I Miss My Family, I Love Them More Than Anything

I miss my family, I love them more than anything

I realized it’s way too late for me to say this, I’ve always been a bad daughter and sister, I never made my parents proud, always fighting with my siblings, taking things for granted, I’m just a stupid, selfish, spoiled, ungrateful little bitch, and I just now realized how much I love my family, it’s only been three days since I moved out, but I miss them so much it hurts, I want to see them, hug them, tell them how much I love them

I miss my dad’s crappy jokes, it’s not even that funny but I always laughing my lungs out every time he made a joke, I miss his big warm hug he always give me when he came home, I miss the times we argued and late at night he always came to apologized to me and kiss me, I miss his scolding and sarcasm, I miss him so much it’s not even funny anymore

I miss my mom’s sweet words when she’s comforting me, I miss her small figure I always hug at random times, I miss kissing her before I went to school, I miss her telling me that it’s going to be alright every time I messed up my grades, that she will always believe in me, I miss her pouting face when all of us ganged up to tease her, i miss her scolding me for not eating, god I just want to see her again

I miss my stupid little brother’s annoying antics, I miss him crying out to me about his school and friends, and then we would talk for hours and make fun of our school, we study at the same school, I miss the times when we had to go home from school alone, I miss his teasing, he always teased me about my height and weight, my fashion sense, my guy friend that he also knows, my favorite character in anime or games, I miss him being noisy while playing online games, and I miss the times he yelled at me for being noisy, he’s at his dorm now and I can’t see him, you could never imagine how much I miss him right now

I miss my selfish little sister’s loud voice when she sings k-pop, in our bedroom, in the shower, everywhere, I miss the time when we were watching the night sky on the roof, I miss singing in a ridiculous duet with her until our brother decided to join us, I miss her always insisting on sleeping on the inner part of the bed and demanding for me to embrace her while she sleeps, I miss the times when we took a bath together, I miss fighting with her over stupid things, I miss her annoying attitude when I don’t give her what she wants, I miss her, so much my chest hurts like crazy

And I know I don’t have the right to say I miss them, after all this years I took everything for granted, I’ve never once grateful of the family I’ve been blessed with, I feel like I don’t deserve a family like this, I know I’m unworthy of my family, but I can’t help but feel like this, every time I saw a couple with their children, my chest starts to hurt, my eyes gets watery and flashbacks hit me, I miss them, and it’s getting worse every second, I want to see them

Me: *faking smile**faking my feelings**trying to act like nothing is wrong**pushing myself to be mentally stable**hiding my problems so others won't worry**too tired to do anything else* Haaa

Parents: Do something

Parents: You never do anything

Parents: You only think about yourself

Parents: You're such a useless daughter

Parents: I hope I can send you to your aunt instead

Parents: You always disappoint us

Brain: See, even your parents don't want you, they want you to disappear from their life, go die!

im not trying to say i had an unhappy childhood or bad parents – quite the opposite

but i am saying i kinda resent parents that are like this and i pray that the people in my life who become parents don’t act like this

So let me start this by saying that I was always the kid with the weirdly overprotective parents.

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When things got better, I actually felt scared, like I don’t even want it to get better, why must it get better It would be perfect if my world got shettered, I don’t understand myself, I feel wierd, why am I hoping things to get worse? I always told myself to search for someone who would help me, but deep down I realize I’m scared and I don’t want people to know how fucked up I am, maybe, just maybe I don’t want to be saved

Please, please just let me die I want to disappear from this world I don’t want to be me I don’t want to disappoint amd humiliate my parents anymore I don’t want to upset my siblings any further I feel like my friends don’t want to be with me anymore I don’t want to face any other tests or exams Please Why can’t I just end it all I just need one more deep cut One more step and I can fly Just why am I still alive until now

I'm ugly

Me: *see a mirror*

Me: *laughing at my own reflection*

Me: *spit on the mirror*

Me: you're disgusting