Spidermanimagine - Tumblr Posts

—fix me up, my darling

pairing: tasm!peter x ill!reader

summary: while fighting against your illness, peter needs to learn, that he won't be able to save your life

warnings: mentions of illness and death, sad 

authors note: based on the song “fix me up” by Zach Sobiech.

you hadn’t slept a full night since you couldn’t remember. something always kept you awake. sometimes it was the sickness itself, throwing up on hours end or not getting enough air and having to drive to the hospital. even in the worst situations you tried to be optimistic. kept going. you were always a positive and happy person. but as the cancer grew it only became harder.

you didn’t do it for yourself anymore. you did it for the people who you loved, people that you’d leave behind. your mom, your dad, your big sister and peter, your boyfriend. 

you met peter in freshman year in highschool. he was into photography and pretty quite. you instanly took a liking to him. you personally, loved books, you had them placed everywhere around your room. it was years ago that you had a free space in your shelf so you had to keep them elsewhere. you would love the photos peter took and he decorated your whole room with them. sometimes he would buy you books or steal them from his aunt, so you could read them, before bringing them back. 

On most evenings, or sometimes, in the middle of the night, when he couldn’t sleep, peter would knock on your window and climb into your room, so you could read something to him. he loved to listen to you, reading your favorite book. but when he became spiderman, he didn’t come by as often, atleast not at night. and then last year, when the cancer was first discovered, he only visited at day. he knew how little sleep you were getting and he didn’t want to keep you awake too.

so it became a rarity that he would visit at night. only when he really needed you. tonight was such a night.

when peter knocked on your window (at 3 am), you looked up from your book and grinned, you were more than happy to see him. the pain in you abondem kept you awake, you were happy that he could distract you from it a little. when you opened the window, you immediately noticed his tear stained cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes.

“hey” his voice was raspy. “i’m sorry, i just really needed to see you” 

“no problem, come in, baby” 

you sat down on your bed, holding up your blanket, so peter could crawl under. you both kept silent. originally you were on your way to healthiness, until you weren’t. you knew for some time now.

about seven months ago, when the treatment stopped working and your body didn’t respond to it anymore. it was hard. it was hard accepting it, it was hard telling your family but it was even harder to tell peter. not that it was easier for your family to take in. but peter wasn’t a relative, you were bound to your family, a part of them, but peter could’ve been saved from the pain, if only you had stayed away from him from the beginning. but how could you have known? 

still, the guilt was eating you alive. suddenly you could relate to hazel grace from the fault in our stars. not wanting to hurt someone wasn’t easy.

“i couldn’t sleep” peter broke the silence. 

“you know you don’t have to do this, pete. i don’t want to hurt you”

“please don’t say this, we´ve been over this before, y/n and you know how i feel. i could never leave you, never” 

“i’m sor-”

“please don’t apoligise, let´s just talk about something else. tell me a secret”

tell me something you never told before 

“okay.. let me think. i guess the first time i saw you i liked you immediately. i know it sounds silly saying this now, but i just kind of knew. you were sitting at your table and looking trough photos on your camera. you were the first person i saw when i walked into the classroom”

before i walk trough the door, i adore you, i adore you. i do, i do 

peters eyes lid up as he watched you closely. a tear rolled down his cheeks, but he kept smiling. you laughed while thinking back to these happier days 

“i promise i will keep your secret” peter laughed as he grabbed your hand and interwined your fingers. “promise”

smile with me and cry with me. i won’t ever tell a soul. hold my hand, I'll squeeze it back and i’ll never let go

“while we’re at promises, can you please promise me one more thing?” 

peter hesitated. “...a promise if you die?” his voice cracked as he looked down to avoid your eyes

“when i die, pete” 

peters head shot up and his eyes became even more filled with tears.

“when i die you have to promise me that you’ll keep going, don’t look back, just focus on your future, peter. don’t give up”

Never give up, never look back 

“i can’t promise that, but i’ll try to keep going, i can’t promise you more than that” 

I won’t give up, but keep on trying

“thats okay, Pete. as long as you really try. don’t cry too much over me, when i died”

“if, y/n, if” peter sounded desperate. his other hand reached to your hair and feel through the short lenght, that had grown for half a year now. 

