Complain - Tumblr Posts
When I insist that I stay at home through self-delusion, my parents tell me to go to school. When I say that I can just take pills and go to school, they say I better stay at home.
And the Hammer Falls
The medicine's been lasting longer and longer - so much so that I can't tell when it wears off anymore. It really helps with the Cataplexy - During the day I'm not in risk of falling over or collapsing. I'm weak when waking, or when I'm getting a sleep attack, but I don't collapse. I HAVE been noticing that I start to shake - a very fine tremor through my limbs - when the cataplexy would otherwise be seeing me stumbling or collapsing.
So, whether because of the week of overcast skies or because it just felt like it, yesterday I was shaking all day. I don't think I slept well, even during my nap, and I was very tired, with a hint of depression. But, it was Friday night D&D, and especially when you're depressed you need to go out and hang with friends. I donned my bright yellow dress, put on some make up, and headed out.
The session went very well - full of laughter, innuendos, and demon slaying. It was the final battle, and the majority of the party survived! Laughter and sexual arousal are my two greatest triggers, however, and during the final boss battle I collapsed on the table, laughing. No one seemed to notice, and that's not really unusual for me, but then trying to put my dice away felt like I was trying to run through water - SLEEP PARALYSIS, not cataplexy. My entire body felt SO weak, like I was just skin and bones, and everyone was putting the table and chairs away - I felt like I was in the way. I don't like feeling that way around other people, and I really don't like admitting when I do.
Eventually, everything was put away and we all gathered around, still talking. Several times, because of the laughter, my knees gave out and I crouched on the floor. The DM (Dungeon Master, the one running the campaign) asked me several times if I was OK, and seemed concerned otherwise, but I explained that it was just the cataplexy. Emotionally, however... if I didn't have my medicine in me, those "crouches" would have probably seen me completely limp and unresponsive.
Walking to my car, through a dark alleyway and into a shady lot, I knew that if anyone were to try and attack me I would be helpless. DM was walking with me, because he's AWESOME, so I felt safe, but the knowledge that I couldn't defend myself... it's terrifying. I've taken classes on self-defense, I have a kubaton on my key chain (a long metal rod for jabbing in attacker's eyes and windpipe), I've always been strong, and I have so much anger that sometimes I think it would feel good to have an excuse to just wail on someone. But last night, none of that mattered, because my body decided that it was going to be weak.
I know I have to focus on the things that I CAN do. I'm a great writer, I KNOW science and biology, I can geek out with the best of them. But every so often there's a nasty little reminder of what I CAN'T do anymore. I can't go to Grad school full time, I can't work full time, I'll never be a professor, or get a doctorate like I dreamed when I was younger. That's what hurts the most, not the exhaustion, not the headaches, not the side effects of the medicine or knowledge that my body can just give out at any time, but the fact that I have to give up on my dreams. My ambition will remain unfulfilled, because my brain can't regulate sleep. And that's all there is to it.
I learned a long time ago, though, that if it wasn't one thing, it was going to be another. I've survived before, I'll find a new dream to pursue. And, really, thinking about it, all the greatest scientists made their findings, not through universities or as professors, but as unaffiliated individuals. They had professions in subjects completely unrelated to their discovery. Can I still read? Yes. Can I still write? Possibly better than before. Can I still think? Again, when am I not? It's just a matter of time before I do something amazing, and I need to keep reminding myself of that fact.
A brief realization that I can't fucking work without paying taxes that would be used to invade my country.
I honestly want to make this into a headcanons or fanfic account lmao but I know I can’t because I’ll be too lazy to ever post. Right now, I don’t even have time anyway but I’m making this stupid post to complain, damnit I hate my life decisions. :’)
Back. Big ouch. Hips. Big ouch. All rest of joints in body especially hands. Big fucking ouch.
Big. Ouch.
Big ouch. Today.