He Make Me Happy :)

He make me happy :)

Tw: suicide and slight mention of abuse

I seer to fucking God I can't keep doing this, I just can't. I don't want to be here.

Why does everything feel so intense? Why is everything too much for me? Why is it hard to just exist?

I just want to feel safe again. I don't want to lay in bed and be scared of something? I don't even know what I'm scared of?

I need someone who can protect me, someone who would protect me. Someone to stay by my side while I fight.

This is my fight, but I want someone to give me some cover.

I want someone to hold me when I get too weak. I want him.

He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel better. He. Him. I want him. I- I don't know what I'm doing?

Wait, I figured out what caused this breakdown, I showered and put his shit in the laundry...

That is a silly reason and it's not the reason, more of the last straw.

Everything has just been piling up. Like a house of cards and this was the card that broke everything down.

I feel so safe with him. Why?? Like, normally I am scared of everyone. Even people that I can physically overpower. But him.

He makes me feel safe. Even tho I wouldn't stand a chance against him. I am not scared of him. When I think of him I think of strong hand, long hair and soft kisses.

All things that comfort me.

When I think about anyone else, there is always also something that scares me. My friends can blackmail me. My parents can hit me. Strangers can do terrible things to me.

I can't ignore those concerns.

With him I don't have them??

Whattt???

I don't get it, it doesn't make any sense??

I want to hug him. I want to hold him in my arms and make him feel better too...

I don't know how to comfort people. I don't know how to make him feel safe and loved.

I feel all these emotions but I can't express them, they are stuck in my throat and in my hands.

I'm too tired.

I think I need more social interactions, I just talked to a fly for 15 minutes. I just talked to it like:

Me: what are you doing here?

Fly: bzzzzzz

Me: you are so pretty, what a pretty fly you are!

Fly: bzzzzzz

So yeah, I think I really need to talk to humans again...

The world is moving so fast, I wish I could just sleep for a while.

Preferably in his arms. Safe and protected. Just taking a break from the world for a few days.

My body feels so heavy and my mind is drowning in thoughts. I just want some peace, even for just a few minutes.

Tw: slight mention of sh, ed and suicide

I love my boyfriend. I am also very much worried about him. But he told me not to try and help him, if that's what he wants, I'll respect it.

I trust him.

If he needs to leave me because it gets too bad, he should.

I have come to terms with people doing what they are doing. I can't make my friends stop their unhealthy behaviors.

I've given up on making them eat or stopping them from cutting or keep them from death.

It's their life. I can't control it, I can only respect what they want.

When I'm crying but he texts me and now I'm giggling and he makes me so happy that I'm crying again but it's good crying.