“you have to accept it, peter. nothing can cure me, not even you” your tear fell down on your interwined hands 

Dry your tears up, all your crying, cannot fix me up, my darling

“i will never be able to accept it, i will never be able to live without you, to not hear your laugh, to not tell you every secret i have, to not be with you”

twisty, turning, winding paths. I could listen to your laugh, as we tiptoe on these humble truths. i don’t want to lose you 

peter looked into your eyes. “and how i could i, you were the one that was always there for me and you showed me what it meant to love someone, deeply and unrationally but truly. and you teached me that it was a pretty good reason to always keep going”

show me how to love deeper than the surface, my friend and you can show me what it means to have purpose

“peter” you began, choking down sobs. “i don’t want to go, never. but eventually, i’ll have to. you know how much i regret bringing you into this, but as selfish as it sound, isn’t it amazing how i have people that make it so hard for me to say goodbye? you are the reason i look at my life and like what i see. these feelings i have for you, this doesn’t happen often. i love you and i will never forgive myself for leaving you, because its hard. it hurts and it will never be okay, but isn’t that something good too? this makes me remember how precious our love is. if it wasn’t hard, would it even be love?”

“this is not your fault. never think it is, okay love?” you shoke your head, yes, at his question. “and you’re right. it is hard and it hurts so so much. i understand what you mean. and i want you to know that you’re so so loved, deeply and to all ends.”

“thank you, peter” 

peter pulled you closer to his chest. and you both drifted to sleep. with tear stained cheeks and red eyes but with a deep feeling of peace.

__________________________________

peter stood next to your family. wearing a black suit and tie. all four looking towards the pastor. you passed a few days after your talk with peter. it happened at night, you were sleeping in your room. it was the first night since one year that you didn’t awake halfway trough. the last person you had talked to was peter. he had visited you, but was called away by a robbery. he looked deeply disappointed as he crawled out of your window. you laughed at his grimmace. 

“cheer up, you have to save the city, spidey” you spoke. 

“but i don’t want to leave you” 

“i’ll still be here when you come back” 

but you weren’t. when peter came back, he found your bed empty. sheets removed. he had sat there waiting for two hours. you didn’t answer your phone and no one was home. that was when he knew.

after the funeral, peter sat at your grave. 

“hey, baby” he began. “i miss you, i hope its nice where you are.”

he paused. “i just came by to let you know, that i’ll promise to do what you wanted” 

as he stood up to leave, he was held up by your mom. 

“we found this under her pillow” she said. “it is for you”

she gave him a white piece of paper, which was folded. on it was written his name in bold letters.

he sighed as he thanked your mother and watched her leave. than he opened the paper. 

you just promised, didn’t you?

although he had felt like crying he couldn’t help but laugh. you just knew him too well. he looked up at the sky and smiled, for the first time since your passing, as he would always smile at you.

peter went home and pinned the paper to his wall. next to all the pictures of you. this would stay in his room forever. he wouldn’t forget. and by that he made another promise...

“dry your tears up, all your crying, cannot fix me up my darling...” 

lacy

pairing: peter parker (mcu) x fem!fitzsimmons!reader

summary: peter parker was everything you wanted to be, but you just couldn't hate him for it

warnings: a few little spoilers for agents of shield, this is not as sad as i wanted it to be, but whatever

notes: reader is fitzsimmons daughter! i imagine them to be pretty young parents, she might be about 16 while they're 36

you weren't sure when your obsession with peter parker had begun, but you were sure that it was psychotic at this point. you couldn't help it. there was a thin line between love and hate and you danced it every day.

your problem was that you just couldn't hate him. you honestly wished you could, be he was perfect and he was nice and you wanted to be everything that he already was.

he was a hero and you wished you could help the people like he did. you weren't special. you didn't have any abilities, you mostly stuck to the lab and spend most your time inventing things for the people that were special.

ever since your parents team had finished their last mission your mother and father had settled into the avengers facility. they decided to only work from here, after they had had you, to keep you and each other safe. and naturally, you followed their example. you were incredibly smart, and how couldn't you? you were the daughter of the most brilliant scientiests shield and the world had ever seen.

it was your dream to leave these halls and go on missions like your parents used to, but they knew the danger and wanted to keep you safe. you were homeschooled and almost never left the tower. you were like rapunzel if she had been academically gifted.

this was your personal prison and you couldn't help but wonder if this was all you were fit for.

and then came peter. he was the same age as you and he was the living proof that there was always something more to aspire, that you wouldn't ever be able to reach.

maybe it was that self-destructive behaviour, but sometimes you wished that something would bite you or that someone would experiment on you, just so you could have what they had. this jealousy made you bitter. you didn't want to be like this, and you hated yourself for basically throwing longing glances after peter every day.

