I Miss My Family - Tumblr Posts

I miss my family, I love them more than anything

I realized it’s way too late for me to say this, I’ve always been a bad daughter and sister, I never made my parents proud, always fighting with my siblings, taking things for granted, I’m just a stupid, selfish, spoiled, ungrateful little bitch, and I just now realized how much I love my family, it’s only been three days since I moved out, but I miss them so much it hurts, I want to see them, hug them, tell them how much I love them

I miss my dad’s crappy jokes, it’s not even that funny but I always laughing my lungs out every time he made a joke, I miss his big warm hug he always give me when he came home, I miss the times we argued and late at night he always came to apologized to me and kiss me, I miss his scolding and sarcasm, I miss him so much it’s not even funny anymore

I miss my mom’s sweet words when she’s comforting me, I miss her small figure I always hug at random times, I miss kissing her before I went to school, I miss her telling me that it’s going to be alright every time I messed up my grades, that she will always believe in me, I miss her pouting face when all of us ganged up to tease her, i miss her scolding me for not eating, god I just want to see her again

I miss my stupid little brother’s annoying antics, I miss him crying out to me about his school and friends, and then we would talk for hours and make fun of our school, we study at the same school, I miss the times when we had to go home from school alone, I miss his teasing, he always teased me about my height and weight, my fashion sense, my guy friend that he also knows, my favorite character in anime or games, I miss him being noisy while playing online games, and I miss the times he yelled at me for being noisy, he’s at his dorm now and I can’t see him, you could never imagine how much I miss him right now

I miss my selfish little sister’s loud voice when she sings k-pop, in our bedroom, in the shower, everywhere, I miss the time when we were watching the night sky on the roof, I miss singing in a ridiculous duet with her until our brother decided to join us, I miss her always insisting on sleeping on the inner part of the bed and demanding for me to embrace her while she sleeps, I miss the times when we took a bath together, I miss fighting with her over stupid things, I miss her annoying attitude when I don’t give her what she wants, I miss her, so much my chest hurts like crazy

And I know I don’t have the right to say I miss them, after all this years I took everything for granted, I’ve never once grateful of the family I’ve been blessed with, I feel like I don’t deserve a family like this, I know I’m unworthy of my family, but I can’t help but feel like this, every time I saw a couple with their children, my chest starts to hurt, my eyes gets watery and flashbacks hit me, I miss them, and it’s getting worse every second, I want to see them

I don't want your attention, I don't want your pity, I just want to go home Back to the people I love

me right now

Is this like a hive mind thing you think🤔🥰🤣

chaotic⁷

(cr. namuspromised, dwellingsouls, 0613data)

"Good morning! Ijichi said you guys had my shirt cleaned." Jujutsu Kaisen - One Gifset Per Episode - [44] Right & Wrong pt. 3

why it’s so cute when yoongi pretends he doesn’t want hugs from taehyung 😆

So... the interaction with my dad is a good example of difficulties for conversation I think? I should add a disclaimer here that I’m not diagnosed with ADHD or autism, but I believe I may have one or both of these. I also believe that potentially both of my parents may have one or both of these things, but like I said, I haven’t been diagnosed and neither have they. Nevertheless, here is a post about struggling with communication stuff.

Basically, my dad went to the store to get things for a family lunch for tomorrow. I haven’t been feeling well all day (pretty sure it was something I ate), so I set a timer for about half an hour, figuring that if his text notifications woke me, I’d be ready to get up and help him move things in, and if he weren’t back within that time, he’d probably get back soonish, and took a nap.

Oh, boy, that is not what happened.

Yeah, no, for some reason, despite my ringer being on, neither his texts nor my alarm, which I set to a very loud song to make sure I would wake up, woke me. So I woke to the vibration of my alarm about two minutes after it was set to go off to less than pleased text messages about helping him to move stuff, which obviously I had missed by a good twenty minutes. I apologized for it, telling him that I hadn’t realized, and waited a bit. He didn’t respond, and I ended up drifting back to sleep. I know that was irresponsible of me, but I was just so exhausted.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and I’ve always expressed my regret. I really don’t mean to sleep through things. Other times I’ve missed notifications because I was really busy. Regardless, I never just purposefully ignore my parents, and I really do try to be ready to help with unloading groceries from the car or whatever it is they need.

Anyway, this is the part about where taking notes for conversation takes place.

