Nozomi Vents - Tumblr Posts

Me ending up on mentally ill girlblogging tumblr as a trans guy because I use BPD related tags and I'm just staring at everyone like

am I still welcome?

nvm fuck it, I'll just go with "femcel" cause it fits me better, and I'll orient between incel and femcel as needed.

does anyone know what to call a nonbinary incel? I think I might be an incel but I don't identify as a girl or boy (well, i do identify as a boy, but i'm still nonbinary regardless)

I was thinking about calling them "excels" or "encels", but idk :p

"Luca, your behavior is concerning, you need to delete your vent account!!!! "

Yap Yap Yap, you're acting as if I'm even REPARABLE at this point.

I'm working with a therapist, YandereDev has already addressed the allegations against him (AND IS GETTING HELP FOR IT), and just because I identify as an incel/femcel doesn't mean I'm gonna suddenly become this misogynistic pedo who has the most fucked up views about women you had ever seen in your life.

Let me educate you on something:

Incel literally just means "involuntary celebate", which basically means you are not able to engage in sexual activity due to ostracization and shunning (which is my case due to me being borderline and autistic and having to face the stigma surrounding my disabilities), and Femcel is the female/feminine counterpart.

it was a movement back in the 1990's - early 2000's as a way of uplifting those who became incels due to them being in a minority group, but sadly the original movement was abandoned due to how commonly associated it was with genuinely bad people.

Today, most of the self-identified incels/femcels are teenagers with ongoing mental health struggles who believe this label fits their experiences. These people (including myself) do NOT associate with anyone with intentions of doing harm to others.

As for the intrusive thoughts about killing my teacher: that was the result of constant dismissal and invalidation of my mental health struggles and due to the ongoing stress that has caused me. (I should mention that in therapy, I discovered that one of my biggest triggers is invalidation, and when I get triggered, I REALLY get triggered.), but I already did a threat assessment and I am speaking with my therapist as needed.

Also should mention: I have spoken with yandereDev directly a couple times (mainly to ask him questions), and out of all the times we spoke, he has not ONCE shown any interest or desire to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with me, in fact he's actually been keeping his distance (as a content creator should with their fans), so don't say he's trying to "gRoOm" me.

And do you REALLY think I'm gonna ask him out now??? At 17 years old????? FUCK NO, that's gonna hurt both me and yandereDev.

I'm waiting until I am 18 years old to attempt to be in a relationship with him, and by then I will the age of consent, therefore I would be able to consent to a relationship with him.

And as a final note: the people engaging with my content are not doing it to "enable" any genuinely bad behavior, I have stated myself that people can reblog my posts if they find it relatable. And people are engaging with my content because, well, they find it relatable. They share similar experiences as I do. Are those people in the wrong now because they had experiences in their lives and saw my posts and understand how I feel?

Honestly, idc if you're "concerned" or not, but you can't force me to delete my vent blog because you're upset that I happen to have a space where I am comfortable with talking about my mental health struggles. Why are you even looking at it anyway if you're THAT concerned about my posts? It feels a lot like you're just scrolling through my blog and cherry picking the posts that "concern" you.

Fucking weirdo....

If you're that bothered, just block it. I can assure you that I am okay and will get help if needed.

Don't like? Don't interact.

Thank you.

"just learn to tolerate things" if i hear that shit come out of your mouth one more time I am going to hit you with a brick, fuck you.

I hate whenever people tell me that I "struggle with tolerating things" or how I "get triggered whenever someone has an opinion that's not 100% like yours", because while it is objectively true, people forget that i canNOT control this shit.

I stopped tolerating shit because i had people constantly manipulate and exploit me to the point it basically killed my wellbeing, it's LITERALLY a trauma response.

And the black-and-white thinking is because, get this: IT'S A PART OF MY FUCKING DISORDER, ONE OF THE MAIN CRITERIA ACTUALLY.

Also, saying that I get all pissy at someone not 100% agreeing with an opinion i have is a bit of a stretch. I can tolerate someone not 100% agreeing with me, I'm not that close-minded, however, what i DON'T tolerate is someone being a genuine asshole about their opinion and/or actively attempting to trigger me on purpose. (*COUGH COUGH* The Tony Crynight sever Incident)

Seriously, people act like I don't constantly argue with people online..

