Nozomi-vents - Nozomi Kaizoku's Vent Blog - Tumblr Blog

10/8/2024

I know this is probably gonna result in me losing a lot of people I care about, but I've pretty much came to accept and acknowledge something that I'm finally understanding.

I'm a bad person who does bad things. 

I manipulate people into either staying with me or getting what I want, I make insensitive comments (even if I didn't mean it that way), I don't respect boundaries as much as I want to, I talk about how nobody loves me all the time even if there are people who do love me, I talk about sex and needless drama a lot (even when I'm not supposed to), I'm mean to people when I'm angry, I ignore people on purpose if I find them "boring", HELL, I even use to emotionally abuse my (now ex) boyfriend and then call him the abuser when he tried to speak up about it, knowing damn well that this was damaging his well-being (and I wish i never did fyi, the guilt from the abuse I had done haunts me to this day and I feel like neither me or him can recover from that).

Not to mention that I am an egotistical attention seeker and I like to exploit my own mental health struggles for clout online (and making them worse in the process), sometimes even going as far as over-exaggerating it just so people can give me attention.

I am a major fucking red flag, but for some dumbass reason, people just love to throw on the rose-colored glasses and not only ignore those red flags, but instead blame the victims for what happened and tell me that I am a good person regardless, even though they know the truth about me.

It pisses me off how nobody even understands that I will hurt them, and I have flaws that will affect them, and it also pisses me off how people want to blame the people being hurt by my actions. HELL, EVEN MY THERAPIST IS TELLING ME THIS IS OKAY, WHEN IT'S NOT!

And the fucked up part?

I was doomed to be like this from the start.

I can't change myself because of the fact that a lot of my behavior stems from both my mental illness/disability and the environment I had to grow up in, and also I can't handle criticism for shit. Anytime someone calls me out for my shitty behavior, I tell them that they're a piece of shit and then block them before going on a rant about about how "oh, i'm so misunderstood and I'm trying to be good! please pity me and feed my praise kink for me!!! :(" and then continue to do the shitty behavior in question with no consequences.

I know i'm repeating this a lot, but I am genuinely so upset how behavior like this is so normalized and encouraged. People are being harmed by my actions yet I'm being told it's okay for some reason. They don't even bother to try and address my flaws and hold me accountable for jack shit, and it makes me wonder how far they're willing to go just to defend my actions...

So overall, I'm just stuck in this limbo of being aware I'm a bad person yet never being held accountable for it, and it's basically driving me insane. 

But at the same time, I'm terrified of abandonment, and if I lose the people I genuinely care about over this I'll just go into another crisis and threaten myself again, so I just force myself to take in the praise just to keep me alive.

I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could stop hurting people, it's killing me atp..

I'm not even gonna bother to use tone tags for this because it'll just sound like I'm making this a joke (fuck the people who misuse the /srs tone tag btw), feel free to interpret this however you want. I just needed to get this out of my system before it fucks me over again.

10/7/2024

So, i went to my first iop appointment today, and let's just say that I think that not only did I learn nothing, but everyone fucking hates me.

We only did like one psych-ed thing (basically the part of the therapy where you actually learn shit), and I didn't even learn that much from it either. The teacher was just boring as shit and it made it extremely difficult to engage in anything. (And luckily we didn't have to do much, all we had to do was just write shit down on the assignment)

And then we have the other issue of me getting completely blown off and ignored and I'm just sitting there like "are they mad at me? Did I do something wrong?? " AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SHARE ANYTHING DURING THE PROCESSING TIME EITHER WHICH IS FUCKED UP. (Processing is basically where we get to talk about what's been going on with our lives n shit. It's confusing, I know)

Literally, someone was sharing that they feel like everyone hates them and is secretly making fun of them n shit, and I related to that, so I raised my hand (because I didn't want to interrupt them since that's just rude), and everyone fucking blew me off.

So I literally had to sit there in a puddle of my own thoughts and force myself to keep quiet, which genuinely pisses me off honestly because everyone was acting like I didn't even exist and it feels like that they hate me already, EVEN THOUGH I'VE ONLY BEEN THERE FOR ONE DAY.

Maybe it was because I didn't try to talk to anyone? God neurotypicals are just really into this whole "ignoring people on purpose" thing.

Anyway, gonna talk to my therapist about it once I post this. I just really hope this is just a one-time thing and then I can do therapy without any issues.

As a self-proclaimed Yandere with BPD (though i don't talk about it for some reason), I'mma have to agree wholeheartedly with this.

