Da Capo - Part 11

Da Capo - Part 11

Part 1-5 | Part 6 - 10

Coda (Italian: 'tail'). The tail end of a piece of music. Usually a section which indicates the end of the piece or section is approaching.

The wind howled where he sat, his back unsupported,his legs dangling off the roof and the smoke of one of the chimneys going off in the air, leaving grey clouds behind. He liked this peace, the silence, the scene in all because perhaps he was always looking for that void inside him to be filled and this helped him,the bizarre evening with one part of the sky already turning a darker shade of blue while the rest was painted in the pink orange sky, he liked it, he liked it all here, right where he was yet he felt himself to be in one of those moments where he’s diving in the ocean looking for something only he doesn’t know what it is, he’s just going deeper and deeper but he doesn’t even realise what it is. There were so many moments in his life that felt like blank canvas waited to be painted with or he felt as if he stood before a blank canvas with a brush in his hand, a stroke in position but he doesn’t know what to paint and it scares him that he doesn’t. He heard someone once say that he was the master of his own life, that his decisions, his choices, his life all lied in his own hands but he had often related himself to the animals left in the circus to perform, he knows what he needs to perform because he’s been trained to, he had rehearsed it but when the time comes when he’s on stage and it’s all real, he’s alone and he does as he had practiced and everyone in the audience thinks he came up with it, that he did it but that was the thing, he didn’t, he never did anything on his own,he was just a well trained circus animal ready to play fetch on stage. The silence grew louder in his chest and he stared longingly at the view reminiscing his conversations, the one with Draco which was more a dissolved argument than a conversation and the conversation with Ron 3 days ago . Reality crushed him like every other time and he fucked up once again, like he did several times in his life, like he did with everyone, like he fucked up at work today, he hated this him, the one who fucked up a lot, the one who let people down, the one who messed up relationships, the one where he remained alone bearing the consequences of fucking up, he wishes he didn’t fuck up but he felt all his life has been nothing but a fuck up and maybe that’s why he left everything behind so he could relearn life, so he could undo himself, be a new transformed Harry who didn’t fuck up and everyone would love him but it always felt impossible for him to not fuck up, it was as if it ran in his veins to mess it all up. 

He visions the look on Draco’s face the night he left, the night they fought recently, he can imagine that it was the same pained look he woke upto everyday after Harry left him. He thought he did good, leaving Draco, abandoning him so he could see clearly why being with Harry was only a ruin, a sort of abysmal curse but the day he held the phone to his hear to call him back, he knew somewhere deep inside him that Draco didn’t see Harry that way, not yet at least. He wanted him to hate Harry, to finally open his closed eyes and see why being with Harry was just a stupid mistake but in his moments of weaknesses, he seek his comfort, his touch, his soft eyes, his soft smile, his love for him that he knows still linger somewhere, behind all of it, there’s still love and Draco didn’t deny it the night Draco left, he didn’t run away like Harry did, he faced his love and he conquered it and he stood with love and he exposed his love for Harry like an open wound but instead of healing it, Harry digs the flesh a little deeper so he was hurt, more, but maybe Draco was a fool in love that Harry knew he’d wait. He said it so himself that night that he’d wait, it wasn’t in his words that gave him assurance, it was in his face, in his eyes, in his pain that he’d wait when Harry is ready but how long would he wait until he have to give up. Would he ever even give up ? If 10 years from now if Harry doesn’t return home or he doesn’t reply to his calls, would he give up ? Would he settle with a man who would love him and cherish him and promise to love him to his grave, would Draco go with the man or would he wait for Harry to run to the altar to stop his wedding or would he wait for Harry late at night in his marriage to pick up the undialled call or would he look at strangers in the store and mistake them to be Harry and accidentally wave at them, would he name his kid Harry because it reminded him of the early happiness in his life, would he wait or would he give up if Harry decides to never return ? 

