I Have Been Made To Feel Like A Possession Again.

I have been made to feel like a possession again.

As if the room for me to exist in has been fixed.

A need to shape me to fit others lives

At the cost of my own soul.

And why shouldn't they?

I am a danger to myself.

Left to my own devices I slip out of control

And lose myself entirely.

Why am I falling so?

What has caused me to completely lose all the progress I have made?

Why am I so angry and hurt?

Why do I feel so broken?

I am afraid I am never going to be stable.

That I get periods of relative stability

Only to see it all crash again.

I am terrified this is going to repeat itself forever and ever

And that there isn't anything I can actually do.

I don't know how to live this way.

Life seems increasingly hostile to my existence.

My neurordivergence finds no bounds

And I do not believe any amount of medication

Is going to save me from this collapse.

Today has been my 31st birthday, but it is my first as Ananna.

This is so strange to think about. I have said it, but, it is only in this moment impressing itself upon me.

It hasn't been an easy time. Especially over the last several weeks. My mental state has been all over the place. However in this moment I am experiencing a certain elation that transcends all the pain and confusion I have been in (my mental state, not my identy)

Throughout the recent hardships, the one thing that has continued to grow is my sense of womanhood. I have been truly feeling it in my heart and thoughts as that trepidation born of a life of hiding and denial passes away. That ingrained shame and judgement I internalized for all those years, it is a dwindling power, as daily I am brought closer into step with my own existence.

There are so many in this world who have gone through the same things I have, who are fighting the same fights that I am. Some are making their way though harder times, others with happy smiles. Yet we are all climbing towards that life we hold in our hearts as a prayer, hope, and dream.

I am happy right now. With this breath. I can't speak for tomorrow, or the day after, or any of the myriad days to come, but right now I am smiling and feeling hopeful. I wish the same for everyone making that climb to the light of their own true person.

We deserve a little smile

I am quirky and silly

A bundle of unrepressed excitement.

A lot of people can't keep up

And no one can take all of me.

I give myself to different people

Different circles for different parts of me.

An abstract blend

Connect all the mes.

Creating outside what I feel inside

The goal of everything.

I am terrified

Sitting in the dark

Glancing at the meds.

Been running from it my whole life

And here we sit

My greatest fear

And my mental well-being.

I have always resisted getting help

And the older I get

The harder it gets.

I am afraid of no longer being me

But being me comes with so much instability.

Something has to gjve

And so this new bottle of pills

With tears running down my face.

I am scared

I don't know what is going to happen.

The first step on the road to recovery

Over coming

My life long struggles.

I thought I was signing on to a job so I could get insurance, get through my transition surgeries, and keep on pursuing my dreams.

Found out last night that I am now expected to give my life to this job, to commit mind body and soul to it's pursuits because it is giving me so much.

My friends told me I need to give up on going to the school I want, for the degree I want. Focus on business and work on moving up in the company.

What I want is wrong. The phone I want. The car I want. The goals I have. The dreams I hold. How I hope to be a mother is selfish. How I want my name is stupid. Everything in my life is foolish, and they are just telling me out of love.

Suddenly, the people who made me feel the safest are sounding like all the people in my life who hurt me. "we are doing this for your own good" "can't you just understand we are trying to help you"

And what's more, I have no actual sense of my own reality. I can't ever tell which way is up. In which direction is my paranoia pushing me? All I know, is I haven't been this close to the edge in a long time.

I am circling the void.

Dancing dangerously along the precipice.

Delusions drive me on

But they make more sense than "reality".

The real world doesn't seem real.

It seems as though the bigger lie.

Dreaming of flying

Jumping

And tasting the air

Little godling

Lost in time