Cocsa Vent - Tumblr Posts

Im not okay rn. I just realised when I get back to school in 2 months I'll have to see my rapist again. We're in the same class and friend group...I'll just find a new friend group somehow

Tw: Mentions of COCSA, Sexual harassment, groomers, and similar things

Cw: vent/rant

It's strange how things that you felt just a little weird about when it happened turn out to be more serious than you thought once you get older. I'm not nearly as scarred as some of the people who went through similar things, but it's weird... I always thought I was one of the few exceptions.

Majority of afabs have been through sexual harassment and/or assault at some point. not me though.. not until I actually thought about it from a sensible point of view.

I wasn't aware that my classmates mocking me the way that did could be sexual harassment, despite how explicit it was.

I didn't understand that the "game" I had been peer pressured into playing as a 6-8 year old could be considered assault. We were both kids and my clothes were never breached but that doesn't make it any less disgusting or distressing. He's in prison now for other things. He has to serve multiple sentences in various prisons, all for unrelated things, but his odd behavior didn't stop at me. It didn't stop when we were kids. He tried to hook up with a 13 year old. The three of us are cousins. The two of us were 18-19. I almost had an incident before him, but I wasn't at the age that I would be afraid of losing a friend, so I told on the kid before it happened.

I had multiple run-ins with groomers online, and the only things stopping me from getting sucked further in were a deep hatred of my body, fear of being a registered sex offender if I ever sent them pictures, and a general fear of the pictures being leaked or my parents finding out and beating my ass. Once they figured out I wouldn't give them what they wanted, they usually left.

Even before I understood pedophilia, my parents allegedly noticed various times when random men on the street would approach me or look at me with a hunger in their eyes or just generally act suspicious near me.

And even outside of harassment and assault, there was still sex in my life far before it needed to be. My parents shouldn't have left their porn in the DVD player when they sent us to watch a movie in their room. They shouldn't have put the porn right next to the normal DVDs. Their 2-3 year old shouldn't have been able to terrorize his older siblings by playing porn when we were supposed to be watching a silly little fish movie.

I hate how normalized some of these things are. We need better education about these subjects. No one likes having suppressed memories and trauma. No one likes having these things happen to them. No one likes not being able to articulate their feelings to speak out about it. No one likes finally being hit with the fact that they probably have some sexual trauma at 2 am in their 20s. It shouldn't be hard to go through life without some fucking freak tainting my brain.

a rant by cas thats kinda ass :0

i think about killing you more than i should. i wonder if it would ease the pain and make it go away or maybe even bring back what im missing because what you took used to make me whole. 

but anything and everything could happen to you and it would never be enough. nothing will ever fill the void that you have created within me. i want you to suffer to be stripped away of everything that makes you, you.

i want everyone to see the monster for who you are and how you have left me with so many scars. i want you to feel exposed and unsafe just like how you made me feel in my own home, my own fucking room.

i want you to yell and cry, i want you to beg me to stop hurting you, i want you to feel everything that you have put me through. 

i dont mean to sound so fucking bitter and dark but you and the others took all the best parts of me so i think its right to return the fucking favor

i mean what else can i do when you’ve torn me to pieces and feasted on my remains. you’ve conquered every part of my body and i want you to feel the fucking same.

i think this is the worst depression episode i have had in a really long time

i ended up being triggered so bad yesterday and i cant stop reliving everything