It's Funny Just Howpowerful A Few Words Are.

It's funny just how powerful a few words are.

In real life social situations, I'm able to get away with silence. Just being with a group, whether I talk much or not, begins to open them up to me somehow. I've always sort of used that to my advantage (being shy and all), and strangely enough, it's served me well - I have a few lifelong friends just from existing in a location near these people. It's also helped me feel like I'm part of the group I'm with, that they know I'm part of them too.

On the Internet, that don't fly. If you want to be noticed, you have to speak up. And for the longest time, I never got the memo.

When I started out here on the web, I spoke briefly and went back to lurking. I thought people would notice my presence the "normal" way; that if I hung out long enough, I would be accepted more. But I didn't say enough, and even when I did, I never truly felt like I was part of the discussion. As a result, I've been pretty invisible.

Just recently I figured it out - if I don't say anything, how will people notice me? They won't. On the internet, you are displayed when you post something; if you don't post, you don't show up, simple as that. When I learned that, it hit me pretty hard, but then I realized just how obvious that should have been.

And then, just yesterday, I realized how easy it is to say something: just reply to other people. Original content can be hard/time-consuming (look how many posts I've made! hurr durr), but with a reply, the conversation is already started! And it's not hard in the slightest - I've always been one for situational conversation, just letting it flow while I comment here and there.

Not only am I putting myself out there, but more importantly, I'm also spreading joy. I always get super excited when someone replies to my tweets/posts/etc., so why not do that for other people? I'm happy, they're happy... it makes perfect sense!

I'm just surprised it took me this long to figure out.

Paranoia pt. 5: The ongoing struggle

My first quarter of college went really well, but that was from being cooped up at home doing nothing all summer. I was ready to do some work and get some stuff done. Winter quarter didn't go so well, and spring quarter was even more of a struggle, as my complacent tendencies kept getting worse and worse.

I was certain that my pill was the cause. Between that and some new information that it can cause memory loss in some cases, I was tired of it. So, midway through winter quarter, I stopped taking it. There were no adverse side effects (probably because I halved the dose over a period of time), but I did notice myself get more tense and jumpy, and my thoughts raced faster. I haven't had a panic attack since.

But it was immediately apparent that the pill wasn't the problem. It didn't necessarily get worse because I stopped taking the pill, but it did keep getting worse at the same steady rate as before. By spring quarter, I was barely staying afloat grade-wise, and my attendance record was 50% overall.

At some point I even stopped making levels. When I noticed this, I really began to worry about myself. "Maybe I have depression or something? No, that's just my paranoia again. I just have a really bad work ethic. Haven't I always been this way, though? I was this bad in high school too."

With my record this past quarter, I am once again appalled that anyone took pity on my and let me keep my scholarship. And of course these feelings of worthlessness are bigger than just that, knowing that I don't have the drive to complete a simple assignment, or even fully enjoy my hobbies. I feel like I've just turned into a little ball of consumption with nothing to give back.

And thus we arrive at the present day, where somehow all of these feelings of shame, worthlessness, and nothingness have somehow, some way increased tenfold over the summer, even though I've had little to no real work to do. Every time, I think that maybe something's wrong with me, only to remember my paranoid tendencies and tell myself that it's actually my fault.

Just less than a week ago now, a close friend of mine who was worried about me showed me a game called Depression Quest. It's a short text-based browser game playing in the role of someone with depression. The player is given a set of possible ways to deal with a situation, but some of them are crossed out due to the player's condition.

It scared me how much I was able to relate to almost everything in the game. That was the real turning point for me, in thinking that maybe it's not just my paranoia, and maybe something is beyond my control here... Reading and hearing about other people's stories of depression only make me more and more convinced of this:

I think I have depression too.

I feel like I'm finally figuring out what I want to do with my life: I want to be the best friend that I can.

I enjoy making people happy. That's something that's been ingrained into my being since the start. What better way to make them happy than by being their friend? It makes me doubly happy to see someone I care about with a smile on their face, so I try to entertain, and tell dumb jokes, and listen to their problems, and.... that sounds like being a friend, doesn't it? I do this with people I hardly know, and it still brings me joy to see them laugh. 

Yet there's days when I realize that I haven't spoken to someone I know in a very long time, or when I make a mistake and hurt someone, that I wonder if I'm actually cut out for this. I often can't even bring myself to initiate conversation with someone I've known for years; how can I expect myself to be a friend when I don't even have the basics down? Sometimes my friends, even my family want to talk to me and I just ignore them. Or I make a mistake and push them away, hurting them in the process. It pains me when I realize what I'm doing.

But I'm not perfect, and no one is. I'm still an introvert, and that's hard to grow out of. Sometimes I need to be alone to better appreciate the company of others. The more I appreciate my friends - and the more they appreciate me - the more I feel like I'm doing the best I can.

50 followers!

Hooray for arbitrary milestones! shoulda waited til 64

I've nothing to offer for this occasion but immense gratitude and appreciation. Thank you to the 30 legitimate followers for making me feel special, and thank you to the 20 bots/spammers for making me feel like I'm making progress now and again.

And let's not forget those of you without Tumblr accounts who visit my blog regularly. You're awesome too.

Custom tracks in Mario Kart 8.

It's happening.

Things I have learnt this year from university

1. NOTHING has a concrete definition.

2. EVERYTHING is a combination of genetic and environmental factors.

3. NOTHING has a binary system. EVERYTHING is on a spectrum.