Bpd Stuff - Tumblr Posts

your tone changed your tone changed your tone changed just say you hate me

i don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm scared, I don't want to do anything. I don't have a strong passion. Maybe I'm not even a real person.

Just let me curl up in a bed and sleep for an eternity...

Hell

learned that lesson the hard way.

just a reminder that it is not normal to think of ways to kys whenever an inconvenience occurs

One thing that genuinely pisses me off is how my dad will constantly point out me, my sister, and my mom's shortcomings and be so quick to blame us for it, yet when we point out his shortcomings that are genuinely harmful, all of a sudden he's "being invalidated", and that we "hurt his feelings" and shit, AND HE DOESN'T EVEN CONSIDER HOW WE FEEL EITHER WHICH FUCKING SUCKS!

Literally just today my parents were arguing about how my mental health was affecting my ability to attend school, and he's over there saying "oh, we should put [him] in a boarding school", "[he]'s doing this on purpose" yap yap yap, basically blaming me for all of this shit. (I put m pronouns in the brackets cause he was misgendering me the whole time btw)

And then I go an step out to get something, he calls me over, and basically just starts shaming me (in front of my mom an sister btw) for getting suspended and sharing how I feel about mr. Gonzales n shit, and when my mom tried to explain and elaborate on something to him, he completely blew her off.

And my mom (bless her heart btw) was literally trying to defend this asshole because she loves him, like a lot, and I feel bad that she has to put up with this tbh.

"he didn't know, he's trying his best" Not only does he know, HE'S SAYING THESE THINGS IN THE MOST DEGRADING MATTER POSSIBLE JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD FOR GETTING SUSPENDED, AND I JUST SJFJKFHERUFERFHR /NEG

Also, I accidentally bought $20 worth of shit on Thursday because he gave me his credit card to buy a soda, and he got in trouble for letting me go out and spend that much, and instead of holding himself accountable, he decides to drag it to today (TWO DAYS LATER) and complain about him "being thrown under the bus", like I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE THE 50 SOMETHING YEAR OLD MAN BEING PUT IN CHARGE OF MYFINACIALLY IRRESPONSIBLE MENTALLY ILL ASS, YOU WERE THE ONE THAT GAVE ME THE FUCKING CREDIT CARD AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO STOP ME.

and oh man am I getting genuinely tired of his fucking trauma dumping.

He talks about how his mental health and how angry he is at something, yet when we have the AUDACITY to try and talk about how WE feel, instead of taking the time to listen and understand, he basically dismisses us and does this thing I personally call "fake praising" (which is basically when he gives someone praise but it's in such a condescending and almost sarcastic tone to where it doesn't feel like genuine praise at all), and even straight up invalidates us n shit, it's fucking infuriating man.

And the fucked up part? whenever my mom does these things, all of a sudden it's this horrible abusive thing and that he's a selfish bitch, which upsets me because unlike him, she doesn't have as much control over it (though she's working on it), and both she and I have BPD, which makes this even more fucked up because he's so quick to judge us for the same shit he does just because we have a mental illness we can't control.

It infuriates me so much how he's quick to dismiss other people's struggles and sometimes tell them it's their fault, and then the minute he receives ANY amount of criticism against genuinely shitty actions, all of a sudden he's a victim?? FUCK THAT!

I'd say he has a big ego and it's becoming an issue, but i don't want to give the NPD community any shit (since they already got so much stigma on their hands), and I'm not gonna say he's faking any of this either, cause that's not okay, but he REALLY heeds to get a therapist to talk to instead of dumping his issues on the rest of his family.

OH! did I forget to mention he makes weird comments bout my body without my consent anytime I dress alternatively, and he's told me in the past that I have an "athlete's body"? Yeah, kind of weird..

He does ALL of this, and yet still wonders why I hate him.

man is it infuriating...

EDIT: forgot to mention that he doesn't even go to my appointments, nor has he even MET my therapist, or any of that shit, so he has no right to even talk about my mental health like that.

Also, he's extremely invasive about how my medications are working and if I took them n shit, and he says it's "so I can know if my coworker Brian can be prescribed them".

like first off the medications working bit is something for my doctor to ask, not you, second off, I get if you're reminding me, but for you to basically come at me and yell at me for not taking them and then acting like I got angry because I didn't take those medications because "I can tell that you're off them", and third off, if Brian really wanted to talk about my medications so that he can speak with his doctor about it, he should talk with me directly so that he can know first hand how it works and what the side effects are, he doesn't need to have my dad (who has no knowledge about mental health medications whatsoever) come and ask invasive questions about my medications and risk spreading harmful misinformation that's gonna get him killed.

