Im Screaming And Crying - Tumblr Posts

park jimin in save me.

NOOOOOO FUCK NOOOOOOOOO NOT TODAY PLEASE NOT TODAY

MISTAKES ⛥ KEN RYUGUJI

Genre: Fluff & angst

Warning: Spoilers of the last arc of the manga

A/N: Over 3.8k love letter to the incredible character that Draken is, childhood acquaintances to lovers with a sprinkle of angst and sweet pining.

Likes, reblogs and feedback is greatly appreciated and encouraged ✨

"It would be a miracle being able to forget you."

You thought you know love with the warmth of your mother, at six love changes to the form of water and a fist, to be precise Ken Ryuguji's first, an older boy was being a bully to you in recess, stepping on your crayons, paper, and your lunch box, the boy was trying to throw your water at your hair until Ken rescues you without a problem, hitting him so hard that the liquid splashed everywhere, making sure of telling the boy how much of a dumbass is if he dared to hit someone for being bored. When you said thanks for sticking up for you he laughed scratching his nape.

—Your welcome, I did it because I’m the strongest— watching the tall blond boy with a cute dapper hairstyle you thought that for you he was the strongest person in the world, like a titan against those who wrong you, you show to your Mamma a pretty drawing where a tall stick figure is defending you against a monster.

Ken Ryuguji with his blond hair, big smile, nice height, and good manners that always know the answer when is about numbers; you never thought badly of him, when you forget your bento in class, you can hear the teachers gossiping about him.

— He's not going to get very far— she eats her chicken leaving a stain on the meat thanks to the gloss she's wearing

— What do you expect? have you smelled him? he smells like a love hotel, the brothel smell— they laugh, your mind doesn't comprehend.

What is so funny? "Draken lives in a place where love is? That must be beautiful!? And his smell? What about it? Dada smells the same”.

When you have nine and your Father leaves your mom for another woman that smells like that, you understand what a brothel is. Ken Ryuguji keeps being the best boy you know, the only one who's always polite to you and smiles big when he gets an answer right, so why you would treat him differently no matter how he's raised.

The next memory you have of Ken is at fifth grade, every day he's scolded by the teachers for the tattoo in his head matching with the new bruises he sports every day he talks about someone named Mikey, something in your stomach does a somersault when you lock gazes, the teacher is asking for an explanation but the kid laughs in his face.

No one knows but his eyes and tattoo are the first " serious" sketch you draw in your life.

Two words… Ken Ryuguji… Ken fucking Ryuguji… AKA Draken, you wrote his name in the notebook, with all the force in the world, you could muster using your eraser to delete the proof of your thoughts of him, applying so much strength that the paper was cut in the middle. What is the reason? Why do you do that? You have a crush on the delinquent of the class who only has eyes for the midget called Mikey since you have six...pathetic.

What does Mikey have? That seems to impress almost every man on a ratio of 5 meters, as a modern Pied Piper of Hamlin, taking away freedom in exchange for being part of his stupid bike gang. You feel a presence behind you when you're struggling to do your math exercises.

— Sorry to bother, you have made a mistake there— the voice of your current predicament says kindly; trying to hide your feelings when you look at him as you grip the pencil harder.

Ken fucking Ryuguji, right? With his long dumb blond hair now styled in a braid, stupid black eyes that look like two pots of your favorite black ink, the haori that he seems to have thousands of copies for everyday use, his little crooked teeth when he smiles that make him look more human in comparison to the dragon image that everyone seems to have about him.

— Where?— You attempt to sound open to critics, even with the venom dripping from your voice makes him smile bigger

— Just there, the symbol is not right,— Looking at the notebook, it is easy to find your mistake, your pride is hurt. Why is he so good at math? When you, with all your years of forced Kumon, can't improve.

— Thanks— erasing everything, so he cannot witness more of your flaws

— Hey! It was just a symbol, no need to erase everything,— As you stared at him, he probably realized you didn't want more comments. He took off as quickly as he had come over.

In recess, your best friend is slurping her chocolate milk

—You like him, is so foolish how you act as if you hated him—observing how you try to forget your mistake, calming the beating of your heart

— I don't act as I hate him, what are you talking about?— trying to laugh away your awkwardness

—Babe everyone has a bet on when you are going to kill him with a pencil —You grimaced at the comment as you use the ice-cold bottle of yogurt on your face to feel refreshed, a part in your mind thinks that the chances of that happening are so low.

Hurt Ken? No...Maybe Mikey for being a big baby demanding attention, even if the rumors are right, he could kill you with only his pinkie.

Sighing —I'm a big fool for him— you smile with a trace of gloominess, she looks at the clouds like you have said the sky is blue

—I know, everyone who knows you as much as I could notice, yet this is not Pride and Prejudice you need to show him— you nod.

Exactly one week later, in the shade of a big tree, you confess your feelings. You were startled by a soft drizzle in autumn. He looks at the sky; you glimpse at how his hair has little beads of water, which shines in the cold sun. Your heart beats at the same time as the air exhales from his lungs, knowing how the story is going to end, having read enough books to know rejection.

—You deserve better—is his first sentence in the long statement, your mind is out of your body.

Better? Better than him? What? Who can compete with this man-boy hybrid? You half-listen until he says

—Is just a crush I can assure you when you're older you will not remember the boy with the shaved sides and the dragon tattoo— he tries to light the mood nevertheless the day was ruined, nodding you say thanks for the time he gifted you, not paying attention at how his hand seeks for yours, running away from him, the heavy rain begins, you count that moment as your first mistake.

You begin reading poetry made by other teenagers comparing themselves to sharp objects, they have been broken apart by love. On those shards of glass, you feel connected because loving Ken made you a loser. He left a big wound that even pouring paint on it feels raw like nothing could heal your shattered heart. In that time you encounter Emma Sano understanding everything in the soft way Ken looks at her.

Your mom sighs when you tell her that between sobs

—You are an artist, why you don't capture that feeling— with her advice, you create a worthy paint, almost dissecting your heart to the world, that was the piece that scores you a place in the art program in high school, the piece decorates for two days the hallways of the middle school, so your classmates can appreciate it.

You catch the subject of your heartbreak seeing it, his friend as always alongside him, he gasps in a show of emotion so not him, almost instantly his facial expression changes to a serene mask

—Let's go, Mikey, we are running late—he walks in big strides, said boy looks at the painting

—Kenchin— he says in the softest voice you ever heard in the short one, yet he runs, jumping begging for a piggy ride.

Even at graduation, you don't say goodbye to Ken Ryuguji. You count that as your second mistake.

Talking with your best friend, she tried to get together once in a while between laughs. You remember Ken for the first time in a long time. They say the rain brings memories. In a show of emotion, You ask Hiromi about him. Water is related to Ken in your mind. Even after all those years, the kisses you gift and the hands of other lovers, the ghost touch of the blond boy is the most distinct memory of love for you.

—Uh? Draken? I haven't heard from him in a long time. I don't know...he's not in my high school—You furrow your brows, how can she not know about him,

—Don't tell me you like him even now? —She laughs but gets quiet when sees your effort to laugh it out, asking around the party until someone says something about him.

—That guy is so cool because he has a repair shop now —says one of the boys of your old class, smoking a cigarette —He even left gang life— looking at his jacket.

—You keep being a delinquent?" —He chuckled and nodded

—Yes! I follow the Invincible Mikey in his new gang— you frown, Mikey has a new gang? Adding to that, why in that equation there's no Ken? Clearly a mystery, but you get distracted by life, getting ready to enter college so you could earn a spot in the art program. No one comments on how your paintings got water dragons as central themes.

Hiromi screams, making the people of the restaurant jump at the sudden sound

—She's the next Picasso, Da Vinci, Kahlo, Congratulations on being an Art Major!— she cries as you search for a napkin trying to not let her snot fall on her ramen

—"T-Thanks, Thanks, stop crying, oh my God! you're more excited than I"—Laughing with her boyfriend who’s trying to clean her up until you see him.

The same height, hairstyle, this time without his faithful rhombus' sweater he's chatting with a blond one, two twins who seem to devour their food too, Ken Ryuguji who seems to get caught in the earlier rain, he probably felt your stare because your eyes lock, the world rotates more slowly, a spark of recognition makes his face glow, a big smile breaks, the world spins out of the axis, somewhere on the planet something clicks, the oldest soulmates meets again.

WHAT THE FUCK? Echoing in your mind so hard that you're considering taking the pills in your bag to drown the ache. Sadly the exchange ends there because he stops midairs his wave to you, a sense of a pit of fire in your stomach, he nods his head to you, Hiromi turns around waving too, yet the two worlds don't rotate to each other, your phone rings a perfect excuse to go outside to take the air.

