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𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝, 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐚𝐝

Fyodor doesn't love himself. And what do people do when they feel like that? They hope to find someone who can.

But Dostoevsky craves a very specific type of love, the one which paints a halo over his head. One that's bright enough to outshine all of his sins. He wants to be seen as savior. As a good person, despite the deeds he's committed.

So Fyodor rejects all the other types of “love” he's been offered. He wants only an Ideal one and nothing more.

Because let's be honest, even people who are deeply devoted to him (like Gogol) don't see Fyodor as a good person. “Decay of ages is pure evil, that's why I joined it”—that's a paraphrased quote from Nikolai. Yes, he admires Fyodor with all of his heart. But whatever morality is left in Gogol realizes that Fyodor is pretty messed up and the things that he's doing are bad. But of course, in Nikolai's case, that makes teaming up with Dostoy even more attractive.

The only, and I mean only, person who seemed to see Fyodor as a holy savor was Ivan Goncharov. And for that to happen, Dostoy literally had to drive an ice pick into his brain. A lobotomy was successful, so Ivan thought that Fyodor was a god-sent on a mission to save everyone. And ironically enough, Ivan was one of the few subordinates Fyodor didn't set up to directly dispose off afterward. He is in jail, but at the very least, Dostoy hasn't arranged his assassination personally. In a way, he spared Ivan. Maybe, because the later admired him so much, and saw Fyodor in the way he wanted: as someone holy.

Makes sense. No one in their sound mind sees Fyodor as an Ambassador of Heaven. They see him as a Devil.

And that doesn't seem to bother Dostoevsky. Despite all of his frantic desires to change humanity, to create a ripple effect, to derail the course of history… He doesn't seem to give a single damn about what people think about him.

Who fulfills Fyodor's need to be valued for his intelect, his skills? Who helps him to stay on track, when no one notices his effort to make the world a “better place”?

Well, Fyodor has someone who reciprocates these desires. Someone, who sees him as a good person, striving to make a change. That entity is a God whose presence Fyodor senses in his head.

The God, as Dostoevsky envisions him as, is the only one who's able to see the goodness in his being.

Through the God's eyes Fyodor observes himself to find a meaning in his reality.

This why Fyodor so desperately insists that he's the only one who can understand and fulfil the God's will.

Because, without God, his only source of approval and validation is gone.

Just think about it. What if the one who kills Fyodor is an insect.

WHAT. IF. FYODOR. GETS. TAKING OUT… BY AN INFECTED MOSQUITO 🦟? (they transfer many diseases)

MOSQUITO FYODOR.

He goes Zzz for the crimes you did. You can't hide from him. No one's safe anymore. A true menace to the world.

Do you think ill be famous one day or at least well known???

There is always a chance, that you will ✨✨ I'm sure, with time, you'll find people who admire your content a lot. Just, pls, always put your health first and don't push yourself to create stuff when you're sick or tired 🕊️

WHAT THE ACTUALLL FUCK GAMERS

why is fukuchi a fidget spinner?? ALSO I SWEAR TO GOD IF KUNIKIDA DIES I'M DROPPING THIS SHIT

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN ASAGIRI

𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗚𝗼𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗵𝗶𝗺

Fyodor isn't God. He can't be. He, himself, would absolutely detest an idea like that. Even if this thought came up in his head, he would immediately cast it away. Why?

Because Dostoevsky needs someone outside himself he can trust. Someone to whom he can reach out to and get reassurance, when he's confused, scared or hurt.

Fate didn't gift Fyodor loving parents or mentors. But he still longs to be protected, saved. Fyodor wants to believe that there is a Deity out there, who's looking out for him. Even if hundreds of humans want him dead, God will still include him in his plans.

Dostoevsky is painfully self-conscious of how not all-powerful he is. His body has a weak anemic complexion he himself sees as a disadvantage. Fyodor's probably been put through a lot of agonizing pain and pushed to his limits. That's why he is so aware of each of his human weaknesses, whether mental or physical.

Even Fyodor's intellect, the one and only thing he prides himself upon, isn't perfect. He can and does make mistakes. He has spent centuries on a goal that still only about to be fulfilled despite him doing nothing but chasing it.

And what happens when Dostoevsky can't do something? What happens when he messes up?

He turns to his Creator and says that it was a part of His plan. It's a trial. It's all included and aligned in God's mind. And if it's true, no pain or deaths were ever unnecessary. Dostoevsky just did everything as the God said. He can't blame himself.

Therefore, guilt can go away. Fyodor did nothing but follow God's plan. He shouldn't feel any regret.

The person I reblogged this from deserves happiness and love