Anyway, probably gonna show this blog to my therapist (because at least SHE knows how I fell and at least I can actually trust her..)

I may or may not be questioning if I'm actually a boy or not because all of the posts I relate to are tagged "girlblogging", "i'm just a girl" "jiraigirl" etc. and idk how to react to it

Never though my mom would be able to simultaneously agree with me on something, but damn.

I vented on an online assignment about my hopelessness for the future (cause technically it was kind of related to what the assignment prompt was supposed to be, so fuck it), and in it I mentioned how it's highly likely that I'm probably gonna die via a school shooting because of how many there have been in the past while. By pure coincidence, another school shooting was talked about on the news right before I did that assignment.

Yesterday while I was getting evaluated to see if I could come back to school next week, the assignment was brought up, and they specifically mentioned the part about the school shootings, and idk what went through my mom's mind, but let's just say I'm pretty sure it opened her eyes up to what I as experiencing (partially).

I say this because she was talking to my dad about it, and she mentioned how she understood where I was coming from and that it wasn't a huge surprise I was feeling this hopeless, and honestly I wholeheartedly agree with her.

It disturbs me so much how there's millions of kids out there that have been killed, yet for some stupid reason, not only does the government actively refuse to pass gun restrictions that could save lives while still keeping the 2nd amendment intact, they are instead blaming every problem that this country has on the the LGBTQ, POC, people in 3rd world countries, the disabled, the mentally ill, trans people, the homeless--LITERALLY EVERYHTING AND EVERYONE BUT THE ACTUAL ISSUE, AND HONESTLY IT'S NO SURPRISE AT ALL WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES, THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE BECUASE SOME RICH FUCKS WOULD RATHER SHOVE MONEY UP THEIR ASS THAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHOOTING CRISIS WE GOT!!!

Honestly, fuck the school system, fuck the constitution, fuck America, fuck everyone, I can't take it anymore, and I wish there was something worth living for.

Oh well, let's just go back to school next week and pretend like everything's okay for the next fucking several months until I can finally drop out and live the rest of my life as a NEET living in my parent's house at 30 something years old i guess..

One thing that genuinely pisses me off is how my dad will constantly point out me, my sister, and my mom's shortcomings and be so quick to blame us for it, yet when we point out his shortcomings that are genuinely harmful, all of a sudden he's "being invalidated", and that we "hurt his feelings" and shit, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CONSIDER HOW WE FEEL EITHER WHICH FUCKING SUCKS!

Literally just today my parents were arguing about how my mental health was affecting my ability to attend school, and he's over there saying "oh, we should put [him] in a boarding school", "[he]'s doing this on purpose" yap yap yap, basically blaming me for all of this shit. (I put m pronouns in the brackets cause he was misgendering me the whole time btw)

And then I go an step out to get something, he calls me over, and basically just starts shaming me (in front of my mom an sister btw) for getting suspended and sharing how I feel about mr. Gonzales n shit, and when my mom tried to explain and elaborate on something to him, he completely blew her off.

And my mom (bless her heart btw) was literally trying to defend this asshole because she loves him, like a lot, and I feel bad that she has to put up with this tbh.

"he didn't know, he's trying his best" Not only does he know, HE'S SAYING THESE THINGS IN THE MOST DEGRADING MATTER POSSIBLE JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR GETTING SUSPENDED, AND I JUST SJFJKFHERUFERFHR /NEG

Also, I accidentally bought $20 worth of shit on Thursday because he gave me his credit card to buy a soda, and he got in trouble for letting me go out and spend that much, and instead of holding himself accountable, he decides to drag it to today (TWO DAYS LATER) and complain about him "being thrown under the bus", like I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE THE 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN BEING PUT IN CHARGE OF MYFINACIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE MENTALLY ILL ASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE FUCKING CREDIT CARD AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO STOP ME.

and oh man am I getting genuinely tired of his fucking trauma dumping.

He talks about how his mental health and how angry he is at something, yet when we have the AUDACITY to try and talk about how WE feel, instead of taking the time to listen and understand, he basically dismisses us and does this thing I personally call "fake praising" (which is basically when he gives someone praise but it's in such a condescending and almost sarcastic tone to where it doesn't feel like genuine praise at all), and even straight up invalidates us n shit, it's fucking infuriating man.