Let's just say I'm probably gonna have him talk to my therapist on my behalf so that he actually, yknow, LEARNS NOT TO BE A FUCKING DICK TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM??

EXACTLY!

And yet the schools choose to ban phones....

Never though my mom would be able to simultaneously agree with me on something, but damn.

I vented on an online assignment about my hopelessness for the future (cause technically it was kind of related to what the assignment prompt was supposed to be, so fuck it), and in it I mentioned how it's highly likely that I'm probably gonna die via a school shooting because of how many there have been in the past while. By pure coincidence, another school shooting was talked about on the news right before I did that assignment.

Yesterday while I was getting evaluated to see if I could come back to school next week, the assignment was brought up, and they specifically mentioned the part about the school shootings, and idk what went through my mom's mind, but let's just say I'm pretty sure it opened her eyes up to what I as experiencing (partially).

I say this because she was talking to my dad about it, and she mentioned how she understood where I was coming from and that it wasn't a huge surprise I was feeling this hopeless, and honestly I wholeheartedly agree with her.

It disturbs me so much how there's millions of kids out there that have been killed, yet for some stupid reason, not only do the actively refuse to pass gun restrictions that could save lives while still keeping the 2nd amendment intact, they are instead blaming every problem that this country has on the the LGBTQ, POC, people in 3rd world countries, the disabled, the mentally ill, trans people, the homeless--LITERALLY EVERYHTING AND EVERYONE BUT THE ACTUAL ISSUE, AND HONESTLY IT'S NO SURPRISE AT ALL WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL THEMSELVES, THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE BECUASE SOME RICH FUCKS WOULD RATHER SHOVE MONEY UP THEIR ASS THAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHOOTING CRISIS WE GOT!!!

Honestly, fuck the school system, fuck the constitution, fuck America, fuck everyone, I can't take it anymore, and I wish there was something worth living for.

Oh well, let's just go back to school next week and pretend like everything's okay for the next fucking several months until I can finally drop out and live the rest of my life as a NEET living in my parent's house at 30 something years old i guess..

(reblog cause it refused to give me the tag I wanted)

Is it bad that I'm starting to feel less interested in tony crynight?

I remember just a few years ago, I used to get all excited and nearly break something just by seeing that they posted on youtube.

Nowadays, whenever I see something he posted, I just think "oh cool." Before going back to whatever I'm doing. No emotions pop up for me, I don't feel a rush of adrenaline that a person feels when they get excited... nothing.

it's actually making me feel pretty worried honestly because i don't even know why I'm feeling like this, it just kind of happened. And I feel like absolute dog shit about it.

Maybe it's because Tony messaged me on tiktok once or twice and then suddenly stopped and now I'm starting to believe that he hates me and it's causing me to split from him?? Or maybe it's the racist dog video making me believe that he wants me dead cause i'm gay??? fuck...

Maybe I should stop relying on big content creators for attention and affection and risking them being accused of grooming if they decide to give me attention.

Not like they give a fuck about me anyway.

It's actually kinda funny how one minute I could be casually scrolling through Tumblr and next thing I know it's like 8pm and I have to do a suicide threat assessment because I have to do a manifestation hearing for the homicide threat I made against my teacher on Thursday and there's a high chance I'm gonna get expelled and it's making me feel like everyone's gonna hate me and that my dad's gonna kick me out of the house for it.

Fuck you American school system. :3

Anyway I'm starting Intensive outpatient therapy next week and I get the rest of the semester off of school (if they decide not to expel me), so ye :p

''Doesn't know what it's like to receive love''

Hehe real /nsrs

I’ll kms sooner than I’ll find a job

THIS. ENTIRE. FUCKING. POST. ALL THE WAY.

And what's worse is when someone who's been deemed as a horrible person by the rest of society becomes your fp, it makes you lose more of your friends, it makes you split from people more frequently, it completely dysregulates you when you see people talk shit about them, and it's fucking hell.

And oh good lord, the popular FPs have to be the WORST!

I can't get a single bit of attention from either of my FPs because they have such a massive following that I'm completely miniscule to them, and it drives me fucking insane to the point I am willing to threaten to kill myself to them just for a glimpse of that attention.

And when they DO give you that attention, It gives you this heavy and sensatiable euphoria that feels so good.... For like 5 minutes. AND IT NEVER FEELS ENOUGH EITHER, WHICH IS FUCKED UP.

