This Is Too Funny - Tumblr Posts
manager: sitting drinking with tae, work absolutely SUCKS
asoiaf characters who could hack it as a starbucks barista:
— jon. runs that shit like the navy. schedules five minute scream-cry sessions for himself in the supply closet but everyone pretends not to notice bc it kinda seems like its working for him. keeps accidentally charming the regulars
— arya. only ever works closing shift bc if you put her on morning/lunch rush she yells at customers. cleans like a crazy person and leaves the place spotless. WILL put a nick in your car’s tire valve with a box opener if you make her count the till
— loras. makes GREAT coffee and can smooth things over with irate middle aged women very easily. however if ur gay avoid his location bc he cannot stop himself from being catty its in his BLOOD. also:
— dany. hits her (painstakingly decorated) dab pen in her car before work so she’s very zen. however she Is the coworker you sic on asshole customers bc she’s very good at making them feel stupid and also never caves and gives out free drinks
asoiaf characters who could NOT hack it as a starbucks barista:
— sansa. is the aforementioned caver. always turning up the heat because she’s cold even though literally everyone else is sweating like pigs. stayed on a couple months because it turns out mean customers calm down when she starts to cry #prettygirlhack but eventually quits because she hates cleaning the bathroom
— theon. uniquely bad at his job. writes his number on every other cup he hands out even to people wearing wedding bands or ACTIVELY WITH THEIR PARTNER IN THE STORE (has been beaten up like four times doing this). never ties off the garbage correctly. uses too much water when he mops and has slipped in it and twisted his ankle multiple times. is a soundcloud rapper and is always trying to get the manager to play his music in the store
— robb. nobody wants to fire him because hes genuinely a great guy but he takes eighty million years to make one drink and he’s always comping shit for his girlfriend who comes in all the time
— jojen reed. okay at the job but is always saying ominous shit to customers and is passive aggressive to whoever closed the previous night no matter how good of a job they did. quit because someone else got fired for showing up to work high and he didnt want to be next
Hannibal (2013-2015)
1x04 - “Œuf”
shoutout to when I made the resume pete would’ve given to buddy
[FINISHED]
𐙚⋆.˚ jegulus socmed au where regulus tweets this, basically.
![[FINISHED]](https://64.media.tumblr.com/cf82faec120408243d151d8e2e835c2a/6dc0800db2a64612-40/s500x750/7c16898d1700a59ab608b7d260bc785476d090c0.jpg)
this is like the shortest au ever
[ part 01 ; part 02 & part 03 ]
Hehe might aswell post my old art in here
So, I just wrote the beginning down to my first Chenford rookie fanfiction I have planned in a tiny notebook at 4 am. I wasn’t sure how to start it and then something came to me. Then I tried using google translate because I was curious if it would pick up my handwriting.
I think it did great. Almost word for word.
On a serious note though, can’t wait to get rid of this one-shot that’s been bugging me so I can get to my other stories. It’s totally not going to be Tim confessing his real feelings to Lucy in the middle of a life or death situation with no backup and no way to call for help…😈
Um…yeah hi…where can I get a Barry so that I may also scare the living day lights out of my family because your brother knows what’s up. 🦌🎄
My autistic brother created a new family Christmas tradition
Okay, so last year, my mom bought this Christmas moose that she lovingly named Barry
This is him
Cute, right?
Well, for whatever reason only known to my brother, he decided that he wanted to put Barry in different rooms of our house and it usually scares the shit out of whomever happens upon Barry; usually the person who finds him is the person that my brother wanted to scare.
So far, Barry has been found
On our dining room table
On my dad's side of my parents' bed
In my parents' closet
Outside their bedroom door (at 5 in the morning and scared my mother shitless)
Near the kitchen door
Near my fucking bed
At the bottom of my sister's stairwell
In our bathroom
And down the hallway
This has gone on for 9 days and it doesn't seem to show signs of stopping. Most of the time we know who gets Barry because it's always followed with a very loud "FUCKING BARRY!!!!!"
My brother is the funniest fucking person I know.
So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.
Stay with me.
We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.
I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.
It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.
(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)
Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.
My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.
When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.
We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.
Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.
The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.
I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.
Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”
Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.
But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.
October Daye + text posts
All the fanart here is by @yinza
Bonus one that’s a spoiler for Be The Serpent but might just be my favorite:
Keep reading
how many licenses do you think aziraphale has? hes got one for possession of a firearm, and made them give him a test so he could get one to drive a car. what else has he done in order get a silly little slip of paper that says he can do something cool with a Human Invention? like i know hes a literal angel of heaven but do you think hes ordained
Me, on the welcome desk in the library: Good morning, how are you today?
Customer: I have welcomed Jesus into my heart and so I am well today and every day.
Me, a little unnerved: Okay then! Is there something I can help you with?
Customer, digging around in his bag and pulling out an iPhone in a box: Unfortunately, Jesus can't help me with this fucking phone, so I came to the library.
@mha-quotes-and-such
ah yes like mother like son