Deardiary - Tumblr Posts
What is it, you fight for?
I keep asking myself the question. What is it that I fight for! This question, sprouted in thought because I feel that this planet is sooo fucking ghetto. I’m not saying that I have been on other’s. Or even know wha it’s like. But! What I am saying is that It has to be better some way some how!!! Why is it that we have to pay to live on this planet and for what! Also not to mention we're also kept in line by some fictional being that regulates how well you deal with bull shit it decides to put you through. To me! None of this makes sense. What so fucking ever.
Today I was on the metro north train. Headed from Yonkers to Grand Central. Me not paying any mind to whats going on around me. Because I’m busy being face down on my phone scrolling through “Tic Toks” to make me laugh or to feel righteous abut some social injustice done right. That I did not notice that I made it to yankee stadium. Where all of my alarms bells and whistles have gone off. Because a bunch of loud and drunken white folks have gotten on from the game.
You see I’m not always around white folk. And when and or if I am, It is because I have to be. This was crazy all of them were very loud. And very drunk and very disturbing. The group started chanting, fuck Biden. And other game like chants. I had no problem wit what they were saying I just had an issue with the volume. I became super perturbed and even greatly annoyed. My ears flickered and my face, it rested like it never rested before. This resting bitch face, felt so legendary that it could have starred in its own Movie. A movie that literally is made up of grunts and looks. I felt like a cat among dogs. I see why they sit there and make faces now. When all you are doing is sitting there trying to relax before your 12 hour shift in the hot loading dock.... and boom!!!! This wave of drunken entitled people come and just took over.
I’m writing about this because, These spaces they take up when they enter, is crazy. It’s almost as if the energy gets warped. Like a real ilife glammer spell is casted before your eyes. I had to ask myself. If any person of color were to come in to such a public space and create such a nuisance. Would it have been accepted or even tolerated. As they chanted in camaraderie of fuck the president or even when being vaguer with other statements. Would it have not been challenged? I started to feel unsafe. As a sea of people who are Notoriously known for violence when intoxicated. Started to take over the car I was in. It’s really the first time in my life that I felt like an other. Not for my sexuality like I usually do. But! Because of my skin!
Now! They did not do anything to me. They did not intimidate me. And! They did not have anything to do with me. My point is that in black and brown spaces. We’re inclusive of everyone in the space, "usually". We acknowledge and for the most part tolerate others as much as we can. We see each other. And we in a way create a psychic safe space. You can agree to disagree. But! As a spiritualist and psychic. What I learned is that white people don’t always do that! But! Expect you to provide it. They walk around with is hard energy and take, take, take. I truly believe the mentality they posses is a cancer to this planet. This statement even ones for those who think like them. It’s tiring and annoying at this point in life. And I’m only in my mid 20’s This planet really needs a reshaping. A restart.
I just wanted to go to work. I’m tired. And this is how I fight this fight called the human experience. But! I don't wanna do this anymore. I’d rather live in the woods with the tree spirits and animals where I know at least there intentions are true. Where if there’s a real fight it’s because of survival. True grit! Not a created problem and blame the person who’s living in it,the issue.
A little bit of this! A little bit of that
I have to say that I'm doing a bang up job of overwhelming myself here. I thought that I would have, a lot more down time than I did. Well no! This is not true! As an ARMY cook with my first deployment I had a full team of people who are. Like minded and knew what I knew so the job was not as difficult as it is now!
Now! I have a team but they are contractors who are not American, that are from all over the world. And these are people who are not aware nor do not care about our American culture. So when it comes to food quality or how a dish is made. It's all about getting the job done!
I had to stop one of them from killing us with salt the other day! He used a teriyaki concentrate on one of the meats and I lost my shit! I'm borderline hypertensive. So usually I watch what I eat. One of the things I cannot eat, is surprisingly BBQ sauce. The Amount of salt thats in there is truly crazy to me. Part of my job in the kitchen is to ensure that the food is up to par and that its eatable. But! I'm not the type to make sure that you can just! consume it! Which separates me from the straight men here! They fucking kill me with there sub standards for things that are rather serious. Vers little things like there toys. AKA weapons.
However, I began to get bored with the menu. When you eat weeks and weeks of the same shit, it gets boring really quickly and since well.... I'm the food manger here! I get a say in what happens. I get to deviate from this terrible subpar menu created by a guy who considers cooking "ordering food." Yuck!
The Team that I work with are a team of 5 guys. lol Yes five guys. Not the burger joint but a team of physically small men! which is kind of weird. B/c all of the American men, including myself are gigantic. I'm a wopping 230 pounds and 6'1 . While the average hight among them are 5'4. I do at times feel bad when I get upset with them because they physically look like children to me. But! come on! You can literally taste how salty it is! Then, I had to take a really good look in the mirror and remind myself that not everyone is as aware as I am.
