Sorry For Venting - Tumblr Posts
Hi Tumblr, this is gonna be a bit of a vent post. Sorry..
So all my life I've been the oldest out of 3. I've been the responsible one, the babysitter, the golden child. Earlier this year, my Mumma moved in with 2 of her kids. One of them is turning 3 soon, and the other is a few months younger than me. In the household, I'm still the oldest.
The parents have plans to go to Boston, the week before Christmas, to see Mumma's family. That includes her third child, he's 24. I'm no longer the oldest. I know it's stupid, but I freak out everytime I think about it.
I'm getting replaced. There's a new oldest, a new responsibility one, a new golden child. I'll be useless to the family. I won't have anything to contribute! I'm not funny and I can't light up the room like Hero. I'm not strong and I can't put an end to bullshit like Andrew. All I am is being responsible and being good and polite.
I know it'll never happen, but I'm scared I'll just be cast aside, when we meet Shane. No one will want to talk to or hang out with me because there's a new oldest. One who's cool and above the drinking age and has a girlfriend. I'm scared that now that I'm not the oldest anymore, everyone will remember how much of an asshole I was when I was younger and that'll be my new title. Axton the Asshole. The second oldest. The quiet jerky selfish mean one who hates everything and everyone.
I want to meet Shane, but I'm just scared everything will change when we do. I'm worried that everyone will forget about me and I'll just be sitting alone the whole time we're there.
I hope typing this will help me get over it.
Maybe venting a lil bit (sorry) because my partner just left to fly back home and I'm sad but. For some reason, and idk why this is, being like. Sad and upset. It makes me feel more angelic and more like a man than I can really explain. But maybe it's also like 4 something in the morning and I'm really tired. Who knows
Whoever gave me the ‘I’m responsible for my feelings’ speech did a pretty good job, growing up. Now, all I feel is guilt. Guilty for falling in love, for getting angry, for being disappointed, for trying to be happy. I feel responsible for whatever I feel.
Should I be?
I miss reading draco malfoy fanfics and being in love with him, I love the feeling of pure joy and a mixture of sadness with knowing he can never be with me, I miss hating dumb y/n or og but then proceeding to love her and hating draco (at times) instead which always resulted in me needing a tiktok break, I miss cringing when they get too clingy after being enemies for literal years, I miss feeling all these emotions which I need now because I feel numb, I promise I won't even get mad at puffy eyes from crying all night. honestly speaking, i feel maybe I'm not numb I'm just not in love with him which I refuse to believe but it does happen, and even though I was embarrassed of my draco phase I've come to admit it wasn't a phase maybe I like him but I'm not in love with him, I wish there was a cure for my lovesickness
8/4/22