Living With Cptsd - Tumblr Posts

My thoughts exactly

sometimes i wonder what must it be like

to have a father you can talk to

without your breath getting stuck in your throat

or your heart pounding so hard like it'd burst

i wonder what it's like to have a father

you are not afraid of.

sometimes i wish i had a normal relationship

with the one man I'm supposed to trust in my life

instead, I'm afraid of him as am I

of any other man who comes my way

maybe this is what my life is going to be

always running away from every man I've known.

"My child is fine-"

Your child is so lonely and emotionally numb that they cope by living in a dream world to the point where they are terrified of living in reality itself

Popping in for a sec to vent because it's 6 am n I keep having flashbacks and thoughts.

LONG RANT/VENT AHEAD!!!!

My first relationship screwed me up more than I thought, id try to confide in him about my trauma n things but he down played mine and practically said his was worse...

So without fully realizing I constantly felt the need this urge to defend my cpstd with anyone even family.

I never feel validated for what I've been through and I have been through a lot...

From the age of 16-18 I'd let anyone take advantage of me, use me I did not care about myself I still don't really but it was worse back then..

The things I let myself go through the things I'd do to myself I regret it I'm ashamed of myself for it...

I was in such a dark place and no one cared no one.

I did not protect myself from anyone I'd let guys just do whatever they wanted to me...

Now realizing the gravity of what happened to me n what I did to myself I'm glad I'm somewhat out of being that person that I was..

But it still haunts me the memories haunt me the people around me disgust me because they just let it happen no one stopped to help me to give me support or love now I have to that to myself which is incredibly hard to do..

I constantly downplay my own emotions and stuff I can't trust anyone or let anyone completely in because of all this crap weighing in on me n I think people are full of shit when they say they care about me..

Because most of the time they are no one sticks around people talk to me for a while then drop me n don't talk to me anymore.

I honestly feel validated by it like yeah leave just get away from me already I don't need you I don't need anyone.

But I crave connection only to find it then destroy it eventually.

I can't keep up with talking to people texting is hard n draining so I can tend to be a dry texter or an awkward one honestly I don't know what kind of texter I am to people but eh...

This is a long babble so I'm going to just leave this now.

YOU ARE VALID YOUR TRAUMA IS VALID DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU IT ISNT TRAUMA IS TRAUMA!!!!!!!!!

goodnight or good morning to anyone who reads this I'm going to go to try to sleep now...

I'd make your life hell just like you did mine without any sliver of remorse

I never had any issues about knowing myself 'cause my whole family and every kind of environment crushed me by being myself, which means I was forced into knowing every inch of myself to recognize what exactly about me was seen as "wrong" by them

I didn't had a hand to feed me, in fact the hands who were supposed to do it actually were the ones that made me starve and made sure I didn't felt worth of any shit

I spent so much time forced to live in distrust of the people around me that nowadays I am almost incapable of believing in people. It also doesn't help that I seem to experience the same types of traumatic events

Honestly I can't see a future where I'm able to stand the fact I didn't got any help with any of my problems and still got blamed of being victimist while I saw people getting for free the same exact help I needed

You asked for an angel, yet you created a demon

Sometimes my trauma makes me feel like I’m just staring into a television playing static

Growing up undiagnosed autistic in an unsafe household was wild. 

It took me so long after escaping to be able to realize that I was autistic simply because I didn’t have any of the telltale symptoms due to my trauma. For example, a difficulty to read social cues is one of the biggest things that people see and say ‘autism.’ Growing up in a place where even a slight misstep on my part could lead to severe punishment based on how cranky my parent was, I learned real quick to read every single person in that room to keep myself safe. In addition, I was constantly masking my neurodivergence without even realizing it. What were simply autistic traits led to me being called a bad child and given consequences, so obviously I hid them in an act of self preservation. This certainly did not help in getting a diagnosis since I seemingly displayed so little symptoms as a child. 

This may seem like a really niche subject, but I’ve met a lot of other people who  had the same experience and it needs to be talked about more. Even after diagnosis my father was terrible and told me I made it all up, I have to be faking this, I never acted autistic as a kid. This is the sad reality for way too many people, and it needs way more attention than it gets.

My goal in every creative writing assessment is to make the markers sob and wish they never set the damn thing.

I think I've reached half of that goal.

Considering, my teacher mentioned in passing that he teared up reading it and that he wanted to make sure I had spoken to a professional about the subject of the poetry submitted.

I reminded him it was all imaginative (a lie), to which he pulled me aside to say that no one writes about those kinds of things with that amount of emotion without personal experience.

Love you all. This is a mental health appreciation post and I’m insane and I just can’t not love you each so much.

Healthcare professionals always say they want a detailed patient history, but when the patient gives them that history instead of another medical professional they’re like ‘hmm that’s suspicious’

Healthcare professionals always say they want a detailed patient history, but when the patient gives them that history instead of another medical professional they’re like ‘hmm that’s suspicious’

when the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of its future.