It's Difficult For Me To Discern If This Anxiety And Social Panic Was A Part Of Me Prior To And Exacerbated

It's difficult for me to discern if this anxiety and social panic was a part of me prior to and exacerbated by him, or if this is purely a symptom of him.

Having met him as a teenager I really can't tell what problems were mine to begin with and what he caused.

He has been too much a part of the creation of me.

Tossed out a group invite, included the woman I’m into right now. It’s been 6 minutes and no one’s responded ( or read the message).

My brain is telling me it’s because they hate me and are rolling their eyes at the message preview.

This is a boring post. You've been warned.

I think I've decided not to pursue a romantic relationship with the girl I was considering recently.

I like her as a person and i would (genuinely) like to be her friend. I am having dinner with her and two mutual friends this week, and I'm looking forward to it .

I just.... Really need a more confident partner. Someone more sure of themselves. Someone who can give me assurance and encouragement when I'm trying to be brave. I feel like between the two of us, I am the bolder one, and that does not give me confidence is a good 'us.'

Let's be honest, I can fake it pretty decent, and the genuine stuff does come sporadically, but I can't maintain confidence sufficiently for myself let alone for two of us.

We didn't even get far enough for us to have to have conversation about 'not pursuing'. We were leagues away from that. I don't know how that could possibly feel more awkward than if we were both more invested. But I'm feeling weird about it.

Anyways - being choosy about my other half and identifying ' must have' qualities is progress enough for tonight.

My therapist insists that throughout the dark months I must go outside for at leat 10 mins a day. On top of everything else wrong with my noggin, SAD is a pretty real thing for me.

I am on the verge of throwing a temper tantrum about it, but I'm going to do it.

When does the bubble baths and chocolate mousse portion of self care begin?

Tossed out a group invite, included the woman I'm into right now. It's been 6 minutes and no one's responded ( or read the message).

My brain is telling me it's because they hate me and are rolling their eyes at the message preview.

All I can think of when I’m trying to add the bio is:  Hi, I’m broken.  Don’t make sudden movements when we’re in close proximity. I may lose my shit if we have sex. I will probably cry hard for no apparent reason.  In public.  And there’s a 60% chance I’ll ghost you without warning.  Oh and I like hiking, reading and food n shit.

I’ve just impulsively installed Tinder. Someone talk me out of this.

Dirt.

There are still secrets of his I keep under lock and key.  Not abuse stuff.  Health things.  Quirk things.  Embarrassing things.  The type of stuff you only discover when you live with a person and you see them at their most vulnerable.

I’ll take these things to my grave because I respect that bond we had.  I am not sure he’s offering me the same courtesy.

Part of my healing has been coming to terms with that.