Cishet Ace - Tumblr Posts

I don't want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend.

I want a boyfriend who will hug me every time we see each other, but it's those hugs that last for like 5 seconds. A boyfriend to sit on the couch with and read a book together, and I always have to flip back a page bc I read too fast and he reads too slow. A boyfriend who is willing to learn my native language, but specifically the cuss words. A boyfriend who holds my hand with intertwined fingers but his hand is kinda like in front of mine and he doesn't care my hands are always so fucking sweaty. A boyfriend who keeps his eyes only on my eyes despite me not looking into his bc I hate eye contact, but he doesn't mind that. A boyfriend who will help me diffuse the back of my hair, and he'll make sure the diffuser isn't too hot on my nape. A boyfriend who likes me for me and not for sex or kisses and he couldn't give two shits about me being ace and not wanting anything sexual because he loves me for me. A boyfriend who loves me completely and doesn't need me to be sexual because he doesn't see me this way and never will.

So yeah, I want a boyfriend and not a boyfriend. I want someone who will love me like I will love him. Not sexually, not completely romantically, but just two connected souls that feel too deeply for each other.

Is it too much to ask?

yk when you meet someone just so fucking angelic? like they don't need to say one word and you're already dazzled by them. you don't like them romantically or sexually, you just like them. you like their being and you're so thankful for their existence. with them, there's no sexuality or gender barrier, and I'm saying this bc this one person I'm talking abt is a girl.

I'm heteromantic with very few actual crushes on boys, but ever since the beginning of the school year, there's this girl.

she had this straight messy black hair and this nose that's so beautifully curved and this skin so damn perfect. she wears these baggy clothes and they fit her so well. she walks this specific way where her hands dangle by her sides and her backpack looks so fucking heavy. I have her in band, and she plays the clarinet across from me (i play flute). she's so great, and even when she messes up and you can only hear her breathing through the clarinet she sounds ethereal. there's this perfection to her, but it's not one that makes me insecure or makes me wanna be her. it's one that just makes me want to adore her, like a tall, beautiful Renaissance painting with so much information you stare at it for hours and you still can't comprehend everything going on.

after our first band concert, I walked past her car and saw her through the window. I waved, she waved back with this smile. after that, every time our eyes meet we smile at each other. I always keep smiling for a few more seconds after we've looked away. we never said anything to each other except 'sorry' when we run into each other. I just appreciate her so damn much, it's crazy because I don't know one thing about her expect that she likes Disney bc she has the coolest Disney shirts and that she's maybe Japanese because her name is so cool and every time we have a sub in band they always say her name wrong. they say my name wrong too.

I don't know why I feel like this towards her, but I'm sure it's not a crush bc I can't imagine me dating her or kissing her. what I indeed can picture is us maybe living as roommates, or meeting with a group of friends at a fast food restaurant. I've heard of friend crushes before, where you insanely want to befriend someone, and I think that might be the closest definition.

but not everything needs a definition, right?

I don't need to understand whatever tf it is I feel whenever I see that damn girl to know my feelings are just great to be felt. it's just so positive and awesome and comforting to feel like this, it's like her existence itself is pure warmth, and I know damn well that we know each other from past lives bc it's just too much reciprocated heavenly emotions that we silently exchange for each other.

and I damn well love. it.

yes I'm acespec and yes I get so damn happy when a guy asks for my number/says I'm cute bc it means I'm not the ugliest piece of shit this world has ever housed <3

"if you're like this, no man will ever want to date you."

say it louder so God can hear you pls