Actually Borderline - Tumblr Posts
10/10/2024
---
Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc
Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?
OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.
But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.
So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.
The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)
Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".
Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.
If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.
OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.
And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..
And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???
So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.
I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.
What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??
I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.
Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.
Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.
God I hate being mentally ill...
Looking for a partner
---
Please read all the way for my boundaries, criteria, and who I have picked as candidates. Thank you.
---
So, we all know at how there's been a ton of grooming allegations being thrown against people right?
And we all know how when you point out any flaws in the accusations people will send an entire hate mob against you right?
Honestly, fuck it and fuck you society.
atp, I'm already mentally fucked anyway, so let's find me a partner! I'm sick of being an incel anyway.
---
Here is some of my criteria:
---
must be around 18 to 39 years old (NO OLDER OR YOUNGER THAN THAT)
Can be any gender (though i'd prefer anyone that's AMAB since I don't know if AFAB to AFAB sex is gonna work out for me)
Must be able to give me as much attention as they can (with the exception of work, school, or any important things that will deter me from being able to speak with you)
Must have knowledge about BPD and how it works (because I don't want to deal with someone getting mad at me over showing a BPD trait. If you don't already know much I recommend researching it before coming to me.)
Is comfortable with sex or sexual topics (bonus points if you talk about sexual topics a lot)
Must have similar interests (I like five nights at freddy's and minecraft :> Tony crynight is my special interest)
---
Here are some of the candidates I chose based off this criteria (though someone else can always ask me out if they meet this criteria too :>):
---
Tony Crynight (30) (to make up for all the time he's been ignoring me)
YandereDev (36)
Synnibear03 (21) (she seems nice :3)
PumpkinTheGentleman (19) (I love his art and he's funny)
---
If you're one of the lucky people who are on this list or meet the criteria above that list, please DM me!
Discord: Nozomi Kaizoku #0644 (though you can DM me from any of my other socials as well)
---
My boundaries:
[Note: when I split from someone, my views on a person turn negative when they were originally positive, and I have a tendency to block the person in question and refuse to unblock them until after I have gone out of a split. Either I love someone or hate them.]
---
Please use he/they/it pronouns for me (most basic boundary)
If I'm discussing something opinion based (like online drama), don't switch up on me mid-discussion, it will cause me to split from you. It will come off as invalidation, which is extremely triggering to me.
If you need to criticize my behavior, please be gentle about it. I struggle with handling criticism due to trauma (though I am working on it in therapy), and it can be triggering for me sometimes.
PLEASE let me know of any boundaries you want me to follow IN ADVANCE, and if I break a boundary on accident, correct me. I had an issue with this regarding an ex-friend in the past and it (alongside the witch up) resulted in me going into a crisis (and losing that friend of course).
Please use tone tags when discussing anything with me. I won't immediately know your tone, and I will think you're mad at me if I perceive it that way, which can be distressing for me.
Please don't actively ignore me or refuse to acknowledge my existence until I go into a crisis or if I start to display harmful behaviors. This will cause me to believe that you don't care about how I actually feel and will cause me to split.
---
That's about it! hope you're interested!
10/11/2024 - 10/12/2024, 12:20 AM
---
You wanna know what's worse than being a sexual assault victim?
Having someone accuse you of being a sexual assault victim when you never had any sexual encounters with anyone in your lifetime (as least nothing physical)
Literally just a few minutes ago, I was getting ready for bed, and the cops came over to my house. At first I thought "oh shit, did a car crash happen" since it's pretty common for accidents to happen at the intersection near my house.
Turns out, someone saw my advertisement saying that I was looking for a relationship (I am still looking for a partner btw, please check out that post if anyone's interested), and got so mad at me wanting to be in a relationship that they reported me to the police telling them that I was assaulted.
I want to make it clear: I was never sexually assaulted, nor do I recall being groomed by any particular person. I am simply a very horny femcel who had unrestricted internet access as a kid. There is no need to call the fucking cops on my ass at 11pm on a friday night because you're mad that I actually want a partner.
I feel like the "anonymous" person who did this was an ex friend that I split from weeks ago because they got all pissy at my vent blog n shit.
So here's my little message to them since they seem to love stalking my account (very long read, sorry):
---
Gerard, just leave me the fuck alone Already.
