Whinging - Tumblr Posts

"I'm going to say, 'I love you,' because that's easier on me, and I have to say how I feel to you—and I know you know that—but I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think I love, not like that, so what I really mean is that, 'I'm fond of you; I cherish you; you're very special to me'. I want you to understand that I don't quite 'love' you, but I do, in some kind of way."

"I know."

"You're not bothered by that?"

"Why would I be?"

People are going to read that and then immediately ignore what that means, aren't they?

Me: *writes a very complicated non-traditional relationship between two characters that is very explicitly laid out is that way because one of the characters is anattractional and, while sex-/romance-neutral, is mainly looking for someone to co-parent with, but that same character is neurodivergent and follows their religion's rules on dating and marriage because they're clearly defined and makes it easy on them, and their queerplatonic partner isn't on their radar for marriage because he's not the same religion and interfaith marriages aren't allowed, but also explicitly stops looking for a husband because none of the men they talked to would allow them to continue the partnership they have and that's more important to them than any theoretical husband, and then they end up getting married because the partner converts and they have a, "Hey, wait a minute," moment, and they agree to have a "traditional" relationship from then on but with the explicit acknowledgement that they're still more (queer)platonic than anything*

Also me: People are going to read all that and still think they're in a typical sex-/romance-positive allo relationship, aren't they?

So I filtered for ageplay on Alphy's character tag just to see how many fics turned up, and the only fic that's there is the one I wrote.

OTL Pain.

Man I wish that the people at my work respected me enough to tell me when I’m messing up and how to do better rather than gossiping about my faults and mocking me where they thought I wouldn’t hear. It especially hurts that my mentor was one of them. To my face she says I’m doing a good job and that people love me but behind my back she says that it would have been better for me to stay home and agreed when my boss talked about me calling my daddy to get me out of scrapes (she was referring to the time I had to call my dad to get me early from work because my migraine got bad enough that I couldn’t continue to work through it, my boss was the one who said I should go home early and had asked me a little earlier if I needed to leave then or if I could stay until I had worked a half shift. I told her I would work the half shift but I wasn’t able to make it and she was the one who convinced me it was fine. There was also a time when dad took me home early but I didn’t call him, he knew I was sick and came to check on me. That time I had actually called in saying I couldn’t make it but she guilted me into coming in.) I usually love my work environment and my coworkers (even my boss) but now I’m just hurt. This is just added to the time several weeks ago where I heard a coworker, who I think of as a friend complaining about how I take forever to check one aisle. I know I’m slow, especially back then cause I had only started a few weeks earlier and no one bothered to train me properly. I’ve had way more good times with my coworkers but right now I’m just hurt. I’m more hurt by the lack of respect in talking to me directly than by what they said.

I already always think I’m screwing up and that I’m terrible at my job. My anxiety is through the roof most of of the time and usually they are the ones reassuring me that I’m doing a good job or that it’s ok to make mistakes. Now I wonder if they were lying to me