Sequoia Red - Tumblr Posts
Everyone is always 'sorry' afterwards. But I know it's only to remove the feeling of guilt, something for themselves. As I am forever the stain they want to remove
--mid day eye opener, Sequoia Red
My instinct is to get out. But I'm stuck here, surrounded by the very people who constantly remind me my heart is not worthy of understanding.
---mid longing, Sequoia Red
I'm tired of hiding. I've hid who I am for so long, locked myself away as it wasn't okay to be who I am. But I am tired of hiding.
- Sequoia Red
According to you, I stand wrong. I act wrong, I breathe wrong. I live wrong. I am the utter definition of wrong.
- Sequoia Red
I am about to lose my home. I have been apartment hunting, trying to find a place and I haven't found one. Phone calls, applications and wishful thinking. Two days and seven hours is all I have left to stand on a floor, sit in my room, type on this computer. Soon I won't have electricity, Internet, a bed, a room, a kitchen, a home...I will have my boxes, and I may not even have that. I may just have my small bag to carry my necessities. I've asked the few people I do know for help, most abandoned me, others apologized but couldn't accommodate me, others just stared, 'that sucks.' This reminds me of what I learned years ago at 17 when my best friend died. And that's everything could be going wrong in your life, but everything around you looks perfect, even peaceful. I was walking around going from an apartment building I was hoping to enter, and the sky was a beautiful blue, the breeze was cool and refreshing, birds were singing, and kids were even playing in their driveway while their mother watched. The day felt like every other that I had once enjoyed. How can I feel so empty and broken, lost and even desperate on the inside while the outside world seems to be glowing with it's own rhythm and beat that has never matched my own? This is probably one of my last post as my computer will be boxed and stored or boxed and sold or boxed and stolen. Not sure what will happen over these next few days. I thought I could figure it out. I thought I'd find a way because I've made it this far. But it looks like this may be the end of the road. This may be where I am finally too weak to tread water and just sink to the bottom, take in all the water, never seen daylight, never feel air in my lungs again.
Sequoia Red (taken from my heart)
“I used to pray death would come for me, due to the pain you caused me and the pain that was there before and you never did a thing. You could never see me. But now…I pray for the opportune time. The time I become everything you could not. Everything you never believed or supported me to be. The moment you look at me at a distance and without me having to say it you hear it…’Suck it.’”
Sequoia Red
I am the queen of screw ups. I should have ran away when I had the chance. Now I just want this to be over. But it never ends, It's just pain after pain, blood staining every inch of me.
- Sequoia Red
Uninhabited cluster. I wonder if Jesus ever felt like this? open. vast. loneliness. So much uninhabited space, empty and yet an incredible amount of clustered pain. frustration. confusion. uneasiness. anxiousness… I have a mother and a father, under the same roof. A sister and brother, who moved 386km away because that is how far their hearts and minds desire to live from mine... But I am...alone...abandoned...’ (via - Sequoia Red)
-- Sequoia Red
“My family, they ‘love’ me But neglect me and consistently beat out my passion, inspiration, self-belief And are usually quite successful As I have grown tired. I have to learn to not need the love of people. To just accept that when it comes to ‘that…’I am alone. When I cry for hours, they can’t hear and when I am in unimaginable pain, it seeps through my pores They still cannot see it. They cannot feel it Unless it is their own And even if I beg them to try They choose not to It’s time for me to go, to be fearful To shudder, And ignore it.”
- Sequoia Red
I have a love. And as strong as it is inside of me. It is not enough to help me. Help me survive help me make it. I find myself confused. Still lost. Still unable to communicate how I truly feel.
- Sequoia Red (taken from poem Why is it?)
I cried in an unclean place where I hate to spend time because I am forced to. Because I am without you.
- Sequoia Red [taken from Without]
My mind is so alert but my body is weak and broken. I feel like I will lose my sanity with all these thoughts of living while my body grows too tired to walk me through this life.
Sequoia Red
"I write about stress, darkness, emptiness, as I'm living it. Headaches and tears. Nothing but dead ends."
- Sequoia Red, taken from [I've Tried. It Hurts]