Tw: Mention Of Sh And Sa

Tw: mention of sh and sa

Randomly remembered that one time I met up with this guy from the internet and it was great and we talked about sa and when I got home he texted me that I am awesome but he doesn't want any contact anymore.

Which is totally fine and his choice and like yes, bro, set boundaries! But I just cried in his arms and thought he understood me and it came as a surprise.

This stocked on everything else I self harmed and had to go to the hospital at 9 pm for stitches, turns out I also cut open one of my arteries and my dad had to pick me up from the hospital at 3 am because they let me wait and cry for 5 hours before then judging me for self harming.

My dad cried that day, he never really cries. I felt very bad.

But the actual question is, why am I thinking about this right now?

Tw: mention of sh

I wish I could curl up and sleep forever. I really need some rest. I just want a break from all of this.

I want to cry in his arms and be held until I fall asleep. I want to wake up, my head buried in the crook of his neck and feel safe.

Or I could relapse, that is like a really satisfying feeling. Just slicing through skin and seeing the beautiful blood that seeps out of my fresh wounds.

God it's hard to stay sober😭

Tw: suicide ideation

Tell me how to end this and I will. What is left on this planet for me? I want to stumble over a cliff and fall. Be free.

I want to be something different. Let me become stardust again.

Tw: mention of drugs and sh

I literally relapsed again today?

What the fuck? I was at two whole weeks and then bam and I am just rotting in bed, getting high every day and self harming again?

I just wanted to get better.

Why is it like this?

It's such a weird feeling to give my mother all the love and compassion that I would have wanted as a child.

I tell her that it's not her fault and that she is doing her best and that it's more than enough.

I give her forhead kisses when sending her to sleep and remind her not to overwork herself.

It's... it's nice seeing her get the love she deserves but it also makes me want to cry, because why couldn't she have given the same to me?

Domestic love.

Cooking and making arts and crafts together. Kisses and hugs and little bites (it's autism) and getting changed in front of each other in a non-sexual way.

Omg, we have tiny noodlesss, ahhhhh