“Hey! I know is not the time to do this but I think we should break up” of course, your life again tumbles apart, and ok is the only thing you can say to your now ex-boyfriend.

Hiromi is waiting with her coat on, what magnificent friend you have, rolling your shoulders you sit slurping your noodles, tears falling free yet your friend doesn't comment, when the waiter comes you ask for another bowl “For university, at least I will study what I love, I don’t care for men” Hiromi nods with you saying cheers even when you guys are drinking plain water. You don’t notice when Ken goes but the time to pay comes, the waiter says a gentleman with a dragon tattoo pays for your meal, the food in your belly roared like lava.

The next summer drowning in self-deprecating thoughts is when you have another encounter with Ken Ryuguji, you are crying (Nothing new there) he's drinking iced green tea spotting you sitting like a sad ragged doll in the park bench, hiding behind an enormous sketchbook ripping paper with a furrowed brow

Some things don't change no matter how many years have passed, he remembers the little girl with pigtails he helped and nos the beautiful person you have bloomed into, he walks not paying attention to the sweat building in his palms or how his breathing is getting faster, the blood circulating to his cheeks he thinks in bikes or something familiar, to not fall against the concrete and do something embarrassing.

You look up, his breath gets caught, he feels like something licks his stomach, a burst of heat, something so warm... familiar, homey; discreetly he cleans his hands on his back and tries to smile non-aggressive. Your eyes open surprised until you remember the sad state you're in because quickly you're cleaning the tears, snot, the deep black charcoal stains.

—Are you alright?—Your name rolls so beautifully on his lips, the sun renders you like an ice pop melting at the trash can, he waits patiently until your brain is connected with your mouth.

—Yes, thank you— the response is so automatic that he doesn't buy that, he asks silently if he can sit with you before you take your thing in your bag he put them in his lap

—Let's try again. How are you?— with only those words forgetting that you haven't seen Ken for years and never been that close to being considered friends you bawl.

There's always something so comforting surrounding Ken, between hiccups you tell him how art school is making you feel the worst, how every day they critique your work and nitpick all the details, the snot falls to your shirt until he offers you his handkerchief with a neat K.R. embroidered. —This looks expensive —You want to clean yourself with the tissue you found in your tote bag.

—Emma gifted them to me— oh! That was unexpected a mask fell into your face you are sure they might be engaged or married until he says

—She’s dead— you don't know if you pass out because of the surprise, the stress, or the empathy for Ken.

When you wake up, you are resting on a futon in the office. Ken is repairing something in the garage, speaking in a hushed voice with another man, He finally sees you. He dismissed his friend who waved saying bye.

— Hey— well that’s awkward; You are offered a seat next to him until he finishes. You have no idea what to say, he opens his lips and begins to tell you about what went wrong years ago. He doesn't cry, but he takes minutes to keep telling you about the deaths, the goodbyes, having to bury a friend and her first crush you listen not once thinking in your feelings just your heart beating in synchrony with Ken’s.

When he finished his tale. He searches for fright in your eyes.

— You were only a child— you say. He laughed and denied you a statement; trying to bring himself down — No, you were a child, no matter how tall or responsible for your age you were, you were a child, you did what you could with what you had at that moment, so please remember no matter what you didn’t deserve to carry all that weight at fifteen— he cries quietly with your hand in his back making circles.

Both of you don’t talk about it again, he doesn't question about your new habit to visit the place with all your materials, quietly drawing as he works, you don’t ask him his motives when he goes to your campus inviting you if you want to go to a ramen tasting escapade with his friends. The dynamic of childhood acquaintances to friends is smooth, even when you guys hide the skeletons of feelings somewhere.

The days blend together in a dynamic that both of you are too afraid to name, walking on eggshells in name of past loves, pining, regrets and what ifs.

The first time you invite him to an exposition of your college where one of your paintings would be exhibited... he's a mess. Mitsuya reassure him telling him his outfit is perfect not too fancy not too casual, perfect for a date, he's quick to deny it but Mitsuya is too smart and knows him so much to understand and pick up the blush of his face he tries to hide.

When he enters the gallery he feels so out of place, this is not a territory for someone like him, you say hi complete ecstatic to see him there until he gives you a single pink peony, your smile blinds him, raking his arm to introduce him to your classmates.

He's trying to give a good impression, to hide how his nails have bits of grease he couldn't clean no matter how many times he washes with a brush his hands, a classmate makes a wow sound.

–Your tattoo is so cool bro!—Ken finally relaxes when everyone begins to greet him, remarking how everyone is so eccentric, original, even one of them came to present his work dressed in jeans overalls. Maybe he thinks just maybe he could have a place beside you.

Later that night, you laugh beside him without shoes, as your other drunken classmates giggle painting an old canvas with their feet making a mess.

—Ready to make art, Ken?—your eyes are sparkling, his chest feels like could blast at any minute, he hadn't felt so light since so fucking long, he dips his feet on the paint jumping with a bunch of drunk students at the sound of Karma Chameleon in an old boombox.

The pink stains of paint his feet leave on the canvas are so big, that your green ones are lost, at the end of the night he saves the phone of some of the classmates so they can go out to drink, he says thanks for inviting him sadly he couldn't tell you what are his feelings for you.

Mitsuya encourages him, he will have another chance, Nahoya and Souya says the same, Inui gives him another beer to cheer him up.

However, when you go to the repair shop with swollen eyes, carrying your canvas as if is something radioactive, he looks at you with curiosity analyzing the painting.

—Do you have something to burn this shit?— the painting is a big crystal ball that reflects people looking at it like it was some kind of salvation.

—Why?—he asks, cleaning his hands to sit beside you like every day

—I did everything wrong— he looks at the painting trying to find something bad yet he doesnt find anything bad, he feels touched at the hands reaching for the object —Maybe they are right my work is mediocre at best, if I drop out of school I can search for a job that helps me to live a small life...-— he saw your face retorting to a kind of disgusted face as you scratch your hair, mediocre? mediocre? he hasn’t met anyone with such passion for their work except Mitsuya, so deciding whats best for you now he flicks your forehead

—Let’s go, you need a break— he walks outside rolling his bike —We are going for a ride...wait— he throws you a helmet and a black hoodie that resembles his old haori —You are going to need it— offering his hand so you can balance, your tummy is full of caterpillars that transform into butterflies when he puts your hands around him, the speed doesnt help, your hair even constricted on the helmet feels the breeze, after a minute you rest your head against his back.

When you see that the beach is close and the air becomes much colder thanks to the sunset, he stops

—Let’s walk on the sand, it always helps— he looks at the pier with longing, taking off his boots, he walks in little strides waiting for you when you look behind the motorcycle is so far —I came here years ago and I always come back when I feel a little lost— he looks at the sky hoping for seeing more stars that today seems to shine a little.

You want to talk more, telling him about how this place is so fitting for him, how you always associate him to water, about the crush after all these years, you burp something else —Why you always tell me all this stuff, I appreciate your trust in me but you have better friends — you feel so stupid putting a hand over your mouth, he smiles sitting in the sand as always he pats the side so you can sit beside him.

—I always think of you as one of my friends— you can’t decide what gets you so emotional, the fact he considers you a friend or how he thinks of you, your heartbeat gets erratic, wanting to burst, to confess how you are mooning for him again. —You treated me so good since preschool, I felt so bad when I didn’t return your feelings that time— he gets quiet, you know hes thinking in Emma. The sounds of the waves lull you, he coughs you smile at him sadly.

—Emma’s death will be always something that I’ll carry around my shoulders, the pleasure to have my heart broken by a woman who was a burst of sunshine in a person— he focuses on the waves that are getting close to your feet, you squeal he laughs wiping his tears.

—Thank you for bringing me here, it helps me— almost jumping trying to get warm by the movement, he rolls his eyes yet he moves his arms side by side to get warm.

—Maybe is time to get back before we freeze to death before I forget...you are doing your best maybe for those bigots is not enough and maybe a simple mechanic is not someone to criticize your work or know a damn about art I can say your works always find something to tug the heartstrings of everyone, the other day Angry cried to that old sketch you left in my desk— something in your heart pull you to hug him and something in his made him kiss your cheek.

—Fuck...Im sorry— trying to shallow the bad feeling, he tousles your hair you shriek when one of his rings got stuck in a knot —This is getting worse, oh my god im so ashamed—keeping talking as he with all the patience in the world detangles his ring

—Hey! you want to date?— he said it so surely and confident even when his finger toes are curling on the sand thanks to his anxiety, he doesnt want to carry more regrets, he knows that whatever he has with you is worthed, that he wants more afternoons buying solvents, helping you with out of the box ideas for your presentations or how you labeled his tools so you can help him, eating Chinese food sitting in old buckets as Inui tells a story, giving you water when the twins are tasting new recipes or how he says no when you are persisting in telling him he should adopt one of the cats in Chifuyu’s shop

You are so silent, he wants to say is a lie, he can almost hear Emma’s voice telling him to not chicken out, when you place your gaze on his, he can appreciate the little tears trying to escape.