Harry likes to imagine a life where Draco waits, a life where the fight over who tore the grocery bag or who’s turn is it to change the toothpaste or who forgot to put the milk in the fridge or a life where Draco have sweet nicknames for Harry each day, a life where they celebrate anniversaries with their loved on. A simpler life, the one where Harry doesn’t mess up but when an year ago when he used to see Draco stressed over things that Harry caused, he just wished to take his pain away, his sufferings away and that time the answer seemed to be leaving him and it maybe worked for a while, but then the void started to grow day by day as he walked the streets of Paris alone, as he visited all those famous places alone, as he started to shop alone, he felt the void growing and no air, no water, no sand, nothing extinguished it because it wasn’t a fire, it was in its own ‘matter’ that took up space, weight and mass, a weight that felt heavier day by day. He remembers one day when he woke up and he was in a good mood for once in a very long while and he remembered discussing with Draco about how Paris was a nice place to go for a trip and he booked the tickets as a surprise for their coming anniversary but that night when he had came from work, he saw Draco so much stressed from work, from things at home, from family, people that Harry tore those tickets apart without even thinking twice, now he likes to think that maybe taking Draco on that trip would’ve changed everything, for better or for worse, either on that trip Draco could’ve realised how Harry was a burden in his life or he could’ve realised that Harry was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with but he never waited to find out because he was  impulsive and he took a decision so fast that he never even fully thought of what would’ve happened and somewhere Harry pretends its alright because he could not have bore such a result, he could not have bared being the one in his life or the worse where Draco would’ve decided to leave Harry because it seemed better when he didn’t know the truth but he wishes a lot that he knew it, he wishes that he had taken him on that trip and found out the answers that beheld, but again that’s what his entire life was, looking for answers for questions he never asked. There are questions he had pinned in the last page of his journal he opens only when he have a new one and the most highlighted one was the one " why did I come to Paris ? Why did I run away ?"

Maybe Draco was a bait he fed the answer as to the question but it had always been bigger than that, he knew it, he knew when he felt it when he blamed draco most nights that he ran away, he can feel it stirring inside his bones like an earthquake ready to divide the earth in two, but he doesn't know, he doesn't know what the answer is, neither is he sure he would ever be ready to learn that answer. He liked to live in peace that he didn't know it, yet he spent most of his days wondering about the dangling question just like his feets right now. He knows the answer wouldn't make any difference but he likes to think it would, he likes to imagine that he knows the answer, he likes to imagine that the answer lies in his fist but he's just too afraid to let go.

He heard the screeching of the door open behind him of the roof and he turned around to see Thomas walking in with a ball in his hand.

" Que fais-tu ici ?" ( What are you doing here ?) Thomas asked walking towards Harry, his ball tucked under his arm

" La vie " ( life ) Harry Chuckled.

Thomas didn't say anything but sat down besides Harry, a little scared to keep his feet dangling so he held onto the wall too tight.

" won't fall " Harry assured

" Comment savez-vous ?" ( How do you know ) Thomas snapped lightly

" this wall beneath " Harry pointed at the wall beneath his dangling feet. Thomas relaxed a little but still held onto to the wall tightly.

" Et la vie alors ? " ( So what about life ) Thomas asked turning to face Harry a little.

Harry chuckled " Tout " ( everything )

" dis-moi tout alors " ( tell me all about it then ) Thomas said.

Harry confusedly frowned at Thomas, trying to reconnect in his head the meaning of the words.

" tell me about it?" Thomas said in his french accent.

" Ce n'est rien " ( it's nothing ) Harry shook his head

" tell me" Thomas egged.

Harry stared at Thomas, a little boy of 12 for longer than a few minutes then thought what harm could it do.

" Un garçon " Harry said with a smile ( a boy )

" Celui qui a visité ?" ( The one who visited ) Thomas asked curiously

Harry nodded " Utilisé pour sortir avec lui" ( used to date him )

" you don't say " Thomas chuckled.

Harry smiled at Thomas confused " Pourquoi ?" ( Why ?)

" ah, he love you- Beaucoup " ( very much ) Thomas chuckled.

" how do you- did he tell you ?" Harry asked curiously

" no, I just see " Thomas answered.

Harry wanted to Laugh, he was a mere boy of 12, how possibly could he had seen the love or anything that existed but Harry always knew Thomas has been far wiser for his age and had noticed thing's many failed to notice.

" Qu'as-tu vu ?" ( What did you see ?) Harry asked

" Amour " ( love ) Thomas smiled.

" what sort ?" Harry asked now genuinely being curious, as if it'd help find answers.

" you see- this " he picked up his ball and pointed at it. Harry nodded. " Je joue au foot tous les jours, j'adore ça. Comme si c'était mon oxygène. He love you like that " ( I play soccer every day, I love it. Like it's my oxygen)

Harry thinks he barely understood it, he thinks he doesn't understand his french but he did, he knew when he picked up his ball, he knew where he was going just when he pointed at it, he understood the end most of all.

" football- my life- he love you- like your his life " Thomas said.

Harry stared at Thomas with a ball in his hand for very long time, he could hear him breathing, the scratching of his elbow on the ball, the sound of the chimney blowing off, the sound of a pressure cooker giving a whistle, he could listen it all and yet he was stuck with his echoing words from Thomas "he love you- like your his life "

Draco loved harry like he was his life, was it true, he didn't know.

" Commentaire savez-vous ?" ( How do you know ) Harry finally asked.

