Thoughts

Thoughts

An unwelcome guest

That refuses to leave

The one that will walk in

As if they own the home

You call the mind.

They can be safe

They can cause joy.

For me

It’s the pain.

The pain of thinking

The pain of knowing

That if I listened

I wouldn’t be here.

Knowing that if I listened,

Everything would be different.

Thoughts are different,

But they carry the same message.

When I was younger,

They were a safe zone.

Now that I’m older

They are a death sentence.

Thoughts that yell

Despite how silent they truly are.

A silent knife

To a heart unshielded.

If I listened

Would they finally leave?

If I took the plunge

Would they finally become mute?

We shall never know

Because the thoughts keep me silent.

From the observations

That I never asked for.

The thoughts will announce things,

How skinny that girl

That girl in my biology class,

Who has a family perfected

Who has friends and is popular,

How that girl in my biology class

Should’ve been me

If I had only listened.

The thoughts will point out that kid

With a present father

And a picture perfect home

And say that could’ve been me

If only I had listened.

If I had listened

I would’ve been happy

I would be happy

If I listened to the thoughts

That were once a safe haven

That have turned into my own personal prison.

Shrouded in the lies people would say.

Once a gift

Now becoming a curse.

Wolfstar fanfic cause I’m bored, it will be up after I post this so, fair warning it made me cry writing it, and is now my beta reader’s 13th reason. It is angst, there is no happy ending, I would guess. I mean the end is slightly happy, but like in wolfstar, no happy ending. Pure pain, have fun!

Pain

A pain

Only so many would feel.

A world

Shut away to those

Who wished it to open.

To them,

The life in those pages

Seemed so perfect,

So colorful,

So romantic,

So fantastic,

So real,

That when the end came

They would mourn.

They mourned the deaths

Of a person who didn’t know them,

But they would still cry

For they knew the person

They knew all you could

Except for how the character

Would live on.

For this was the final page

And they had died

As was the fate chosen.

So, the people turned

To their minds

Their heart heavy.

A pain

So real

Yet so distant

A pain towards a world

They could never experience

Hence why they mourn.

Y’all I was watching labyrinth, again for the 800th time because ye, and came to the conclusion that Jareth would fuckin DESPISE me. Because the entire movie is just be climbing the fuckin walls of the labyrinth. Like if Jareth gonna cheat so shall I. Not to mention with the ballroom scene I’d hide in a corner, like im not tryin to find him in that sea of people, ima do what a good socially anxious person would do and hide away, he gotta find me now. Also the stairs would make me so sick, like I played a vr version of the movie that someone made on recroom and felt like I was gonna puke after a few minutes to where I had to sit down. I’d probably not even get into the ballroom scene tho just because I don’t like peaches, which is what Sarah had to eat, so here’s how that’d go down:

Hoggle: “Here eat this”

Me: “no thanks, I’ll just be hungry”

Hoggle: “but, you need to eat, it’s good.”

Me: “I don’t doubt it, I just hate peaches, too fuzzy it feels weird”

Hoggle: “well, at least Jareth cant yell at me for it.”

And the door scene im just indecisive so, both of the door scenes I’d sit there thinking, and then would climb the wall.

Memories / Wolfstar

The pain from losing his best friend hurt, Remus barely coped, when he started remembering, it wasn’t a happy memory though, it was the mistake he made before.

(Also posted on my AO3 account, message if you want the link to it since I will probs post more there.)

It was late, and it was cold, yet he didn’t seem any closer to going inside, afraid of what he might have to face. Remus had barely a single conversation with Sirius before he was gone once more, unfairly taken again, only this time, he wouldn’t have the ability to come back.

“Remus, deary, you need to come inside, he won’t be happy if you join him now.” Molly said gently, coming outside with him. That's right, Sirius’ home had closed to him, he was at the burrow, the new meeting place of the order, the group of people who got Sirius Black killed, no it wasn’t their fault, it was Voldemort’s, and his fault alone, as well as Bellatrix.

“No thanks Molly, I need to head back to my home, I will see you tomorrow.” Remus replied, his voice shaking slightly, the pain more obvious.

With that he apparated away, but not to his home, but the shrieking shack, a place that held his worst memories, and yet he was drawn to it. Memories of his last day flooded his mind, a particular moment he had wished to forget.