You already ruined what we had when you not only ignored me for SEVERAL MONTHS on end and ignored my every attempt to try and communicate with you in the way I knew how to, but you then only came to me to complain that I was showing mentally ill traits that i can NOT control and traits you KNEW came from years of trauma that distorted my perception of relationships to where I would be willing to put myself in harm's way just to feel loved, and when you reported me to the fucking police, you basically killed any hope of me rebuilding a relationship with you.
Something I learned is that when you finally grow from being a child into being a teen, friendships and connections are very important for your development, and since I was your mostly stereotypical SPED kid with little to no social experience, I never got that, and therefore I idolized every friend I ever had up until I was about 14 years old (and even then I still had a lot of trust in them because I was so dependent on them to keep myself from being isolated forever.)
I believed that you loved me and cared about me for years, when we hung out, it felt like I was in one of those beautiful slice-of-life animes where the main character is having the best experience they could ever have. I was happy. The only exception to that was when I first developed a crush on Skyler and therefore developed homicidal thoughts against you (I didn't know it wasn't normal until years later), but even then, she got me to open up to you and love you again.
And guess what you did?
you took that trust, the trust of a venerable person with no social skills, and you just threw it out the window, like it was never important to anyone. And that fucking hurts honestly.
If i'll be honest, if I really was groomed like you are having everyone believe, then you are the groomer. You did this to me.
Just admit what has been exposed already and what everyone knows: you do not care about me or my wellbeing, you NEVER cared at all now that I think about it, and if you think that I still care for you after what you done, oh boy are you delusional (and not in the mentally ill way either). I wouldn't care if you died atp, you mean nothing to me anymore. I do not love you. If anything, I hate you.
I know there is nothing I can say to change your mind on me, but honestly, I fucking hate you, and I should've never trusted you.
I hope you fucking rot in hell you asshole. Thanks to your dumbass, my whole family now thinks that someone raped me or some shit, and it's probably on my legal record now too.
Just block me already and never try to contact me. I never want to see you again.
---
HALLO :D
Reblog if you want Asks/Messages from your followers in your inbox
people when mentally ill person is acting like theyre mentally ill
I feel so fucking drained rn to the point my interests are becoming less interesting to me and all of my friends hate me and I'm so fucking insecure that it's killing me from the inside out.
i don't think I'll be able to have the energy to carry on with my life atp..
REAL, and it gets worse when they actually confirm your beliefs by getting mad at you for having that belief in the first place.
i hate that BPD gives me such a lack of emotional permanence.
you can spend hours describing the ways in which you care about me, yet the moment you stop my brain will immediately decide you hate me and are destined to leave me.
you ignore me because you hate me. admit it. now. go. vamos
this but instead of just my parents it's also the american school system (and school had a greater impact on me btw)
Also my ex friends manipulated me for years and are pissed that I know the truth about them.
How come parents just casually neglect you in your childhood, purposefully get you addicted to your device and are now crying because of how their child turned out, as if it wasn’t completely their fault
"It's no big surprise you turned out this way, When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change, And they cut your hair and sent you away, You stopped by my house the night you escaped, With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay, You said, 'Hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way' " ~Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms
Still find it hard to believe that people forget I had to deal with a lot of long term trauma and it's manifested into this disorder that completely distorts my perceptions of relationships and self image and will display shitty behavior because of said disorder impacting me in some way.
10/15/2024
---
Today I went to Walmart with my mom to get some groceries, and while we were in the bakery section, I saw some really pretty flowers. Roses, sunflowers, I think a couple of lilacs.. Just beautiful ones.
I know I'm aromantic, but I really wish a boy bought me a bouquet of flowers to make me feel special. I wished they kissed me on the cheek too while they were at it.
Why can't I get that kind of love without something coming in and fucking it up?
god I hate being single....
As vezes o que precisamos é de alguém que nos acorde desse transe maldito em que nos afundamos depressa. Um_Borderline🩵 @frankangelliciousof
Mais uma nova leitura para finalizar a Semana...
the feeling of crying when someone is in the same room as you and they still don't notice...
they're leaving me. they're leaving me again. for good this time... i knew it would happen because everyone abandons me sooner or later but i didn't want to acknowledge it. they are leaving me all alone in this godforsaken country with NO ONE.
i can't be alone again please...
my ed/bpd follows me everywhere, even all the way to my dreams. and im just so tired, sleepy, exhausted, and have so many things i need to do today...
god i just want a moment of peace.
it's during moments like this - lying on my bed utterly and hopelessly sick and in pain, with no one to help or care for me is when i realise that...
huh maybe i truly am all alone.