I Hate It I Hate It I Hate It - Tumblr Posts

I had literally 3 hours of sleep, had problems sleeping for some time now and I'm feeling just fine

My "mum" just made a fuss IN PUBLIC about me listening to music in public with two earphones

Ain't that too much?

Why?

I don't really know but like seconds before the fuss, as we were waiting for the tube, she said "let's stop here" on the platform. I stopped and was looking at an upcoming train. And I didn't see her move away a bit. And she almost yelled at me. And that's why she got mad I guess

I don't get it guys

Being clean <<<<<

March 2024 in numbers

Age: will be 21

Height: 166cm

With adaptive parents: 15 years

Horse riding: 15 years

English learning: 15 years

Self-harming: 11 years

In kpop: 9 years

Headache: 5 years

Attempts: 4

Beginning of 2023 in numbers

Age: Will be 20

Height: 166cm

How long with adoptive parents: 14 years

Horse riding: 14 years

English learning: 14 years

Selfharming: 10 years

In kpop: 8 years

Headache: 4 years

Attempts: 2

I don't wanna have boobs!

I wanna be flat

I wanna be a man

I don't do woman

I just don't

I don't want to study

I don't want to go to uni again

I don't have energy for that

When I get better then yes

If

If I get better

But not now

I hate having panic attacks and being anxious and nervous triggered only by one, very simple, and meaningless for others, thing

I'm not even sure what I heard was even real

Yet I panicked

Almost cried

I can't live like that

How I fucking love panic attacks at the uni

How I love going to the bathroom, locking myself in the stall and crying because of the anxiety

How I love picking on my nail skin till I see a nail under and flesh and blood

How I love that

I failed

I failed at work

My boss was mad at me

But he didn't tell me that

My work bestie did

And he was pissed

I can't

I was pretending to be fine with that

I laughed it off

But I'm not fine

Very much not

"Oh, those meds are working for you."

Hah, jokes on you! I don't take them, fucker!

I hate family events, especially when this one, specific uncle is there

He makes me feel so uncomfortable

He keeps looking at my boobs

He keeps making those inappropriate jokes about me

And my "parents" don't give a fuck

My "mum" is even initiating the contact with him.... she makes me talk to him, be next to him

I don't want to

After those inappropriate jokes and words on New Year Eve I don't want it

My phone stopped working while I was at work

It's not showing the screen, only those greenish, blueish lines and only for a spare moment

I'm done with this day

It can't got any worse (it's 11pm so I hope so)

Oh yeah, a "friend" treating me like a dumb bitch who doesn't know what's going on

Thanks, asshole

(I don't know what's going on but no need to act as if I was stupid, slow-witted or smth)

It's been some time

I missed the feeling

I hate when people try to be "comforting" on the internet and just because I put three dots after a word or a sentence (...) they think I need comfort Motherfucker, leave me alone! Mind your own business I don't need your words, hugs or gods know what Fuck you! Not everyone needs to be comforted Fuck you

Disclaimers: My "hey..." is an answer to this person messaging me after some time....we've never been friends, I made that clear in earlier messages

You should have done better

"Why couldn't you score higher?"

"If you keep eating like that you will be fat"

"You can't be responsible with your money"

"Try to care about people"

"Don't show how you feel"

Okay

But don't be surprised that I lock myself in my room

Don't be surprised that I don't want to talk with you

Thay I don't tell you things

TW Throwing up

My body literally decided that yesterday I've eaten too much and made me throw up!

Like

"You've had too many calories today, get rid of them!"

Funny

A girl moving closer to me on the underground because there is a man on her other side >>>>>>

I don't self-harm that often now because:

a) I'm healing, I'm better

b) I sunk deeper into depression that I don't have energy to hide it anymore

Tw for everything

"What will we do after you have an operation"

Funny

What about me? What will I do after the operation? Will I still be alive?

"You should lose weight, everything is going wrong because of your weight."

Thanks

Now I will starve myself even more

"How do you see yourself in the future?"

Dead

You make me want to kill myself even more

You are the fucking reason for everything

Everything is going wrong in my life because of you two.

You shouldn't have taken me from the orphanage

I will rot

I will suffer

I will die

And all thanks to you