" Vous pouviez le voir, à la façon dont il vous rendait visite, à la façon dont il vous achetait à manger, à la façon dont vous riiez ensemble quand vous montiez les escaliers, c'était un rire plutôt agaçant mais c'était un vrai rire, Vous pouviez le voir dans la façon dont il vous regardait, dans la façon dont il marchait avec vous, parlait avec vous, dans tout. Il t'aime, beaucoup, tellement" Thomas answered truthfully.

(You could see him, the way he visited you, the way he bought you food, the way you laughed together when you walked up the stairs, it was a pretty annoying laugh but it was a real one, the laugh,You could see it in the way he looked at you, in the way he walked with you, spoke with you, in everything. He loves you, a lot, so much)

Harry's French wasn't as strong as it should've been and he knew he didn't understood most of it but he could feel it when Thomas said everything, he meant Draco loved him in everything, In the way he laughed with him, in the way he talked with him, in the way he visited him, in the way he walked with him, he loved him in everything and a lot too.

" Comment en savez-vous autant ? " ( How you know so much ?) Harry asked after a while.

" watching " Thomas replied, then pointed at the dying sun and smiled " it's beautiful "

Harry smiled after a while too. It was beautiful. It was very much indeed.

" you love him too ?" Thomas asked.

Harry nodded " too much that it hurts "

Thomas understandably nodded.

" he loved you too much- must hurt him too "

Harry frowned, it was like it just hit him, it must hurt him too, not because Harry wasn't with him, it must because he had Harry and yet didn't, it must hurt him because Harry's hurting and he knew it, he knew it because he was waiting, because he said he would, because he knew harry was hurting. It occured to him then that Draco knew all of it, but was waiting for Harry to speak about it, that it was hurting him to remain in love with someone who was also in Love but was afraid of it, and he knew it, Draco knew all of it yet pretended he didn't.

Harry didn't say anything for a long while after that just thinking of Draco until it started getting darker and he realised they had been sitting here for a long time doing nothing.

" Je ne sais pas pourquoi je suis venu à Paris ? " ( I don't know why I came to Paris ) Harry abruptly said.

Thomas startled a bit until he relaxed then spoke up " Pourquoi veux-tu rester ?" ( why do you want to stay )

" Je ne sais pas " ( I don't know ) Harry honestly Answered.

Thomas shook his head then got off the fence wall and jumped behind to walk back towards the door but he he remained there for a moment only to say " Alors trouve une raison de revenir en arrière " ( then find reasons to go back )

Harry looked at Thomas for moment longer than one until Thomas nodded, bidding a bye and left and Harry remained there thinking about what Thomas had just said and why it suddenly hit him hard.

He realised he finally reached the bottom of the ocean, there was no beyond anymore, not anymore at least, just going back.

I added the translation of French portions so you people could understand. Thanks for the support so far.

Requests open / MASTERLIST

Da capo - part 6

Trail post part 1 to 5

Ritenuto (Italian: ‘held back’)

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When God made you, he was showing off

Showing off exactly what ? 👀👀

For he who found solace

They all said when they lost the apartment they've been betting on for months, when they saw their fiance wanting something different, when they couldn't make it through a job interview, when they didn't get a promotion that " life is unfair " but little did they know about the suffering of Someone Somewhere across the world. What a pity should be offered to those who suffered like this but what a pity should be offered to the one who suffered plenty. What a pain must he had felt when the door shut on his face with his bags thrown out of the manor he grew up in, the place who was his own- for raising his voice, for choosing to be someone, for trying to be different, for choosing to not marry young, for choosing to not be a manufacturing unit for the malfoy blood line, for choosing to do the work he liked and not what they liked, for choosing to be Involved in work a malfoy wasn't supposed to be involved in, for choosing to stand for what was right, for choosing to love men over women, what a pity it was to stand there where he stood with tear stained faced with shaking hands and choked sobs that didn't stop. The pain he felt was not what they understood because their father didn't call them a dirty filthy son and threw them out with the bags. They didn't know. The world didn't know what he felt when he was there, nobody cared to. Draco picked up his bags, Walked with destroyed confidence because of that scar that a ruled the life of a 19 year old boy. He disapparated to the one boy who had known the pain, who had lived with his life being ruled upon, who has been rumoured to have broken up with girlfriend. Draco never knew why or how or what he could've done but he knew out of all the used to be broken fragments of people, it was he who would offered him the solace he seeked. He rang the doorbell at much later than midnight and upon opening be whispered in broken voice " can I stay here for a while? I have no one " harry nodded, helping him with bags and letting him in.

