Personal Journal - Tumblr Posts
Personal Journal Entry
Saturday, April 12, 2014 4:23 AM: It’s been nearly two weeks since we had to say goodbye to our little home. Five years there for me and two years for her. Even though we didn’t have a kitchen and had to prepare our meals in the bathroom, we loved it. It was our home. But we couldn’t afford $550 a month on our severely limited income. We struggled to keep our home but finally lost the battle. The hardship of disability can go way beyond the disability itself. The constant companions of heartbreak, fear and frustration can be far more devistating.
I’m so tired. We took a nap after dinner and woke up late. She wanted to go back to sleep. I was hungry and wanted to get up. She laid back down and I went to the living room, had cookies and milk and watched Hanger One. I’m exhausted but can’t sleep.
We have four days left before the end of our two week stay at this stop to find a place to live, to exist, w not even one viable prospect. I feel certain something will turn up, something has to, but I can’t stand not knowing what. It’s wearing on us both.
I feel so badly for her. She’s such a good and sweet girl. I don’t know what I would do w out her. I keep trying to remind myself of and practice my own advice. It’s difficult. But then, being homeless is difficult.
It’s so strange to see all that I worked for my entire life dwindled away to just so many boxes. They’re like tiny coffins, each containing a small representation of my life all stored in my son’s basement like the impersonal catacombs of a long forgotten funeral home. Therein lies all the shattered hopes and dreams of a lifetime scattered and disorganized waiting to be resurrected. But each day I see more and more of what little is left of my remains being sold off for pennies on the dollar to perpetuate my questionably purposeful and meaningful existence. There may be soon not even a morsel of my life left to be resurrected. The Phoenix rose from ashes but what if there are no ashes to be found, is the Phoenix doomed to non-existence?
I’m going to lay down and try to get some sleep. Hopefully, my twilight dreams will inspire me. But what has always worked for me in the past seems to have consistently failed me over these last seven years. Still, I continue to hope. Hope seems all that I have left.
What is really sad, and says so much about our society, is that it is highly unlikely that anyone will stop to read this. There isn’t anything that anyone can do but it would be so helpful if people just cared.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever become one of them. It is no longer “them”. It is “us”. ~ Trabue Gentry
Journal 2 - 4/17/2021
Yesterday was my first day finally getting back on track with my new routine and I plan on keeping up with this new routine. It isn't as daunting as I thought it would be and seems like a lot but putting in the right amount of effort and taking necessary breaks will improve my perspective on life as a whole.
With my cold finally gone and with eating the right amount of calories and proteins I can say that my workout last night was a success and I am back to feeling great! I just have to keep at it.
Today's Tarot Card:
(Pulled from my Fairy deck illustrated by Howard David Johnson) 4 of Summer. This card reads: 'Being distracted and failing to see magical opportunity. Taking someone or something for granted. Discontent with life.' At first I read this card as something I'm doing in my new routine is not substantial to my spiritual development but I think I can read it as that I'm not taking the right opportunities that I'm given to get in my daily practice such as meditation, study, anything to do with magick that I'm missing out on and should be improving upon. Never would I go out of my way to burn myself out but anything to help with my spiritual and mental state throughout the day is recommended.
Journal 4 - 6/20/2021
Card Pull of the Day:
(Fairy Tarot Card Deck by Doreen Virtue) Major Arcana 3 - The Empress. This card reads, "Time to take action! The power of creativity. Success that allows for life of luxury."
I feel like after this past couple of weeks that I am finally getting back on my feet again. I haven't been late for work for a few days (which is surprising). Lately I've been feeling a little "reawakened" and it's like being able to see things in a different light than what I'm used to. Something's changed and it feels like for the better.
I've recently picked up a second job that I will be doing on one of my days off from my normal job. Something to help me on along in saving money for a new place to live. I'm hoping to move in by the end of August. It's a little more expensive but honestly it's better than where I currently live. Lately my dreams have been a little unnerving and I suspect it's from stress. I'm waiting patiently for my vacation here in a week and a half. So many experiences I'm going to encounter ^_^.
