10/3/2024 (decided To Start Putting Dates On My Stuff Cause Fuck It)

10/3/2024 (decided to start putting dates on my stuff cause fuck it)

Okay, so I just got back from my manifestation hearing.

I didn't pass, they didn't determine my disability as the cause of what happened (check some of my older posts for context), but for some reason they didn't expel me.

But tbh, they might as well have, because ooh boy did they lose my fucking trust in them, and also my parents trust.

So, my mom brought in some paperwork that had the disorders that I was diagnosed with, and a majority of them are provisional. And during the hearing, they were bringing up my disorders as a possible cause of what happened.

Here's where things start to get really fucked up.

Not only did they refuse to acknowledge the provisional diagnoses, but when my mom tried to mention them to the people at the meeting, they immediately shut her down. And also, they acknowledged the trauma I had to deal with, but refused to connect that to what happened, basically their way of saying that my trauma doesn't affect me. They only acknowledged the autism and ADHD, even though neither of those disorders had any relation to what happened.

AND IT GETS WORSE.

They also mentioned a comment I made to my special education teacher during a split, and how by coincidence the new paraprofessional* had won my trust and therefore I liked her more, and it's made me realize something:

*I've now remember that Mr. Gonzales was a paraprofessional and not a teacher so I apologize for that.

That sped teacher was probably so jealous that she lost my trust and I turned towards that new paraprofessional instead of her, that she's wanting to try and get me expelled so I can "feel the same pain she did" (i'll get into that later), and that was why she agreed when everyone said that what happened wasn't because of my disability and it was because I wanted to get out of school (their words not mine).

All because she ignored me when I asked for help on an assignment about a month or two ago.

Okay, so setting aside the obvious fact that they probably violated an ADA law by flat out ignoring the diagnosed disorders I had, the fact that my school hated me this bad over ONE threat that's probably never gonna happen again, genuinely upsets me.

I don't give a fuck what their "pOLiciES" are, but you do not pretend to care about me and then throw me away when my mental health gets so bad to the point I develop homicidal ideation.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN A FLAT OUT THREAT EITHER, I literally just told my therapist "hey, I'm having homicidal thoughts and need to address it before something happens.", and because I pulled out scissors so that I could remove a potential weapon, they took it as a threat and are punishing me for trying to avoid a genuinely serious situation.

Also, what was going on in their mind when they didn't even acknowledge the provisional diagnoses when the mentions of my disabilities came up?? They KNEW I have bpd and they KNEW it affected my perception of relationships, yet for some reason they only acknowledged the autism and ADHD because they believe that my other disorders aren't real because of the provisional label (and I can't a full BPD diagnosis until I'm 18 cause of the laws where I live but that doesn't mean it's not there).

And the fact that the fucking sped teacher literally let HER emotions about me influence her fucking job as a teacher genuinely baffles me.

If a teacher lets their emotions get in the way of their job and therefore risk the wellbeing of their students, they shouldn't even BE a teacher in the first fucking place.

Honestly idk what else to say anymore...

Fuck Colorado Early Colleges, fuck Mrs. McGregor, and her dumbass kid too. They're all pieces of shit for doing this to me, and they deserve whatever happens to them. I pray for their downfall as much as I pray for Widefield's downfall.

I'm definitely showing this to my therapist next monday, and let's just say my parents aren't having me go back to that school anymore after all this.

(reblog cause it refused to give me the tag I wanted)

Is it bad that I'm starting to feel less interested in tony crynight?

I remember just a few years ago, I used to get all excited and nearly break something just by seeing that they posted on youtube.

Nowadays, whenever I see something he posted, I just think "oh cool." Before going back to whatever I'm doing. No emotions pop up for me, I don't feel a rush of adrenaline that a person feels when they get excited... nothing.

it's actually making me feel pretty worried honestly because i don't even know why I'm feeling like this, it just kind of happened. And I feel like absolute dog shit about it.

Maybe it's because Tony messaged me on tiktok once or twice and then suddenly stopped and now I'm starting to believe that he hates me and it's causing me to split from him?? Or maybe it's the racist dog video making me believe that he wants me dead cause i'm gay??? fuck...

Maybe I should stop relying on big content creators for attention and affection and risking them being accused of grooming if they decide to give me attention.

Not like they give a fuck about me anyway.

THIS. ENTIRE. FUCKING. POST. ALL THE WAY.

And what's worse is when someone who's been deemed as a horrible person by the rest of society becomes your fp, it makes you lose more of your friends, it makes you split from people more frequently, it completely dysregulates you when you see people talk shit about them, and it's fucking hell.

And oh good lord, the popular FPs have to be the WORST!

I can't get a single bit of attention from either of my FPs because they have such a massive following that I'm completely miniscule to them, and it drives me fucking insane to the point I am willing to threaten to kill myself to them just for a glimpse of that attention.

And when they DO give you that attention, It gives you this heavy and sensatiable euphoria that feels so good.... For like 5 minutes. AND IT NEVER FEELS ENOUGH EITHER, WHICH IS FUCKED UP.

I hate how people forget how INTENSE our feelings can be and how far we're willing to go just for some basic love and attention, and I hate how we get treated like shit for it too.