It was after hours in the morning light when draco had finally decided he could face the world he approached harry with a small nod and harry stood up, wrapped his arms around him because he finally could and whispered " life is unfair "

I was too tired to complete my prompt tonight.

Requests open

MASTER LIST TO PREVIOUS MICROFICS/PROMPTS

Da Capo - Part 12 - The Last  

Part 1 - 5 // Part 6 - 11 // Request by @sunflowerishdolphin is finally complete, a soft epilogue however will be released. Dialogue Prompt no. 16- “I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear ?” 

Da Capo-(Italian: from the beginning); at the end of a piece of music or a section of it, means that it should be played or sung again from the beginning.

Harry sat restlessly, his legs bouncing up and down frantically, biting his nails waiting for the ticket collector to just take his ticket. Leg bouncing? Nervousness. Biting his nails? Impatient. He stared out from the window as the train started moving and he pressed his back firmly against the seat, his heartbeat rising and falling. He was finally doing it, that’s all he thought, after 10 hours of his brain fusing and turning on again, he was finally going to do it, he was going to finally go home, at least what he used to call home.

In the last 10 hours after he had a peaceful conversation with Thomas about realizing there was only going back, he impatiently stared at the phone, picking up the dialler to call Draco, then set down again. He did it probably a thousand times until he knew there was no way he could fix everything without seeing him. So there he was boarding a 2-hour train at 8 p.m. to London.

“ votre billet ?” (your ticket)

Harry immediately fetched the ticket out of his front pocket, gave him the ticket then finally relaxed down in his chair as if taking the ticket away had done something to him. It really didn’t though.

Not more than 5 minutes later, his nervousness and anxiety crept back in him and he couldn’t wait to just reach already. He became so impatient that the woman who sat in front of him, knitting her sweater and telling a story about when she first started knitting, he felt like putting her sweater on fire but he assured himself it was just anxiety doing it to him, so after minutes he finally politely left his seat and went by the train door and opening it to just breathe. It was in that moment when Harry realized how the small compartments of the train were cage-like, forcing him to halt his breath, suffocating him as if a cord was circling tighter around his neck minute and by the minute. He couldn’t help it but when he stared at the compartment door of the Train, he realized how much he liked being here and how much the compartments reminded him of his life, the people in it and his past, the one that kept suffocating him unconsciously that he deeply desired to abandon everything and so like everything else, he remained seated at the train door instead of in his seat, because he felt more alive here than there.

Those 2 hours in going from Paris to London seemed like a journey of a lifetime with Harry watching fields after fields passing by, his breath halting some times, then relaxing again. Those 2 hours seemed to have taken everything out of him that was left, and rendered him exhausted, and not just physically. When he finally got to the station and boarded off, he sort of wished Draco was there standing to pick him up like Harry always picked him up at the station but then again, nobody knew Harry even was in London now, not even his own heart. It was just his mind that was finally in London and his physical being. It was as if a part of him still hadn’t accepted that he was back where it all started and maybe that part of him was never going to accept.

Harry took the first overpriced taxi to Draco’s apartment and with his heart beating loudly in his chest, he reached there, but when they reached the destination, Harry remained seated for the longest time that it kept overcharging him for every single he remained there.

“ anytime now,” the taxi driver said, biting off his dry lips, watching Harry in the mirror.

Harry looked at the driver, then at the apartment building, then again at the driver.

In the loop he performed, he vividly remembers sitting right in the taxi even the night he left, performing the same loop, it was all like, he was still stuck there, in time, in a loop of Draco and away. He could run away now too, he could easily abandon everything again and probably never come back again but then his eyes fell upon the closed bakery just in front of the building and he remembered the first time Draco had gotten home with stuff from that Bakery and for the first time Harry had felt worthy because someone had done something for him. All those small things that happened made so much more sense but like that closed bakery, abandonment was easier than keeping it up because you always have to pay the debts. He harshly breathed again, his hand pressed against his chest, rubbing in circles to calm his heart but as the loop went on for a longer time, he found it harder and harder to make the first steps. Abandonment was easier. Going away was easier. Leaving everything away was easier but coming back, it was the hardest thing to do.

He irrationally released a breath again and this time the driver spoke “ I’m at perfect Liberty to kick you out, are you going to get out or not ?”

Harry stared at the driver, then finally as if he found a little amount of courage and almost scared of the driver he got out, and the driver immediately scrambled away. He stared longingly at the apartment building, remembering how it had happened before too. It was a loop, Harry reminded himself. A Circle with infinite loops. A Circle that only got more intimidating as it closed in, only it wasn’t a circle closing in, it was right where it had been but it seemed to come closer or maybe it was all just in Harry’s head.

