There Have Been Days When I've Felt Homesick At Home. Extremely Uncomfortable In My Skin, And Felt Myself

There have been days when I've felt homesick at home. Extremely uncomfortable in my skin, and felt myself burning in an air conditioned room. There have been days when I have adored a smile on my face, while my soul has danced inside. I have loved every breath intake, and appreciated the very type of my existence. I have had black days, and white days, like every normal human out there. And I have felt myself grow in the midpoint of the line, where the black has mixed into white. I have felt the chronological growth of my soul, and I have died the next moment. My life has been a thrilling adventure of contrasts. And within these adventures, I have lost myself and I have found myself, a little more than a million times. And all the predicament had led me into what I look in the mirror today. I am grateful.

I do not have the capacity to end a conversation on a bad note. I just do not have the guts to do so. I cannot live in peace knowing something or somewhere my words would have hurt the other person, and still live on like nothing ever happened. I'd apologize, make the situation funny or worse admit it was all me, even when it was not.

At times I feel I fail as a human, because this is clearly a lack of strength in me. A strength to not feel guilty of hurting someone. But at times I admire myself, and want people to be as soft on me, as I am on them. But this is the world we are talking about. Nothing comes back the way it goes.

And the worst, I'd ever do to myself is to become the hard, I hate the world is. I'd rather viciously be killed, than delicately hurt someone.

-An excerpt from the autobiography I will never write, Vanshika.

I've asked my guardian angel

to free me of all ties

And show me that side of the world

where heartless humans reside.

So I could be one of them

and be a loner soul

And play this game of earth

of treachery, cheat and foul.

He asked me, if I was

already tired of it all

Who knows if I still hadn't

experienced my worst fall.

Who knows if life has in store

For me, a deeper abyss

I have a long life ahead

so much more to live, than this.

I cried all tattered and broken

Can't do this anymore!

Have myself served on a table

And allow all devils to devour.

He laughed out loud at my misery

Said i can't give up now

With my foremost breath intake

I'd survive- was the very first vow.

He suggested I slam my heart

onto the people, places and things

And let it wound a magic carpet

from all those attached strings.

If I'd save myself too much

I won't have much to live

Life ain't a book of receipts

It's how much you've got to give.

-Vanshika Singh, Slam my heart.

Me: People say I am cruel, and that I should try to reach out to my inner child. The heart of the child inside me.

Also me: I would like to admit I have 3-4 hearts of children inside me.

Also also me: I like to collect them.

Also also also me: Kidnap is the correct word probably.

My bones were right.

Someone: So how many times do you pretend to be in a conversation, while completely zoning out about life?

Me: Yes.