"hey, sweetheart" your dad stuck his head through the door of the labatory

"hey" you smiled softly

he walked into the room, your lab coat in hand. "you forgot it in the living room"

"thanks, dad" he smiled and patted your shoulder

"peter is on his way, his suit needs some adjustments i think"

you nodded and your father left the room. you turned your back to the door and began searching the material you would need to work on the spider-man suit.

peter parker was making his way down the hall towards you lab in the same time. what you didn't know was, that he probably had the same admiration for you as you for him. he would watch you any time you didn't look. he knew that your parents on their own were smarter than tony stark, so you were like magic to him. besides that you were beautiful and funny and he wished that you would look at him like your mum looked at your dad. that was the kind of love he was longing for

"peter" you said surprised as you noticed the boy leaning in the doorway

"hey" peter smiled, stepping inside the room, after you had nodded at him

"how can i help you?" you gently took the suit from his hands

"uuh, just some suit adjustments"

"why didn't you ask uncle tony to adjust it? he build the suit, didn't he?"

"you're smarter than him" he said quickly, not wanting to reveal the real reason. he would do anything to be in your presence

"i know that" you laughed "but this is a new one" you turned the fabric around. "nano-tech" you noticed "i'm not sure if i have the right tools to work on that"

"oh" peter just said, trying to think of something else to ask you "could you take a look at my web-shooters?"

"sure" you smiled. it wasn't the first time that peter made you take a look at things that were either completely fine or he could fix himself. it made you wonder if he did it to make you even more jealous. "is something wrong with them?"

"i'm not sure" peter scratched his neck "you're better than me with those things, i'm sure you will notice if there is a problem" he was proud, he could flatter you with his answer

you had to smile. and if he just did all this to make you jealous, he was so nice, you couldn't even hate him for it.

after inspecting the shooters for a few minutes, you gave them back. "they seem fine to me"

"okay" peter said "thank you" he grabbed his things and left the room, looking at you for a last time, before he walked down the hallway

he had hoped that you would eventually get the hint. you were smart enough to know that he could fix any web-shooter problem himself, but he wasn't sure how to reach you if it hadn't to do with what you could do best. to peter's luck your social competence was at the same level as that of your father, you didn't even think that he would visit your lab just to see you and not to anger you

you took a look at the clock, noticing that it was almost time for dinner. you took off the lab coat and your gloves, before you made your way downstairs. today was sunday, which meant that the whole team would eat together.

before you walked into the big dining room, you made a stop at your family's apartment.

"alya?" you called. you opened the door to your sisters room. she was playing on the floor together with deke.

"i'm not quiet sure you should be doing this" you grabbed your sister from the floor. she was about two years old now.

"quality time with my mother, why not?" deke stood behind you while you changed alya out of her pyjama

"because your mother is a toddler right now" you rolled your eyes. "i'm sure nana and bobo would agree with me" you said sarcastically, using the nicknames deke always used with your parents

"only bobo would" he corrected "nana would think i'm the cutest"

"sure" you shrugged, adjusting alya on your hip "are you coming to dinner or are you gonna continue hiding in here?"

"like you do in your lab?" he asked

"that's not the same and you know that" you shook your head "i'm not hiding, i'm working and it's not like i don't want to be outside of this building"

"sure" deke followed you out of the apartment and down the hallway to the labs. you knocked on the door

"mum, dad" you called "dinner!"

"just think about it!" deke encouraged "meeting different people.. boys" he smirked

"stop talking like this" you shook your head, disgusted "you're my nephew"

"and currently i'm like fifteen years older than you" he shrugged "and what you need is a bit experience in terms of da-"

fitz had just stepped into the hallway at the same second and left deke no other choice than to finish his sentence differently

"-ta analysis"

fitz nodded proudly "he's right, monkey. there is no science without data analysis, it rolls off the tongue amazingly, don't you think?"

your mum, who had just left the room looked between her husband and grandson confused.