Minutes passed by and Harry remained there, standing in front of the apartment building, he could’ve remained there all night, slept there too, and just simply would’ve met Draco the next morning when he would leave for work but that was easier wasn’t It and coming back was hard and so this night Harry chose the harder thing to do, he walked the steps upstairs after several minutes and without thinking he rang the doorbell.

“ yes ?” A strange man opened the door and Harry’s breath almost stopped upon imagining that Draco had gotten on with someone, moved on, and finally started dating new and a couple hundred more possibilities until the guy asked him again what he actually needed.

“ there’s no Draco Malfoy here ” and he shut the door on Harry’s face. He weirdly stared at the door for a few moments until he realized he rang the wrong doorbell and finally walked up another floor.

He rang the doorbell after double-checking and finally after what felt like several seconds the door opened.

“ Harry ?”

__________________________________

“ can I help you with a cup of tea or a coffee ?” Draco asked as he lowered his gaze at Harry from where he was standing to him who was sitting in Draco’s purple living room chair.

Harry didn’t reply like the several other times he hadn’t this night. He remained there, seated on the chair numb in silence. He was so silent that it seemed like he was in a shock which he was finding difficult to recover from. Draco didn’t know why he even tried asking anything anymore, he didn’t receive a reply anyways.

Draco sighed as he walked back into the kitchen and returned with a cup of coffee and put it on the coffee table next to Harry “if you feel like drinking of course ”

But he received no reply this time either. It was slightly frustrating if Draco had to be honest but the moment his eyes would land up on Harry, he knew there was something so much bigger than he’d ever expected, he knew Harry had a reason coming back here with the luggage but perhaps in the courageous act of packing the luggage he hadn’t made peace with the fact that he was infact coming back to London. So Draco waited like he always promised he would. 

“ I don’t know why you’re here and I’m sure you have a reason but since you’re basically in a shock, I’m going to sit there and keep reading my book like I was doing before, and if you feel like talking just speak up ”

Harry didn’t reply this time either, so defeated Draco sat down on the couch in front of the fireplace and resumed reading his book like he was doing before Harry came along. 

Though in Harry’s mind things ran wild. He was in Shock. He thought he knew what he was doing when he set off to come back here but sitting in the same apartment he abandoned a year ago everything felt so surreal like something was tormenting him. He knew his coming back here had a reason only in the rush of doing the right he hadn’t even thought of what he was going to say when he would finally face Draco. It was like he planned and he planned and there were words in his mouth but the moment he’d try to open his lips, they would collapse on his tongue and he’d be speechless again. There were so many things he wanted to say yet he didn’t know how to tell him, he knew nothing of how he was even going to speak up and it terrified him.

Minutes after minutes went by and only when Draco changed his position a little bit to tuck his feet under his thigh that Harry finally dared to speak.

“ I love you ”

Draco’s eyes widened suddenly, his book almost falling off his hands as he stared at Harry, the words echoing in the room in the thick air.

“ what? ” Draco asked, his throat closing in.

“I love you. Is that what you wanted to hear? Isn’t it ?” Harry nervously asked.

Draco inhaled sharply, closing his eyes for a moment before opening them again and resting his book on the side table, and properly turned to Harry.

“ No ” Draco shook his head “ That’s what you think I want to hear ”

“ then why everything ?” Harry asked

Draco frowned a little, his head tilting like he couldn’t believe Harry had asked something as stupid as this or that he just couldn’t believe that he had asked this question after everything that went down by the river.

“ because I like spending time with you. I told you that before too ”

“ but that’s not all ” Harry countered.

“ it is all-”

“ We both know it’s not ” and now it was Draco’s turn to be left speechless because they both knew it was always more than that, only both of them kept denying the bouncing thought that ever came in their heads until now.

“ Why are you here Harry? I thought you didn’t want to come back here anymore ?” He asked sighing.

“ bec- because- ” he halted then as if he realized he spoke again “ I don’t know ”

Draco let out an exaggerated breath, leaning back on his couch like he couldn’t believe Harry had answered but wasn’t surprised because he saw it coming.

“ you really don’t know? You took a train for here, you came all the way here and you don’t know why ”

“ I- I thought I knew but- I- I don’t anymore ” he stuttered.

Draco pinched the bridge of his nose lightly before he placed his hands to his side on the couch as if he was about to get up.

“ then you coming here was a waste ” and he indeed did get up.

But like a switch that flicked inside Harry, he stood up too and raised his voice to create more emphasis “ to fix things ”

Draco turned around to face Harry “ to fix things? What exactly do you want to fix, us ?”