—Yes!— fuck! he is happy

There’s something so eerie about this night. Ken looks at the buildings in front f the window, the sky is clear, hoping to see stars, even though he knows it is impossible in a city as bright. You are humming doing chores in the kitchen, his phone rings with Hinata’s name on it, asking if he knows something about Takemichi.

He doesn't know. He immediately texts Chifuyu. The man said he would check. The best man is supposed to have information about the groom, he texts smiling at his witty remark. Everyone in the group looks forward to the wedding.

There’s a loud crack in the air, he blinks...hum weird, something in him calls to hug you, He hid his face in your neck. “Where is Takemitchy? He doesn’t know, is obvious that the dumb man would rather die than not go to his wedding.

You brush his hair that's getting long again yet the raven locks are so soft, smooching his face he feels happy, very content with what he has made with his life, maybe he should start looking for a ring too,

Your third mistake was not paying attention to his friend because both of you have no idea that this future is being rewritten by a friend who cannot say goodbye to the other…

In 2008, Ken Ryuguji dies in a pool of blood. The last name he pronounced, is the name of the shape of love he knew, he's without his core friends, bullets marred his skin, the sky is totally black, the water pouring his body washing away the blood trying to clean his soul... giving him comfort.

Dying cold, wet, without seeing stars, last words forgotten as a lot of people reunite to fight. He never meets another form of love. He doesn't get redemption, just a sad stretcher in the back of the ambulance as a deathbed.

On the other side of the city, you are debating if you need to buy an Indian yellow oil paint for your new project, Hiromi asks you if you’re going to the party.

That's a good idea! Maybe there you can ask for Ken; Someone will have information about your crush; the blond boy with shaved sides and the dragon tattoo.

🔖@sukunasbabymama @meximorrita @notsocoolnana @aasouthteranoswife

   After the series, when Rue realized how many problems she had caused for her friends like Mytho being corrupted by the raven’s blood, blindly following the Raven’s orders to hurt Ahiru and Fakir, nearly sacrificing the hearts of several innocent girls for the raven, and the raven almost destroying the whole town, she felt that even though she had gotten her happy ending with Mytho after all she had done, she still didn’t feel like she fully “deserved” all of it until she could do something special for Fakir and Ahiru to make their lives together as happy as her’s with Mytho in the kingdom. 

   The fairytale kingdom has a special holiday, where once a year, the citizens can grant the wishes of those who desperately deserve it, but have been deserted by luck. All they have to do is to release a dove with a note tied to it’s foot containing the person’s name and the wish written on it. If the dove reaches it’s destination, the person’s wish will be granted. So that day, Rue set out to the dove releasement grounds where many people were releasing doves into the air, sending luck to their loved ones. She tied her note to the dove’s foot, hoping her little piece of luck would reach it’s destination.

The day Fakir opened his window to find a small snow-white dove perched on the windowsill with a note tied to it’s foot  was the day he was finally able to write a story to Ahiru back into a girl.

ME AND MY BF OMG WE ARE SO SLAY!!!!

green one is me and yellow one is my bf <3333

btw happy pride month yall!!!!!

lloyd the skrunkly

i was struggling with the hair so much

OMG ITS ZANE !!!!! (their favorite color is pink)😻🔥

NO WAY LLOYD NINJAGO AT HIS LOWEST POINT?!!!!????!!?!?!!

im shatted, he is so silly and skrunkly omg omg hes just like me fr fr

song in the bg ↓↓↓↓

OMG! HES JUST LIKE ME FR!!!!!! SKRUNKLY SCRIMBLO ALERT FR

song in the bg ↓↓↓

MY TAKE ON SCENE KYLE!!!!! >...<

good omens doodle dump (not really bc i dont have much of them for now) + a wip (i probably wont finish it) 🫡

post season 2 aziraphale in heaven ( someone get him out of there )

hes literally me irl guys!!!!

i imagine he starts plucking feathers from their wings post season 2 due to extreme stress i suppose 🤷(+ missing crowley), thats why i drew one of his wings chipped (? idk if thats how u call it)

All your series are so good and just warm my soul. I didn't know I needed this today but I did and thank you so much for putting your writing out there ❤️

My Whole Life : A Fear of God Story

(Joel Miller x OFC)

Series Masterlist

Summary: The family celebrates Joel's birthday.

Content Warnings: Fluff and smut (like the fluffiest fluff ever); Miller Family Fun; Joel being overrun by wild little girls; Dirty old man & inappropriate groping; Established relationship; Joel Miller is a Wife Guy; Competence kink; Breastfeeding; Lactation kink; Oral sex (M! & F! receiving); Come eating; Pregnancy kink; Size difference; Daddy kink; Possessive behavior; PIV sex; Ass play; Romantic anal :) ; Dirty talk; Pussy slapping; Over stimulation

Rating: Explicit 18+

A/N: happy happy happy birthday to our bestest and most beautiful old man. This might just be some of the most ridiculous shit I’ve ever written, and it’s all for him :)

Word Count: 9.8K

Read on AO3

MY WHOLE LIFE

And you’ll always love me, won’t you?

Yes.

And the rain won’t make a difference?

No.

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell To Arms

He’s still asleep. Laying on his side, bent elbow tucked beneath his smushed cheek, messy curls strewn across his pillow, overly long and floppy against his forehead. It’s time for a haircut, but he’s been distracted and busy lately, evading your managing fingers and scissors. The quilt is pulled up high over a thick shoulder, and that soft, full mouth is slightly parted, the near silent whistle of his breathing passing through each exhale. You close your eyes and listen for a moment. When you open again, you reach up to run the tip of your finger along the damp edge, and he puckers his lips slightly, mouthing at your exploration. Ah, awake then. You lean forward to press your mouth to his briefly, taking his breath into yourself. 

Tell me you love me, you whisper the words onto his tongue. 

“I love you, Birdie,” voice like falling stones; graveled, sluicing into your ears, eternally familiar. An everyday thing that’s a small miracle each time it’s whispered into the small shell. 

“Happy Birthday, Joel.” And he finally opens his eyes, long lashes squeezing tight and spiky for a second before he blinks open, bleary with sleep. His half smile unfolds for you, slow and lazy, the lines around his eyes going deep and grooved, and your fingertips skim over the whiskered plane of his cheek, feeling the proof of his happiness around his eyes. Pulling his hand from beneath his cheek he reaches for you, skims the back of his hand down the front of your belly, undoing the buttons of  his old, worn to softness flannel as he goes. Backs of his knuckles following again, skimming down the soft swell, dipping into your navel, and then sneaking around your waist to pull you into himself. Belly to belly he sighs deep and rumbly, closes his eyes again, nods his head just a smidge, settling back into the pillow. “Thank you, sweetheart.” 

You know that if he could skip this day every year, he would. Sleep through the whole thing of it, erase it from history. You know that it’s endlessly painful, eternally terrible, and that even after almost three decades it never hurts any less. Five years now, you’ve been married, and you’ve tried to make every year as special as possible. Not necessarily peaceful, an unachievable thing in a house full of four loud and scrambling little girls, but always special, always infused with as much happiness as you can give him. 

The sallow purple light from early dawn seeps in through the sheer blue curtains over the wide bay window of your bedroom, and as he presses you to him, the course hair of his chest and belly rubs against the skin of your own stomach, your overly sensitive breasts, full and extra tender from nursing. You’d made his gift extra special last year, your last baby, little Connie, now nearing six months old. 

-

“Another one?”

“Well, baby, that’s what happens when your husband can’t keep his dick in his pants.”

“Jesus fucking Christ,” he sighs, head falling back on his neck as he runs his palm over his mouth, two fingers tucked into his belt. Dad pose.

“We’re getting a nanny, Joel. Someone to help us – you go out there and find anyone, I don’t care who. There’s too many of them, we’re being overtaken. And we can’t keep asking Ellie and Dina – they’ve got JJ now, they’re busy too. You’ve saddled us with a whole kindergarten here because you can’t seem to stop getting me pregnant,” voice hitching with equal measures of anxiety and happiness, and an overabundance of hormones and love. 

He sidles up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist to hug you tight to his chest, one of his hands coming up to squeeze your full, heavy breasts gently, you gasp, extra sensitive already. He coos right into the soft shell of your ear, “Poor Birdie. S’just so fun makin’ ‘em baby. Can’t help myself.”