"let's just go to dinner" you suggested "maybe leave the lab coats"

your family walked down the hallway together. despite you being too late, the table was entirely empty except for peter and vision.

"huh?" fitz wondered

"a new mission?" jemma asked vision and took alya out of your arms to seat her in the high chair

"indeed, doctor simmons" vision nodded "the team has been called to an emergency. peter wasn't wanted, that is why he is here"

"thank you, vision" peter smiled sarcastically

the sarcasm didn't quiet reach vision though. "not a problem"

deke and you were the last two people standing. before you could react, deke had sat down beside vision, leaving the last avaible seat next to peter. of course the table was huge, but it would be weird to sit down away from the others, so you obligated.

deke motioned to peter with his eyes. 'experience in terms of dating' he mouthed

'shut up' you mouthed back, trying to ignore him for the rest of dinner.

"so.." peter turned to look at you "how is school going, ms genuis?"

"pretty good, i'd say" you laughed awkwardly, shoving a few fries into your mouth "my teachers are happy with my performance"

"don't be silly, darling" your mother chimed in "her teachers are astounished by her workload. but yours must be too, peter. tony tells me, you are quiet intelligent yourself"

"ehh, thank you, doctor simmons" peter smiled

"jemma is just fine" your mother looked between you and peter. she had noticed how you looked at each other

"okay" peter nodded "thank you, jemma"

"yeah, you can still call me agent fitz" your father smiled his typical smile that he would use on people he didn't like. he had just decided that he loathed the boy and definetly the way he was looking at his daughter

"fitz!" jemma scolded, but fitz just shrugged his shoulders

"i'm actually a big fan" peter said, making all heads turn to him "your work on agent coulsons team was incredible!" he complimented

"thank you, peter" jemma smiled flattered

"and y/n is so brilliant!" he went even further "she always helps me with my stuff and she invents incredible things!"

"she's amazing, we know that" fitz rolled his eyes. he was probably the proudest of you and knew how brilliant you were, he didn't need some boy to tell him

"be nice, bobo" deke smiled brightly at peter "peter, do you happen to have a girlfriend?"

fitz choked on his water, your eyes grew big, vision looked confused and peter laughed awkwardly

"n-no" he said "why do you ask?"

"whoa" fitz stood up from the table, dragging you out of your seat "look at the time! it's already so late. we have to get back to work, jemma" he pushed you towards your sister "would you get alya ready for her nap, y/n? and deke you'll help her, yeah?"

"i thought i wasn't allowed to take care of mum" deke said confused "paradoxon and all"

"just do it" fitz said aggressively

"see you, y/n!" peter could only say right before fitz pushed you and deke down the hallway, alya in your arms.

"what do you think about peter?" deke stood next to you, while you were busy putting alya into her romper

"i love petey!" alya giggled

"you don't" you shook your head at her "you don't even know him. what about him, deke?"

"he's cute, isn't he?"

"something you want to tell me?" you asked your nephew (yeah, definetly weird) while you put alya down in her crib and left the room, deke close behind you

"of course not for me. for you, nini" ever since you had found out about your relation he had called you that. just like he called you parents nana and bobo

"for me?" you wondered "you know that i don't even like him?"

"your eyes tell another story! you're always looking at him"

"because he can do everything i want to do!" you argued "i wish i could go outside and safe the world, but i'm always stuck in that stupid lab"

"you love science!" deke laughed, like he couldn't believe what you were saying "you're incredible at it!"

"i wish i wasn't" you sat down on the couch "maybe i could actually do something then" your eyes fell on the clock "i have to go back to the lab and finish some stats for uncle tony. don't play with your mother!" you quickly left the apartment, before deke could get another word in

"y/n, you're beautiful and funny" you looked around confused, before you noticed the sound coming out of your very own lab

"peter?" you asked when you opened the door and saw him standing in the middle of the room

"y/n!" peter exclaimed surprised "what are you doing here?"