“ yes- because I don’t want to live off without the possibility of us, I thought I could do that but that’s not what I want, I don’t want to live in a time where we don’t exist because I like us ” that left Draco flushed and speechless, what was he supposed to say, it left him both angry and happy and he didn’t know which exactly he should react with to make it sane enough.

“ you said you like spending time with me and I do too. I want to fix this because maybe one day I want to sit next to you and discuss a grocery list or maybe fight over pillows or whatever it is that couple’s do because I do like you Draco, I just don’t want to live in a time where there isn’t us. I want to fix this because it’s the right thing to do” Harry explained, his hands moving in exasperated motions.

“ you don’t fix things because it’s the right thing to do Harry, you fix things because you want to ”

“ But I want to ”

“ do you really? ”

Silence again.

“ Draco -”

“ Harry, I like you, very much that it physically hurts me but I know what you’re saying right now is not going to last, it didn’t the last time, and nor is it going to this time. You like the idea of us, you don’t actually like everything we have because we had fights over pillows and discussing grocery lists and you were never enthused in it because you didn’t like that, so tell me Harry why do you want to fix things? Why now? Why not a year ago when we had everything ?” Draco asked and waited patiently as Harry gazed at him as if he was reading off a script on his face to look for his answer, though there wasn’t any script because this was real, very much real.

Draco waited for his answer and Harry didn’t have one and he decided to walk away, back into his bedroom without caring what would happen to Harry but that was in his head Because the moment the thought flashed in his eyes, Harry caught and spoke up before he could even take on a step.

“ You had everything Draco”

“ I didn’t ”

And the silence dragged on for several moments. The weight had been lifted or had become balanced but the truth had been unveiled and the moment became so much more than it had been before. This was the reason Harry knew he left that night. Draco had everything, Ron had everything, Hermione had everything, Ginny had everything, everyone had everything but him. He had nothing of his own because everything he had was on borrowed time, relationships, people, things, everything, like nothing was entirely his own and he felt his existence to be just a mere survival as if, if he wasn’t there it would be indifferent Because he simply didn’t matter, because he was always for granted, everything in his life was, even him.

“ I had nothing-”

“You had me, you had Ron, Hermione, molly-everyone-”

“ not my own Draco, not my own. None of you are my own even if someday’s it felt like that but most days when I was sulking away I knew everyone had different lives, everyone was on their own and they had everything- I didn’t. I didn’t live a normal life- at least not what a normal 17 year would have lived Draco- and I looked for it everywhere- in Ron, in Hermione, in Molly, Ginny, George, the work people, you but I didn’t find because none of you are the answers. I had everything but I had nothing Draco, nothing that was just my own, not even my own life. Everything was just granted ” Harry stopped.

For the first time in his life, Harry felt spoken, heard Because he was finally saying words he had held onto for so long that they had Turned into nothing but secret’s he himself didn’t know of and now finally he was unraveling his secrets and Draco was only watching as Harry Started to crumble away like a huge mountain was melting into mere dust. 

“ I loved you Draco- and I did but everything we had in a relationship just grew on me, like I was playing a part of a perfect boyfriend, and even with everyone else, I was playing the part of the perfect ex, the perfect best friend, the perfect savior, the perfect son like, the perfect auror. I was always playing the part-”

“and you didn’t want to anymore. That’s why you left ” Draco finished his sentence. Harry nodded.

“ I was tired. I was so tired that I couldn’t even see anything straight ” Harry’s throat closed and he saw down on the chair once again, releasing a sharp breath, overwhelmed with emotions.

Draco watched Harry almost in pity and curiosity and wonderment in a way for how Harry had lived like this all this time and how had he never realized it.

“ I looked for this answer for so long, I thought that maybe being in Paris would give me the answers but it had been with me, everywhere I went because these words are of my own, not of places. I thought I needed to get away but- I- I never wanted to leave but- every day- I just felt being pushed in a box or you know watching my painting from afar turning into dust, I felt distancing away from who I was, who I could’ve been and I was letting it happen because I was watching it- it was always some ministry dinner, a family dinner, a ball to attend or your parents to visit or going for shopping together and deciding upon which colour of couch matched best with our walls- I thought when I’d be in a relationship, all of this would make me happy but I would see you happily choosing colours of Couch and all I could ever think of was what was the colour of the wall and it was all Because I was lost. I was merely existing- that’s all I was doing. I was only breathing without my heart beating in my chest, do you know what I mean ?” Harry stopped himself again and he watched as Draco had sat down on the arm of the chair Harry was sitting on gazing into the burning fireplace in almost a shock.