Journal 5 - 7/20/2021
Personal Updates and More
I am going to be really honest and say that I didn't think I would ever get over 100 followers! Thank you all so much for following! It really means a lot to me especially with what I have been going through for the past few months. You are all super fun and I love being able to feel welcome in such a compassionate community of witches and solitary practitioners alike. The energies that I feel when I'm here make me so inspired and motivated to keep learning more in all areas of magick, self care practices, and meditation. I admit I still have a long journey ahead of me but it's all going to make sense in the end.
A few updates: I didn't know that I would get so many requests for my free 3-card tarot readings! It's so wonderful! I'm a little backed up and have to put aside some time after work to complete them one at a time. I use a large amount of energy focusing on these readings and like to keep things detailed and worth while. I know that this process is very time consuming, but I love trying my best to read and interpret the cards to the best of my ability and I feel like the questioner deserves a legitimate response.
I also may be starting a new job soon! Somewhere where I won't be so stressed out and can finally be happy doing what I love doing. The hours won't be so hard on me either.
Moving has been quite a pain in such a short amount of time and I think the main thing I'm having trouble with getting past is finding where everything can go and try not to get bit by any spiders that may now be lurking around my boxes... I tried reaching for some face toner after washing my face and there was a giant, hairy spider hiding in the corner of my bathroom drawer... Not something I wanted to go to bed to...
Anyway, that's really all for now! Once again, if any of you are waiting on a tarot reading please be patient! The spirits and the cards will reveal what they want to reveal and sometimes it takes me quite a while to interpret them decently. Again, if you want a tarot reading please be very specific about your situation and share with me some personal attributes like your star signs and elementals. It's hard for me to get a read specifically for you if you just ask a question. This is the internet and unfortunately I have no way of really speaking face to face to get to know any of you. Thank you so much for your guys' time!
Thank you all you beautiful creatures on here!
RaveMey
Journal 6 - 7/27/2021
I think in the next couple of months I'm finally going to be seeing some change in my behaviour and hopefully very positive change in my work life. A manager I worked with who made me feel like I didn't have the potential to do anything with my life and who had been dating a coworker (which everyone knows is not allowed) for nearly 4 years has finally been fired from his position and I'm hoping that the coworker will follow after him. They both made working absolute hell for me and my other coworkers who had luck in finding different jobs. They have even stated to my boss the exact reason they decided to leave and because my boss is a paranoid, pigheaded, stubborn, and selfish person he straight up told them that they didn't know what they were talking about and that leaving was a mistake while laughing at their decision to leave.
Unfortunately I was never the one who reported on him, but for a long time he believed that I was the one who called ethics and would harass me about it when he got me alone anywhere at work.
I don't want to go too far into it but now that all that stuff is over, I feel like I'm going to be having a much better time working and I pray that the new manager that's picked will be someone with higher expectations and has trust in their employees. I only worked in this position for a year and four months now but just working under that specific manager made me want to completely give up on anything that I believed in. I'm still hoping I will be getting this different job though, as it does pay more and I believe that they are much better on their employees, I feel like starting over and just want a fresh start. Make new friends, have better people to work with and no more scum bags.
That's all for now on updates in my personal life. I really just wanted to get that off of my chest because now I feel like I'll actually have the energy to get back into things I love without feeling like absolute trash after working all day long to please absolutely nobody. I'll be back later tonight~ Now is time for some errands and chores. (And maybe an energy drink to get me going *wink* - - *whispers * my fiancé doesn’t want me to drink them but I want to soooo)
Journal 7 - 8/17/2021
So although I have been sick for the last few days, I'm starting to come back slowly. I don't need to stay in bed all day anymore luckily and I'm back on my feet. My coughing still needs to be worked on so I'm hoping the Robitussin takes care of that officially. Today's my last day off from work and I hope to get some stuff planned and taken care of today despite my exhaustion still. (I know I should still rest but my mind is awake and I cannot take another day of doing nothing... it actually annoys the heck out of me.)
