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𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢 𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧: 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐞𝐬, 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐬

You know how cats can purr, when they enjoy stuff, but also when they need to sooth their physical suffering? Well, Gogol is the same with smiles. The more pain Nikolai feels, the more “smiley” he gets, until the agony becomes too unbearable and he breaks.

Maybe, Gogol has some subconscious belief that if he keeps smiling, things will turn out to be alright? Or, perhaps, he doesn't want to give another person the satisfaction of seeing his anguish. It all comes down to Nikolai wanting to prove to himself that he can enjoy anything, any kind of pain. That nothing is impossible for him.

Gogol even smiled after hearing that Dostoevsky was going to kill him. The only time he couldn't do it anymore was when he thought Fyodor was gone. It was the only instance, when Nikolai forgot how to do anything: move, laugh, speak or breath.

The mask of a clown was gone and there was nothing underneath, but a frightened kid, watching his friend being killed.

𝐆𝐨𝐠𝐨𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Nikolai had put so much effort into creating his monstrous façade. All the jesting, laughing, toying with the pain of others. He tried so hard to look like a “monstrous person with nothing inside”. But in the end he didn't want to be remembered as such.

Gogol still wanted to let the world know that he wasn't a monster. During his makeshift penance to Atsushi he tried to humanize himself by telling about the guilt and remorse he felt. Nikolai even confessed to the Agency that he admired the justice they fought for. He said: the light they emitted drawn him in.

Nikolai couldn't allow himself to be viewed as just another criminal. He wanted to be remembered. He wanted to make people care.

For that, Gogol gauged out his soul and presented it to the audience.

He wanted to be seen, even at the very last moment.

𝗙𝘆𝗼𝗱𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗡𝗶𝗸𝗼𝗹𝗮𝗶: 𝘁𝘄𝗼 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 𝗱𝘆𝘀𝗳𝘂𝗻𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗱𝗿𝗮𝘄𝗻 𝘁𝗼 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿

Fyodor can't function without God the same way Nikolai can't function without freedom.

Their personalities are so off-balanced and incompatible with reality, they need something outside of it to feel whole.

Eventually, their immense need to rely on Freedom/God distorts the very source of their comfort.

Freedom gets bloody, and God becomes hungry for the sacrifice.

But it isn't that freedom or God have fundamentally changed. What changed were their brains of those perceiving them and their motivations.

Gogol and Dostoevsky needed an ideal that would inspire them to live, no matter how disappointed they are with their own existence.

Both Clown and Demon also looked for a justification, a place onto which they could project their hidden pain, without directly interacting with it.

Fyodor and Nikolai were pretty angry at what happened to them in the past. Whatever it was, it hurt. And still does.

But neither Dostoevsky, not Gogol can't acknowledge that. If they would ever do so, these two would have to admit: they still care about people and the way people treat them.

So each of the duo says that they're hurting others, not for the personal gain or out of a desperate attempt to feel better. No, they're doing for the ideal: be it “Freedom” or the “God”.

It allows both Fyodor and Nikolai to keep lashing out, while keeping their self-images intact.

They keep saying to themselves: “I hurt others because of how inhuman I am”. While in reality the opposite is accurate.

They both became criminals because of their humanity, albeit flawed one.

Of course, Gogol's idea of freedom is almost broken or at least showing cracks. But Dostoevsky's obsession with God's is as strong as ever.

It'll only grow stronger, the closer Fyodor gets to the end of his goal.

Dostoevsky rushes towards it with all of his might because despite all his prayers and hopes, living with his version of God is still unbearable.

It kinda hurts.

And he wants it to stop.

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This is so beautiful 😭 The way you describe Fyodor's wounds, and how they bleed into his severe trust issues. Dostoevsky's self-isolation is so painful that God becomes his only remedy.

It made me think even more about how bonds are important in the BSD world. It's always a huge risk, but high reward. Dazai and Sigma relationships are a perfect example of this.

𝐅𝐲𝐨𝐝𝐨𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐟𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐁𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠

Fyodor can still feel things, no matter how much he tries to hide it. We know where he channels his negative emotions (to sinners). But where do the positive ones go? Well, he dedicates them to God.

God is a time capsule for all the positive feelings that are still left inside Fyodor. They're too vulnerable, too tender, too childish to share them with humans. People will only trample over them and leave him empty.

But Dostoevsky still can't part with his sentiments. They give his heart a little jolt so it can keep living a little longer. So where can he direct them?