“ you never tried to overwhelm me but I just wasn’t there Draco, it was only you in the relationship or at least what I thought and that day when I left it finally clicked to me, that it was just you there and not me and I didn’t want you to figure it out one day, so I left before it was too late. I blamed our relationship a lot for the reason for moving away but in reality, I was the reason I moved because I wasn’t even here, I was nowhere ”

“ I- I never knew- any of it ” Draco stammered almost turning to Harry, only he thought he was but he was just staring at the fireplace.

“ How could you have known, I didn’t even know it myself o-or maybe I did all the time but-”

“ ignored it ?”

Harry nodded.

They remained silent again as if they were allowing the weight of the words to settle down but the words still pinched like they did the first time.

“ I never knew I was imposing our relationship on you,” Draco said after a while, his voice low.

Harry shook his head immediately “ you were not- you were just being you and I- I was just lost ”

“ why didn’t you tell all of this before ?”

“ because I didn’t know- or- I just wasn’t ready to know- I don’t know ” Harry frowned staring at the fireplace too then turning to see Draco.

“ it was fast for me. Everything- and I don’t blame you but it was what it was ”

“ you could’ve said so. All you had to do was tell me, Harry, I would’ve understood you, We lost an entire year- what we could’ve been ” Draco turned to Harry but In silence, he found the answer, he didn’t want to hurt Draco or he thought he was protecting him from getting hurt but in the end, it had turned into a Blunder nobody Could’ve been saved from. The truth was that even if Harry had known this a year ago and he would’ve said anything the time when they were together, the words would’ve turned into a wall of said things and never acted upon and maybe Harry always knew that and now so did Draco.

“ I don’t know if I would’ve said anything it would’ve changed anything,” Harry said and it made sense. It made a lot of sense.

“ It seemed like the right thing to do ” Draco spoke his mind and Harry nodded again.

It felt like the right thing to do.

“ didn’t you ever wonder-”

“ a lot ” harry Chuckled cutting him off “ never bought me any peace. I never wanted to settle in Paris. It was supposed to be a little solo trip I wanted to take time and figure things out and come back to you but I started liking it a little bit. I started feeling like I had something of my own after all like I could have a life of my own and I stayed ”

Draco understandably nodded, his anger, his sadness, his confusion everything melted like butter and all he kept wondering was how didn’t he see all of it after all wasn’t that what his life used to be like. Just a mere survival before Harry even came along. Had he been so oblivious that he didn’t see the man he loved turning into a man he used to be, how could he have missed the signs? Was he so happy in his life, so stable, so well that he didn’t wait to put a thought on how his boyfriend was doing? When was even the last time when they were together he had even asked Harry how he was doing? Did he ever even ask? 

“ did it ever feel like home ?”

Harry thought for a moment before he shook his head “ home is where my heart is, only I don’t know where my heart is, some of it is with you, some with the Weasley’s, some with who had died, some with Thomas back in Paris. A little everywhere, so I don’t know where my home is, maybe it’s with everyone, a little but it exists, just somewhere with everyone ”

They finally smiled facing each other. This was the moment Harry felt something that didn’t feel lost. He didn’t feel like being the perfect man but fell in love with the man who was defying the standards of the perfect man and willing to continue to be imperfect, just the way he was.

“ Home is where my heart is,” Draco said after a while as if he was adding to Harry's monologue or replying to him where his heart was. 

“ and where is that ?” Harry asked bemused

“ by the river sìene I guess- that carousel, that Eiffel tower, that restaurant, your place in Paris, in the plant I pot, but it’s here too, right here- so maybe it’s with you” a pause “ maybe that’s why I keep running back to you even when you leave me- because I’m scared to be alone” Draco frowned by the end.

Harry took his hand and intertwined their fingers in the most natural fitting way because this always felt meant to be and not strange, no matter what their labels were, it always felt natural because maybe what they had, had always been more than just an existence in matters but something very much alive. Harry could always say he felt lost in the time when they were together but when he held Draco’s hands or he intertwined their fingers together or leaned his head on his arm, he knew this was natural because in whatever life they were living right now or in whatever other realities or times they’ve lived in, they’ve always been supposed to be together because them being together seemed the most natural thing ever. 

He leaned his head on his arm and whispered “ I’m scared too, I’m always scared ” 

Draco leaned his head down a little so the top of their heads was pressed together so they knew they were together like they always had been but they always had been apart too. 