I feel like the only people who should identify as a yandere are the people who've actually had to deal with the experience that's often associated with yandere behavior (as you mentioned)

The only exception I'll make is Ayano Aishi from Yandere simulator, but mainly because she's extremely BPD coded and I headcanon her as someone with BPD.

God I hate neurotypicals sometimes...

I feel saying you’re a self proclaimed “yandere” is fetishizing mental illness

The term yandere is literally based on bpd and being obsessive

Unlike people who are a self proclaimed “yandere” I can’t fucking help it

It isn’t a cute and quirky thing it’s a genuine mental illness that has been warped to a media stereotype and romanized the shit out of

10/4/2024, 10:18 p.m.

I'm starting to resent Tony Crynight and I'm hating it.

So, Tony is my "special interest", and for years, I idolized him and loved him. I made a lot of fanart for him, I made several discord servers of him over the years, HELL, I MADE A WHOLE ASS POWERPOINT PRESENTATION ABOUT HIM AND PRESENTED IT TO THE CLASS BECAUSE I WANTED OTHER PEOPLE TO KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM!

And now.. I'm losing those feelings for him.

I'm starting to feel less excited about his posts, I stopped talking about him as much, stopped watching his videos...

And I'm starting to feel like it's killing me slowly, like i'm losing my personality.

And I think I know why this is happening.

Tony had sent me DMs expressing how "grateful" he is to have me as a fan, and he's replied to my comments before on his page, Hell, he's even said that he liked a meme drawing I did of him. He gave me his attention and affection. 

And then one day it just stopped. And he acted as if I never existed in the first place. 

He abandoned me. He threw me away...

And I hate him for that.

I also think that he probably wants me dead because of an old video he made all the way back in 2014, long before I became a fan of him, even if his views on gay people having since changed. But what difference would his political views make on his opinion of me? He probably thinks I'm annoying as shit and he probably wishes I didn't exist.

But, for some reason, I can't let him go.

He's been a part of my life since 2018, and everyone knows me as the autistic tony crynight fan, by my parents, by my friends, by everyone.

If I leave Tony, that would mean I no longer am the autistic tony crynight fan, and if I'm not that, then who am I...? 

I can't take it anymore. I need him to pay attention to me. 

I need him, as much as I hate him.

I hate you, @tonycrynight....

10/4/2024

--

So, I have some good news!

Not only am I not getting expelled, but I just learned that I'm also gonna graduate! (Despite how long I've been out of school) And also I finally got the papers needed to get into my intensive outpatient!

I guess my school just got so worried about getting sued after the shit they said at the manifestation hearing that they decided to graduate me early lmao

Anyway, to celebrate my victory, I made myself some battery acid :3

(posting it to my vent account cause idk where else to post it)

And thank you for reminding me of why I don't use Twitter anymore.

It's always something with that shithole of a social media site for fuck sake.

AND YOU WERE LITERALLY SO POLITE ABOUT IT TOO WHICH IS FUCKED UP

Am i in the wrong/genq

And like idk i could be but ugh

10/3/2024 (decided to start putting dates on my stuff cause fuck it)

Okay, so I just got back from my manifestation hearing.

I didn't pass, they didn't determine my disability as the cause of what happened (check some of my older posts for context), but for some reason they didn't expel me.

But tbh, they might as well have, because ooh boy did they lose my fucking trust in them, and also my parents trust.

So, my mom brought in some paperwork that had the disorders that I was diagnosed with, and a majority of them are provisional. And during the hearing, they were bringing up my disorders as a possible cause of what happened.

Here's where things start to get really fucked up.

Not only did they refuse to acknowledge the provisional diagnoses, but when my mom tried to mention them to the people at the meeting, they immediately shut her down. And also, they acknowledged the trauma I had to deal with, but refused to connect that to what happened, basically their way of saying that my trauma doesn't affect me. They only acknowledged the autism and ADHD, even though neither of those disorders had any relation to what happened.

AND IT GETS WORSE.

They also mentioned a comment I made to my special education teacher during a split, and how by coincidence the new paraprofessional* had won my trust and therefore I liked her more, and it's made me realize something:

*I've now remember that Mr. Gonzales was a paraprofessional and not a teacher so I apologize for that.

That sped teacher was probably so jealous that she lost my trust and I turned towards that new paraprofessional instead of her, that she's wanting to try and get me expelled so I can "feel the same pain she did" (i'll get into that later), and that was why she agreed when everyone said that what happened wasn't because of my disability and it was because I wanted to get out of school (their words not mine).

