Bipolar - Tumblr Posts

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Hey if you're in the "mentally fucked" community I'd like mutuals

I'd prefer if you were above the age of 16, I just really need friends...

I wanna change my life so bad and the only person stopping me from doing that is me.

I need to get back in the gym and cut down my intake. I need to get off this shitty medication that makes me a zombie. I need to get on better medication for my sleep (or stay up all night to try to fix it).

I'm done struggling. I want to be happy so bad and antipsychotics are making me feel SHITE

Droghiere

Which also means we're constantly triggered not matter what we do. And when we're triggered we lash out at other/ourself and end up hurting them. No matter how many times you tell yourself that you can do it, that you can just be yourself, you cant. Not just because majority of the time it feels like your being split in half, but because you dont feel safe. And that scares me.

I scare me.

I don't feel safe. Doesn't matter where I am. I am never safe.

I’m bipolar.

bipolar disorder isnt 8 or 80 its more like -800 or 800000000000000

I Digress

My son is nine, beautiful in the unconscious way only the young are. My son is creative and brilliant and clever and fierce; an unstoppable force of nature packaged in shorts and a tie dye shirt.

My son is nine, and voices live inside his head.

One is mean, and can speak with his mouth, the other can push a button to make him calm down.

They have names, these girls, these alien entities embedded in my son's psyche, they have names and personalities, individual characteristics and they Are. Not. Going. Away.

I always knew I would lose my son to another woman someday, I just never thought the woman would be inside his own head.

Lithium

Sometimes the salt in my brain ebbs, leaving its grit on my tongue, my lips, my words;

and still he stays.

Resignation

A palmfull of pills I count them, pink first one two three four, then blue one two. A chemical cocktail choked down, what is smooth past my lips always sticks a bit in my throat; my nightly rosary one two three four one two.

I don't have to take them, no one makes me. Think of how much better it could be - I could cum again and wouldn't sleep so much. It would be so easy to just

Leave pink in the bottle flush blue down the toilet, miserable little beads and then I think

Of pressing skin to skin against his beauty, magnificent man beast and his smile that has me coming undone, the smile that I would do anything for and the tightness, the safety in his arms and his vibrance and lust for life itself and the nightmare that is destabilizing and the maelstrom of insanity lurking just the other side of chemical freedom and I

Swallow them one by one I count my prayer pink one two three four blue one two.

I remember the first time I told my English teacher in college that I was on new meds for bipolar, so if I seemed off at all and didn’t notice, it was that and he literally put his hand up to MAKE ME STOP TALKING and said “I just need to know whether or not you’re going to bring a gun to school”.

My heart fell into my stomach, through the floor, and into the core of the fucking earth, it was really painful and insulting and I was extremely pissed off but COULDN’T SHOW IT because then he’d have more ammo against me and that’s like just BARELY SCRATCHING AT THE SURFACE of what I go through when people are aware of my mental illnesses. 

Some other fun things:

- Having my own step-mother tell me that she can’t stand being around me because she just sees her dead brothers who were also bipolar and committed suicide.

- Being locked out of a classroom after needing to take a moment to calm down from being triggered by the in-class film, then later having the teacher tell me to just drop the class if I ‘couldn’t handle it’.

- Having people lecture me about how I “need to make the decision to call a therapist” in HR at work even though I’m already actively seeing a psychiatrist and just needed time off work because MY MEDS STOPPED WORKING. Also being fired for ‘being unreliable” when I had to check myself into a clinic for being acutely suicidal.

- Having someone refuse to leave their kids alone with me or let me interact with them without supervision.

literally like now they’re suspecting either bipolar or bpd like another one really?

every year I get a new mental illness. It's like when the writers keep introducing new characters every season to try to keep things interesting.

Everyone wonders why I don't open up. Everyone wonders why I never accept help. Everyone thinks all I do is lie. No. What I do is keep myself safe. Every time I open up to someone I get hurt. Every time I try to reach out I feel like part of me gets cut off.

