Homicidal Threats - Tumblr Posts

THIS!

I fucking HATE the manditory report system so much, because the MINUTE I expressed that I was having homicidal thoughts against my teacher to my therapist, she had to report me because I was she needed me to talk to my counselors at school about it, and when I spoke to them, THEY CALLED THE FUCKING COPS AND SUSPENDED ME BECAUSE I PULLED OUT A PAIR OF SCISSORS WHEN THEY FUCKING ASKED ME ABOUT WEAPONS, AND THEY DEEMED THAT AS ME THREATENING HIM EVEN THOUGH I NEVER EXPRESSED PLANS TO DO JACK SHIT TO HIM.

AND NOW I HAVE TO DO A MANIFESTATION HEARING AND IF I DON'T PASS I'M GOING TO GET EXPELLED.

What's genuinely fucked up about this situation is that how it all happened because school was deteriorating so badly to the point I was barely taking care of myself, and my bitch ass teacher decided to degrade me over it.

Fuck you mr. Gonzales. You know what you did and I'm tired of you playing the victim card over it. You KNEW this was gonna happen if you did that, yet you did it anyway.

The stigma surrounding homicidal ideation is genuinely fucking awful, and just the stigma surrounding mental illness in general.

As someone with violent and even homicidal ideation, I think the choices people make are far more indicative of their moral character than anything else.

Thoughts mean nothing. Thoughtcrimes don't exist, especially because what we think is out of our control. If you're not running around hurting people or advocating for others hurting people, then you're fine. For the love of fuck stop stigmatizing mental illnesses and and the unsavory symptoms some of them tend to have.

People can't help it whether they have intrusive thoughts or even fantasize about violence. It doesn't mean we're going to do it. I'm not going to apologize for my symptoms nor does someone finding them off-putting give them a license to be ableist/sanist about it.

10/3/2024 (decided to start putting dates on my stuff cause fuck it)

Okay, so I just got back from my manifestation hearing.

I didn't pass, they didn't determine my disability as the cause of what happened (check some of my older posts for context), but for some reason they didn't expel me.

But tbh, they might as well have, because ooh boy did they lose my fucking trust in them, and also my parents trust.

So, my mom brought in some paperwork that had the disorders that I was diagnosed with, and a majority of them are provisional. And during the hearing, they were bringing up my disorders as a possible cause of what happened.

Here's where things start to get really fucked up.

Not only did they refuse to acknowledge the provisional diagnoses, but when my mom tried to mention them to the people at the meeting, they immediately shut her down. And also, they acknowledged the trauma I had to deal with, but refused to connect that to what happened, basically their way of saying that my trauma doesn't affect me. They only acknowledged the autism and ADHD, even though neither of those disorders had any relation to what happened.

AND IT GETS WORSE.

They also mentioned a comment I made to my special education teacher during a split, and how by coincidence the new paraprofessional* had won my trust and therefore I liked her more, and it's made me realize something:

*I've now remember that Mr. Gonzales was a paraprofessional and not a teacher so I apologize for that.

That sped teacher was probably so jealous that she lost my trust and I turned towards that new paraprofessional instead of her, that she's wanting to try and get me expelled so I can "feel the same pain she did" (i'll get into that later), and that was why she agreed when everyone said that what happened wasn't because of my disability and it was because I wanted to get out of school (their words not mine).

All because she ignored me when I asked for help on an assignment about a month or two ago.

Okay, so setting aside the obvious fact that they probably violated an ADA law by flat out ignoring the diagnosed disorders I had, the fact that my school hated me this bad over ONE threat that's probably never gonna happen again, genuinely upsets me.

I don't give a fuck what their "pOLiciES" are, but you do not pretend to care about me and then throw me away when my mental health gets so bad to the point I develop homicidal ideation.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN A FLAT OUT THREAT EITHER, I literally just told my therapist "hey, I'm having homicidal thoughts and need to address it before something happens.", and because I pulled out scissors so that I could remove a potential weapon, they took it as a threat and are punishing me for trying to avoid a genuinely serious situation.

Also, what was going on in their mind when they didn't even acknowledge the provisional diagnoses when the mentions of my disabilities came up?? They KNEW I have bpd and they KNEW it affected my perception of relationships, yet for some reason they only acknowledged the autism and ADHD because they believe that my other disorders aren't real because of the provisional label (and I can't a full BPD diagnosis until I'm 18 cause of the laws where I live but that doesn't mean it's not there).

And the fact that the fucking sped teacher literally let HER emotions about me influence her fucking job as a teacher genuinely baffles me.

If a teacher lets their emotions get in the way of their job and therefore risk the wellbeing of their students, they shouldn't even BE a teacher in the first fucking place.

Honestly idk what else to say anymore...

Fuck Colorado Early Colleges, fuck Mrs. McGregor, and her dumbass kid too. They're all pieces of shit for doing this to me, and they deserve whatever happens to them. I pray for their downfall as much as I pray for Widefield's downfall.

I'm definitely showing this to my therapist next monday, and let's just say my parents aren't having me go back to that school anymore after all this.