I Want A Cease And Desist/ For MYSELF To Cease To Exist/ You Can Tell I Hate Myself Just By The Scars

I want a cease and desist/ for MYSELF to cease to exist/ you can tell I hate myself just by the scars on my wrist/ they're laden slit after slit scar tissue crispity crisp/ I know its vulgar even I despise the words from my lips /sorry but when at my lowest self hate is what seems to showeth/ an entity that is myself/ God I wish I didn't know it.

My being is infuriatingly perplexing! In it, the will to live, love, laugh, be healthy and thrive exists. Yet, a darkness that lives amongst this very being persists to see my demise DAILY!

I have stumbled into what I would best describe as a psychogenic liminal space.

Yo like lately, I'm really not enjoying life like I'm just going about the motions just so I won't seem dramatic to others. But I truly am struggling right now in my head and it seems as if, not physically, but in my mind I'm watching everyone's life go by perfectly in a sense. I mean I know everybody goes through ups and downs and nothing is perfect but at least people are living it. I'm absolutely not living it. It's like I've stalemated I won't go anywhere I don't want to achieve anything because I've hit some sort of rock bottom or a brick wall of sorts. I keep having these in-depth thoughts of my mortality, like visually seeing my demise and it happens over and over sometimes and I have to distract myself. S*** is getting rough, and the thing about it it's all in my head nobody's Fallen ill nothing bad has happened it's all in my head where everything is going wrong and I'm seeing people aged right before my eyes. it's some sort of very Vivid fly-on-the-wall experience I'm having of my life where I've been hit with a mental stun gun and I can't proceed. it even happened so badly at times that I see the process of me killing myself and my family moving on, because if I do, if I do fall victim to my mental struggle, they will move on because life has to go on but I know there will be a period of pain and grief and then after that things will be normal again; a normal where I don't exist. But I see this process visually and vividly in my head constantly and it's frightened me to a point where I'm no longer frightened by it in a sense. I tell you though this is no way to live. Like I've said before, what is life with the absence of joy? Now, I know some people think that it is impossible to be completely without Joy, and I agree, as I have had rich happy cherishable moments with my family on many occasions. But for the amount of mental stress, for me, joy was that kid who skipped class all the time and basically was never there. When Joy was there, it was very short-lived. especially lately and just like the past pockets of depression throughout my life, I'm finding this one long and unbearable if not worse, as the depressive bouts have seemed to increase in intensity as I grow. My cousins recently had their birthdays within the past 2 weeks this month of April. And I missed those birthdays because I would rather them not deal with my, what I believe to be, negative presence. I don't know if they think that way about me but I feel like I am a heavy energy to deal with at times. me missing my cousin's birthdays felt the worst and my birthday is coming up soon and I don't expect any Praises for it. I'm dealing with a lot of self-hate on the inside and I don't expect anyone to wish me a happy birthday. I love my mother and I'm thankful for my life I truly am, but in a way I regret being alive. I feel like it was a very strong fight as a premature child and everyone who helped me through it and I am forever grateful and thankful for them for helping me through it. But there is a great part of me that I want to die forever. but that part of me is Within Myself and it has been around for a long time these two decades.

Heavy stress/ daily dealin wit a lot of it/ so tired of it/ I wanna fling that shit like hippopotamuses

So sorry to my family for me ghosting y'all/ I swear to God it isn't my #1 choice at all/ Not really a conscious choice it just happens and I disappear/ for days then days turn into months/ months turn into years/ ..I'd rather be around all the time ok now that's wassup up/ but y'all shouldn't have to hear it whenever my mind erupts/ whether meltdown or rage fit/ I wanna keep y'all away from it/ y'all my people and I love y'all/ I just wanna to keep you safe from it...

Negativity is contagious. I kinda have peace knowing my family don't have to be around my uneasy mind even though I miss them at the same time. Its a tough spot to sit in. Kinda like you are playing tug of war with ya self nonstop. It's exhausting. More than anyone probably will ever know.