.

trust that i can control the stream.

trust that my words won't drown me

and if they do—

trust that i can get back up to the surface.

idc

I don't care

I draw hard lines in the sand

Only to watch them swept up by waves

I don't care

I say to myself as I watch you

And her do the same things we did

I don't care

I tell myself as I see

your name on my screen

I don't care

I think as the songs fill my ears

And your face fills my mind

I don't care

I tell my friends

when you come up in a conversation

Because to admit

the opposite is weakness

It's giving in to you

It's disappointing myself

It's all the times

I went running back to you

when I knew exactly how it would end.

In a twisted knot

begging to be untangled

In nothing more than grey,

nothing more than ashes and dust.

I don't care

I don't care

I don't care

I repeat

Until the words lose their meaning

Until you're nothing

but a faded photograph

Until I can't remember

the exact sound of your voice

Until I can't recall

the things we used to talk about

Until you're nothing

but an afterthought.

we're all stupid little human beings

talking to gravestones

and

claiming the sky's tears as our own

ghost of you

a lingering touch on my arm

a quick hug against your side.

gently, you interlace your fingers with mine

just as gently, you press a kiss to my temple.

your thumbs catch the tears on my cheek

and your arms hold me tight against your chest.

your sweet words bring a smile to my face

and your low voice brings an ache to my stomach.

i miss you

deeply, terribly, painfully.

i miss you, yet i don't even know you.

maybe one day i'll meet you

or someone like you,

and i can finally tell them the words

i so desperately wish to say to you.

i am aching

for a life that is impossible

filled with only the best parts

of books and movies

of green fields and blue skies

of stolen kisses and whispered secrets

i want the pretty rain and soft snow

to return home to a lover's embrace

and food on the table

i want purple clouds and silver stars,

yellow trees and golden air.

i want the world to be rose-tinted and

tinged with summer

the smell of books mixed with that of the rain

white fluffy sheets and hot chocolate

glowing hair and swollen lips

happiness and that's all.

i'm starting to run out of fingers

to count the amount of times

you've made my heart flutter in its cage.

a gentle brush of shoulders

or an insult mixed in with smiles

when you grab my arm

to stop me from doing something stupid

or you shake my hand

and hold it for a second too long.

the sound of my name from your lips

carries with it more weight

than the two syllables ever held

and i can't help but want to know you

to travel the paths that led you here

to read the map which points

towards the mountains you've climbed

and the rivers you've swam across.

i want to know what you've left behind

and the secrets you're hiding

i want to know

if you prefer moonlight

to bright yellow sunshine.

dogs or cats? pink or blue?

an endless list of questions

i want more

and more

like a book whose pages are yet to be filled

and i'll wait for you to write down your stories

until we run out of paper and ink