I've Asked My Guardian Angel

I've asked my guardian angel

to free me of all ties

And show me that side of the world

where heartless humans reside.

So I could be one of them

and be a loner soul

And play this game of earth

of treachery, cheat and foul.

He asked me, if I was

already tired of it all

Who knows if I still hadn't

experienced my worst fall.

Who knows if life has in store

For me, a deeper abyss

I have a long life ahead

so much more to live, than this.

I cried all tattered and broken

Can't do this anymore!

Have myself served on a table

And allow all devils to devour.

He laughed out loud at my misery

Said i can't give up now

With my foremost breath intake

I'd survive- was the very first vow.

He suggested I slam my heart

onto the people, places and things

And let it wound a magic carpet

from all those attached strings.

If I'd save myself too much

I won't have much to live

Life ain't a book of receipts

It's how much you've got to give.

-Vanshika Singh, Slam my heart.

My biggest tragedy is that I never feel empty. Even when I am at the abyss of nothingness, I feel so much of it inside. I feel even when there is nothing to feel about. I feel my existence, my breaths, my beats, and all that explicit outer stuff that constitutes my surface. This feeling of hyper awareness, me knowing myself like we know A-B-C, me self condemning myself at the smallest of misbehavior, me beating myself up for every mistake.

Often, we complain people are conceited and do not accept their bad deeds. I think that is the obliviousness I want to feel some days. The art of only embracing my good side and being in denial that the bad even exists. That is how people live. That is how people save themselves.

And I have been dying everyday, every moment, and every single second.

-An excerpt from the autobiography I will never write, Vanshika.

I do not have the capacity to end a conversation on a bad note. I just do not have the guts to do so. I cannot live in peace knowing something or somewhere my words would have hurt the other person, and still live on like nothing ever happened. I'd apologize, make the situation funny or worse admit it was all me, even when it was not.

At times I feel I fail as a human, because this is clearly a lack of strength in me. A strength to not feel guilty of hurting someone. But at times I admire myself, and want people to be as soft on me, as I am on them. But this is the world we are talking about. Nothing comes back the way it goes.

And the worst, I'd ever do to myself is to become the hard, I hate the world is. I'd rather viciously be killed, than delicately hurt someone.

-An excerpt from the autobiography I will never write, Vanshika.

I wish I were a cotton candy,

the world- an excited mouth.

So I'd necessarily leave a sweeter taste,

even when things go down south.

-Vanshika

She had a soft corner for me, because I heard everything she had to say. Even if at the end I protested about her thoughts and ended up arguing, she was glad of emptying herself before me. I always thought I was a good listener, but when she was no more in the reach of my hands, I realised something more. To say it all and be understood, may be a good feeling. But to listen it all and understand it, is a luxury. We unknowingly become a home for so many. And while it is a two sided exchange of finding home and being one, I think being a home is less miserable than trying to find one.

-V.S

I have realised the word 'rebellion' has not been used in the context it should be. Complaining, standing up against, anger, throwing a fit, ignorance, arrogance, violence have all been the ancient means of revolting. I believe true revolt starts when we start preserving ourselves against the world. To not let it have a part of us, and to not have a part of it. To stop consuming and to stop being consumed. A wine becomes fine, inside the barrel and not when it's spilled to be drunk as per the taste interest.

-V.S.