And the fucked up part? whenever my mom does these things, all of a sudden it's this horrible abusive thing and that he's a selfish bitch, which upsets me because unlike him, she doesn't have as much control over it (though she's working on it), and both she and I have BPD, which makes this even more fucked up because he's so quick to judge us for the same shit he does just because we have a mental illness we can't control.

It infuriates me so much how he's quick to dismiss other people's struggles and sometimes tell them it's their fault, and then the minute he receives ANY amount of criticism against genuinely shitty actions, all of a sudden he's a victim?? FUCK THAT!

I'd say he has a big ego and it's becoming an issue, but i don't want to give the NPD community any shit (since they already got so much stigma on their hands), and I'm not gonna say he's faking any of this either, cause that's not okay, but he REALLY heeds to get a therapist to talk to instead of dumping his issues on the rest of his family.

OH! did I forget to mention he makes weird comments bout my body without my consent anytime I dress alternatively, and he's told me in the past that I have an "athlete's body"? Yeah, kind of weird..

He does ALL of this, and yet still wonders why I hate him.

man is it infuriating...

EDIT: forgot to mention that he doesn't even go to my appointments, nor has he even MET my therapist, or any of that shit, so he has no right to even talk about my mental health like that.

Also, he's extremely invasive about how my medications are working and if I took them n shit, and he says it's "so I can know if my coworker Brian can be prescribed them".

like first off the medications working bit is something for my doctor to ask, not you, second off, I get if you're reminding me, but for you to basically come at me and yell at me for not taking them and then acting like I got angry because I didn't take those medications because "I can tell that you're off them", and third off, if Brian really wanted to talk about my medications so that he can speak with his doctor about it, he should talk with me directly so that he can know first hand how it works and what the side effects are, he doesn't need to have my dad (who has no knowledge about mental health medications whatsoever) come and ask invasive questions about my medications and risk spreading harmful misinformation that's gonna get him killed.

Let's just say I'm probably gonna have him talk to my therapist on my behalf so that he actually, yknow, LEARNS NOT TO BE A FUCKING DICK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM??

EXACTLY!

And yet the schools choose to ban phones....

Never though my mom would be able to simultaneously agree with me on something, but damn.

I vented on an online assignment about my hopelessness for the future (cause technically it was kind of related to what the assignment prompt was supposed to be, so fuck it), and in it I mentioned how it's highly likely that I'm probably gonna die via a school shooting because of how many there have been in the past while. By pure coincidence, another school shooting was talked about on the news right before I did that assignment.

Yesterday while I was getting evaluated to see if I could come back to school next week, the assignment was brought up, and they specifically mentioned the part about the school shootings, and idk what went through my mom's mind, but let's just say I'm pretty sure it opened her eyes up to what I as experiencing (partially).

I say this because she was talking to my dad about it, and she mentioned how she understood where I was coming from and that it wasn't a huge surprise I was feeling this hopeless, and honestly I wholeheartedly agree with her.

It disturbs me so much how there's millions of kids out there that have been killed, yet for some stupid reason, not only do the actively refuse to pass gun restrictions that could save lives while still keeping the 2nd amendment intact, they are instead blaming every problem that this country has on the the LGBTQ, POC, people in 3rd world countries, the disabled, the mentally ill, trans people, the homeless--LITERALLY EVERYHTING AND EVERYONE BUT THE ACTUAL ISSUE, AND HONESTLY IT'S NO SURPRISE AT ALL WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES, THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE BECUASE SOME RICH FUCKS WOULD RATHER SHOVE MONEY UP THEIR ASS THAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHOOTING CRISIS WE GOT!!!

Honestly, fuck the school system, fuck the constitution, fuck America, fuck everyone, I can't take it anymore, and I wish there was something worth living for.

Oh well, let's just go back to school next week and pretend like everything's okay for the next fucking several months until I can finally drop out and live the rest of my life as a NEET living in my parent's house at 30 something years old i guess..

not a vent post but I DID NOT EXPECT A BLOG WHERE I TALK ABOUT MY PERSONAL ISSUES FOR THE PUBLIC TO SEE TO BLOW UP LMAO

Love yall btw :3

Also I got my main blog in my pinned post if you wanna check it out :>

(reblog cause it refused to give me the tag I wanted)

Is it bad that I'm starting to feel less interested in tony crynight?