God is left as his only safe space for that.

Fyodor treats the concept of God like a coffer, where he can store his dreams from the earlier days. All of his hopes, aspirations, fantasies are better be locked inside the God's chest. Since God is the only one occupying Fyodor's brain, he'll keep them safe.

Devine being became a target for Fyodor's affection because He can't reject or hurt Dostoevsky in any meaningful way. It's left up to Fyodor's mind to imagine God as he likes. And so he does it.

God becomes not only a symbol to thrive for, but also a companion that helps him to cope with the loneliness.

God accepts all the Fyodor's needs humanity haven't fulfilled. His agonizing idealism, his need for deep understanding of his soul and a connection that makes him feel at home.

Surely, during the centuries of Fyodor's life, he came close to forming a bond with people at least a few times. But the process of separation was so painful, Dostoy decided it wasn't worth it anyway.

His failure to organically morn the end of his relations led to his fatal inability to reattach once again. Fyodor mistrusts new people in his life: he compartmentalizes them, puts on labels, and tries to keep every interaction under control.

The only one who can relate to this mindset is Bram, but even he is able to break away from it because of Aya. Stoker risks taking interest in the girl and then sacrifices his life for her. Now Bram's time is no longer frozen in place, he's moving forward, his character progresses.

But Fyodor is too overwhelmed with his feelings and memories that have never healed. He probably thinks that even a small bit of a emotional pain will break him entirely. So even if someone comes to Dostoevsky, waving a friendship flag in the air, Fyodor will shut down to keep them away.

This is what happened with Gogol. Nikolai wanted to be friends with Fyodor. But Dostoy never showed him any of his deeper emotions. By hiding all personal information, Dos-kun maintained a distance between himself and a jester. So the later couldn't reach out to and comfort Fyodor even if he wanted.

Of course, there is always a chance that Gogol would use Dostoevsky's feelings against him. And Fyodor also probably thought about that, so he cut off that option entirely. Sadly, we'd never see where their connection could lead, if Dostoevsky chose to share with Nikolai his everything. Maybe, it would lead to an even bigger disaster, but perhaps they would be able to find some solace in each other.

Now Fyodor is too hurt to open up his soul. All the scars on it had fused into an armor, protecting him from caring about others. Dostoevsky's soul became a shell, impenetrable from the outside. He made sure it would never change. His fortress. His prison. His mind.

Trapped inside of it, Dostoevsky still craved for someone to be there for him. Fyodor wanted a friend with whom he could converse without lying. He wanted a family. Maybe, he even wanted a lover.

Therefore, God was cast in all the roles that had been left vacant in Fyodor's life. And of course, Devine Being could fulfill them better than anyone. At least, from the Dostoy's perspective, his life was easier this way.

In Fyodor's story, God is a star of every relationship he still has.

God is almost like a friend, but he won't argue back or abandon him in pain. He won't make Fyodor feel inadequate by disagreeing with his perspective.

God is like a family, but he loves Fyodor unconditionally or at least His “conditions” are kinder than human ones. They're much more bearable than the rules Dostoevsky had to abide by when he was a child.

God is like a lover, but his love isn't physically “sinful” (whatever sexuality Fyodor has, it's very morphed and repressed). Devine being won't be put off by Fyodor's appearance and won't leave once He sees who Fyodor truly is.

God is like a teacher, but he doesn't have a hidden agenda and actually wants Fyodor to be better. God knows indefinitely more than Fyodor, so He can always share something new from His well of knowledge.

And of course, God will never change, die or choose someone else. He is always there.

It feels safe for Fyodor to love and admire someone who is so perfect.

And well, God can't disappoint.

𝐃𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐞𝐯𝐬𝐤𝐲 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐬𝐨 𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐆𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭

Fyodor can't love himself through his POV. He can't tolerate his mind from his own perspective. Dostoevsky resents his being, his soul, and thoughts. They're tainted by Fyodor's self-judgement, disappointment in his results, unattainable standards, other inner struggles.

But then he imagines God, it's different. Fyodor takes a look into His higher mind through prayer, and sees light and warmth directed at humanity. That makes Dostoevsky want to be a part of it again.

Not in the present, though, where people are sinful and cruel. In the future. Fyodor will join the renewed, renovated humanity, freed from abilities, living joyfully in heaven. They'll all be loved by God, by each other and even by themselves. Forever. He wants to believe in that.