I hate how people forget how INTENSE our feelings can be and how far we're willing to go just for some basic love and attention, and I hate how we get treated like shit for it too.

Being abandoned by the people you love feels like death, and getting attached to someone feels like being reborn.

bpd is actually so crazy i cannot tell you how genuinely intense everything feels.

i get so, so upset during episodes over the smallest of things. it isnt just "oh im sad" either its fucking cutting myself, wanting to die, hyperventilating and begging and pleading and making a plan to kill myself because what im feeling genuinely seems like the end of the world. theres a void inside of me that can only be filled by a love so intense that it drives me to insanity. i will overeat, spend unnecessarily, hurt myself, cling and depend on people who give me the slightest bit of attention, send suggestive things of myself to others, and put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something. that void can only ever be truly filled by an fp. without one, i feel so, so empty. i truly feel like im nothing without them. their whole existence, getting to see and talk to them everyday, getting to be with them, is the whole reason that i continue to survive. the moment theyre gone, even for five minutes, its back to nothingness. i cannot feel without them, i physically cannot bring myself to. but having a fp is so, so painful. their mood determines mine. how they treat me will determine how i feel. everyone else compared to them feels miniscule and unimportant. i could be seriously harmed by another person or admired by another person and it wouldnt matter, because the only person whos opinion of me matters is my fp. i would cut off all of my friends just to be with them and them only. i would do anything to stay with them. and when they leave, you have to understand that my whole purpose has been torn away from me. my whole reason for continuing to live gets fucking ripped away from me. and when they ignore me? i put myself in dangerous situations, i hurt myself, just so theyll come and find me and save me, take care of me, feel bad for me. i try to make them feel the same pain they make me feel by ignoring them, purposely triggering them, trying to get back at them. i hate them, because what could be more important to you than me? i put you above all else, why cant you do the same? nobody else, nothing else, should be more important or as important than me, because thats how i feel about you. and fuck, it hurts so bad knowing my partners will never feel as intensely for me as i will for them, unless im their fp. it hurts knowing that theyll truly never feel the same level of obsession and want for me that i feel for them. that theyll never be able to fully return those feelings. but its so hard being mutual fps with someone. it drives you insane. it can lead to horrid situations.

bpd is so, so hard. i hate this disorder.

10/3/2024 (decided to start putting dates on my stuff cause fuck it)

Okay, so I just got back from my manifestation hearing.

I didn't pass, they didn't determine my disability as the cause of what happened (check some of my older posts for context), but for some reason they didn't expel me.

But tbh, they might as well have, because ooh boy did they lose my fucking trust in them, and also my parents trust.

So, my mom brought in some paperwork that had the disorders that I was diagnosed with, and a majority of them are provisional. And during the hearing, they were bringing up my disorders as a possible cause of what happened.

Here's where things start to get really fucked up.

Not only did they refuse to acknowledge the provisional diagnoses, but when my mom tried to mention them to the people at the meeting, they immediately shut her down. And also, they acknowledged the trauma I had to deal with, but refused to connect that to what happened, basically their way of saying that my trauma doesn't affect me. They only acknowledged the autism and ADHD, even though neither of those disorders had any relation to what happened.

AND IT GETS WORSE.

They also mentioned a comment I made to my special education teacher during a split, and how by coincidence the new paraprofessional* had won my trust and therefore I liked her more, and it's made me realize something:

*I've now remember that Mr. Gonzales was a paraprofessional and not a teacher so I apologize for that.

That sped teacher was probably so jealous that she lost my trust and I turned towards that new paraprofessional instead of her, that she's wanting to try and get me expelled so I can "feel the same pain she did" (i'll get into that later), and that was why she agreed when everyone said that what happened wasn't because of my disability and it was because I wanted to get out of school (their words not mine).

All because she ignored me when I asked for help on an assignment about a month or two ago.

Okay, so setting aside the obvious fact that they probably violated an ADA law by flat out ignoring the diagnosed disorders I had, the fact that my school hated me this bad over ONE threat that's probably never gonna happen again, genuinely upsets me.

I don't give a fuck what their "pOLiciES" are, but you do not pretend to care about me and then throw me away when my mental health gets so bad to the point I develop homicidal ideation.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN A FLAT OUT THREAT EITHER, I literally just told my therapist "hey, I'm having homicidal thoughts and need to address it before something happens.", and because I pulled out scissors so that I could remove a potential weapon, they took it as a threat and are punishing me for trying to avoid a genuinely serious situation.