I remember just a few years ago, I used to get all excited and nearly break something just by seeing that they posted on youtube.

Nowadays, whenever I see something he posted, I just think "oh cool." Before going back to whatever I'm doing. No emotions pop up for me, I don't feel a rush of adrenaline that a person feels when they get excited... nothing.

it's actually making me feel pretty worried honestly because i don't even know why I'm feeling like this, it just kind of happened. And I feel like absolute dog shit about it.

Maybe it's because Tony messaged me on tiktok once or twice and then suddenly stopped and now I'm starting to believe that he hates me and it's causing me to split from him?? Or maybe it's the racist dog video making me believe that he wants me dead cause i'm gay??? fuck...

Maybe I should stop relying on big content creators for attention and affection and risking them being accused of grooming if they decide to give me attention.

Not like they give a fuck about me anyway.

It's actually kinda funny how one minute I could be casually scrolling through Tumblr and next thing I know it's like 8pm and I have to do a suicide threat assessment because I have to do a manifestation hearing for the homicide threat I made against my teacher on Thursday and there's a high chance I'm gonna get expelled and it's making me feel like everyone's gonna hate me and that my dad's gonna kick me out of the house for it.

Fuck you American school system. :3

Anyway I'm starting Intensive outpatient therapy next week and I get the rest of the semester off of school (if they decide not to expel me), so ye :p

10/3/2024 (decided to start putting dates on my stuff cause fuck it)

Okay, so I just got back from my manifestation hearing.

I didn't pass, they didn't determine my disability as the cause of what happened (check some of my older posts for context), but for some reason they didn't expel me.

But tbh, they might as well have, because ooh boy did they lose my fucking trust in them, and also my parents trust.

So, my mom brought in some paperwork that had the disorders that I was diagnosed with, and a majority of them are provisional. And during the hearing, they were bringing up my disorders as a possible cause of what happened.

Here's where things start to get really fucked up.

Not only did they refuse to acknowledge the provisional diagnoses, but when my mom tried to mention them to the people at the meeting, they immediately shut her down. And also, they acknowledged the trauma I had to deal with, but refused to connect that to what happened, basically their way of saying that my trauma doesn't affect me. They only acknowledged the autism and ADHD, even though neither of those disorders had any relation to what happened.

AND IT GETS WORSE.

They also mentioned a comment I made to my special education teacher during a split, and how by coincidence the new paraprofessional* had won my trust and therefore I liked her more, and it's made me realize something:

*I've now remember that Mr. Gonzales was a paraprofessional and not a teacher so I apologize for that.

That sped teacher was probably so jealous that she lost my trust and I turned towards that new paraprofessional instead of her, that she's wanting to try and get me expelled so I can "feel the same pain she did" (i'll get into that later), and that was why she agreed when everyone said that what happened wasn't because of my disability and it was because I wanted to get out of school (their words not mine).

All because she ignored me when I asked for help on an assignment about a month or two ago.

Okay, so setting aside the obvious fact that they probably violated an ADA law by flat out ignoring the diagnosed disorders I had, the fact that my school hated me this bad over ONE threat that's probably never gonna happen again, genuinely upsets me.

I don't give a fuck what their "pOLiciES" are, but you do not pretend to care about me and then throw me away when my mental health gets so bad to the point I develop homicidal ideation.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN A FLAT OUT THREAT EITHER, I literally just told my therapist "hey, I'm having homicidal thoughts and need to address it before something happens.", and because I pulled out scissors so that I could remove a potential weapon, they took it as a threat and are punishing me for trying to avoid a genuinely serious situation.

Also, what was going on in their mind when they didn't even acknowledge the provisional diagnoses when the mentions of my disabilities came up?? They KNEW I have bpd and they KNEW it affected my perception of relationships, yet for some reason they only acknowledged the autism and ADHD because they believe that my other disorders aren't real because of the provisional label (and I can't a full BPD diagnosis until I'm 18 cause of the laws where I live but that doesn't mean it's not there).

And the fact that the fucking sped teacher literally let HER emotions about me influence her fucking job as a teacher genuinely baffles me.

If a teacher lets their emotions get in the way of their job and therefore risk the wellbeing of their students, they shouldn't even BE a teacher in the first fucking place.

Honestly idk what else to say anymore...