See, my dad has told me multiple times when I was younger not to give him any excuses, just to apologize and move on. So that’s what I’ve been doing. And it’s been hard because despite trying to catalogue what how he says he wants an apology or future interactions or whatever, clearly it doesn’t work that way. In my apology to him this time, I had just texted that I was sorry and hadn’t seen the messages. Later, when he had yelled at me to come downstairs, he demanded to know why I hadn’t elaborated, and I told him: because he said before that he didn’t want excuses.

To which he said he didn’t want excuses (I was correct), but that he wanted an explanation.

...yeah.

So I tried to give him the explanation, which was that I had been laying down because I wasn’t feeling well, etc. etc. that I already wrote. And he was less than understanding. Obviously, I don’t want to lie to him, but he doesn’t understand that when I say, “I don’t feel well,” it doesn’t mean, “oh, no, I stubbed my toe, time for me to be melodramatic.” Usually, it means, “I have felt like I am one belly jolt away from throwing up my entire guts, and I may or may not be getting a migraine.” Unfortunately, I don’t feel well often, and I suppose he thinks that I don’t feel well a little too often. Rest is really the best way for me to feel better, but he disagrees. So I told him the truth, and it only made him more upset. (I always wonder what he would want me to have been doing instead??? Like willfully ignoring him???)

Anyway, point of this is, that even when you think you have taken enough notes on interaction with someone, it’s best to take a few more. I don’t know what would have made it up in this scenario. Obviously, it would have been best if I hadn’t fallen asleep, so that’s on me, but it doesn’t change the fact that his reaction really hurts, scares me, and makes me anxious about sleeping in general, which is something I have issues with. Additionally, it hurts because it means that despite my explanations over the years that I’m not purposefully ignoring him or my mother, that he still thinks I’m just seeing his messages and going, “haha fuck you,” and ignoring him. Which is not the case.

Interacting with people is hard. And sometimes... they just don’t interact well. I’m still trying to figure out a way to explain everything to him, not just for this time but for the future, and I hope I can.

I don’t know what would have made this interaction better other than the not being asleep parts. I tried to do everything he has said to do when I get in trouble in the past (apologize, no excuses, short and to the point, etc.), but apparently, I’m not going to the family lunch tomorrow. Not my choice.

So, to my neurodivergent folk or anyone who struggles with conversations in general, I write this partially to prepare you about how your note taking won’t always work but also because... honestly? Sometimes there’s only so much you can do. Yes, in this case as with other instances, I’ve made a lot of mistakes. There were things I could have done better, as I’ve said. I’m not denying that I am in the wrong for that. And even though I don’t believe it’s wrong to have a monotone voice, I know that it didn’t help my situation that when my parents get mad at me, I can’t seem to get out of it, which I guess makes me sound disinterested or insincere in my apology.

But it doesn’t mean I’m the only one who could have done better. My father’s refusal to acknowledge that I’m not intentionally trying to piss him off, that I really am feeling sick today (and every time I tell him I am), and that I actually do try to be helpful, especially with this task, doesn’t just hurt me. It also hurts him.

And I know that plenty of kids fake sick or exaggerate illness, but you know what? You know whether your kid is like that. My dad has known me for almost 19 years, and even though there have been times that I have felt worse than others, it doesn’t take away from the fact that if I say I don’t feel well, I mean it. It’s not the difference between a scratch and a big illness, it’s the difference between if-I-don’t-rest-now-this-is-going-to-be-a-migraine and I-would-stand-up-if-I-could-but-I-can’t paired with goodbye-breakfast-have-fun-in-the-sewers and goodness knows what else. You know your kid, so please don’t project your own behaviors at that age or currently on them.

So if you are like me, or if you are like my father, please take this to heart. With every argument, there’s hurt on both sides, sometimes for different reasons, but in my experience, there are ways to address most of the issues so long as both parties are willing to.

And if there were any doubt, I actually did throw up. I threw up after laying on the bathroom floor desperately trying not to. So I guess in the end, it’s probably better that I’m not going to see any family members tomorrow in case I’m actually sick with illness and not food poisoning.

had to stay in wellington instead of going back to christchurch for easter like i usually do. my cousins from australia are over and i NEVER get to see them. and to make me feel less left out my family video called me for the annual easter egg hunt at my grandparents house.

but now they hung up.

and i just feel even sadder