All because she ignored me when I asked for help on an assignment about a month or two ago.

Okay, so setting aside the obvious fact that they probably violated an ADA law by flat out ignoring the diagnosed disorders I had, the fact that my school hated me this bad over ONE threat that's probably never gonna happen again, genuinely upsets me.

I don't give a fuck what their "pOLiciES" are, but you do not pretend to care about me and then throw me away when my mental health gets so bad to the point I develop homicidal ideation.

AND IT WASN'T EVEN A FLAT OUT THREAT EITHER, I literally just told my therapist "hey, I'm having homicidal thoughts and need to address it before something happens.", and because I pulled out scissors so that I could remove a potential weapon, they took it as a threat and are punishing me for trying to avoid a genuinely serious situation.

Also, what was going on in their mind when they didn't even acknowledge the provisional diagnoses when the mentions of my disabilities came up?? They KNEW I have bpd and they KNEW it affected my perception of relationships, yet for some reason they only acknowledged the autism and ADHD because they believe that my other disorders aren't real because of the provisional label (and I can't a full BPD diagnosis until I'm 18 cause of the laws where I live but that doesn't mean it's not there).

And the fact that the fucking sped teacher literally let HER emotions about me influence her fucking job as a teacher genuinely baffles me.

If a teacher lets their emotions get in the way of their job and therefore risk the wellbeing of their students, they shouldn't even BE a teacher in the first fucking place.

Honestly idk what else to say anymore...

Fuck Colorado Early Colleges, fuck Mrs. McGregor, and her dumbass kid too. They're all pieces of shit for doing this to me, and they deserve whatever happens to them. I pray for their downfall as much as I pray for Widefield's downfall.

I'm definitely showing this to my therapist next monday, and let's just say my parents aren't having me go back to that school anymore after all this.

THIS, ALL THE FUCKING WAY.

HOW MANY TIMES DO. I GOTTA TELL THIS TO PEOPLE FOR THEM TO FUCKING LISTEN????

AAAAAAAAAAA /NEG

Stop implying mental disorders are easy to treat and if someone online has a mental disorder they just need to "touch grass" or go to a therapist and boom everything's easily fixed

Stop implying it's their fault for not "trying hard enough to fix themselves"

Stop shaming people who don't want to recover

Stop shaming people who won't go to therapy because they can't access it or they have trauma with therapists

^^^

(probably the last post imma make about this since I don't wanna attract attention from them)

hey jirais please block @foulanddead and @reyinblack , they're likely the ones reporting the community. it's not confirmed and if they are they might not be the only ones, but it's better safe than sorry.

THIS. ENTIRE. FUCKING. POST. ALL THE WAY.

And what's worse is when someone who's been deemed as a horrible person by the rest of society becomes your fp, it makes you lose more of your friends, it makes you split from people more frequently, it completely dysregulates you when you see people talk shit about them, and it's fucking hell.

And oh good lord, the popular FPs have to be the WORST!

I can't get a single bit of attention from either of my FPs because they have such a massive following that I'm completely miniscule to them, and it drives me fucking insane to the point I am willing to threaten to kill myself to them just for a glimpse of that attention.

And when they DO give you that attention, It gives you this heavy and sensatiable euphoria that feels so good.... For like 5 minutes. AND IT NEVER FEELS ENOUGH EITHER, WHICH IS FUCKED UP.

I hate how people forget how INTENSE our feelings can be and how far we're willing to go just for some basic love and attention, and I hate how we get treated like shit for it too.

Being abandoned by the people you love feels like death, and getting attached to someone feels like being reborn.

bpd is actually so crazy i cannot tell you how genuinely intense everything feels.