"i work.. here?" you stepped into the room and closed the door behind you "another problem with the web-shooters?" you asked, grabbing your coat from it's hanger

"no, i actually came here to talk to you"

you raised your eyebrows

peter took a shaky breath "y/n" he said "you're beautiful and funny and incredibly brilliant"

you crossed your arms, confused in which direction this was going

"and i wanted to know if you'd go on a date with me?"

"a date?" you repeated, peter nodded "why?"

"w-why?" peter seemed like he did not think you would ask such a question

"you're a superhero" you reminded "why would you want to go out with me? you do know that i don't have any superpowers, right?"

peter almost had to laugh. you didn't seem like you were offended or sad that you wouldn't fit in the same social circle, but more like you couldn't crompehend why he would ask you out. just coming from a logical perspective

"i know" peter smiled "you're so much more than that! you're incredible at what you do, i wish i was that smart"

"but you are" you said, still confused "and you have super strength which is another pro"

"y/n" peter breathed "i don't think you understand what i'm trying to say"

"are you making fun of me?" you wondered "make me even more jealous?"

"jealous?" peter laughed "jealous of what? that i can maybe name the first ten numbers of pi?"

"that's not a lot" you mumbled

"i know!" peter laughed "that's what i'm saying! you're so much better at literally everything, why would you be jealous?"

"you're a hero"

"and you aren't?" peter's eyes grew soft as he noticed that you really didn't think of yourself as a hero, quite contrary to what he thought of you "how am i supposed to be a hero without my web-shooters or my suit? if you hadn't improved the shooters, i would've died last year. you don't seem to realize that your inventions save lives. not only my life, but those of the avengers, of thousands of people"

"thank you, peter" you smiled "but i don't do the actual saving"

"that's why we're a team, no one could do any saving without each other"

"i never thought about it like this" you said honestly. it was a bit like a weight had just been lifted off your shoulder. you never thought that anyone aprreciated or even noticed the work that you did in your lab. but peter had. just like you had always noticed everything about him. but only now did you realize that the feeling you had harboured wasn't envy, but love. you had loved him from the first moment on and you had loved him for what he was.

"i could never do what you do" you said "and that's okay"

"yeah" peter nodded "and you love what you do, don't you?" he stepped closer to you and you looked up at him. "did i ever tell you that you were beautiful?" he asked

"yeah" you breathed "like five minutes ago"

"no harm in saying it again" peter stepped even closer "can i kiss you?"

you nodded quickly. peter came even closer and planted a featherlight kiss onto your mouth

"i think i like you more than anyone i ever knew" you whispered "so much even i thought i should hate you"

peter paused, confused before he nodded "i'll take that. me too"

and with that he kissed you again. you deepened the kiss, your hands going into his hair, until you heard a beeping noise.

"what was that?" peter wondered

you looked behind him to confirm your suspicion "deke listened in through the baby monitor" you would keep it with you, because your lab was closest to the apartment and because your parents often couldn't check on alya when they were in the middle of an experiment. you didn't mind though, she almost never cried.

peter turned around to look at the monitor. deke was closer to the camera than you had wanted him to be, his face plastered over the entire display. "i'm so happy for you, nini!" he smiled brightly

"can he see us?" peter whispered

you shook your head "just ignore him"

peter laughed and kissed you again, while deke quickly pulled the plug of the monitor the moment he heard your lab coat hit the floor.

DAY 8: UNDERNEATH THE TREE

pairing: tasm!peter parker x gn!reader

summary: you and peter both struggle to find the perfect gift and end up proving why you belong together

warnings: reader is risking her health and safety

notes: this is a bit ridiculous, but it's christmas time, so whatever huh?

"what about a cd?" gwen pointed at the stand to your right. the shop was filled with multiple things you could gift someone, just not peter. you wanted your gift to be meaningful and you just couldn't get it right.

"no" you shook your head "he probably owns every cd in the world already"

"what about a sweater?" gwen asked. you knew she wouldn't just give up like that. she had made it her mission to get the perfect gift for you. she thought if she would just name various things she knew peter liked, it would make eventually click.

you shook your head once again and gwen sighed. "you know he isn't the president, right?" she raised her brows at you "he will certainly like anything you get for him"

"i know" you said "but i don't just want him to like it, i want to make him speechless at how perfect it is"

"i don't think such a gift exists" gwen noted "why don't you just draw something or make your own mixtape?" she suggested

"peter is far better at drawing than i am" you shrugged "and i cannot deal with computers, you know that"

"okay" gwen nodded "then think about something that connects the both of you. perhaps something only you guys even know about?"