Fuck Colorado Early Colleges, fuck Mrs. McGregor, and her dumbass kid too. They're all pieces of shit for doing this to me, and they deserve whatever happens to them. I pray for their downfall as much as I pray for Widefield's downfall.

I'm definitely showing this to my therapist next monday, and let's just say my parents aren't having me go back to that school anymore after all this.

10/4/2024

--

So, I have some good news!

Not only am I not getting expelled, but I just learned that I'm also gonna graduate! (Despite how long I've been out of school) And also I finally got the papers needed to get into my intensive outpatient!

I guess my school just got so worried about getting sued after the shit they said at the manifestation hearing that they decided to graduate me early lmao

Anyway, to celebrate my victory, I made myself some battery acid :3

10/4/2024, 10:18 p.m.

I'm starting to resent Tony Crynight and I'm hating it.

So, Tony is my "special interest", and for years, I idolized him and loved him. I made a lot of fanart for him, I made several discord servers of him over the years, HELL, I MADE A WHOLE ASS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ABOUT HIM AND PRESENTED IT TO THE CLASS BECAUSE I WANTED OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM!

And now.. I'm losing those feelings for him.

I'm starting to feel less excited about his posts, I stopped talking about him as much, stopped watching his videos...

And I'm starting to feel like it's killing me slowly, like i'm losing my personality.

And I think I know why this is happening.

Tony had sent me DMs expressing how "grateful" he is to have me as a fan, and he's replied to my comments before on his page, Hell, he's even said that he liked a meme drawing I did of him. He gave me his attention and affection. 

And then one day it just stopped. And he acted as if I never existed in the first place. 

He abandoned me. He threw me away...

And I hate him for that.

I also think that he probably wants me dead because of an old video he made all the way back in 2014, long before I became a fan of him, even if his views on gay people having since changed. But what difference would his political views make on his opinion of me? He probably thinks I'm annoying as shit and he probably wishes I didn't exist.

But, for some reason, I can't let him go.

He's been a part of my life since 2018, and everyone knows me as the autistic tony crynight fan, by my parents, by my friends, by everyone.

If I leave Tony, that would mean I no longer am the autistic tony crynight fan, and if I'm not that, then who am I...? 

I can't take it anymore. I need him to pay attention to me. 

I need him, as much as I hate him.

I hate you, @tonycrynight....

10/7/2024

So, i went to my first iop appointment today, and let's just say that I think that not only did I learn nothing, but everyone fucking hates me.

We only did like one psych-ed thing (basically the part of the therapy where you actually learn shit), and I didn't even learn that much from it either. The teacher was just boring as shit and it made it extremely difficult to engage in anything. (And luckily we didn't have to do much, all we had to do was just write shit down on the assignment)

And then we have the other issue of me getting completely blown off and ignored and I'm just sitting there like "are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong?? " AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SHARE ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESSING TIME EITHER WHICH IS FUCKED UP. (Processing is basically where we get to talk about what's been going on with our lives n shit. It's confusing, I know)

Literally, someone was sharing that they feel like everyone hates them and is secretly making fun of them n shit, and I related to that, so I raised my hand (because I didn't want to interrupt them since that's just rude), and everyone fucking blew me off.

So I literally had to sit there in a puddle of my own thoughts and force myself to keep quiet, which genuinely pisses me off honestly because everyone was acting like I didn't even exist and it feels like that they hate me already, EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY BEEN THERE FOR ONE DAY.

Maybe it was because I didn't try to talk to anyone? God neurotypicals are just really into this whole "ignoring people on purpose" thing.

Anyway, gonna talk to my therapist about it once I post this. I just really hope this is just a one-time thing and then I can do therapy without any issues.

10/8/2024

I know this is probably gonna result in me losing a lot of people I care about, but I've pretty much came to accept and acknowledge something that I'm finally understanding.

I'm a bad person who does bad things. 

I manipulate people into either staying with me or getting what I want, I make insensitive comments (even if I didn't mean it that way), I don't respect boundaries as much as I want to, I talk about how nobody loves me all the time even if there are people who do love me, I talk about sex and needless drama a lot (even when I'm not supposed to), I'm mean to people when I'm angry, I ignore people on purpose if I find them "boring", HELL, I even use to emotionally abuse my (now ex) boyfriend and then call him the abuser when he tried to speak up about it, knowing damn well that this was damaging his well-being (and I wish i never did fyi, the guilt from the abuse I had done haunts me to this day and I feel like neither me or him can recover from that).