Being abandoned by the people you love feels like death, and getting attached to someone feels like being reborn.

bpd is actually so crazy i cannot tell you how genuinely intense everything feels.

i get so, so upset during episodes over the smallest of things. it isnt just "oh im sad" either its fucking cutting myself, wanting to die, hyperventilating and begging and pleading and making a plan to kill myself because what im feeling genuinely seems like the end of the world. theres a void inside of me that can only be filled by a love so intense that it drives me to insanity. i will overeat, spend unnecessarily, hurt myself, cling and depend on people who give me the slightest bit of attention, send suggestive things of myself to others, and put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something. that void can only ever be truly filled by an fp. without one, i feel so, so empty. i truly feel like im nothing without them. their whole existence, getting to see and talk to them everyday, getting to be with them, is the whole reason that i continue to survive. the moment theyre gone, even for five minutes, its back to nothingness. i cannot feel without them, i physically cannot bring myself to. but having a fp is so, so painful. their mood determines mine. how they treat me will determine how i feel. everyone else compared to them feels miniscule and unimportant. i could be seriously harmed by another person or admired by another person and it wouldnt matter, because the only person whos opinion of me matters is my fp. i would cut off all of my friends just to be with them and them only. i would do anything to stay with them. and when they leave, you have to understand that my whole purpose has been torn away from me. my whole reason for continuing to live gets fucking ripped away from me. and when they ignore me? i put myself in dangerous situations, i hurt myself, just so theyll come and find me and save me, take care of me, feel bad for me. i try to make them feel the same pain they make me feel by ignoring them, purposely triggering them, trying to get back at them. i hate them, because what could be more important to you than me? i put you above all else, why cant you do the same? nobody else, nothing else, should be more important or as important than me, because thats how i feel about you. and fuck, it hurts so bad knowing my partners will never feel as intensely for me as i will for them, unless im their fp. it hurts knowing that theyll truly never feel the same level of obsession and want for me that i feel for them. that theyll never be able to fully return those feelings. but its so hard being mutual fps with someone. it drives you insane. it can lead to horrid situations.

bpd is so, so hard. i hate this disorder.

THIS!

I fucking HATE the manditory report system so much, because the MINUTE I expressed that I was having homicidal thoughts against my teacher to my therapist, she had to report me because I was she needed me to talk to my counselors at school about it, and when I spoke to them, THEY CALLED THE FUCKING COPS AND SUSPENDED ME BECAUSE I PULLED OUT A PAIR OF SCISSORS WHEN THEY FUCKING ASKED ME ABOUT WEAPONS, AND THEY DEEMED THAT AS ME THREATENING HIM EVEN THOUGH I NEVER EXPRESSED PLANS TO DO JACK SHIT TO HIM.

AND NOW I HAVE TO DO A MANIFESTATION HEARING AND IF I DON'T PASS I'M GOING TO GET EXPELLED.

What's genuinely fucked up about this situation is that how it all happened because school was deteriorating so badly to the point I was barely taking care of myself, and my bitch ass teacher decided to degrade me over it.

Fuck you mr. Gonzales. You know what you did and I'm tired of you playing the victim card over it. You KNEW this was gonna happen if you did that, yet you did it anyway.

The stigma surrounding homicidal ideation is genuinely fucking awful, and just the stigma surrounding mental illness in general.

As someone with violent and even homicidal ideation, I think the choices people make are far more indicative of their moral character than anything else.

Thoughts mean nothing. Thoughtcrimes don't exist, especially because what we think is out of our control. If you're not running around hurting people or advocating for others hurting people, then you're fine. For the love of fuck stop stigmatizing mental illnesses and and the unsavory symptoms some of them tend to have.

People can't help it whether they have intrusive thoughts or even fantasize about violence. It doesn't mean we're going to do it. I'm not going to apologize for my symptoms nor does someone finding them off-putting give them a license to be ableist/sanist about it.

10/4/2024, 10:18 p.m.

I'm starting to resent Tony Crynight and I'm hating it.

So, Tony is my "special interest", and for years, I idolized him and loved him. I made a lot of fanart for him, I made several discord servers of him over the years, HELL, I MADE A WHOLE ASS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ABOUT HIM AND PRESENTED IT TO THE CLASS BECAUSE I WANTED OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM!

And now.. I'm losing those feelings for him.

I'm starting to feel less excited about his posts, I stopped talking about him as much, stopped watching his videos...

And I'm starting to feel like it's killing me slowly, like i'm losing my personality.

And I think I know why this is happening.

Tony had sent me DMs expressing how "grateful" he is to have me as a fan, and he's replied to my comments before on his page, Hell, he's even said that he liked a meme drawing I did of him. He gave me his attention and affection. 

And then one day it just stopped. And he acted as if I never existed in the first place. 

He abandoned me. He threw me away...

And I hate him for that.

I also think that he probably wants me dead because of an old video he made all the way back in 2014, long before I became a fan of him, even if his views on gay people having since changed. But what difference would his political views make on his opinion of me? He probably thinks I'm annoying as shit and he probably wishes I didn't exist.

But, for some reason, I can't let him go.

He's been a part of my life since 2018, and everyone knows me as the autistic tony crynight fan, by my parents, by my friends, by everyone.

If I leave Tony, that would mean I no longer am the autistic tony crynight fan, and if I'm not that, then who am I...? 

I can't take it anymore. I need him to pay attention to me. 

I need him, as much as I hate him.

I hate you, @tonycrynight....

getting sexual attention from older men >>> (I never actually had a sexual encounter with an older man but I want to tbh cause nobody around my age is my type anyway so fuck it) /nbr

hypersexual + bpd culture is pleeeease give me sexual attention pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase i need it PLEAAAAAASSSSEEEEEEEE its the only thing that makes me feel anything PLEA-

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