You roll your eyes at him even though he can’t see, and you kind of want to claw at his face and rip all his clothes off, all at the same time. This is all his fault. All of your sense gone out the window, can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding, as if you didn’t know better. Too desperate for your husband to be more careful. And now look at the two of you… 

Your ass perks up, grinds back into his already growing erection, fucking beautiful, he murmurs with his forehead resting on your shoulder to look down at you, palming your ass. His hands sweep over you in an arc, skimming the soft dips and contours of your skin. 

Then shyly, head tuning over your shoulder to press your temple to his forehead, “Are you happy?” Because you still just need to make sure, you still just need to hear it. 

“You’ve never given me the option to be anything else but, my love.”

-

He’d gotten up in the middle of the night when he’d heard her fussing, bringing the baby to you still half asleep, cuddling her tiny, pink form against his naked chest, so that you could nurse her back to sleep. He’d sat at the edge of the bed, big hand cupped at the back of your skull as he’d looked down on you feeding his child from your breast, the look in his eyes like nothing you’d ever imagined before him. The birth of your children had infused a sense of tenderness, an intimacy so acute it brought tears to your eyes if you thought about it too much, into your relationship that had made the two of you closer than ever. More in love with each other than you’d ever thought possible. 

The memory of your parents was worn and faded with time, but you remembered they’d always approached each other with a sort of comfortable respect. Never ones for overt displays of affection or physical intimacy. So you’d never expected that the love of a man like Joel Miller, stoic and reserved and brusque, could be like this; an overwhelming sort of thing, scalding and suffocating in a way you needed. 

His hand skims back to your chest, undoing the rest of your buttons to get at the warmth of your breasts, rough palm gently, gently cupping the full weight. The dry abrasion of calluses catching at your sensitive nipples, handling you with such care. A low rumble in his throat, eyes still closed, “Gimme another kiss, little bird. It’s my birthday,” he whispers before sliding forward, taking your mouth with his. He starts off slow, a soft brush of damp lips, before he takes your upper lip between his, pulling gently, his hand moving back and down now, cupping your lush bottom to pull you up and into himself. Your hands flutter over his chest, still after all this time, easily overwhelmed by the heat and feel of him. You never want it to end, you never want it to lessen. 

The sex is still filthy, but everything else is pure. 

You can feel the hardening heft of his cock under his boxers between the two of you, and you skim your hand down the length of his soft belly, fingers tucking beneath the elastic to run the backs of your knuckles against the burning hot skin there, feel the tickle of his hair. He makes another one of those deep sounds, warm and masculine and smelling faintly musky from sleep, and you bring your knee up against his hip, pushing further into his boxers to feel the rapidly thickening base of his cock against the back of your hand, you brush the pad of your thumb there and his kiss becomes hungrier. Bringing his palm to the nape of your neck he rolls the two of you over suddenly, trying to take charge, licking deep and wet into your mouth, pressing his now full-on erection into your cupping palm. “Taste so good, Birdie. Is my little cunt wet and ready for me?” 

“Joel–” you whisper, drawing your hand up to his shoulder to try and keep him at bay. His wet mouth moves down to your throat, cupping your breasts, pinching your nipples, settling more heavily between your spread thighs to grind his cock into your warmth. “We can’t,” you moan as his hot mouth pulls gently at your tit now, nipples dark and swollen. It’s been several hours since you’d nursed, and you feel the warmth of your milk as his tongue swirls around you. He groans, rough and hungry at the taste, bringing his knee up to lever himself over you, readying to rip your clothes off and take your cunt for himself, but as he moves to balance himself on one arm and knee while his other hand reaches for your panties, you press him off balance, dislodging him and rolling over as he goes, so that you’re left straddling the wide breadth of him. His eyes flash, provoked, and he jerks you forward, ripping the flannel off your shoulders so that your breasts are left bare and swinging heavily. With a rough grunt he bends his knees, shoving you up further on his stomach to wrap a big hand around your tit and bring it to his mouth. Mine, he growls, with your flesh in his mouth. He pulls on the taut peak again, another warm rush of your milk, his eyes locked on yours as he sucks from your nipple. It should be wrong, maybe it is, but like you’d said, the sex is still filthy, everything else is pure. 

“We can’t,” you whisper, carding your fingers through the long locks of his messy curls, the strands cool and soft at the ends, but hot and damp at the roots. You can feel your pulse thrumming at your throat, the insides of your wrists, the back of your knees. The slide of your wet cunt against his abdomen has the heat between the both of you ricocheting up to a sweltering dampness, and despite your protests, you moan as his hands roll you against him. “They’ll be up soon and banging on that door, you know it. Ellie and Dina can only hold them off for so long.” The girls had spent the night, not only so they could be here for birthday breakfast, but so that the two of you could spend a few extra peaceful moments in bed without three raucous monsters climbing in with you. 

“Don’t care – need you now.” He levers his head up off the pillow, following the swing of your breast until he can catch it with his mouth, teeth gently scraping across the bud. Joel, you whimper, lashes fluttering against your cheeks. He makes a self satisfied noise low in his throat, crushing you to himself and sucking hard on your skin, pulling a strangled moan from your throat. Trying to pull away, grabbing his marauding hands, you try to pin him down with your entire weight, small fingers clasping around the thick of his wrists and pressing them back into the pillows. The two of you pause to take each other in for a second, I love you, he mouths up at you, silent, eyes on fire. You can’t help the deep flush, trying to swallow your smile and shake your head at him in mock disapproval, pinning him harder. “That isn’t gonna work, little thing. Got the strength of a butterfly.”

“Shut up.” You lean forward, pressing your mouth to the thick bulge of his bicep, dragging your teeth across the swell. “You’re mine – I do what I want.” He gives you a soft, conceding laugh, and you press kisses along his shoulder, across his collarbone, letting the long tresses of your hair snake like water over his face, his chest, his stomach. Scooting down his belly to nuzzle at the springy hair covering his chest, little tongue darting out against his nipple, smiling at the sound of his soft gasp. Further, further down, kisses to his soft belly, thicker around the middle now, sympathy weight, he calls it. But he’s so strong, and so endless, and you need him so much. You wiggle between his legs, forcing him to spread his thick thighs to make space for you and nip at the sensitive inner slope there. Nuzzling his hairy limbs, you pause to look up at him, cheek resting there, feeling the restrained strength of his muscles. The two of you go quiet for a second, taking each other in, and there’s so much said in his gaze. He brings his hand to the crown of your head, cupping the small bowl of your skull in his palm, and smiles a little, a teasing crook of his eyebrow, and you can’t help but laugh, turning your face to hide your own smile in his thigh. 

“What’cha gonna do, baby?” Hmm, he croons down at you, sliding his fingers through your hair. You sneak your fingers below the waistband of his boxers again, tugging them down to free the straining, thick cock and heavy balls. You press a barely there kiss to the skin just beside the base and watch as his length jumps, flushed head starting to leak. You give him another wry look, and he runs his fingers along the line of your jaw, up the slope of your cheek bone, hot touch following the wing of your brow. It’s all soft caresses and the sort of comfort that only comes from knowing another person almost better than you know yourself. You finally bend down and press a kiss at the tip, opening your mouth to let your tongue flutter along the soft, spongey curve. He lets out a long, restrained breath through his nostrils, fingers still roaming along your face, through your hair as you start to take him deeper into your mouth, levering yourself up over his groin so that he has a better view of your breasts and hair dragging over his thighs. A desperate groan, and you smile around his cock, you know him too well. You drag the flat of your tongue along the ridged base, a swirl around the fat head, his hand cupped at the nape of your neck. You can feel the pulse and throb of him against your tongue, and you moan around him, fluttering lashes tickling your cheeks, you want to feel that pulse at the core of you, deep where he owns you. “Yeah, baby,” voice soft and strained, trying to swallow the sound of his own pleasure in the hollow quiet of your still sleeping home. “Hum a little song around daddy’s cock, little bird.” And your eyes flash hot and desperate up to his own. A wash of heat spreads from the crown of your head to the tips of your curling toes, backs of your knees smarting, pussy going tight and desperate as a knot. You wrap both hands around the length of him and focus your suctioning mouth at the head, moaning wantonly, twisting your palms around the slick spit left by your tongue. 