Also, what was going on in their mind when they didn't even acknowledge the provisional diagnoses when the mentions of my disabilities came up?? They KNEW I have bpd and they KNEW it affected my perception of relationships, yet for some reason they only acknowledged the autism and ADHD because they believe that my other disorders aren't real because of the provisional label (and I can't a full BPD diagnosis until I'm 18 cause of the laws where I live but that doesn't mean it's not there).

And the fact that the fucking sped teacher literally let HER emotions about me influence her fucking job as a teacher genuinely baffles me.

If a teacher lets their emotions get in the way of their job and therefore risk the wellbeing of their students, they shouldn't even BE a teacher in the first fucking place.

Honestly idk what else to say anymore...

Fuck Colorado Early Colleges, fuck Mrs. McGregor, and her dumbass kid too. They're all pieces of shit for doing this to me, and they deserve whatever happens to them. I pray for their downfall as much as I pray for Widefield's downfall.

I'm definitely showing this to my therapist next monday, and let's just say my parents aren't having me go back to that school anymore after all this.

10/4/2024

--

So, I have some good news!

Not only am I not getting expelled, but I just learned that I'm also gonna graduate! (Despite how long I've been out of school) And also I finally got the papers needed to get into my intensive outpatient!

I guess my school just got so worried about getting sued after the shit they said at the manifestation hearing that they decided to graduate me early lmao

Anyway, to celebrate my victory, I made myself some battery acid :3

10/4/2024, 10:18 p.m.

I'm starting to resent Tony Crynight and I'm hating it.

So, Tony is my "special interest", and for years, I idolized him and loved him. I made a lot of fanart for him, I made several discord servers of him over the years, HELL, I MADE A WHOLE ASS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ABOUT HIM AND PRESENTED IT TO THE CLASS BECAUSE I WANTED OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM!

And now.. I'm losing those feelings for him.

I'm starting to feel less excited about his posts, I stopped talking about him as much, stopped watching his videos...

And I'm starting to feel like it's killing me slowly, like i'm losing my personality.

And I think I know why this is happening.

Tony had sent me DMs expressing how "grateful" he is to have me as a fan, and he's replied to my comments before on his page, Hell, he's even said that he liked a meme drawing I did of him. He gave me his attention and affection. 

And then one day it just stopped. And he acted as if I never existed in the first place. 

He abandoned me. He threw me away...

And I hate him for that.

I also think that he probably wants me dead because of an old video he made all the way back in 2014, long before I became a fan of him, even if his views on gay people having since changed. But what difference would his political views make on his opinion of me? He probably thinks I'm annoying as shit and he probably wishes I didn't exist.

But, for some reason, I can't let him go.

He's been a part of my life since 2018, and everyone knows me as the autistic tony crynight fan, by my parents, by my friends, by everyone.

If I leave Tony, that would mean I no longer am the autistic tony crynight fan, and if I'm not that, then who am I...? 

I can't take it anymore. I need him to pay attention to me. 

I need him, as much as I hate him.

I hate you, @tonycrynight....

As a self-proclaimed Yandere with BPD (though i don't talk about it for some reason), I'mma have to agree wholeheartedly with this.

I feel like the only people who should identify as a yandere are the people who've actually had to deal with the experience that's often associated with yandere behavior (as you mentioned)

The only exception I'll make is Ayano Aishi from Yandere simulator, but mainly because she's extremely BPD coded and I headcanon her as someone with BPD.

God I hate neurotypicals sometimes...

I feel saying you’re a self proclaimed “yandere” is fetishizing mental illness

The term yandere is literally based on bpd and being obsessive

Unlike people who are a self proclaimed “yandere” I can’t fucking help it

It isn’t a cute and quirky thing it’s a genuine mental illness that has been warped to a media stereotype and romanized the shit out of

10/7/2024

So, i went to my first iop appointment today, and let's just say that I think that not only did I learn nothing, but everyone fucking hates me.

We only did like one psych-ed thing (basically the part of the therapy where you actually learn shit), and I didn't even learn that much from it either. The teacher was just boring as shit and it made it extremely difficult to engage in anything. (And luckily we didn't have to do much, all we had to do was just write shit down on the assignment)

And then we have the other issue of me getting completely blown off and ignored and I'm just sitting there like "are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong?? " AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SHARE ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESSING TIME EITHER WHICH IS FUCKED UP. (Processing is basically where we get to talk about what's been going on with our lives n shit. It's confusing, I know)

Literally, someone was sharing that they feel like everyone hates them and is secretly making fun of them n shit, and I related to that, so I raised my hand (because I didn't want to interrupt them since that's just rude), and everyone fucking blew me off.

