I'm Running Out Of Options To Forget My Desire To End My Life.

I'm running out of options to forget my desire to end my life.

That thought is present every day, it makes me remember that I have not achieved anything and probably never will.

I really try to look normal, chill, and happy; some days I feel "normal," but today I was really anxious, and I can't act normal; I do not speak; I cannot see people in the eye; I felt like I was dying (with my close family that I see every week).... I feel horrible with strangers, classmates, young people, older people, kids, teachers, and good-looking people. My family tells me when we are at the mall that I am antipatic, but in my head I'm trying to not run and cry. I am not a good company because of my anxiety. They are normal extrovert people, so they don't understand. They have a life, partners, friends, jobs, experiences; a life basically. This makes me cry and think I don't have anything; no dumb college experiences; parties, being drunk, a boyfriend, friends, going out every weekend. I am just existing, and I am in my mid-twenties. My anxiety and depression are so strong that people can see it, and honestly, I think about killing myself every night. The pills do not help. I am smart, but I cannot do my best in college because I can't speak, do presentations every day, or be in a group with my classmates in a normal way, but I am going to finish no matter how many nights I cry.

I would like to thank my awkward self for being inspiration for me to make this

it got cold around me

(artist unknown)

My mental illness makes me so childish. Like I feel mentally behind people my age. I want to feel like a woman and not a scared little girl.