“Fuck, yes – yes, yes yes. That’s perfect, you’re doing so good, Birdie. Just like that.” He bears his teeth at you, a wash of color spreading across the crests of his cheekbones and the bridge of his nose. You slide your slick hands down to cup his balls and take him to the back of your throat, moaning ragged and choked around the too thick length, swallowing repeatedly, trying to breathe through your nose, eyes smarting and thighs clenching. His fingers twist in your hair painfully, and he swells almost impossibly bigger in your mouth. “Fuck, I’m gonna come. I’m gonna come, baby. Don’t swallow, don’t swallow.” He hasn’t stopped looking at you, eyes wide and frenzied. You pull back, squeezing his sack as he starts to spurt, thick and salty into your mouth. “Don’t swallow, lemme see. Gimme my birthday present, show me–” You pull away from his soaked cock, mouth sticky with semen, and present your tongue for him, the milky viscousness dripping sloppy while you continue to jack his still spitting length. He sits up suddenly, cock still fisted in your working hand to grip your jaw in his strong fingers. His eyes are filled with a sort of mania only you know how to bring out in him now that he’s been mostly tamed, and you bring your other hand up to your face, scooping the spurted drops of come on your cheeks onto your white splattered tongue. “Perfect fucking thing,” he growls. “You do what I say,” he gives your captured jaw a rough, little jostle. “Swallow now.” You close your mouth and obey, “Open again – lemme see,” sticking your now pink tongue out at him, he leans forward and licks into you, tasting himself. Filthy, filthy, filthy. I fucking love you, you can’t tell who says it, it doesn’t really matter. 

-

The farmhouse is a short ways outside of Jackson. He’d picked it after Lena was born, Kate and Clara had been two, and Connie would soon be on the way. The family needed more space, four children was a lot to manage, and he wanted his girls to have room to grow and play. You’d let him do as he pleased, and made the trek into the clinic every afternoon at first, but had taken on a partner two years ago, Jamie. She’d come to Jackson with her own medical background, and with four babies at home, the help was more than welcome. 

The house is old, but made of strong bones that Joel had painstakingly refurbished and now cared for meticulously. Filled with sturdy furniture he’d mostly made by hand, thick rugs and soft glowing lamps and books, books everywhere. And something else, something unknowable and invisible, but that was immediately obvious, nonetheless. A sort of love that was in such overabundance; it was an unbelievable sort of thing that a creature that had lived as he had could have ended up here, surrounded by all this goodness. Joel knows it is only because of you, all only your doing, his ending up here like this. 

As you step into the large dining and living space you stop abruptly, his chest bumping into your back, hands going to your hips to steady you. Your head cocks slowly to the side as you take in the new addition to the kitchen. “What’s that?” 

He presses his face into the warm, fragrant skin of your neck, smiling against the tender slope. “Made it for you.” It’s a kitchen table, long and thickly built, the warm oak color polished and cured to a glowing sheen. He’d snuck it in from the barn last night after you’d gone to sleep.

“It’s your birthday, you’re not supposed to be giving me gifts today.” He wraps his arms around your middle, his hand spanning across the soft swell of your postpartum belly. The change your carrying his children had wrought on your body was something that he’d not known would have such an effect of him. But the sight of you most days, wearing nothing but one of his oversized flannels, and his favorite itty bitty, pink, polka dotted panties. Swollen, leaking tits and the lush softness of your belly and hips underneath. Long hair, a tousled mess of a cloud around your head. Too fucking tempting. It brought out something not entirely civilized in him. How was he ever supposed to behave when you were prancing around your home together, surrounded by all your children, being the best mother the world had ever seen. Sometimes the urge to get you pregnant just one more time was almost irresistible. Soft and feminine and his, it did things to him, made him think unspeakable thoughts that he later acted out on you in explicit detail at night, in the privacy of your bedroom. Things had changed after the birth of your children, he had changed, in so many ways, in ways that Joel had never even thought possible. The intimacy, the closeness was something that he’d never even thought possible, something so vulnerable, so tender, his mind hadn’t had the capacity before this to imagine it. He’d never thought, never thought that he could love with an intensity like this, but you’d taught him so many things over the years. You taught him something new every single day. 

“It’s for me too,” he murmurs. “And giving you things makes me happy. Seein’ you happy makes me happy. This is my gift to myself.”

You’re quiet for a second, and he feels you tense and hiccup beneath his touch, trying not to cry. Finally, when you’re sure your voice won’t break, “Don’t be cheesy, old man.” But you turn in his arms, going up on your little toes to press your mouth to his, wrapping your arms around the back of his neck. He sighs into the kiss, tasting you slowly, savoring you, feels himself thickening again already, just at the feel and smell of you. When he pulls back to look down at you, sure enough, your eyes are wet and gleaming, a soft flush across your nose. “Thank you, I love it,” A small sniffle.

“Get in there,” he says gently. “Stop provokin’ me.” He gives your bottom a gentle squeeze before letting go. 

After he helps you get the girls up and settled, he goes on a long walk with Ellie and Kate, leaving you and Dina to hold down the fort for a while. Sydney, panting along Kate’s gangly, coltish side as they lope ahead of him and Ellie. The old Newfoundland had shown up one day on the front porch, mud and bramble slewn, Kate and Clara had brought her in, told them her name was Sydney, and that had been it, the dog had stayed. The hound, covered in a nearly unmanageable chocolate brown mane, had what he called an old disposition, much like him, Birdie liked to tease, but gentle and slow. The perfect animal to patiently accompany the girls along their misadventures, but large and astute enough to herd and protect when necessary. They liked to wander sometimes, disappearing at any moment, hiding and jumping out to scare the two of you in your frantic searches for them. Trouble the two of them, Kate and Clara together. Clara especially, mind sharp as a whip and an inclination for trouble she could have only gotten from him, if he was being honest. Kate was always the cooler, more level headed voice of the two of them, even at five, nearly six, years old. With those deep blue eyes, like shards of sea glass with the very power of the sun shining through. They’d slipped out of the house a few months ago behind his back, and after his mad search he’d found them wandering, hand in hand, towards the treeline. Short legs setting a slow and stunted pace, Sydney had been following closely at their heels, towering over the two small frames. At the sound of his approach, she’d turned back with an aggressive growl, ready to protect the two vulnerable creatures in her charge, but he’d settled her with a gentle, It’s just me, Syd, and the hound had gone tame and sedate once again. He’d trusted her with them unfailingly ever since. 

They were meandering slowly along one of his and Ellie’s favorite paths now, slowly, allowing for child and dog to pause and investigate at will, dew-covered spiderwebs, bright tufts of moss and old, rotted logs covered in bugs Kate begged him to let her bring home. 

“Mom gets scared. We don’t want that, do we?”

“Mom doesn’t get scared,” Kate says, scrunching her nose up at him. 

“It’s secretly him that gets scared, Katie. Don’t let him fool you,” Ellie tells her. They walk for close to an hour in mostly silence, their ritual of sorts, listening to the sound of the woods around them and Kate’s soft voice going on and on at Sydney, while the dog seemingly pays the closest and most attentive regard possible. The quiet walks, something that calls back to their long journeys all those years ago, a way to remind themselves of where they’d been and what they’d come to. 

“What do ya think?” She breaks the silence after they’ve turned back toward home and the breakfast waiting for them. 

“‘Bout what?” 

“Anything.”

He shakes his head, watching Kate’s short leap over a puddle, sighs long and deep, “Dunno – so many things. Nice walk–” He gives her a wry look out of the corner of his eye. 

They reach the edge of the woods and pause to watch Kate breaking into a run towards the house, Sydney matching her pace. “I think we did good, don’t you?” He knows she means everything, all of it. Lena, three years old, bursts out of the propped open front door of the house, Dina on her heels. “We kinda made it, didn’t we?”

“Yeah, kiddo. We did good.”

-

“I drew you a birthday picture, Daddy,” Clara tells him.

“C’mere, my angel. Let’s see it.” Sitting around the new kitchen table, he pulls her up into his lap, Lena following suit to scramble up as well. 

There are seven figures: you, drawn with long hair that reaches your feet, Kate, Clara, and Lena, respectively, what he assumes is baby Connie drawn as a miniscule figure eight at your feet, something that resembles a tumble-weed more than a dog, poor Syd, and then… someone drawn as a big circle, with an even bigger head on top. “Where’m I, baby?”

“Right there.” She points at the big, round thing, “I made him soft like you, Daddy.” And she pats his belly so affectionately, looking up at him with the biggest smile he’s ever seen, poor Syd – fuck, poor me, he thinks.

“Thanks, baby. I love it.” He squeezes her into his chest, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of her head. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you bent over the kitchen counter trying to strangle yourself in a kitchen towel to muffle the sounds of your hysterical laughter. 

