Tw: Slight Mention Of Sh, Ed And Suicide

Tw: slight mention of sh, ed and suicide

I love my boyfriend. I am also very much worried about him. But he told me not to try and help him, if that's what he wants, I'll respect it.

I trust him.

If he needs to leave me because it gets too bad, he should.

I have come to terms with people doing what they are doing. I can't make my friends stop their unhealthy behaviors.

I've given up on making them eat or stopping them from cutting or keep them from death.

It's their life. I can't control it, I can only respect what they want.

Okay, I texted him.

He is still alive.

:))

I'm okay again. Pretty funny how much I worry about him...

He played guitar today, I love when he plays guitar, it makes me happy.

He is really good at it, and his voice is beautiful too.

He looks so right when he is making music. He seems to be doing better and feeling stuff.

I like him, hehe.

I really do :)

I texted him and it was okay :)

I thought he had been angry at me, but apparently he actually wasn't. I should stop interpretating everything.

I like himmmm.

Ahhhhhhh

I love the smell of hair dye. It has saved me so many times already.

So yeah, since autumn is starting I went red again :)

Tw: ed

Smoking and crying and trying not to throw up the musli bar I just ate

Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse

I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.

Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?

I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?

I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.

This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.

I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?

Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...

That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.

Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.

I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.

He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.

All things that comfort me.

When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.

I can't ignore those concerns.

With him I don't have them??

Whattt???

I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??

I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...

I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.

I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.

I'm too tired.

I named the fly in my room Larry, he landed on my hand and I think that is the closest that I have felt to another living thing in days.