i get so, so upset during episodes over the smallest of things. it isnt just "oh im sad" either its fucking cutting myself, wanting to die, hyperventilating and begging and pleading and making a plan to kill myself because what im feeling genuinely seems like the end of the world. theres a void inside of me that can only be filled by a love so intense that it drives me to insanity. i will overeat, spend unnecessarily, hurt myself, cling and depend on people who give me the slightest bit of attention, send suggestive things of myself to others, and put myself in dangerous situations just to feel something. that void can only ever be truly filled by an fp. without one, i feel so, so empty. i truly feel like im nothing without them. their whole existence, getting to see and talk to them everyday, getting to be with them, is the whole reason that i continue to survive. the moment theyre gone, even for five minutes, its back to nothingness. i cannot feel without them, i physically cannot bring myself to. but having a fp is so, so painful. their mood determines mine. how they treat me will determine how i feel. everyone else compared to them feels miniscule and unimportant. i could be seriously harmed by another person or admired by another person and it wouldnt matter, because the only person whos opinion of me matters is my fp. i would cut off all of my friends just to be with them and them only. i would do anything to stay with them. and when they leave, you have to understand that my whole purpose has been torn away from me. my whole reason for continuing to live gets fucking ripped away from me. and when they ignore me? i put myself in dangerous situations, i hurt myself, just so theyll come and find me and save me, take care of me, feel bad for me. i try to make them feel the same pain they make me feel by ignoring them, purposely triggering them, trying to get back at them. i hate them, because what could be more important to you than me? i put you above all else, why cant you do the same? nobody else, nothing else, should be more important or as important than me, because thats how i feel about you. and fuck, it hurts so bad knowing my partners will never feel as intensely for me as i will for them, unless im their fp. it hurts knowing that theyll truly never feel the same level of obsession and want for me that i feel for them. that theyll never be able to fully return those feelings. but its so hard being mutual fps with someone. it drives you insane. it can lead to horrid situations.

bpd is so, so hard. i hate this disorder.

Hehe real /nsrs

I’ll kms sooner than I’ll find a job

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

I need someone, anyone, to love me.

Being unlovable hurts.

It's the pain of knowing that noone can ever love me the way I love them.

To love the way I do is to burn and scratch open my skin just to try and show you a part of me.

It's to always wait for something.

WHOOPS I ACCIDENTALLY REBLOGGED THIS TO MY MAIN LMAO

I have like only three moods:

1) I’m god

2) I’m a failure

3) I’m horny

THIS!

I fucking HATE the manditory report system so much, because the MINUTE I expressed that I was having homicidal thoughts against my teacher to my therapist, she had to report me because I was she needed me to talk to my counselors at school about it, and when I spoke to them, THEY CALLED THE FUCKING COPS AND SUSPENDED ME BECAUSE I PULLED OUT A PAIR OF SCISSORS WHEN THEY FUCKING ASKED ME ABOUT WEAPONS, AND THEY DEEMED THAT AS ME THREATENING HIM EVEN THOUGH I NEVER EXPRESSED PLANS TO DO JACK SHIT TO HIM.

AND NOW I HAVE TO DO A MANIFESTATION HEARING AND IF I DON'T PASS I'M GOING TO GET EXPELLED.

What's genuinely fucked up about this situation is that how it all happened because school was deteriorating so badly to the point I was barely taking care of myself, and my bitch ass teacher decided to degrade me over it.

Fuck you mr. Gonzales. You know what you did and I'm tired of you playing the victim card over it. You KNEW this was gonna happen if you did that, yet you did it anyway.

The stigma surrounding homicidal ideation is genuinely fucking awful, and just the stigma surrounding mental illness in general.

As someone with violent and even homicidal ideation, I think the choices people make are far more indicative of their moral character than anything else.

Thoughts mean nothing. Thoughtcrimes don't exist, especially because what we think is out of our control. If you're not running around hurting people or advocating for others hurting people, then you're fine. For the love of fuck stop stigmatizing mental illnesses and and the unsavory symptoms some of them tend to have.

People can't help it whether they have intrusive thoughts or even fantasize about violence. It doesn't mean we're going to do it. I'm not going to apologize for my symptoms nor does someone finding them off-putting give them a license to be ableist/sanist about it.

FASHION JIRAIS DNI /SRS

The thing that really annoys me about the reyinblack situation is how they're the ones telling us to "get help" even though a lot of us are already doing that and are just using tumblr as a way to find a support group n shit.

Rey has this stupid belief that you should cope the way other people cope, and if you don't you're "glamorizing it and influencing others", and it genuinely baffles me how completely ignorant they are surrounding both the topics of jirai kei and mental health as a whole.

since when has anyone in the jirai community ever encouraged anyone to self harm? The only self harm shit I've seen coming from the jirai community are literally people just talking about their own struggles with self harm.

Tbh, the only thing I don't like about my self harm is that whenever I relapse I have to hide it until it heals so that my family doesn't get pissy at me over it (especially my dad, cause he deadass once told me "self harm is stupid", and honestly, wtf), but that's just me. People got their own reasons why they romanticize their own self harm.

And I am putting the emphasis on the "their own" part, because this douchebag really missed that part and I don't think they'd bother to care anyways.

