Cyanide And Happiness - Tumblr Posts
I love apples, I really REALLY love apples, I'm a Ryuk level apple lover, so when I discover that apple cores (just the seeds really) have cyanide what do I do? I search how many I would need to it to kill myself, the answer is at least 40 apples.
The limit is 39.
(Kindergarten)
Bleiss: Hey, teach. Get the Molasses out of your ass and bring me that juice, will ya? You one mile an hour, walking, no-running ass, feet draggin' turtle, son of a bitch!
Port: Now, Bleiss, you can't go your entire life insulting people like that.
Bleiss: The hell I can, you bitch-ass, toupee wearin', fisheye'd, two year college degree earnin', no wife and kids havin', mustard stain on his shirt, kindergarten teachin' ass-
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(Graduation)
Bleiss: Diploma handin', dress wearin', funny hat-ass-
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(To Mirror)
Bleiss: First generation of your family to get into Beacon-ass-
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(Watching Jaune Get a Coffee)
Bleiss: Love at first sight ass, three sugars, two creams in a coffee-
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(First Date)
Bleiss: First date having, romantically compatible-ass, adorable man, hung like a-
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(Jaune Proposes)
Bleiss: Making me the happiest woman in the world ass-
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(Wedding Vows)
Bleiss: Love of my life-ass, til death do us part, I do, vow n'ring wearin'-
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(Pregnant)
Bleiss: Tiny embryonic-ass, no finger prints havin', third trimester, son of a-
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(To First-Born)
Bleiss: Beautiful ass, umbilical cord cuttin', little dick havin'-
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(Father & Son Playing Catch)
Bleiss: Bitch-ass, no baseball catchin'-
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(Son's Graduation)
Bleiss: Summa cumme laude, straight A's, makin' me proud-ass-
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(College Visit)
Bleiss: Cats in the cradle ass-
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(Grandchild)
Bleiss: First grandchild-ass, life begets life-ass, diaper full of shit stinkin'-
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(Final Moments)
Bleiss: Touchin' ass, surrounded by loved ones ass, wouldn't change a goddamn thing, makin' me cry-ass, mother fucking ready for death-ass... Me... shiiiit...
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(Years later)
Before her grave, Bleiss' grandchild looks upon their beloved grandmother's final resting place. Suddenly, an incredibly decrepit old man walks up to their side.
Port: Wow, I can't believe she actually did it. She was rude her whole life.
Grandchild: You knew my grandma?
Port: *Sighs as he pulls out the juice box she demanded from him all those years ago* She called me a bitch... *Empties out juice onto grave*
Grandchild: *Looks at Port perturbed before walking away* Weird, senile-ass, prune juice drinkin'-ass, mustard stain on his shirt...
Gravedigger: Grave's all ready sir.
Port: Great! *Falls back into grave*
Jaune: You know, you guys didn’t have to bring me along on your honeymoon.
Nora: Aw, it was no issue Jaune. Right Ren? *Holds onto Rens arm*
Ren: Of course. Afterall, it was the least we could do after forgetting your birthday.
Jaune: It wasn’t that bad. Besides, you guys were busy preparing for your wedding, so it wasn’t your faults you forgot.
Nora: Either way, we thought you could enjoy the sights while we did some... newlywed activities. *Giggles like a child, still excited from their recent union*
Jaune: *Chuckles at Nora as he sets down their bags* Well, I guess all I can say is thanks. I’m gonna go grab the last of the luggage. You two just kick back and relax, alright?
Ren: Much appreciated Jaune. *Nods as he and his wife hold one another close, about to close in for a kiss*
Jaune: *Before leaving, he remembers something and pulls out an odd envelope from his pocket* Oh yeah, Ren, I almost forgot, this came in the mail before we left.
Ren: *Raises an eyebrow as he takes the envelope, opening its contents right as Jaune leaves the room*
Nora: Ooh~ That must be our marriage license.
Ren: Nora, this isn’t a marriage license. It’s a... restraining order?
Nora: *Shocked* Oh nuts! I was in such a rush I just grabbed the first form I saw and filled us both in.
Ren: It says we can’t be within... 25 yards of one another.
Nora: But 25 backyards is like... A lot! We got to get this fixed right away!
Ren: Nora, we need to file this to court if we wanna cancel it. And that may take a few days.