"ugh" you threw your head back, trying to think of anything "there is nothing, my mind is literally just blank"

"okay" gwen took you by your arm and walked you out of the shop "we're not getting anywhere with this"

"where are we going?"

"central park" she answered simply "where you guys met, maybe that'll help you"

"sure" you shrugged your shoulder "might be worth a try"

the way was shorter than you had anticipated and a few minutes later you were standing at the exact spot you and peter had run into each other.

"and..?" gwen wondered

"give me a minute" you turned around yourself, looking at everything like you had done that day.

there were memories quickly flashing through your mind, a boy with a skateboard, a book flying in the air, a wheel falling off a board.

"the wheels" you exclaimed suddenly

"huh" gwen looked up from her fingernails with raised brows "the what?"

"the wheels" you repeated even more excited "when peter and i ran into each other, meaning literally ran into each other, one of the wheels of his skateboard losened and fell off. we didn't find it, so i bought him a new one"

"so what's the plan?" gwen asked crossing her arms, looking at you suspiciously after she saw your face light up. "no" she shook her head

"come on!" you pleaded "that would be the most romantic gift ever!"

"you really think that wheel would still be here a year later?"

"maybe" you shrugged in a sing song. "where's the romantic in you, gwen?"

"i am romantic" gwen exclaimed offended "just not hopeless, like you are"

"you go look there, i'll search here" you directed and gwen gave in with an eye roll.

it took you about three hours to give up. there wasn't anything close to a wheel laying around in that park.

"what did i tell you?" gwen asked when you guys had sat down on a bench "it's gone"

"well" you pushed your hair out of your face "there is still one place we haven't checked" your eyes darted to the little pond next to you

"no, y/n" gwen said "it's december!"

you took off your scarf and mittens, putting them down on the bench "it's romance!" you argued.

gwen watched in horror as you got out of your jacket. "no, this is madness! you're going to freeze to death"

"i don't care" you got rid of your sweater too. the last piece of clothing you were willing to remove in public. "your apartment isn't too far from here, i'll be fine"

"y/n" gwen shook her head once again "please don't make me tell peter that you died"

"i won't" you assured, before you slowly walked into the water. "ooh!" you bellowed "yeah, this is cold"

"i told you!"

"too late now, anyway" you muttered and with one last look in gwen's direction, you quickly immersed into the water, diving through it and searching for a hint of the lost wheel. you had almost shrieked from happiness, when you really did make it out, right beneath you.

you jumped up from the surface, the treasure right in your hand "i got it!" you called and gwen looked up in surprise as you climbed out of the water.

the adrenaline rush was gone as quickly as it had come and you were shivering. "it's so cold" you stuttered.

gwen quickly pulled the jacket over your shaking form, while she was holding her phone to her ear. "she is shaking, so much. i don't know what to do" she spoked into it.

"who are you talking to?" you asked, while you felt like icicles were growing on your whole body

gwen didn't answer you. she just watched you worriedly, while she gently made you sit on the bench. then she took off her jacket and put it over yours.

"what are you doing?" you once again went unanswered.

"when are you going to be here?" gwen asked into the phone.

"now" a voice behind you said, which prompted both you and gwen to turn around.

"peter" you exclaimed in surprise.

"y/n" peter was by your side in a second "what were you thinking?" he seemed to be more asumed than angry, which was a relief to you.

"i wanted to surprise you"

"well, you did just that" he pointed to his backpack "i brought fresh clothes and the suit, come on" he took your hand. "are you getting home?" he asked gwen, who nodded and waved you both goodbye.

peter walked you to a toilet nearby so you could change, when you came out, spiderman was already waiting for you. he swung you both through new york, until you arrived at his place.

after you had showered and changed into your pyjamas, peter was ready for you to explain what had been going on earlier.

"i'm sorry you had to come and get me" you apologized "i was stupid"

"it's no problem" peter assured "by why the hell did you decide to go swimming at the end of december?"

"because of you" you smiled. you could almost see the question marks popping up beside peter's head, so you opened your bag, taking out the wheel and holding it in his direction.