Anyway, things have been looking up for me lately, I have a new job that I will be starting soon in September~ I'm hoping this will be a much more positive work environment and won't be completely draining all the time. I'll still be doing the same thing but the new environment has been something I've been after. There are some people in my current work environment that have a vendetta against me for no reason and I can't even reason with them because I don't know what they're mad about. It's grown into such an awful, hateful work atmosphere... And you know it's bad when even in my fever dreams, it's about my hateful coworkers... It's literally driving me to madness. It's funny because I used to get along with everyone perfectly fine, I literally don't know what happened.
Lately I've been planning some extra content, reading up on some books, studying up, trying to come up with a "curriculum" (not quite sure what to call it) for all of you. I feel like I've really been falling flat on my face lately and I apologize... Life is difficult for me right now financially and mentally. I have all these ideas and don't quite know what to do with them yet unfortunately but it'll come to me, I promise.
Stay Blessed,
RaveMey
Journal 8 - 9/3/2021
Hey everyone! I hope you all are doing well! I have been feeling so much better lately, covid was nothing more than a mild flu for me so nothing a whole lot of Nyquil and rest couldn't do. It feels so amazing to have my taste and smell back, you don't realize how much you miss something as simple as taste until it's gone! Anyway, I'm really hoping in the next couple of months things will start getting more on track. It's been a rough almost 4 months now financially, physically, and mentally and sometimes I feel like giving up on everything. But, because I am increasingly strong-willed, I never do.
Been thinking lately that I'll start doing more spell projects, get more interesting witchy books, and post a little more on that aspect. It's just been rough with so many people around. (I don't necessarily get a lot of alone time unfortunately... and when I do I have to be in public at the park or in the mountains). So luckily with my new work schedule things will be changing up here and there, people I live with probably won't enjoy it but things suck to suck I guess. An update on Tarot Readings: I am booked and I thank you all for considering me for your tarot readings! It's just going to take quite a while for me to get through them all~ I thank you all for your patience and I'm glad that some of you find my readings to be super helpful! It means so much to me! All readings are still on a first come-first serve basis~
I also wanted to make this announcement here as well: I now have a Patreon! I put in a lot of time and energy for Tarot Readings, spell and ritual work, and other great things for all witches alike to enjoy. It would be so awesome if you guys came on by to support me there for just a dollar a month! I hope to raise enough money to get more things on the ball for you guys and to hopefully start a YouTube channel or even a podcast!
Journal 9 - 9/29/2021
It's another journal entry time!~ (You guys probably don't like them but I have an important announcement to make.)
Tarot Readings lately have been feeling very repetitive and some I feel like are straight up spam. I've made new requirements for Card Reading submissions here-> https://ravemey.tumblr.com/post/655481934013710336/free-1-card-tarot-readings
Please read through the entire post before submitting a question for Card Readings. Anything that does not meet my requirements will be deleted. I made these rules because there are just too many simple, anonymous questions and it's making it harder for me to get to the legitimate questions and situations some are wishing to be answered. Sorry for any inconvenience.
In other news, I have been slowly catching up on bills and have been in "work only and no play" mode and will most likely be like this throughout most of the month of October unfortunately. I'll try my best to post a little more and see where it takes me. I thank you all for the support and I'm so happy that my blog here has become so big (whether it means anything or not).
I also wanted to make a group chat here for devotional followers of witchcraft, but seeing that Tumblr took away group chats altogether I may have to find some way else to create a chat for everyone.(I’m considering Discord… but unfortunately, since I live under a rock, I don’t know how it works and get too confused on the platform)…
I hope you all have a wonderful end of September and I hope to celebrate Samhain with you all!