Quite literally I started smoking THC again. Something I didn't need to do in years. I'm thinking about that self harm. I'm destructive. I am numb. They don't realise what I'm going through. My parents call me a disappointment. I've stopped trying to impress them. All they do is put me down. And say I'm not good enough and I never do enough. Do they not realize how depressed I've been over the last year. They keep telling me to get over it. They keep telling me to just get it together. Well I can't. And I have no who can help me. My parents say they can't help me. They have said that for many years. But then they will offer "help" by yelling at me and telling me to do it their way. I'm so sick of the hypocrisy it's insane. I pointed it out to my mom that my stepdad is being a sick. She said oh it's cuz he is dealing with a lot with my uncle in the hospital. I go well when we are going through things we are told to stop complaining or being a bitch. The rule should apply to him too. It's not our issue. She then goes well I don't want to hear anything from you. Your still on my shit list from getting a new phone.

I'm so done with this shit. If I didn't just start this amazing job I am certain I would kill myself tonight. Just more and more bull shit. People really wonder why I can't open up. Each time I do I get attached to the person. then they run away from me and I get hurt. So sick of it all right now.

Gotta love it

So my parents complain how closed off I am and how I never share anything. I attempted to share with my stepfather how my day was and went. He looked me in the face and just kept saying "I don't care. I don't care."

This is why I don't share anything or open up to people. Even just the little things that's the response I get

Today I had a mental breakdown. No one believes I have bipolar II disorder, anxiety disorder, severe depression, or ptsd. No one is going to allow me to be on medication. No one is allowing me help. Everyone is telling me to get over myself. So you know i will. Ill fucking leave everything.

My boyfriend of 6 years continues to use my mental illness as to why he wont propose. Okay yall ive never been hospitalalized for bipolar. The most ive ever done is raise my voice and yell at someone. Never destroyed anything or put my hands on another individual. Tonight we were having a fight over a mattress issue. He is now claiming i threatened him 6 times. Each threat i made was to leave the relationship. I Never put my hands on him, never said i was going to harm him. He decided to message my mom and say im out of control. I picked up his phone called my mom from it and explained what was happening. Near the end of the call he goes oh well that backfired on me i guess. Dam fucking right it did. Im really rethinking this relationship now after 6 years.

Side note i had a huge fight with my mom last week over my sister so things are super tense with that relationship. Thats the last person i would even want to be brought into this. So this has added another lay of fire and why im rethinking the relationship. How can i be with someone who is going to use my mental illness against me and call the people who goddam caused it? None of it makes sense.

Also side note i made 3 mixed drinks and was cooking dinner tonight and doing dishes at the same time. My boyfriend was in the bedroom sleeping. I was talking out loud venting to myself over stupid shit at work since i was drunk. I didnt notice he came near the room and was up since i was doing stuff. Now im being pegged as crazy by him. Im 1000% over it. He literally was like yea your nuts this has me worried. If you dont want to be with me by now then you never will.

Wtf end rant.

Unpopular opinion that might get me dragged, but tiktok really ruined some of y’all’s comprehension of mental illnesses.

Especially for cluster b personality disorders. Then throwing around terms like narcissist and bipolar and ocd like they’re words to describe the weather instead of actual conditions that change the way people interact with themselves and the world around them. Like no, Danielle, your sister isn’t a narcissist for not being able to listen to you every time you need to vent, she can’t be emotionally available at all times.

Long story short tiktok simultaneously demonized and romanticized mental illness and i think we as a whole should take a step back to actually look at what the hell we’re even talking about before using terms wrong so often that they lose their true meaning entirely

Just remember that i’m not talking about everyone on tiktok doing this, but god if it isn’t the majority of tiktok

Never cleaning again I found bugs, cups full of mold, drinks full of mold I've been sipping on and had to throw sm away which is so bad for my hoarder brain

So if you're both Bipolar and Bisexual are you BiBi?

Much more than you think.