So I literally had to sit there in a puddle of my own thoughts and force myself to keep quiet, which genuinely pisses me off honestly because everyone was acting like I didn't even exist and it feels like that they hate me already, EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY BEEN THERE FOR ONE DAY.

Maybe it was because I didn't try to talk to anyone? God neurotypicals are just really into this whole "ignoring people on purpose" thing.

Anyway, gonna talk to my therapist about it once I post this. I just really hope this is just a one-time thing and then I can do therapy without any issues.

10/8/2024

I know this is probably gonna result in me losing a lot of people I care about, but I've pretty much came to accept and acknowledge something that I'm finally understanding.

I'm a bad person who does bad things. 

I manipulate people into either staying with me or getting what I want, I make insensitive comments (even if I didn't mean it that way), I don't respect boundaries as much as I want to, I talk about how nobody loves me all the time even if there are people who do love me, I talk about sex and needless drama a lot (even when I'm not supposed to), I'm mean to people when I'm angry, I ignore people on purpose if I find them "boring", HELL, I even use to emotionally abuse my (now ex) boyfriend and then call him the abuser when he tried to speak up about it, knowing damn well that this was damaging his well-being (and I wish i never did fyi, the guilt from the abuse I had done haunts me to this day and I feel like neither me or him can recover from that).

Not to mention that I am an egotistical attention seeker and I like to exploit my own mental health struggles for clout online (and making them worse in the process), sometimes even going as far as over-exaggerating it just so people can give me attention.

I am a major fucking red flag, but for some dumbass reason, people just love to throw on the rose-colored glasses and not only ignore those red flags, but instead blame the victims for what happened and tell me that I am a good person regardless, even though they know the truth about me.

It pisses me off how nobody even understands that I will hurt them, and I have flaws that will affect them, and it also pisses me off how people want to blame the people being hurt by my actions. HELL, EVEN MY THERAPIST IS TELLING ME THIS IS OKAY, WHEN IT'S NOT!

And the fucked up part?

I was doomed to be like this from the start.

I can't change myself because of the fact that a lot of my behavior stems from both my mental illness/disability and the environment I had to grow up in, and also I can't handle criticism for shit. Anytime someone calls me out for my shitty behavior, I tell them that they're a piece of shit and then block them before going on a rant about about how "oh, i'm so misunderstood and I'm trying to be good! please pity me and feed my praise kink for me!!! :(" and then continue to do the shitty behavior in question with no consequences.

I know i'm repeating this a lot, but I am genuinely so upset how behavior like this is so normalized and encouraged. People are being harmed by my actions yet I'm being told it's okay for some reason. They don't even bother to try and address my flaws and hold me accountable for jack shit, and it makes me wonder how far they're willing to go just to defend my actions...

So overall, I'm just stuck in this limbo of being aware I'm a bad person yet never being held accountable for it, and it's basically driving me insane. 

But at the same time, I'm terrified of abandonment, and if I lose the people I genuinely care about over this I'll just go into another crisis and threaten myself again, so I just force myself to take in the praise just to keep me alive.

I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could stop hurting people, it's killing me atp..

I'm not even gonna bother to use tone tags for this because it'll just sound like I'm making this a joke (fuck the people who misuse the /srs tone tag btw), feel free to interpret this however you want. I just needed to get this out of my system before it fucks me over again.

10/9/2024

--

Quick update on the tony crynight situation:

he saw my message and didn't respond. He left me on read.

He knows I'm trying to get his attention and he fucking ignored me. 

Welp, I guess I know now why he won't respond to me.

I want to fucking kill myself so bad rn, he wouldn't even care if I did anyway.

He's too busy giving those pathetic assholes he calls "fans" a lot more attention than me, when I was the one who made several discord servers dedicated to him, made countless pieces of fan art for him, HELL, I EVEN MADE A GOD DAMN SLIDESHOW PRESENTATION AND SHOWED IT TO MY SPEECH AND DEBATE CLASS BACK IN 2023.

And yet.. Despite all of my efforts, nothing...

He doesn't care about me at all, so what's the point in idolizing him anymore..?

I just hope I get groomed so that I can find someone else to get attached to instead...

I wish he actually liked me...