Journal 10 - 12/10/2021
Hello everyone! I'm fresh out of hiatus and have been working on something that could satisfy everyone's Tarot needs with the use of my Patreon! I have been having a couple of rough months with rent, bills, and other expenses and have not been able to keep up with them. Working late shifts and working extra hours to possibly have the money for Christmas/Yule activities, but unfortunately it's not going according to plan. Especially with the impending doom I'll be facing by the end of the month with getting my wisdom teeth removed with surgery :( (I'm scared... mentally and financially)
I am currently no longer accepting 1-card Tarot Readings here on Tumblr (but may bring them back in the future) and have opened 2 new tiers on my Patreon that will allow for patrons to submit readings throughout the month plus the content I post there: Spells, Rituals, and informative, witchy book and movie reviews. Tarot Readings will range from $6-$12 a month or you could just have the one reading done and cancel the subscription {you won't hurt my feelings :)}. The $6 subscription will allow 2 readings monthly using the 3-card setup (past, present, future). The $12 subscription will allow up to 4 readings a month also of the 3-card setup. Both will be by email only, providing a picture of the reading and a typed out, detailed description of the cards and the meaning according to your submission (like how I've done here in the past :) ). Tiers do have limited capacity! You can read more about the Tiers in the link! Please do go check it out!
It is a safe space for all and I encourage discussion if you beautiful people would love to join! My goals are set to eventually make a YouTube, Podcast, and even send out goodies and do giveaways for all my witchy friends! I really want to do more with the witch community and learn more about you guys! I really hope to see you there!
I will be finishing all the 1-card readings that have been submitted prior to closing! I don’t like leaving loose ends with you guys! You guys are so important to me 🥰
Journal 12 - 4/5/22
So I am officially moved out from one temporary home to another temporary. I'm horrendously exhausted from the amount of work but I'm done. Just have to focus on work, relax on a couple of weekends to get settled initially and think of ways to get out of this block I have going on. Today I came across a new Tarot deck and have been thinking about using it all day. The artwork is lovely and reflects my softer side, filling each card with pastels and simple but beautiful artwork.
On the other hand, this move has been affecting me mentally and I have been struggling to keep myself afloat and try to get through the day without having a breakdown. I can't help but think to myself, "This isn't a home for me... I don't come back every day to a home but someone else's livelihood..." and I can't help but feel like a nuisance. I feel trapped, I feel claustrophobic. I have a system to my chaos and I cannot unleash who I am in this place. I don't know how long I will be here nor do I know where I will end up in the future, but it's pulling me farther and farther from the things and people I love. I just want to go away for a while and do something different. Alone. By myself. No distractions. I never achieve that normalcy and I no longer expect to have it anymore. It's like I'm not allowed that luxury and it's truly frustrating.
Anyway, enough of my complaining, I will be here still, just need to get my feet back on the ground and figure out a game plan. Relax (which is difficult all in itself when it shouldn't be) and get some sleep (which is also almost impossible). This was my rant, I hope all a good day and bless those who are struggling as well. May we all have a pleasant sleep tonight.
Journal 13 - 7/08/2022
This is going to be a long one, so stick with me here.
So my move in has been a success, need furniture, but I have a place to stay and that's what matters. I'm hoping that this will be a semi permanent solution for me to go back to school and grow in a better setting. The problem now is the negativity following me after finally getting out of the situation I was placed in.
