This Is What Recovery Looks Like - Tumblr Posts
I was offered a contract. Apparently I can pull my shit together pretty convincingly.
Funny Survivor Stuff
I have an interview in an hour.
You may or may not know that i hate my job and have been desperate to get out for some time.
Plus he knows where I work and if I change employers that will be one less place he can find me.
So this should be a good thing right?
I’m so filled with dread and anxiety i have been standing naked, dripping wet in the bathroom after my shower willing myself to get ready for the last 30 mins.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I did not update. I contacted her, and she graciously welcomed me back as though nothing had happened.
Today is her birthday and I am so SO excited that i get to post about her on my social media. I've missed her so much.
An Ode to Truth - the missing piece of my heart.
One of the most horrible things he ever made me do was excommunicate one of my nearest and dearest friends. I love her, and considered her one of my soul sisters. I feel ashamed of a great many things; this may be the top as I have not yet been able to even discuss it with my other friends.
The story that I have available to me is this:
In June of 2016, she asked me point blank if he’d ever hit me. In a moment of clarity, mania, whatever you want to call it, I was honest. After all, he kept telling me over and over I should always be honest.
In a moment of stupidity, I told him that I had told her. I don’t completely remember what he said to me at this time as my brain fogged it up and I no longer have that phone to review the texts.
The gist was that I was a stupid cunt who was trying to shift the blame for my actions to him and that I had just sealed my coffin shut. He told me that he called her ( and I have no confirmation that this is true) during which time he says she was rude to him (something along the lines of “Don’t call me! Don’t ever fucking call me!”) and that this was my problem to fix.
Why was I continuing to smear his reputation and make him look like the bad guy? What was so wrong with my brain that I could not take responsibility for my actions? The usual chorus of I’m useless, slutty, stupid, etc ensued… You get the picture.
He insisted that I recant. I asked him how this fit into being honest all the time. Exasperated he told me there are certain things you just don’t say; that this would be something we could fix after I had made myself into a “normal” human being.
I tried to recant. She, being a reasonable human being, would not accept the alternative version of events I presented. Nor the excuses I provided for him. Nor my demand that she support me in my decision to be with him. She is a bold, brave, headstrong and fierce woman - I have always admired these qualities in her.
Knowing this, he said I had only 1 option: He called her a bitch. He told me her boyfriend would eventually leave her and cheat on her because she is unreasonable. She was going to kill everything around her with her toxicity.
What he meant was that she was dangerous to his position as my lord and master because he could not bend her to his will.
So. Months later, MONTHS later (November, as a matter of record) after he’d harassed me about it incessantly and told me the my dallying was evidence that I didn’t love him, I sent her a horrible email.
In it, I accuse her of not being supportive or having my interests at heart. I tell her that anyone who does not accept him, doesn’t accept me, and that I could not call her my friend anymore. I am accusing and defensive and abusive. I’m fucking awful.
I wanted to die when I sent that email. Yet I sent it anyways. She never responded. Who could blame her.
I miss her. And while I think there are a number of relationships that can be repaired, I don’t think I could ever really make this one right again.
It's difficult for me to discern if this anxiety and social panic was a part of me prior to and exacerbated by him, or if this is purely a symptom of him.
Having met him as a teenager I really can't tell what problems were mine to begin with and what he caused.
He has been too much a part of the creation of me.
Tossed out a group invite, included the woman I’m into right now. It’s been 6 minutes and no one’s responded ( or read the message).
My brain is telling me it’s because they hate me and are rolling their eyes at the message preview.