Not to mention that I am an egotistical attention seeker and I like to exploit my own mental health struggles for clout online (and making them worse in the process), sometimes even going as far as over-exaggerating it just so people can give me attention.

I am a major fucking red flag, but for some dumbass reason, people just love to throw on the rose-colored glasses and not only ignore those red flags, but instead blame the victims for what happened and tell me that I am a good person regardless, even though they know the truth about me.

It pisses me off how nobody even understands that I will hurt them, and I have flaws that will affect them, and it also pisses me off how people want to blame the people being hurt by my actions. HELL, EVEN MY THERAPIST IS TELLING ME THIS IS OKAY, WHEN IT'S NOT!

And the fucked up part?

I was doomed to be like this from the start.

I can't change myself because of the fact that a lot of my behavior stems from both my mental illness/disability and the environment I had to grow up in, and also I can't handle criticism for shit. Anytime someone calls me out for my shitty behavior, I tell them that they're a piece of shit and then block them before going on a rant about about how "oh, i'm so misunderstood and I'm trying to be good! please pity me and feed my praise kink for me!!! :(" and then continue to do the shitty behavior in question with no consequences.

I know i'm repeating this a lot, but I am genuinely so upset how behavior like this is so normalized and encouraged. People are being harmed by my actions yet I'm being told it's okay for some reason. They don't even bother to try and address my flaws and hold me accountable for jack shit, and it makes me wonder how far they're willing to go just to defend my actions...

So overall, I'm just stuck in this limbo of being aware I'm a bad person yet never being held accountable for it, and it's basically driving me insane. 

But at the same time, I'm terrified of abandonment, and if I lose the people I genuinely care about over this I'll just go into another crisis and threaten myself again, so I just force myself to take in the praise just to keep me alive.

I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could stop hurting people, it's killing me atp..

I'm not even gonna bother to use tone tags for this because it'll just sound like I'm making this a joke (fuck the people who misuse the /srs tone tag btw), feel free to interpret this however you want. I just needed to get this out of my system before it fucks me over again.

10/9/2024

--

Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...

10/10/2024

---

Guess who just dropped out of intensive outpatient therapy!! /sarc

Okay but in all seriousness though, i fucking HATE intensive outpatient, why the fuck did I even agree to go?

OH WAIT! Because I can't see my main therapist everyday and I wanted to get the help I needed to not only try and be a better person in general, but to also learn how to cope with certain situations because everything's so damn overwhelming and the coping mechanisms I did try made me feel worse.

But instead I just got a bunch of condescending assholes who have no mental health experience whatsoever.

So, in intensive outpatient, we get to do this thing called "processing time", which is basically where you vent about your trauma to the whole group and the therapist can give advice for how to deal with it (eg: tips for dealing with boundary issues), and patients are allowed to give their own advice that they believe can be helpful in that moment.

The problem? I didn't get to do process time at all. Instead this kid named Skyler just hogged up all the processing time by talking about their family issues and ignoring any and all advice given to them (fuck you skyler btw, nobody fucking cares about how your sister is a violent little asshole.)

Also, the staff were so fucking condescending and rude to everyone in the group I was in, especially that one psych ed teacher we had today. She was complaining nonstop about "oh, i'm so tired of this job, this is all stupid bullshit" all while she was reading out the lesson for today, AND THEN SHE DISMISSED US EARLY BECAUSE "I'm done with this shit".

Literally the whole time all I could think was "shut up you annoying ass bitch I'm going to stab you if you don't shut the fuck up." and I was even contemplating dumping my *freshly made* hot cocoa all over her because she wouldn't shut her mouth.

If you're so sick of your job, then why not just find another one??? You're a fucking psych ed teacher for a pretty high level therapy program and you probably get paid a lot to do this shit and therefore have the privilege of finding another job.

OH! did forgot to mention that there also a lot of ableist jokes against autism being thrown around in process time today and everyday it was really loud and overstimulating and I wasn't allowed to have my headphones at all the whole time despite them knowing I'm autistic and deal with overstimulation.