In my years of cooking i had to learn what people do! As in what people do on their down time effects them int here personal life. so if a person works out, they are more likely to be proactive in some areas where physical needs are needed. If a person is artistic, and they paint write and draw on their downtime. That effects how they view the world and will see reality from a more cynical harsh perspective. which at times can create a hostile or rough environment. But! this guy says he has been working in food service for over 2o years. yes! 20 years. which i was surprised by. For a man who's so small and that resembles a child. he's older than I am. I'm currently in my early 30's. but! Him! no he's pushing 50 something. Which is weird as to why he could not taste the salt in the food.
Now! don't get your panties up in a much! Pull them out your asses, he's not the 50 year old who looks, acts or moves his age. So if I say I get on him. It’s because of professional reasons. Not every elderly person is that image of a bag of sand.
What I happen to realize is that, his habit on and off of work is that he's a smoker! Which I should have picked up on from when he smiles. I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. Quick tangent. I one time went over my god mothers house to hang out with her. I happen to be in the kitchen waiting for her to com e out of the bathroom and her man at the time was cooking himself some ramen noodles. So! If you have ver cooked that 25 cent packet of death you know that the little pouch of seasoning it comes with is salty enough. So no! her man adds one of the little red pouches to it along with some soy sauce. Yes soy sauce. I tried my best to hold back the " What the fuck are you doing" look on my face.
I had to ask though. Well...... state that it looks well seasoned. lol he laughed and said he can taste it that way. I figured that it was because of his diabetes. But! he's not the only smoker who has made food that I have seen, over salt things. So in the end when I realized that I had to let him know that he could not use the teriyaki concentrate the same way he uses ketchup. that it needs to be diluted with water. & that I did not care how he used it before, but while i'm here he's not going to do that! because hat they do not realize is that there's a pecking order here! & when the food is good or bad, I get the blame and I get the praise. Not them. I tried t be humble but! they say I make a difference here so I'ma just run with it.
My Official Military Christmas.
First and for most. Happy holidays to all of those who reads this and who practice a difference faith than I do. I also have to say I'm not a Christian but! A Santero and spiritualist.
In these spaces I occupy, I have to take whats familiar to me. And well Christmas is witchy in nature. With all that being said. I have to say that my experience with this group of men are so different from what I am use to. That leadership does make a whole difference as to how you live in these environments and grow as a soldier.
The idea of putting up of the Christmas tree was one of the Air men's idea. Which I thought was pretty cool and very sweet. It did build moral as he knew that it would. When I saw it, It made me think of the pleasant times I had with my own family and the joys associated with Christmas.
It's ghetto as it'll ever be! But I have to say that I really do like it's creative nature. Since I work in the kitchen someone asked me to save the disposable table clothes. They're going to cut them up and make ribbons or bow ties out of them and add it to the tree dressed with Ripit energy drinks.
Now, myself, I don’t drink these. But the other guys do, and a lot. And they love them. I'll stick to my NewyoRican ways of drinking coffee and dying of dehydration because that's all I'll choose to put into my body. lol And yes, I'm joking!!!!!! Here I cannot do that. I think I would literally die! It's sooo dame hot here! I know Africa is suppose to be hot. But! I have to say, the thought of something. being in your head. Vers the experience is something else and actually doing it. man! I have to say I need to live a lot more than I have.
I'm just happy to see the tree. people are doing secret santa. my platoon isn’t doing it. and I'm not too sure how we can anyway.I mean were here! and we don't go any where and there are no stores. I'm just happy because well my family home will be happy. I also now that I'm not missing anything. We video chat quite often. I'm going to do my best to get the most out of this deployment. But the tree has definitely sparked some feelings in me I thought I have forgotten about. Which I have to say is a very good thing. I like when these good feelings and memories come back. Flooding my heart and head.
Over all, I know I made the decision thats best for me. I questioned myself about being a soldier. about being a military member. These question arise because my contract is coming to an end. And it's about that time to renew it. Or! Leave. I have thought bout leaving. Because of the horrendous leadership. People who are out for themselves and do not care about the people who follow them. But! thats another Blog post to be made.
However, I have to say that I titled this my first official Christmas because. The fist time I had one. The world around me way dying. It was 2020 and Covid was at an all time high. Christmas was jot on my mind although it was on everyone else’s. This year I’m I’m good spirits and have another ancestors to add to my alter. My first deployment was my uncle billy and now it’s my aunt Carolyn. I’m using this moral booster to cover up my pain. I’m not ready to be this exposed. Especially with a good group that I’m with.