Also, "just get a diary" THIS IS MY DIARY, JACKWAD. My therapist knows that this blog exists, i literally showed it to her to look at. And I start intensive outpatient therapy next week, so idk what you're on about when you say I should "get help."

Speaking of "getting help", I do agree that if someone needs professional help, they should try to get it as soon as possible. Walk in crisis centers exist (at least in Colorado where I'm from)

But regardless of whatever it's for, when someone does get help, it doesn't mean that all of your problems will go away.

it means that you are learning the skills needed to cope with them so that you don't end up doing some genuinely harmful behaviors like drugs or risky sex.

Sometimes getting help means de-escalating from a crisis so that you don't try to kill yourself or others.

Or it could be to help manage some behavioral issues or trauma that you had to deal with.

People get this stupid misconception that the minute you go to the psych ward for a few days or start talking to a therapist, that all of a sudden you're gonna be this mentally stable and happy person who has no issues whatsoever. I've been dealing with the mental health industry for 5 years and yet I still haven't gotten better, if anything I feel fucking worse tbh.

And to add on to that, not everyone has that same kind of access to help. Sometimes parents don't believe their kids are struggling and refuse to get them help, sometimes financial barriers can make it difficult to afford it, lots of things.

Japan (the place where Jirai Kei originated) has a major issue when it comes down to the stigma surrounding mental health and mental illness, and getting help is completely discouraged there. That's where the Jirai Kei community comes in to help destigmatize mental health (while looking cute as shit).

but the part that's gotta piss me off the most regarding this situation is how rey is so upset that different ways to cope exist to the point they're literally reporting blogs and getting them t worded ALL BECUASE NOBODY AGREES WITH WHAT THEY GOTTA SAY.

Sheesh, and people tell ME I can't take criticism...

Anyway, just wanna say that if you see reyinblack anywhere, please report and block them. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM.

Thank you.

I just want to give up I’m tired from the bottom of my fucking soul like I don’t want to do this shit anymore like let me rest please I’ve had enough

''Doesn't know what it's like to receive love''

It's actually kinda funny how one minute I could be casually scrolling through Tumblr and next thing I know it's like 8pm and I have to do a suicide threat assessment because I have to do a manifestation hearing for the homicide threat I made against my teacher on Thursday and there's a high chance I'm gonna get expelled and it's making me feel like everyone's gonna hate me and that my dad's gonna kick me out of the house for it.

Fuck you American school system. :3

Anyway I'm starting Intensive outpatient therapy next week and I get the rest of the semester off of school (if they decide not to expel me), so ye :p

THIS!

Also a good majority of the fuckwads who even say that shit aren't even mentally ill so why the fuck do they care???? They can't even handle someone who has just has suicidal ideation one or two times in their life, let alone someone who's only thoughts are literally suicide and a LONG history of attempts. (Exaggerated that a bit btw, but you get my point)

If I hear that shit come out of someone's mouth again I am actually going to fucking explode /neg

The whole, "K*lling urself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bullshit is spouted by the ignorant lucky ones who have only had temporary problems. Some people's problems are permanent so maybe try offering actual help and support to them rather than regurgitating an overused phrase that means nothing to people with real struggles.

(reblog cause it refused to give me the tag I wanted)

Is it bad that I'm starting to feel less interested in tony crynight?

I remember just a few years ago, I used to get all excited and nearly break something just by seeing that they posted on youtube.

Nowadays, whenever I see something he posted, I just think "oh cool." Before going back to whatever I'm doing. No emotions pop up for me, I don't feel a rush of adrenaline that a person feels when they get excited... nothing.

it's actually making me feel pretty worried honestly because i don't even know why I'm feeling like this, it just kind of happened. And I feel like absolute dog shit about it.

Maybe it's because Tony messaged me on tiktok once or twice and then suddenly stopped and now I'm starting to believe that he hates me and it's causing me to split from him?? Or maybe it's the racist dog video making me believe that he wants me dead cause i'm gay??? fuck...

Maybe I should stop relying on big content creators for attention and affection and risking them being accused of grooming if they decide to give me attention.

Not like they give a fuck about me anyway.

This and also reblogging random shit to my vent blog lmao

getting sexual attention from older men >>> (I never actually had a sexual encounter with an older man but I want to tbh cause nobody around my age is my type anyway so fuck it) /nbr

hypersexual + bpd culture is pleeeease give me sexual attention pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase i need it PLEAAAAAASSSSEEEEEEEE its the only thing that makes me feel anything PLEA-

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