After scrambled eggs and hot breads with honey and jam, bacon and fruit and coffee, perfect girl that you are, you’d somehow gotten him a tin of beans as a birthday gift, you bring out what the girls call the pancake cake. A large, wide stack of the fluffiest buttermilk pancakes, all lathered in Dina’s whipped cream, and a mountainous heaping of bright red strawberries. He watches you, a thing akin to awe in his eyes as you set the red and white cloud down in front of him, you’d put on a soft blue dress, robins egg blue, with tiny lace cap sleeves that fluttered with your movements and made his stomach dip and swoop and ache to reach out and toy with them. 

“The berries were a gift,” you say with a pleased smile.

“Oh, was it Jeff?” The grocer, Dina asks. “He’s so nice.”

“Who?” Joel frowns.

“Jeff, he works at the market. He–” You pause, a laughing smile playing on your lips. “He wanted me to wish you a happy birthday, baby.” His scowl deepens, your own smile widening. 

As soon as the cake’s set in front of him there’s a chubby little hand sneaking forward to stick grubby fingers into the confection. “Lena,” looking down at her, and the hand is immediately snatched back. “Oh, the candles,” you remember as you’re about to take the seat next to him. 

“Left them in the back room, with the other stuff I brought,” Dina calls as you head to what’s used as a makeshift laundry room at the back of the house. He gets up quickly, a murmured, I’ll help you look, following you and flicking the door shut behind him, the echoing sound of snickers and Ellie’s hooting, mesmerized by the swish and flow of the blue fabric around your legs, and with a bone to pick.

“You’re not allowed to go to the market anymore.”

“Excuse me?”

“Take Ellie or Dina with you.” He pouts and scowls and fumes behind you as you rifle through the bags they’d brought with them.

“Excuse me?” You say again, voice soft and patient, infused with just a tinge of laughter. 

“You want me to say it again?” He steps forward, fingers ghosting through the ends of your long hair, hungry, possessive. “And who gave you permission to talk to other men?” And you snicker, not taking him seriously even a little bit. He wraps his arms around you, pressing you forward to squeeze your tits in his big hands, he’s obsessed, grinding his groin into the soft round of your ass. He drags his hands over the dips and contours of your body, squeezing lush curves as he goes, reaching to wrap around the delicate architecture of your jaw and pull your face around to look at him, taking in the beautiful heart shape of your mouth.

“Joel–” you chastise.

“Five minutes.”

“Behave, they’re gonna–”

“Don’t care. It’s my birthday.” He nuzzles your hair, searching for the small shell of your ear. “Just want a kiss, Birdie bird.”

“It’s never just a kiss with you,” but you turn in his arms anyways, pressing your mouth to his, licking into him before you’ve even fully got the words out. He gropes you, sliding a knee between your thighs to press against your mound and roll you against himself. Cupping the nape of your neck, he eats at you, sliding his tongue along yours. He can hear the desperate sound of his breath rattling in his own chest, and he slides his mouth down the slope of your neck, a soft nip to the tiny pulse there. He groans low in his chest, cock hard and straining against his jeans. “They takin’ them for the night, still?” He asks panting.

“They are,” voice a whimper, fingers twisting in his hair and tugging in frustration. You push him back by the shoulders, laughing gently, as you wiggle out from between his steaming, hard body and the counter. “Come on. Ellie’s gonna give you hell.” He braces his palms against the edge, head hanging trying to will his erection down and catch his breath. Jesus, Birdie. 

“Mama, why did Daddy go in there with you?” Clara’s little voice sounds as he steps back out into the kitchen behind you. 

“He was helping me–”

“They were making you another baby sister,” Ellie supplies unhelpfully, big fucking grin. Joel drags his thumb across his throat, staring daggers. 

“How do they do that?” Kate asks.

Ellie’s mouth opens, readying to worsen the situation, “Ellie–” Joel warns. 

Dina, ever the voice of reason, tells them patiently, “They write a letter to a stork, sweet. And then nine months later, he brings a baby.”

The girls are all quiet for a beat, digesting this newfound, eternally fascinating piece of information, until Kate says, in that solemn and level headed way of hers, hands primly set at the edge of the table, “I think the stork has come to our house too many times.”

Ellie cackles uncontrollably, Bridie’s giggle following suit, until the lot of them are caught in a net of laughter. Joel lets his head fall back, thumbs tucked at his belt, letting a long sigh out. “Jesus.”

“Jesus!” A little voice yells out in imitation. 

-

“What is a stork?”

“A bird,” Ellie provides. 

“Is that why mama is Birdie? Because she makes the baby come?”

“Yeah, baby. That’s why,” You tell Kate, smoothing a gentle hand over the crown of her bright blonde head. Inquisitive little thing. With your other hand you flick Ellie in the back of the head. Mother fucker, you mouth at her affronted look. 

“Father fucker,” she mouths back with a snicker. 

Once the candles are securely in the cake and lit, and Clara’s added her ever helpful, Mama, we need one thousand more candles, Daddy is so old, he nudges his head at you. “Come be a good girl, and sit on my lap,” he says quietly. You perch on the strong expanse of his thigh, one arm around the back of his neck, the other coming to entwine with the fingers of his hand at your waist, twisting the gold band of his ring round and round his finger. 

The girls sing Happy Birthday, Daddy, at the top of their lungs, and you watch him watch them, the clenching of his jaw, those fine little muscles that wrap around his mandible, fluttering as he grinds his back molars together, the ripple of his throat as he swallows again and again. The corners of his eyes go a little wet, tears lining the edges of those gorgeous hazel eyes as he stares into the flames of his birthday candles while the girls sing to him – off key, off harmony, so full of love. Clara clambers up onto his other knee midway through, plants herself on the endlessly strong surface of her father’s thigh, the safest place in the whole world. “Happy birthday, Daddy. I love you,” she whispers up at him, laying her little head on his shoulder, gazing at him with those same hazel green eyes that reflect his own image back at him, remind him of another little girl he’ll never stop missing, and he brings his hand up to cradle the back of her skull in his large palm, presses his lips to her forehead, love you so much, baby girl, whispered into her skin. Your first baby. His eyes fill further, and they flutter closed, trying to contain all that you know he’s feeling right now. Your hand on the back of his neck strokes softly at the overly long curls, soft and thick. You press your thumb into the notch of his skull, anchor yourself there, I’m here, I’m here, we are here together, look at all we have, and he turns to look at you, his cheek resting on your daughter's head. “Thank you,” he says, and you know that he means for all of it. 

Cheering squeals, laughter, and the padding rush of little feet over the floorboards as the rest of them start to run around the table, shrieking fills the air as they scramble over him, trying to climb up as well. He buries his face in your hair and shudders as he presses a tiny kiss to the soft lobe of your ear. Look at all we have. The whole world right here at our kitchen table. 

-

The birthday of a perfectly happy man is spent like this: a long breakfast with the woman of his dreams and all his daughters surrounding, a lazy afternoon, trying to doze on the deep, lumpy couch, intermittently interrupted by a knobby knee and a sharp little elbow to the gut or thigh, lunch and peach cream popsicles on the porch, watching the clouds, searching for shapes like treasures in the deep blue sky. 

He thinks of Sarah, as he lays there surrounded by her sisters. The sweet shape of her face, the dove green of her eyes surrounded by the thickest, darkest lashes he’s still ever seen to this day, Lena’s eyes are the exact same shade, the texture of her curly hair beneath his palm. Her memory is faded now, after so long, but he works it like a muscle in his mind every day, a staunch refusal to ever let her go. And no matter how far away he moves from that day, he still asks himself sometimes: How does one grapple with the loss of something that big, something that essential? He’s lived with a hole in his heart in the shape of a little girl for so long, decades, but now, with all of this surrounding him, he also has so many things that leave his heart so full he’s almost bursting with it. The two opposing feelings often leave him feeling bloated and without space within himself, and yet, he always finds another nook or cranny for more. Even when it’s left him tired, when his remembered past hangs over his head so that he feels, sometimes, like his edges are disjointed, not glued together symmetrically, you’re there to put him back to rights. 

And the memory will always be painful, it will never not hurt. It’ll never not be agony. But it’s easier now, to recall all the wonderful, all the good. Sometimes, he almost feels afraid of the intensity of this happiness, but in those moments, when that old fear returns you’re able to recognize even that, like everything else in his heart you know as well as your own, and you take him into your arms, reminding him that his whole life is right here in this house now, that you’ve saved him. 

“Look at the clouds, Daddy. There’s shapes.” 

Sprawled in the lush grass in front of the house, the three girls surrounding him. He presses a kiss to Lena’s soft curls, “Look at that one,” he says, “What d'ya see there?” 

“A bunny,” Kate says with all the self assurance of knowing she’s the eldest sister, and thus, the wisest. 

“A bunny? You sure?”

“Yes, Daddy. Don’t you see it?” Clara interjects. “He has big ears and funny whiskers just like yours.” Raucous giggles and screeches after that as they jump over and across him, with claims that he needs reminding how a bunny hops and leaps.  