"a skateboard wheel?"

"the skateboard wheel you lost when we ran into each other"

"it was still there?"

"yup" you smiled "just at the bottom of the pond"

"you're an idiot" peter shook his head "you risked your own health to get me this?"

"of course" you shrugged "you would've done the same for me"

peter smiled and got up from the bed. the next second he was holding a book in your direction.

"the book-"

"- i ruined when we met, yeah" peter nodded "it's even signed, i got it off ebay"

you laughed "this is so much better than my stupid idea"

"well" peter said shrugging "i might not have nearly died while getting this, but i'd say your gift is pretty amazing too. thank you, even if you are an idiot"

you laughed "luckily you came and saved me"

"i'd always save you"

taglist: @twistedhistory @bakingintheshire @mqstermindswift @taygrls @athenalikethegoddess

—tolerate it

pairing: tasm!peter parker x reader

summary: maybe you and peter had done a good job at ignoring your problems, or maybe there was nothing worth saving anymore

warnings: toxic!peter, basically a very toxic relationship, underage drinking, a bit too much drinking.. let me know if i missed something

note: the ending is a bit in the air, you can make out of it what you want

"hey! how are you?" gwen hugged you smiling and sat down on the sofa beside you.

"i'm good" you smiled "where's harry?" you asked, finding it weird that he was nowhere in sight.

"oh he's off playing beer-pong with his friends" gwen explained "i saw you across the room and thought i'd join you" she paused, unsure if she should say what she was thinking, but eventually did "you looked lonely"

you nodded your head and gwen swore she saw you blink away a tear. "thanks for sitting by me" you smiled and then looked around the room quickly "i don't know where he is, he told me to wait here. it's been an hour since i've last seen him"

"oh sweetheart" you had almost bursted into tears at her caring tone "he just left you here?"

you shrugged, it's not like that was something new to you. peter would often bring you with him to these frat parties, just to disappear into thin air the moment you entered a place.

"i don't mind" you lied and gwen looked at you unbelievingly. "it's great that you are here, finally someone i know" you meant to change the topic, but gwen furrowed her brows at that.

"he left you alone and you don't even know anyone?" she asked unbelievingly "does he know how dangerous these parties can get?"

the question was rhetoric. of course peter knew that.

"i don't drink" you said, as if that would make it any better.

"doesn't matter" gwen shook her head "everyone else does" she took a calming breath "why would you even be here when you just sit on your own?"

"because peter likes to take me with him"

"and he isn't anywhere to be found" gwen looked around the room "typical"

"he doesn't always do that"

"he did it back in highschool too" gwen reminded you "i thought he had stopped with that, i thought he had changed, was the only explanation for me how you guys were still together"

"i really don't mind"

"well you should" she looked at you worriedly "why don't you just break up with that dick, y/n?"

"i love him" you said as if that would excuse everything. "i have loved him for the past five years"

"and he treats you like that?"

you shrugged. "i can't help it" you almost said bitterly "sometimes i hate him, especially when he does things like that, but i still love him"

"do you think that is healthy?" gwen asked genuinely.

you shook your head and tears brimmed at your eyes. "no" you looked into her eyes and she could've almost started crying too. "love shouldn't be like this, right? loving someone should be easy" you turned your head to look at harry and gwen followed the direction your eyes where going "it looks easy for you two"

gwen had to be honest "it's not always easy" she admitted.

"i know" you said "but i don't think it should make me feel how i feel"

"how do you feel?"

"hurt" you simply said "i feel hurt any time i look at him"

gwen was ready to repeat her earlier advice, simply convincing you to finally break up with peter parker, but to her surprise you weren't finished.

you breathed a shaky breath. "and i feel guilty" you almost whispered "there was a time where it was easy to love him, as easy as breathing and doing it made me happy. it felt like back then we were loving each other the right way and now-" you paused and sighed "i don't think we have been loving each other the right way for a long time. but somehow we still belong together, even if that doesn't make sense in the slightest"

"i don't know if it does" gwen said honestly "but that doesn't make it wrong" she thought about what to tell you, and her mind slipped by the question if a frat party was the right place for a conversation like that, but she continued to speak anyway. "did you ever tell peter that?"

