Things Will Be Okay - Tumblr Posts

For the new year❤

this is based off a post by @absentlyabbie​  It got me through last years holidays, and i hope it helps you too.

Hold on.

this is based off a post by @absentlyabbie​  It got me through last years holidays, and i hope it helps you too.

Hold on.

death stranding update that no one asked for:

soooo today, i impulsively bought it instead of waiting for my bro to get it for me cause it was only $19 !!! i am supppperrrr happy n i can’t wait to play it with my big bro!

also the guy serving me & his friend/co-worker were really funny n made me laugh a lot, they even made me a deal that if the disc gets scratched i can bring it in n get it replaced for free!!!!~

so yeahhhh,

my afternoon was going so well but then all hell broke loose n my mum made me feel like a terrible person & i really wanted to video chat with my friend but i just feel like i would be a waste of time to talk to currently

:~> but things will be okay eventually! n i know my mum didn’t mean to put all of her anger on me n i’d prefer her to let it out instead of bottling it up anyway

oK that got heavy real quick whoops,, here’s norman reedus & mads being cute with kojima♡

eating toast with too much vegemite and drinking chai, everything is going to be okay.

38 -

The urge to drink or use is so strong. I can feel my resolve weakening. I’m feeling really out of balance right now (moved halfway across the country, my dog isn’t adjusting well, not sleeping or eating well, it’s cold, just to name a few reasons) and what I would give for a glass of wine, at the very least.

That’s the thing though, it’s never just one glass. Not for me anyway. *what I would give for a bottle or 3.

What’s beautiful about sobriety is that I can recognize this out of balance feeling. I can check myself. I can feel that I want to escape my body, my life - anything to get away from the thrumming anxiety in my chest. The swirling thoughts in my brain. The fatigue, the zoning out, the apathy. I can recognize it and I can talk about it. So I did.

I know that drinking and using won’t solve my problems. I know that they will actually make everything worse, especially the anxiety. I know that this feeling - this too shall pass. I know that feelings, especially the deep scary ones, they don’t just “go away”. You can’t run from them. They’re like your shadow, always creeping behind your back unless you step completely into the light.

So yeah, I’m just kind of stuck here. Holding on by a thread. Sitting with it.

Our movers haven’t brought our stuff yet (going on 10+ days) so that’s really frustrating because I feel like I can’t get fully settled in. Feeling so much guilt that my dog isn’t adjusting well - she’s been barking her head off at every little noise and she scared the maintenance men. I know everyone says this, but she IS really sweet. Like annoyingly sweet. She loooves people and thinks she’s a 65lb lapdog. She’s just a little high strung at first. So I feel like I could have, should have done more for her as I raised her. Regret maybe. Our stuff isn’t here, so we’re living off of frozen meals and it’s throwing me off, especially because I’m picky.

Also it’s very cold. I didn’t think it would be as cold as it is, but I think it’s the extra moisture in the air - the kind of cold that seeps into your bones. Regardless, it’s breathtaking here. My skin is drinking it alllll up.

I don’t really know when drinking and using stopped being about the thrill of taking my mind elsewhere, the novelty of doing something new - something bad. Having a secret. At some point, it became what I needed. I couldn’t handle a single fucking feeling on my own. Happiness or sadness, it was all too much. When did I stop being able to handle anything sober? When did I stop recognizing myself?

There’s this moody, speakeasy type bar down the street and I keep thinking how easy it would be to slip away and get my fix, no one has to know.

But then I’d be lying to everyone. More importantly, I’d be lying to myself.

So, I’m trying to hang in there even though it’s so damn hard. I think I’ll go to a meeting. I think I’ll meditate on my greater She - surrender again to Her plan. Remember I am not in control, relieve myself of the burden.

Faith is funny. It’s not like one day you just wake up and *poof* have it - as I’m learning. It’s a conscious choice every day, to surrender. How easy it is to forget that…

I’m hitting 90 days on Monday & I won’t throw it all away just because of stress. I’m the woman in the arena, always. I can do hard things.

Each day a little better and brighter.