Tw: Sh

Tw: sh

I want to swallow the glass splinters that I am using for art right now. I want to to feel it cut open my throat and fill it with blood.

It just looks so crunchy. So tasty. Just made to be eaten. Just a tiny piece won't hurt, right?

I want attention. Any kind of attention.

I don't care how bad I will feel after, but now I need someone to make me feel loveable in any kind of way.

And if I am only used for money, my body or to vent to me. It would be better than this.

I have to keep myself distracted.

He make me happy :)

Tw: slight mention of sh, ed and suicide

I love my boyfriend. I am also very much worried about him. But he told me not to try and help him, if that's what he wants, I'll respect it.

I trust him.

If he needs to leave me because it gets too bad, he should.

I have come to terms with people doing what they are doing. I can't make my friends stop their unhealthy behaviors.

I've given up on making them eat or stopping them from cutting or keep them from death.

It's their life. I can't control it, I can only respect what they want.

Thinking about this one guy on summer camp which made me feel right.

He would sing to me. He would hold me when I was to drunk to walk. He would stargaze with me. He would go on midnight swims with me. He would build little gobling houses out of stickes and stones and moss with me. He would hold and cuddle me for hours.

He was everything.

He made me feel like I didn't have to pretend.

He showed me unconditional kindness. I asked him how and why and he hugged me and explained that I deserved it.

I miss him. I'd really like to be in his arms and have him sing to me right now.

I think I need more social interactions, I just talked to a fly for 15 minutes. I just talked to it like:

Me: what are you doing here?

Fly: bzzzzzz

Me: you are so pretty, what a pretty fly you are!

Fly: bzzzzzz

So yeah, I think I really need to talk to humans again...