Nora: But... Our honeymoon. If we leave, we can’t enjoy it here. We’ve been looking forward to this for months.
Ren: I’m sorry, but unless we wanna risk breaking the law... again, there’s not really any other option.
Nora: No! I refuse! There’s gotta be something we can do to at least enjoy our honeymoon here, without getting in trouble, and until we can get this restraining order sorted out.
Jaune: *Kicks door open before coming in the rest of the luggage* Whew! Got the rest of the luggage guys! Anything else you two need before I head out?
Nora: ...
Ren: ...
RN: *Nod at one another*
Nora: Oh Jauney~ Do you think you could do us a big, BIG, favor?
Jaune: 🤨 ?
(Morning)
Nora: *Eating a nice stack of chocolate chip pancakes*
Jaune: *Pops in with a bouquet of pink lotus flowers*
Nora: *Smiles as she takes them, waving outside the window to Ren, whom is currently doing some yoga*
(Afternoon)
Ren: *Driving a jet ski through ocean*
Nora: *Laughs joyously as her and Jaune water ski, her sitting atop his shoulders*
Jaune: *In absolute agony, trying his best to keep his balance, hold up Nora, and not vomit from the speed they were going*
(Evening)
Ren: *Ballroom dances with Jaune before releasing him with a spin*
Jaune: *Miraculously maintains his spin as he elegantly makes his way to Nora*
Nora: *Catches him before dropping him down onto the floor in an attempt to dip him*
(Night)
We see Jaune in bed with someone, sweat dripping down his body as he thrusts wildly into them from above. The creaking sound of the bedframe could be heard 5 rooms over, the frame threatening to fall apart with each thrust, as well as the feminine wails of pleasure from his partner. This stops, as with one last push, the two let out loud sensual moan as they climax together, Jaune grinding himself as deep as he could as he filled them to the brim. Sliding himself out, Jaune moves over to the side of the bed, catching his breath before grabbing and pulling up his pants.
Jaune: So... Like that?
Ren: *Pants in exhaustion as he sits himself up* Yes... Just like that. Nora will love it. So don’t keep her waiting.
Jaune: *Sighs* Hope my aura’s ready this. *Stands up and cracks his back before rushing off to go break out Nora’s*
Ren could hear his footsteps as Jaune made his way over to the guestroom, where Nora had been patiently waiting. The rooms here had such thin walls, he wouldn’t be surprised if Nora had heard every bit of him and Jaunes passionate fornication. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if that only aroused her more.
Nora: Took ya long enough! Now come to mama fearless leader~
Ren lets out a small smile as he hears Jaune and Nora quickly begin their own bout of sexual intercourse, sounding just as wild and passionate as his own, if not more so. A yawn escaping his mouth, Ren decides it’s time to get some shut eye, excited to see what the next day brought them. Afterall...
That was just the first day of their honeymoon.
(2 Weeks Later)
RWBY: *Waiting by the bullheads to greet the newlyweds once they returned*
Ruby: *Eye widened as her friends came into view* Hey, there they are!
Yang: It’s about time. *Squints her eyes in confusion* Wait, why are those two standing so far apart from one another?
Blake: *Shrugs* Beats me. Looks like they enjoyed their time though.
Yang: *Smirks* How much you wanna bet it’s because they spent most of it breaking in their bed?
Weiss: Do you have to make everything so vulgar Yang?
Yang: Jeez Weissy, it’s just a joke. No need to be such a pru... Is Vomit Boy ok?
Blake: He looks like he’s been drained of every ounce of vitality he had.
Ruby: You think Ren and Nora had him do a lot of work for them?
Before they could continue, they watch as Jaune collapses onto the ground. The team quickly rushes over to their friend, wondering if he was alright. They come across Ren and Nora, having not moved to check on their leader for some reason, instead lower their heads in grief for their fallen teammate.
Ren: He was a good man.
Nora: *A tear fall down her cheek* And virile lover.
Ren: ... Yes.
RWBY: *Looks at the two in confusion, no clue as to what was even happening... that is until one of them happened to remember something*
Yang: ... Wait. Does this have something to do with joke restraining order I sent you?
Yang: Hey Jaune? This bra isn't mine... What's going on?
Jaune: ...
Past!Jaune:
Jaune: ... I'm cheating on you