"what?" you looked up to her in surprise.

"maybe it would help both of you to talk about it" gwen suggested "he might be feeling the same way" she shrugged. "but just so you know, his behaviour is still absolutely unacceptable and if he doesn't change it up i'll have harry take care of him"

"thank you" you smiled, hugging her.

when you sat back down, there was a loud voice calling your name and soon enough peter entered your field of vision. he was being held up by harry.

"he's wasted" harry explained, which wouldn't have been necessary. you had known it immediately when you had first heard him call for you.

"y/n" peter slurred, trying to free himself out of harry's hold "let's make out"

you sighed and ignored him, instead turning your head at harry and gwen. "could you maybe help me to get him home?" you asked "i would do it alone, but it's late and i don't—“

"of course" gwen interrupted your rambling. harry nodded as well.

"thank you" you said, relieved.

gwen and harry helped you navigate through the crowded party, guiding peter, who was clearly in no state to walk on his own. as you exited the chaos of the frat house, the cool night air hit you, and you couldn't help but feel a mix of frustration and exhaustion.

"he's really out of it," harry remarked, glancing at peter struggling to keep his balance.

"yeah" you nodded, a tinge of embarrassment in your voice. "i appreciate your help. i didn't want to deal with this alone."

gwen gave you a sympathetic look "you shouldn't have to deal with this at all," she said, genuine concern etched on her face.

as you reached peter’s place, you collectively managed to get him inside and settled on the couch. harry, ever the protective friend, shot peter a disapproving look.

"i’ll take care of him," you assured them, grateful for their assistance.

harry hesitated, "are you sure you're okay?"

you nodded, "yeah, i’ll manage. thanks again for helping."

after gwen and harry left, you found yourself alone with peter, who was now slumped on the couch, still lost in the haze of alcohol. you sighed, both annoyed and exhausted by the evening's events.

you unfolded one of the blankets, burying peter under it. then you made sure he was laying on the side and set a few alarms to check on him throughout the night. you left the room, slipping into the bed in the other room.

the night was not as busy as you had predicted it to be. peter did not wake up and was fine and breathing as normal any time you checked on him, probably thanks to his faster metabolism, getting rid of the alcohol as fast as it had registered in his body.

it was only nine a.m. when you silently walked out of the bedroom on your way to the toilet. peter was still asleep, peacefully laying on the couch. your eyes softened when they fell on him. he looked so tired, but still much more like him than yesterday.

he was just sitting up when you came back from the bathroom. "hey" he muttered, his voice hoarse.

"hi"

you contemplated gwen's words from yesterday, the sincerity in her eyes when she spoke about love not always being easy. the heaviness in your chest returned as you looked at peter, wondering if it was time to address the issues that had been piling up between you.

"peter," you said, your voice firm but weary. "i think we need to talk."

he blinked at you, not quite awake yet. "talk? right now?"

"yes, peter, right now" you took a deep breath. "I can't keep feeling like this. like i'm alone in our relationship like i'm waiting for you all the time."

his brow furrowed in confusion, but you pressed on, "i love you, but things can't continue like this. we need to figure out if we're still right for each other."

peter's eyes widened. "what are you saying?"

"i'm saying we need to either fix this or admit that maybe it's time to move on," you replied, your voice steady despite the emotions bubbling beneath the surface.

the room fell silent as peter processed your words. eventually, he let out a heavy sigh, "i didn't realize it was this bad."

tears welled up in your eyes, "it's been bad for a while now, peter. we can't keep pretending like everything is fine."

he nodded slowly, a mixture of regret and realization crossing his features. "i want to make us work, but i don't want you to feel like that" he paused, just for a second, a few tears slipping over his cheeks "i didn't know.."

"i should've told you"

"i should've noticed" he looked up at you, regret evident on his features.

"yeah" you admitted "maybe you should've" you softly put a hand on his shoulder, he grabbed it, comfortingly squeezing it.

"i've been acting like a dick, maybe because i knew deep down that something was wrong. i thought shutting you out would shut the problem out too" he admitted and you nodded, somewhat understanding what he was talking about.

"i've been holding on to something too" you said softly "but ignorance won't help us anymore"

"i'm sorry" he said, adverting his eyes.

"i know, peter" you nodded "me too"