Eventually, when they settle, Birdie brings out more cake, leaves the four of you to sit in a huddle criss-cross-apple-sauce and discuss the woes of kindergarten at the school house in town. 

“Mama told me I’m not allowed to bite,” Clara gives an exasperated huff, abandoning her cake to melt into the grass and crawl into his lap. “She bites a lot,” Kate adds. Irritated, pushing unruly curls out of her strawberry red face, “But– but I don’t like that Mama said that to me, Daddy,” she continues, looking at him very seriously, “I like to bite so much,” followed by the most conniving smile he’s ever seen, besides Ellie’s, blooming proudly across her angel sweet face. He’s forced to swallow his laugh and explain the merits of listening to her mother, something they must all do. When he turns back to look at Lena, she’s licking the spilled whipped cream out of the grass. They have to go inside for baths after that. 

At Kate’s behest, they have spaghetti and meatballs for dinner that night. Tommy, Maria and their son joining the family alongside Nancy, so that the table’s chock full of the people who care about him, all coming together to celebrate one more year of Joel’s life. By the end of the meal, he has all three girls perched on his lap, eating spaghetti off of his plate because, Daddy, it just tastes so much better from yours, obviously. He’s never been able to say no to them, and he isn’t about to start tonight, and you roll your eyes, but you also look at him with that gleam that tells him that if he asked you for another baby tonight, you’d probably not say no. They eat his food and yank on his hair and stab him with pointy sharp elbows in the ribs repeatedly, at one point someone sticks their finger up his nose, pulling his nostrils apart to look inside. 

“Daddy, why do you have so many hairs all over?”

“It’s so dark and scary in there, Daddy.”

Clara nods so fast her curls bounce up and down around her head, “I feel scared when I look up there,” green eyes wide. 

“What are they for, Daddy?”

Questions volleyed at him so fast he doesn’t have a chance to answer a single one of them. “If you eat spaghetti, will your boogers taste like spaghetti after?” Ellie, ever brilliant and helpful, suggests they try some to verify the theory.

“What is verify?” One asks.

“And what is seery?” Another calls. Birdie’s red in the face with laughter, and Joel feels very tired and very old and very ready to take his wife to bed. 

“A theory is when you think about something,” Tommy says, and gives him that look he’s wont to throw his way when he’s about to make fun of Joel for not being able to keep it in his pants and stop procreating. 

“And verify is to make sure,” Joel tells them.

“What is to make sure?”

“To know something.”

Kate nods solemnly, while Clara pauses, and then says, “I don’t think I know anything.” That worried sort of look only a five year old can get when an idea is just too big, crossing her little face.

Chuckles sound around the table, “That’s alright, sweetheart. Don’t you worry about it.”

-

As they say good night, the girls packed and ready to spend the night at Tommy and Maria’s, Ellie and Dina taking baby Connie, Ellie pokes and prods at you. 

“Would you quit, you little shit.”

“Dinner was nice, step mommy,” giving you a smarmy little smirk. 

“You know, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Oh?”

“It’s serious.” 

She cocks an eyebrow at you, “Spit it.”

“Well, I was wondering if you’re going through something right now? If you’re okay?”

“What? What do you mean?” Face twisted in confusion. 

You snicker, pulling on the ends of her recently shorn hair, “Then what’s up with the new fuck ass little bob you’ve got going on?” She slaps you away, swatting at your arms, reaching down to get at your thighs too. 

“Fuck you, mother fucker,” she laughs, trying to yank on your hair too. 

“Stop it. You have to respect me. I’m your step mother, remember?” 

“You’re so annoying.” You hear Joel call at the two of you to knock it off, but goes entirely ignored. 

“Poor Dina’s gotta look at this mess. Let her know if she ever needs to get away from it, she can come stay here any time she likes.” 

“I hate you,” she laughs, and you pull her in for a tight hug, another pinch to your side before she hugs you back. 

“Tough shit, I love you.” She squeezes you tight, grumbles a little before returning the sentiment. 

“Thank you,” she whispers into your shoulder, “For making him so fuckin’ happy.” You squeeze her tight as you can before she shoves you away, pretending not to sniffle and rolling her eyes at you. “Now stop being so fucking weird and sappy, and say good night to your football team.” 

-

“Blood Meridian again?” You ask him from where you’re standing at the kitchen island, snipping the ends of the flowers Nancy had brought with her and arranging them in a vase. “How many times’ve you read that?” He’s sitting on the sofa, facing you, reading glasses sitting crooked and bent on his nose from where someone’s little foot had crushed the frames. You watch the flicker of his gaze as he peeks at the page number, and then snaps the book shut. He never uses a bookmark, always just remembers. 

“Dunno–” big sigh, long stretch, “More than I can count now, I suppose.” He settles back into the couch, pushing his hips forward to slouch deep, tired, spreading his thighs wide, tempting you. You finish with the flowers, walking the vase to take center stage on the new table. At the far end of the table, right by your spot, he’s carved a tiny little sparrow into the surface of the oak. The etching so fine, so delicate, in comparison to the sight of him, big and brusque. It would be almost unbelievable to someone who didn’t know him as you do, who didn’t know the violence he’d endured to make him so gentle, someone who hadn’t watched him pull your newborn daughters from your own body, who hadn’t witnessed the incredible sight of him cradling those tiny little babies in his infinitely strong arms. You turn back to look at him over the hill of your shoulder, taking in the sight of him watching you, appraising your form. The slow rove of his eyes starting at your bare feet, moving up your legs as if his gaze was a physical manifestation of his hands on your skin, over the swell of your bottom, the slope of your spine, the fine crest of your shoulder, landing on your face. You can see his eyes moving over the planes of you, your chin, your mouth, cheeks, your eyes. He lands there, stays. You know he’ll be hard beneath his jeans when you go over to him. 

“C’mere – come sit on me,” voice soft and sultry. 

“Sit on you?”

“Mhmm, come tell me how much you love me.” He pats his thigh, and you move towards him slowly, shaking your head at him. 

“Needy.” You reach him, hitching your knee over his lap to straddle him, and he pulls you close and tight against his warm, wide chest.

“So needy.” He nuzzles into the fine tendrils of hair over your forehead, his breath hot and soft on your skin. “Need ya so much, Birdie.” A soft kiss to your temple, another to the flared end of your eyebrow, and you squirm on his lap, hot and restless and needy also, a fine thrumming ache flaring throughout the various pressure points in your body. Your throat, the inner curves of your elbows, the backs of your knees, deep in the pit of your belly. You feel weak and trembling, and he fills his hand with your hair, bringing it to his face and rubbing the soft curls against his cheek. “It’s time I take you to bed, isn’t it?” You hum against his collarbone, taking in the scent of his skin, fresh and clove-like, cedar sap and sage and Joel, you nod slowly against him. 

He runs a bath for the two of you, filling the deep clawfoot tub in the master bathroom. He’d outfitted the house from the get-go with the same system for electricity and water that Jackson ran on. And he pulls your clothes from you slowly, running rough, caressing hands over the sensitive slopes of your curves, gentle pinches and squeezes to the places he likes most which is all of you. When the two of you sink into the tub, he sits between your legs, wide back leaning back on your chest so that you can run your hands along the strong breadth of him. You taste the water off his skin and listen to the sound of him rumble and purr like some sort of overgrown wolf beneath your touch. 

“Did Clara tell you what happened at school yesterday?”

“Said you told her no more biting.”

“Did you tell you she punched some poor boy?”

“She did what?” He tenses, long fingers wrapping tightly around the circumference of your ankle in his lap.

“She called one of the boys in her class, and I quote, a little fucker, and then socked him in the nose.”

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Clara,” he sighs, laying his head back on your shoulder. “Why in the hell did she do that?”

“She’s your daughter.”

He hums as if he can’t bring himself to disagree with the reasoning. “Little fucker probably deserved it.”

“You’re not supposed to call children fuckers, Joel.” He grunts. “She also told him that her dad was going to beat up his dad.”

“Oh my God. I’m too old for this shit.”

“They’re heathens because of you. I hope you know this.”

“They ain’t heathens. They’re perfect.”

“You weren’t saying that last week when they painted your face blue.”

“Jesus, you’re right. Thought it was never comin’ off.” You snort, rolling your eyes at him, but hugging him closer. The best father anyone could ever want for their children, surely. “Gotta teach her how to throw a good punch,” he adds to himself. 

