Trauma Survival - Tumblr Posts
do you ever think about how murderbot spend 35,000 hours (~4 years) just doing its job as usual, having no idea there were options other than that or mass murder, having no friends or community or anything at all? and then suddenly in the span of... what, weeks? months? less than a year for sure, less than 8,700 hours, to go from that to having homes (plural), to being beloved (ew), to trusting in and relying on others, to living and living in its own ways, forever and ever
and idk what I'm getting at here but I can just feel the parallel to leaving an abusive family and finding out that... well, fuck. people will see you hurting and just... help? even when it would be easier not to? even when it's inconvenient for them? and you won't owe them anything for it?
people will want things for you just because they're good for you? just because they want to see you happy? and it won't matter if it's helpful to them?
and, and this is the big one, they'll love you as you are? because their love isn't predicated on you being perfect, or never needing help, or being useful to them, or being who they want you to be? and they'll love you despite your screwups and hangups and and and I want to say "despite your boundaries" but I'm learning to acknowledge that there's no "despite" to it, the presence of boundaries doesn't affect the love, the love, the love
You asked for an angel, yet you created a demon
Your self sabotage and self neglect are one of the biggest signs you're in state of self hatred. You might think that you love yourself apparently. But when you don't do the things you're supposed to do for your betterment...rather...you keep subjecting yourself to stuff that's ruining your physical and mental health... you're basically pulling up the hate on your being. The shame, guilt and sense of inferiority that's hidden in you. Deep down you think you don't deserve good things so you keep plunging into the bare minimum and worse, the evil things. When you know you should sleep enough to heal but you keep staying up late at night dwelling on actions that aren't good for your body and soul. You know you should maintain a diet that can meet the needs of your body but you keep skipping meals or binge eating junk. You know you should limit your screen time, stop scrolling randomly on your apps but you keep wasting time to distract yourself from stuff that's bothering you. You avoid facing your thoughts with conviction and let them wreck havoc in your mind. You allow negative assumptions and patterns to repeat. You don't allow yourself to get up after a relapse thinking you deserve to suffer. You avoid healing. You take care of everything and everyone around you but keep putting your needs aside. You don't rush towards Allah as you should. You think you're far away from Him and not good enough to stand before Him.
You do all of it subconsciously yet in a state of complete persuasion.
~ mashriqiyyah