That night when they remained sitting there on the armchair for the longest time, they thought individually of all the words left unspoken, of all, they could’ve been but had been so afraid of the reality washing over. They had been so scared to be alone, both of them that they never thought they could survive without the other until they had and they realized they could live without another but it was just simply that they didn’t want to, they wanted to be able to breathe next to another as if sharing the same air was the reason for their survival but it wasn’t. They had lived in different cities, didn’t see each other for a year and more, and realized they could live without another but that was the difference wasn’t it, in wanting to live without another and actually living without another. When they were together maybe everything had been a mere escape for both of them or perhaps they enjoyed the relationship but it was no lie that both of them had been doing nothing but playing the part, even Draco himself, too was playing the part of being the perfect boyfriend, curating a perfect relationship, doing everything as it should’ve been done, Date for 2 years, then move in together, visit parents with boyfriend, go the boyfriends family house, go on family trips, making a public appearance as a couple, do everything as it had been written without even wondering if that was actually what they both wanted. It was then when they stared longingly at the burning fire in the fireplace that the two of them realized that they had been nothing but strange pieces of puzzle cut in shape by a child to fit together even when they didn’t belong to the puzzle, but they were the pieces of a puzzle, just not the one they were put in.

_________________________________

Harry walked to the station with their hand intertwined and ushering about the next weekend plan where Draco would visit Harry and the next perhaps Harry would visit if he felt like it.

” you scared ?“

Harry nodded ” always"

Draco smiled at him and placed a soft kiss on Harry’s cheek in a tender touch “ we’ll begin again when it’s time ”

“ when it’s time ”

“ One ticket to Paris, “ Harry said. 

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Da capo - part 6

Trail post part 1 to 5

Ritenuto (Italian: ‘held back’)

Keep reading

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me (reminder for you to smile more often)

Did the moon give you it's shine because you make me smile ?!

7 Stages of falling in love with Draco malfoy

1. Its in the ways he walks past you with his white shirt neatly tucked in with a soft blue half sweater, his collars out with a soft pearl necklace giving him a soft touch of summer and winter and autumn all at the same time, like he’s a walking season only you don’t know which. The way his face shines softly in the basking sun but the power he hold as he walk past with his shoes clinking against the ground that everyone would themselves make a room for him to walk past. How can someone so beautiful like a flower hold so much power, but then again he’s not just anybody, he’s “ The Draco Lucius Malfoy “ 

2. Its in the ways that he sneaked glances at Harry between classes that would make him lose his balance and almost fall off the chair. And it was in the ways that he’d meet Harry outside classroom in a secret hallway where no one passed by and softly kiss behind Harry’s ear muttering a have a nice day before they’d walk away again as if nothing ever happened. 

3. The look on his face that harry wishes he could live forever with when they’d sit for the bonfire night in the outside garden with someone playing a soft instrumental and Draco would allow himself to flow in the tune and hum along the song if he knew it. It was then when he wasn’t as powerful as he was in the day, he was soft, he was beautiful, he was gorgeous, he was pretty, he was breathtaking, he was everything and it would make Harry wonder how did he get this lucky to kiss that smile in the night before they walked to separate room or when they’d sneak in the morning to meet before class and they would mutter sweet things and kiss so softly. 

4. It was pure wonder when someone as powerful like him would walk to Harry with slumped shoulders and a fake smile plastered as he’d walk by people but would immediately vanish when Harry would open his arms and he’d just crumble in his touch, like he melted right there and then like, ice on heat, all his coldness, his power, his stealth lost in a soft whimpers wishing he had a better day or wishing that it was all just a little bit easier. It was then when Harry would love him the dearest because there was no one who could be him, so strong yet so fragile. 

5. When Draco would fall asleep in Harry’s arm while creating their own constellations in the coldness of the night, snuggled deeply into Harry’s sweater he was wearing, it was then when Harry would hold onto him tightly, kiss his forehead, play with his hair for a while and wonder so many things about Draco and nothing at all at the same time and just admire him in his sleep and when Harry too would sleep in his arm, he would dream of a time when he would live in the same apartment making dishes together and wondering which frame looks better on which wall. It was the stage where he knew he loved Draco more than anyone else. 

6. The love that resonated in the abandoned hallways, forbidden forest, secret hallways, room of requirement when Draco would kiss Harry after having saving it up for the entire day, like when the heaven meets the sky or the sea meets the shore. The kiss would be seen by the walls and moans would be heard by them too but maybe one day there would live a tale where they’d say “ two boys kissed here and promised a forever “. It was Draco who would cardinally push Harry against the wall sharply because that was their paradise and if heaven didn’t accept them, hell probably will. 

7. The last stage of falling for Draco Malfoy was loving him more than breathing. Loving him till they made it to the vows and a small treehouse in the house they bought with a mailbox with their hand prints that said ‘Potter and Malfoys’, loving him till all the flour was used up in crazy food fight instead of making pancakes together, loving him till his breath gave out, loving him unconditionally. Loving Draco more than air itself. 

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