June 25th ,1978, the shrieking shack,

“Remus, will you just listen to me! For once in your life just stop and listen to me.” Sirius Black was heard exclaiming, the boy in front of him just sitting on the beaten down bed. Remus just shook his head, not wanting to hear the words that needed to be said, not wanting to admit that it was finally over. The best thing in his life, now over, in a few years it will be nothing but a painful memory.

“No Sirius, you listen, you always have the final say and I am tired of it. You have to be in control all of the time, and I can’t deal with it.” He shot back, the other just stood there, shock being the only readable emotion on his face.

“I can’t keep doing this Remus, it hurts me too much to just watch you destroy yourself, I love you, I really really love you, but I can’t keep acting as if I can’t hear your cries at night.” Sirius decided, going up to the boy, whose head was now hung low. Gently, as if not to startle him, Sirius brought his hands up, cupping Remus’ face, the other’s eyes looking anywhere except his fellow marauder. “Remus, please look at me.”

“I can’t.” He replied, his voice barely there, the tears he had been holding back finally getting loose, only for Sirius to wipe them away.

“One day, when we are both finally ready, we will find each other, and live the fairytale ending you deserve. I love you.” Sirius whispered back, planting a kiss against the boy’s head, before leaving the werewolf alone.

June 13th, 1996, the shrieking shack,

“I was ready, and you were too, yet still, you left.” Remus found himself whispering, not towards anything in particular, seeing as the one who he desperately wanted to hear him, never would ever again. Remus couldn’t handle it, and felt himself falling, crumpling on the ground.

June 27th, 1978,

It hurt, more than Remus would ever let on. Over and over, he just thought about what Sirius had said to him, knowing in his heart that it was built on nothing but the truth. He still shared a room with the guy, hell, sometimes he found himself wishing that Sirius would slip into his bed late at night again, when he thought Remus was asleep, only for the boy to turn over and pull Sirius into his embrace, needing the contact just as much.

“Remus, you're in your mind again, what did you want to talk about?” the aforementioned boy asked, causing Remus to shake his head lightly.

“Yeah, right, sorry. Look, I can't keep acting like everything is okay. And I know it’s messed up that I just pushed you away, but I can’t see it ending well if you actually become a part of whatever life I will have after Hogwarts.” He explained.

“Why do you do this Remus? I ask to be part of your life and all you can do is push me away. What is so impossible about us being together that you have to end it before anything gets started?”

“Don’t you see, I’m a werewolf Sirius, the hate you would get and the unfairness of it all, I can’t force the person I love to go through that.”

“So sad, a few unimportant people get butt hurt. Why can’t we have a family huh? Because you’re a werewolf and I’m gay?”

“That's just it Sirius! Why do you think I’m trying to get rid of you? When I look at you all I see is everything I can’t have. It hurts too much.”

“What? Explain what you can’t have with me right now.”

“This, happiness, a family.” Remus exclaimed, his voice now raised slightly. Sirius only shook his head before leaving for one of the last times. “You, Sirius, I can’t have you.”

June 14th, 1996, in front of 12 Grimmauld Place,

Remus didn’t know why he came here, why his mind told him to. That was before a noise came from behind him, that noise belonging to Harry, James and Lily’s son, the two just stood in silence, as the final remnants of what the marauders once were.

“My mum wanted you and Sirius to raise me, so did dad.” The green-eyed boy said, causing Remus to look at him.

“Sirius would’ve been the most chaotic father alive to you.” Remus jokes, Harry nodding in agreement.

“He loved you, he told me, how no matter how long, one day you would be together again, in the way that it was meant to be.”

Remus could practically hear how his heart plummeted, unaware that Sirius ever told anyone about the life he and Remus shared for such a short amount of time.

“I love him too, with every bit of my heart.” He admitted, meeting Harry’s eyes, only to be greeted with the same eyes that Lily had, the first person he ever told, the one person he would confide in about his forbidden feelings towards Sirius. It broke him, but not in a way that would cause you to lock everything out, no, this was a different kind of break, one that was freeing in a sense, and Remus found himself smiling for the first time since Sirius Black had gone through that veil.

Unbeknownst to the pair, a black dog was watching them from afar, hearing everything that they said. “I love you too Moony.” He said, before turning, seeing the man that died long ago. “Regulus.”

“Come on Sirius, Potter says you kept him waiting long enough, Evans can barely deal with it anymore.” His brother said, Sirius nodded, standing, and bid farewell to the marauder one last time.

“Take care of him Moony, it's up to you now.”

Bro no why???? I liked the old oneeee, go back. I like the little man guy, but I don’t like the background, and my favorite color is red so. 🫠