I Can Do Hard Things - Tumblr Posts

38 -

The urge to drink or use is so strong. I can feel my resolve weakening. I’m feeling really out of balance right now (moved halfway across the country, my dog isn’t adjusting well, not sleeping or eating well, it’s cold, just to name a few reasons) and what I would give for a glass of wine, at the very least.

That’s the thing though, it’s never just one glass. Not for me anyway. *what I would give for a bottle or 3.

What’s beautiful about sobriety is that I can recognize this out of balance feeling. I can check myself. I can feel that I want to escape my body, my life - anything to get away from the thrumming anxiety in my chest. The swirling thoughts in my brain. The fatigue, the zoning out, the apathy. I can recognize it and I can talk about it. So I did.

I know that drinking and using won’t solve my problems. I know that they will actually make everything worse, especially the anxiety. I know that this feeling - this too shall pass. I know that feelings, especially the deep scary ones, they don’t just “go away”. You can’t run from them. They’re like your shadow, always creeping behind your back unless you step completely into the light.

So yeah, I’m just kind of stuck here. Holding on by a thread. Sitting with it.

Our movers haven’t brought our stuff yet (going on 10+ days) so that’s really frustrating because I feel like I can’t get fully settled in. Feeling so much guilt that my dog isn’t adjusting well - she’s been barking her head off at every little noise and she scared the maintenance men. I know everyone says this, but she IS really sweet. Like annoyingly sweet. She loooves people and thinks she’s a 65lb lapdog. She’s just a little high strung at first. So I feel like I could have, should have done more for her as I raised her. Regret maybe. Our stuff isn’t here, so we’re living off of frozen meals and it’s throwing me off, especially because I’m picky.

Also it’s very cold. I didn’t think it would be as cold as it is, but I think it’s the extra moisture in the air - the kind of cold that seeps into your bones. Regardless, it’s breathtaking here. My skin is drinking it alllll up.

I don’t really know when drinking and using stopped being about the thrill of taking my mind elsewhere, the novelty of doing something new - something bad. Having a secret. At some point, it became what I needed. I couldn’t handle a single fucking feeling on my own. Happiness or sadness, it was all too much. When did I stop being able to handle anything sober? When did I stop recognizing myself?

There’s this moody, speakeasy type bar down the street and I keep thinking how easy it would be to slip away and get my fix, no one has to know.

But then I’d be lying to everyone. More importantly, I’d be lying to myself.

So, I’m trying to hang in there even though it’s so damn hard. I think I’ll go to a meeting. I think I’ll meditate on my greater She - surrender again to Her plan. Remember I am not in control, relieve myself of the burden.

Faith is funny. It’s not like one day you just wake up and *poof* have it - as I’m learning. It’s a conscious choice every day, to surrender. How easy it is to forget that…

I’m hitting 90 days on Monday & I won’t throw it all away just because of stress. I’m the woman in the arena, always. I can do hard things.

Each day a little better and brighter.

54 -

In a weird place lately, but a good one. It just feels uncomfortable - kind of like getting a new pair of shoes and waiting for them to fully break in. Or wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t quite fit.

I’m doing really well lately. Ok, honestly I feel like “doing well” has a lot of room for interpretation. But as far as my mind and heart go - I’m doing just fine.

Because I don’t hate myself anymore. And this is everything.

So I’m not exactly where I want to be yet. So what? I am enjoying where I am at.

So people (in my life or not even in my life) don’t exactly approve or understand my life choices. All good - it’s my life, not theirs

I took 5+ grams of shrooms and found myself. Okay that sounds absolutely bonkers when I re-read that but it’s true.

I’ve had some alcohol since that time and I feel completely different drinking. Like I didn’t want to create chaos or hurt the people I love - HELLO WIN! Also, I don’t actually like the way alcohol makes me feel anymore but I acknowledge and recognize when I drink, I am indulging the old me.

Beyond that, I’ve just felt so settled. Whatever happens, I trust in my ability to find a way through. I am the woman in the arena, I am a survivor and I am resilient.

Some of the thought patterns that used to plague me, don’t as much anymore. It’s strange.

I turned 30 and decided now or never.

I think it also goes without saying - but living a life that you enjoy, that brings you peace and security…..wow it changes the game. I try so hard to have sympathy/empathy for those who feel stuck or unhappy.

But if you’re not going to do anything about it, I can’t fucking help you. Because even when shit has been as bad as it has, maybe I wallow sure - BUT I FIND A WAY THROUGH.

What’s crazy to me is this overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I feel present in my body.

Okay so still struggling with weed (because like who isn’t, when alcohol is so 1990) but lately I’ll put the damn bong down and eat a meal or take a nap/rest.

A year ago…..I would have died with the bong in my hand.

I haven’t felt as called to write. My thoughts have felt really jumbled and I’ve been really content to just “be” without needing to overanalyze it all.

Ok I always say that I need to get over this concept of “one day everything is going to magically be better”.

But………….everything has become magically better.

I scrolled back to my original posts first out of the hospital and I don’t recognize that woman. I want to hug her and tell her I’m proud of her. That so many people don’t have the courage to look their truth in the face and accept it, but she did. And she continues to.

I want her to know that I believe in her with all my heart. She can do this. She will do this. She will break the cycle and she will achieve the recurring dream of sitting on her deck in the backyard she owns, recounting how she made it through.

She will. And I will. I am!

55 -

Life trucks on.

I really struggled in June. Fell into a depressive episode that lasted almost the whole month. I missed half the days of school and I smoked weed to deal with how miserable I felt.

Normally I’d beat myself up about this. Another fucking setback.

Instead I’m choosing to remember that change does not happen overnight. It’s the little steps, sometimes tiny ones even, that add up over time.

I got on new meds for ADHD and depression and they seem to be helping significantly. I quit weed and now we are a sober potato all day long. I’m still in the early stages so I’m definitely feeling out of it, distracted, irritable, antsy, BORED!

But I keep reminding myself of the bigger picture.

It’s so god damn hard.

A cornerstone of my depression is lack of interest, in anything. I don’t know where it went but it’s been gone for some time. I want it back.

I want to wake up feeling optimistic, energized and ready to take on the world.

I’ve realized a lot of life is built on faith - in others, in myself, in good things coming. Faith is hard to develop when you’ve spent your whole life thinking the opposite. But I’m working on it.

As usual, I am a beautiful work in progress. Each day, a little better & brighter. And I have come so far already :)

75 -

Day 1 again. Hi Day 1. We’ve become very good friends lately

I will not drink today. But I will take a shower and go on a walk and meet with my therapist.

I feel so all over the place.