I was previously in an environment with constant negative energy due to a friend going through a hard time because he was recently divorced. Me and my fiancé did our best to be there for him but he would not take our advice, made us out to be the bad guys saying that we weren't real friends, and was expecting us to put him before ourselves which caused a rift in our friendship unfortunately. We've tried to get him to seek help but he claims friends are all he needs but really he was expecting us to be his personal therapists, which isn't fair to me or my fiancé. We had no time to ourselves and whenever we did the friend would get mad that we weren't talking to him or inviting him to places that were meant for only me and my fiancé. I tried to include him in activities with other people and because he wasn't the center of attention he had a meltdown and blamed us for everything. It continued to get worse when he began posting everything to social media expecting to get a rise out of me or my fiancé even posting pictures of self harm (which I then reported).Long story short, right after we moved out due to the stress that he was putting on us, our friend then became more aggressive the more we refused to say anything about the posts and claimed that we were ignoring him and that he was going to take us to small claims court over rent money but we never signed anything for an official lease. Lastly, he stated that he was going to commit suicide due to us... THIS IS NOT OKAY.
I'm saying all this to present awareness that there are people out there that you simply cannot continuously entertain because it is detrimental to you as a person. Having someone else's crushing depression and self-injury guilt put on your shoulders every day is not okay. If you, your friend or family member are showing obvious signs of depression and increasingly negative thoughts, please call for welfare checks and refer them to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255 if possible.
Journal 14 - 03/18/2023
I'm motivated and ready for Spring to finally come but I am lost currently, scared to keep moving... I have been left in a dark place in the last few months and feel like I have stepped into a different body/person. Ever since I was sick a couple weeks ago, I have felt different. Almost like I don't know myself anymore.
I have honestly been a little afraid for the last month, something has changed within me and I have been confused lately.
My dreams have been vivid yet, I don't remember the themes, colors, feelings, etc. in order for me to record them, I have not been able to meditate with the sudden loss of concentration. I have performed my Springtime Restart spell once again and I'm hoping that the effects will begin to take this week once the candle has been used.
A couple of days ago, I took too short of a trip to the woodland park 30minutes away from where I live, and unfortunately I didn't have the time to reflect, meditate, or get in-tune with the natural sources around me. Nothing has seemed to have been working for me.
I think this week, I am going to take a short hiatus. Read some books, take notes, finish my college assignments, and try to re-establish a connection with myself before proceeding further into spiritual practice, as it has caused me nothing but worry that I may have lost connection with myself.
Allow yourself to heal and rest, there is nothing more upsetting than to keep moving when you don't feel like moving at. I have learned that the more I force myself, the more emotional and unsteady I become.
I will be back later, hope to see you all sooner than later.
RaveMey
Journal - 06/06/2023
So to start this out, I will be going on a little bit of a hiatus. Things have not been going too well and there are a lot of things I need to set aside and reorganize.
Me and my life partner has been struggling with money and we’re trying to figure out how to pay off our debt. It's been lonely, exhausting, and has been wearing on both of us mentally and even physically.
My Patreon will remain open to the public for days that I will want to post something, but I will not have the tiers available for those looking to join on a monthly basis (this means no tarot readings will be available either, personal and monthly). I will do my best to stay active here but it's looking more and more unlikely that I will be able to keep up weekly in the next few months.
Part of my reorganization journey will include taking a break from college, as recent events have stressed me enough to the breaking point that I can barely keep up. Eventually, I will rejoin for the next semester but I don't know when that will be, I'm hoping by then that I will have enough time to take more classes and earn my degree quicker.
Anyway, I really hope that all you witches and beautiful creatures are doing great and have had a great start to your Summer (or Winter for the Southern Hemisphere). I'm wishing that all of you have a wonderful day and I will see you all when I am more mentally prepared and having a better time in life.
I will still stream live here every now and then so keep a lookout for that if you're interested.~
Thank you all for being here,
RaveMey
Just being on Tumblr gives me so much joy because of how many versions of nerds are out there that are just like me and it makes me so happy that it makes me wanna scream into a blanket and kick my feet up in the air, listening to early 2000's nostalgia pop to rekindle my love for life and everyone around me. There's so much cats, so much funny stuff, so many potential fellow PJO enthusiasts to potentially make friends with. AND ISIAKABEJEJA ANNSEJSNAJKAKJWKNW I LOVE IT SMMMMMMMMMMMMMM