And also someone got the whole group to gang up on another patient over some drama that happened between them, and he couldn't even speak up about it because "oh, she was just processing! you're invalidating her!" (and fyi, this was during the transition period between psych ed and processing, so no she was not processing). Man do I feel so bad for him, because he did not deserve that..

And just in general I was being completely ignored by everyone, getting interrupted and being told to be quiet because "they need to process and you're interrupting them." BITCH FUCK YOU, YOU'RE THE ONE INTERRUPTING THEM WITH STUPID AND OFF-TOPIC CONVERSATIONS, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO SHUT UP???

So yeah, I dropped out after all that shit happened.

I fucking hate therapy so much, I had literally tried EVERYTHING and yet nothing got better. If anything, I actually feel so much worse and I became more toxic to the people around me as the years went by.

What's the point in even trying anymore if I'm never gonna get better in the first place??

I'm contemplating just quitting therapy in general and sticking to just mindlessly scrolling on the internet for the rest of my life, I'm fucking worthless anyway.

Fuck this, fuck therapy, fuck mental health, fuck it all. These fucking bitch asses do not know ANYTHING.

Oh, unrelated, but it's tony crynight's birthday, but I'm not gonna celebrate this year because I'm still in a split with him.

God I hate being mentally ill...

10/11/2024 - 10/12/2024, 12:20 AM

---

You wanna know what's worse than being a sexual assault victim?

Having someone accuse you of being a sexual assault victim when you never had any sexual encounters with anyone in your lifetime (as least nothing physical)

Literally just a few minutes ago, I was getting ready for bed, and the cops came over to my house. At first I thought "oh shit, did a car crash happen" since it's pretty common for accidents to happen at the intersection near my house.

Turns out, someone saw my advertisement saying that I was looking for a relationship (I am still looking for a partner btw, please check out that post if anyone's interested), and got so mad at me wanting to be in a relationship that they reported me to the police telling them that I was assaulted.

I want to make it clear: I was never sexually assaulted, nor do I recall being groomed by any particular person. I am simply a very horny femcel who had unrestricted internet access as a kid. There is no need to call the fucking cops on my ass at 11pm on a friday night because you're mad that I actually want a partner.

I feel like the "anonymous" person who did this was an ex friend that I split from weeks ago because they got all pissy at my vent blog n shit.

So here's my little message to them since they seem to love stalking my account (very long read, sorry):

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Gerard, just leave me the fuck alone Already.

You already ruined what we had when you not only ignored me for SEVERAL MONTHS on end and ignored my every attempt to try and communicate with you in the way I knew how to, but you then only came to me to complain that I was showing mentally ill traits that i can NOT control and traits you KNEW came from years of trauma that distorted my perception of relationships to where I would be willing to put myself in harm's way just to feel loved, and when you reported me to the fucking police, you basically killed any hope of me rebuilding a relationship with you.

Something I learned is that when you finally grow from being a child into being a teen, friendships and connections are very important for your development, and since I was your mostly stereotypical SPED kid with little to no social experience, I never got that, and therefore I idolized every friend I ever had up until I was about 14 years old (and even then I still had a lot of trust in them because I was so dependent on them to keep myself from being isolated forever.)

I believed that you loved me and cared about me for years, when we hung out, it felt like I was in one of those beautiful slice-of-life animes where the main character is having the best experience they could ever have. I was happy. The only exception to that was when I first developed a crush on Skyler and therefore developed homicidal thoughts against you (I didn't know it wasn't normal until years later), but even then, she got me to open up to you and love you again.

And guess what you did?

you took that trust, the trust of a venerable person with no social skills, and you just threw it out the window, like it was never important to anyone. And that fucking hurts honestly.

If i'll be honest, if I really was groomed like you are having everyone believe, then you are the groomer. You did this to me.

Just admit what has been exposed already and what everyone knows: you do not care about me or my wellbeing, you NEVER cared at all now that I think about it, and if you think that I still care for you after what you done, oh boy are you delusional (and not in the mentally ill way either). I wouldn't care if you died atp, you mean nothing to me anymore. I do not love you. If anything, I hate you.

I know there is nothing I can say to change your mind on me, but honestly, I fucking hate you, and I should've never trusted you.

I hope you fucking rot in hell you asshole. Thanks to your dumbass, my whole family now thinks that someone raped me or some shit, and it's probably on my legal record now too.

Just block me already and never try to contact me. I never want to see you again.

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