You wash each other’s hair after that, taking turns lathering each other up, rinsing out the suds, and when he’s finished with you, he carries you to bed. Lays you out like his own personal feast and tastes you everywhere. The pads of your water-wrinkled toes, the backs of your knees, the crest of each hip bone, cruelly bypassing the place you need him most. Dragging his mouth over your stomach, tongue savoring the silvery streaks left behind by the growth of your daughters inside of you, over your nipples, dark and swollen. His mouth rests at the notch of your throat lightly, and then, whispered against the moist spot he’d made with his tongue, “You’re the only dream I’ve ever had. You know that?” And you tell him that you do, you do know, your husband who is, in his own right, like a dream figure. 

Finally, taking pity on you, he slides down between your thighs, making room for the incredible breadth of his shoulders, and gently as possible spreads you apart with his thumbs, takes in the sight of your embarrassingly slick, untouched cunt. He blows a slow stream of cool air over your pulsing clit, and bends his head to lightly drag his tongue over the swollen bundle. And you’re going to cry, real, desperate tears. “Joel, please, don’t be mean.” But he’s never been very good at that.

“Oh, I know,” he tuts, “My poor baby. Been waitin’ all day haven’t you?” He’d purposely not made you come all day. This had been his plan all along, you know it. Another, light as air slip of his tongue, his mouth, sliding down to your leaking opening, mouthing against it, barely there. “You’ve made me the happiest man in the whole world, little bird. You know that?” And he licks your clit for real this time, the broad, flat of it pressing against you in one long, slow swipe. You can’t answer, ragged moan clawing up your throat. You reach for his dark head bent to your sex, one small foot propped against his thick shoulder to anchor yourself as he starts to eat you. Sucking hard and fast on your poor, throbbing clit, moving down to spear the strong muscle of his tongue into your pussy. You want more, you want his cock, you want it, you want it, you want it. He sucks the orgasm out of you, lapping and kissing at your cunt until you’re shuddering and shivering, clenching around that terrible, painful emptiness, leaking onto his tongue, and then surging up quickly. Massive fist around his cock, he presses the drooling head at your clit, teases you there slowly, watches the heave of your breasts as you struggle for breath. You bring your knees up, spread wider, inviting him in, and he notches the head slowly, giving you nothing more than the flared crown. He pauses there, thrusting shallowly, watching your swollen, red pussy swallow him, and head catching on the blushed rim, he spits, rubbing the flat of his fingers over the crest of your sex, the unsheathed length of his cock, and then presses in, in, in, in, all the way. You give a warbled whimper, trying to twist away, clawing at the sheets. You’ll never be used to it, never not enjoy the twinge of hurt when he gives you the whole thing. “Fuckin’ love it when you sing for me, little bird,” he moans. And he doesn’t give you a chance, doesn’t give you a second, he never does, setting a hard and brutal pace, riding your cunt like he owns it, because he does. 

He wraps his hand around the round of your breast, squeezing, but still careful of how sensitive you are, thumb flicking at the tender nipple, and you spread your legs wider, one hand hooking beneath the sweaty back of your knee to pull yourself open, your other hand reaching down to cup the swinging weight of his balls as he thrusts up into you. He bares his teeth at you, wide palm landing with a little snapping slap low on your pelvis to press down, feel himself from the outside as you squeeze his balls. He shakes his head at you, fire in his eyes, “You’re gonna end up pregnant again, Birdie,” voice chastising, a little like a threat.

You close your eyes, back arching to take him deeper, don’t care, you want to say. “N– no, noooo, can’t” you pant instead, “Can’t get pregnant – breastfeeding.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time, little girl.” He lets himself fall forward, the bone of his pelvis grinding against your clit, and your cunt goes tight and so, so fucking wet, throbbing and fluttering around him, trying to suck him deeper, working around the hard invasion as you start to come. His sweaty, steaming head falls to your breast, mouthing wetly, fucking you through it, just like that, he murmurs, my perfect girl. 

“Don’t– Don’t come in my pussy then.”

“No?” He slows his thrusts once he’s felt the trembling of your walls around him settle, lets his hips seesaw in and out slow and languorous, long provoking strokes. “Should I fill that sweet ass instead?” And despite the fierce blush that washes along the length of your body, you nod shyly at him, running your hands down his belly. The fact that he still possesses the ability to drive you to shyness after all this– “Say it, baby. I gotta hear it.” You flush impossibly deeper, little toes curling in humiliated excitement and lust.

“Please, daddy, please– I want it in my ass.” He pulls out suddenly, the lewd wet squelch of your cunt closing hungry around nothing. He spreads his fingers over the length of your sex, slick, gleaming cock, flushed so red it’s almost purple, veins pulsing along the length. “Gorgeous thing,” he murmurs as he starts to pet at your ass gently, thumb swiping, giving you light pressure, and then pushing in slowly, slowly. Your mouth falls open, gasping, eyes wide and wet and probably, definitely, a little pleading. “Lemme in, Birdie. Let me have this sweet little hole.” You nod, a marionette caught on his string, hips starting to hitch and follow the thrust of his invading thumb. “I’m gonna fill it with my come, and then watch it drip out of you. That what you want, baby?” Yes, yes. He pulls his thumb from you, slides his slick hand over your leaking sex again, and then fists his cock, the dull pressure of the wide head at your back entrance, pushing in slowly, making you feel the stretch and burn of it. Your fingers claw and scrape against his chest and abdomen, trying to pull him towards you, push him away, legs shifting restlessly at his sides until he’s buried to the hilt, heavy sac pressed against the curve of your bottom. Sweat slides in steaming rivulets down his temples, his neck, and a bright red flush moves across his chest and up his thick neck. You watch a violent shudder jerk through him, lashes fluttering closed, and then screwing shut tightly as he tries to control the rush of his oncoming orgasm. He runs his hands up your stomach, the dips of your waist and hips, wrapping around your breasts. “You’re doing so well, my little love.” He opens his eyes to take you in, pulls his hips back, and then pushes in again. “Taking my fat cock in this tiny hole. Look how messy and wet your greedy cunt is. You want me to fuck you here too?” He pulls your lips apart, wide, thrums at your swollen clit, and then starts to press a single finger slowly into your pussy. And oh, it’s too much, it’s too much, stretched and stuffed so full of him everywhere, the play of his fingers also on your clit, he starts to fuck your ass in hard, jolting thrusts, growling your name through clenched teeth. 

“Look at it,” he spits, “Look at where I’m fucking you open. Look at how you’re all fucking mine.” Your heart beating out of your chest, insides twisting and throbbing, you take in the sight of your blushed sex stretched to obscenity around him, his soaking fingers, two of them now, pressing slowly in and out of your cunt as he slams into your ass. You let your head fall back, “I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come – oh God.” You cross your arms over your face to hide the sight of your overwhelmed tears, and he pulls his fingers out to slap the top of your cunt in a single stinging swat that you feel reverberate in the place he’s impaling you with his cock. “Nuh uh, you let me look at that gorgeous face when you come all over me.”

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t – it’s too much. 

He doesn’t give you a choice. There’s never been much of that where he’s concerned. Everything below your navel goes painfully tight, white light streaking across your eyes as you twist and writhe beneath him, and he follows suit, starts to fill you in thick pulses, the heat of his spend coating your insides with a savage snarl of your name, the breath nearly knocked out of you with the intensity of your shared orgasm. He lets his weight fall over you, pressing you into the bed, massive body shivering and jerking, buried deep inside of you, and after the last spit of his cock, he pulls from you slowly, moaning softly and rolls the both of you over. Draping your listless form over his chest, arranging your limbs how he pleases. You shiver and feel the sweat cool along the slope of your spine, enjoy the tickle of your lashes catching in the coarse hair of his chest. You feel him play with the long tresses of your hair, draping them over his chest and shoulders, rubbing the smell of you against himself. Picking up the hand curled over his shoulder, he absently draws the backs of your fingers against the edge of his jaw and his ear, kissing and sucking on the soft tips. 

“Tell me you love me,” you tell him.

“I love you, Birdie.”

Birdie, Birdie, my Birdie.

“Tell me that you’ll always love me.”

“I’ll always love you. For the rest of my life, as long as I live, I’ll love you.”

-

Nights later, after the excitement of celebration has died down, and the family’s settled back into peaceful routine, you think about when you’d first realized you were pregnant with Clara, and how you’d worried the news would disturb the happiness and peace he’d fought so hard to find for so many years, terrified that in some way, you’d force him into a situation he didn’t want, wasn’t prepared for. Now, looking across your large bed, two dark, curly heads, another bright, blonde as a star, separating the two of you while he sleeps deep and peacefully, Connie in her crib at your side, you are once again, like so many other times, hit with the full appreciation for the miracle this family is, how wrong you were to ever worry about it being anything but. 

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my extended family is having a lot of fun pointing out how I’ve gained weight since they last saw me… I’M AWARE!